Circle of Trust: A Lost Counselling Service
by Wickedgal08
Summary: Featuring issues with death, parents, confusing ships and much more. Hopefully humorous, and characters are definitely OOC. Don't take this too seriously because I'm not bashing anyone. Featuring new character, Carletta, and every character in the show.
1. Session 1: In Which Death Sucks

**Circle of Trust **

**A Lost Counselling Service **

Session 1: In Which Death Sucks

_The lights of a cheap, nasty set, resembling Jacob's cabin, reveal a set of chairs arranged in a circle. The chairs are filled with people who appear moody, cross and/or furious. A woman walks calmly in, her hair in a tight bun and her eyes a steel grey. She means business. A label on her jacket reveals her name is Carletta Stiles._

**Carletta: **Hello, welcome to the Island's own counselling session. I'm your...what shall we call it?...friend who is here to support and advise you. My name is Carletta. First, can everyone introduce themselves.

**Sawyer: **Like we have a choice. Ok, I'll go first. *_stands up_* Hi, I'm Sawyer. You call me by any other name and I'll kill you.

**Kate: ***_rolls eyes_* Quit being dramatic Sawyer. Just sit down and shut up!

**Sawyer: **Do you mind?! *_turns to Carletta_* Did you see that obvious bit of bullying there? It's a classic case of her own frustration at her sad past being forced out on others. *sits down and sticks tongue out at Kate*

**Kate: ***_bangs head against nearest object, which happens to be Jack_* Idiot. Hello, I'm Claire...no Kate...no Libby...ARGH! WHAT THE HECK IS MY NAME?

**Everyone but Sawyer: **KATE!!

**Sawyer: **Freckles *_sniggers_*

**Carletta: **Okaaay. Hi Kate, hi Sawyer. Thanks for your...erm...lovely introductions. Next?

**Jack: **LIVE TOGETHER, DIE ALONE. I mean *_coughs nervously_*, I'm Jack. I'm a doctor.

**Carletta: ***_purrs_*

**Kate: **Excuse me? Did she just purr? At MY man? *_growls_*

**Claire: ***_hastily interrupts before a vicious fight occurs_* I'm Claire Littleton. So far, the only person who's mentioned a last name.

**Sawyer: **Like that _really _matters, Mamacita. We're supposed to be in therapy, playing happy families.

**Charlie: **Leave her alone! You...you...MUPPET! *_turns to Carletta_* I'm Charlie Pace by the way.

**Sawyer: **Yeah...naming me after a bunch of cushion shaped puppets ain't exactly an insult, Chucky. Even Rambina over here could do better.

**Ana: **That's right bitch! *_glares at everyone_* I am tough, mean and if I say jump, you say? *_silence_* Ok, be like that. Bitches. *_Sulks_*

**Carletta: **Ok, forget about introductions. This is getting us nowhere. Do you know why you are here?

**Michael: **Ooh, pick me!! Pick ME! It's because of WALLLLLTT!

*A_ moment occurs when everyone simultaneously turns to stare at him, completely bewildered at his behaviour. Sawyer takes advantage of this moment to steal Jack's wallet_*

**Carletta: ***_scratches head_* No. You're here because I've been receiving complaints from the Lost team that there's some...problems. For example, last week the lost writers received a letter saying that they sucked and should go die for killing off the good guys.

**Boone: **WOOO! All my idea! *_high fives the rest of the '__**dead crew'**_*

**Carletta: **Ok, let's address that issue. Who here has been killed of or is about to be killed off?

_*Charlie, Boone, Libby, Ana, Eko, Shannon, Alex, Danielle and Karl raise their hands. Kate raises hers, then lowers it.* _

**Kate: **I'm sorry, I was too busy unsubtly flirting with Sawyer. Could you repeat the question?

**Jack: **Ka-aa-te! *_whines_* I don't think the pretty lady is talking about us. Do you wanna make out until she is?

**Sawyer: **Freckles, if you say yes I swear to God...

**Kate: **Ok!

*****Kate and Jack start making out, much to the disgust of everyone else*

**Carletta: **Ok, who was first to die? *_consults list_* Ok, Boone. How did you feel being the first main character to die?

**Boone: **It sucked! Death sucks! You suck!

**Carletta: **I see. What about you Shannon?

**Shannon: **What's a four letter word for I **don't **care?

**Sayid: **Shannon, you don't care that you don't get anymore shayid love? What, you just give up on us? WHYYY? *_Starts to cry_*

**Jack: **O.M.G! WATER IS LEAKING FROM HIS EYES! CALL AN AMBULANCE!!

**Carletta: **It's ok, Jack. It's called crying. You should know anyway. Apparently, you do a lot of it. What's with the MSN talk anyway? This is not friggin' computer world!

**Locke: **The island provided us with computers for all our basic needs. *_stares dreamily_*

**Carletta: **(_Aside_) I knew I should've taken the FRIENDS case. (_To everyone else_) Ok, we've heard Boone and Shannon's stories. What is your approach on death Ana?

**Ana: **I don't give a tiny rat's ass to be honest. I was just mega pissed I didn't get some chana action before the end of the show. *_Everyone stares_* What?

**Kate: **Who, or what, is Chana?

**Charlie: **If it's some kind of drug, keep it away from me. I've had more than enough drug experiences to last me a lifetime.

**Boone: **Me and Charlie are like this *_crosses fingers_* He's my BFF.

**Shannon: **Whatever Boone. Like I care, anyway. *_starts to cry_*

**Eko: **I just want to point out that I am Mr Eko. I should be questioned next.

**Libby: **Excuse me! I believe I'm next, seeing as though Carletta is going in a logica-

**Carletta: ***_shrugs_* Actually, I'm just making this up as I go along. Mr Eko, you can proceed.

**Eko: **Thank you. I just want to say that I died in the way deemed suitable for me. In Heaven, life is better. I get to whoop, erm, Charlie at chess.

**Charlie: **Hell yeah! *_high fives Eko_*

**Kate: **Wait a minute. If Charlie plays chess with Eko and he's in heaven...

**Sawyer: **Oh for *beeps* sake! It didn't take the munchkins of Slowsville too long to figure this out!

**Kate: ***_GASP_* It means Charlie's dead too! *_cries_* How did I miss that?

**Ben: **Are we Others being included here? I think Richard has some serious issues with death too. He never seems to DIE! That's surely not normal?

**Charlie: ***_In Sawyer's tone of voice_* In case you haven't noticed, Captain Killer Bunny, nothing around here is normal.

**Sawyer: **Ok, A) It's Captain BUNNY killer. B) Who the hell are you to steal my nicknames? and C) Kate is looking mighty fine in that dress. *winks*

**Carletta: ***_sighs_* Ok, this is getting us nowhere. I think the biggest complaint came from Charlie. So, talk to us. How did you feel when you were mercilessly eradicated from the show?

**Charlie: **I wasn't sad about how I died, though I wouldn't have minded sticking around for a *tad* longer. What did bother me was the lack of reaction.

**Claire: **What do you mean? Me and Hurley cried! I chose to follow Gimpy McCrutch even though he's bald and smells like dead boar all the time!

**Sawyer: **I wonder if people are aware that they are copyrighting **my** nicknames and I can sue them at any time? *_makes a mental note to hire lawyers_*

**Charlie: **For about ONE friggin' episode! Death sucks, everyone who begins with C sucks and so does Shannon.

**Shannon: **What's a four letter word for shut the f-?

**Boone: **_Shannon! _Language! You're a stupid little bitch, you know that?

**Locke: ***_shakes head_* The island isn't happy with this lack of spiritual balance. I may have to become superman and save the day.

**Jack: **Locke, you just can't-

**Locke: ***_**EXTREMELY **__pissed off_* Don't _ever_ tell _me_ what I_ can't _do, Jack!

**Jack: **Yeah, yeah. *_yawns, bored_*. This session sucks. I've hardly spoken at all.

**Ana: **I think that's what makes it a success, actually. *_smirks_*

**Kate: **Don't talk to Sawyer like that! *_glares until she realises she's said the wrong name_* Oops.

**Sawyer: **Don't apologise. If I'm on your brain 24/7, then I have no objections *_grins_*

**Carletta: **This is just totally irrelevant. Can we just leave this whole 'ship business' to next session? Ok? *_Everyone nods_* Good. Ok, Charlie I'm not done with you yet. How did you feel when Jack revived you from your hanging experience? No one even talked to you about that, did they?

**Charlie: ***_thinks for a long time_* No. In fact, I just got ignored! How unfair's that!?

**Carletta: **Since you obviously need to de-stress a little, I'm going to temporarily ignore everyone else and try a little word association game. Are you game for it?

**Charlie: ***_Shrugs_* Sure, why not?

**Carletta: **Ok. What comes to mind when I say the word 'gun'?

**Charlie: **Death. *_shudders_*

**Carletta: **Good, good. Ok, what about the word 'island'?

**Charlotte: **THIS PLACE IS DEATH!

**Daniel: ***_rolls eyes_* Not good, Charlotte. You've interrupted yet _another _therapy session!

**Miles: ***_in an eerie voice_*** **I see dead people. *_Points at Charlie and laughs hysterically_* That dude looks like Kermit the frog.

**Charlie: **W.T.F PEOPLE? I am _trying _to de-stress here and you are just _distracting _me! *_stares at new people_* Who the heck are you?

**Claire: **They're the freighter people. Of course, you wouldn't know them because-

**Charlie: **I swear to God if you say 'because you were dead', I'm kidnapping Aaron again.

**Kate: **Aw sweet little Aaron. I miss him *_cries* _

**Claire: **How dare you! I specifically told my effin father to make sure he stayed _on the island! _Now everyone thinks I'm dead. Death sucks!

**Carletta: **So after watching Kate and Jack make out, hearing Ana saying nothing but the word 'bitch' and learning that Boone and Charlie are BFFs the conclusion of this meeting is...death sucks?

**Boone, Charlie, Ana, Libby: **HELL YEAH, BITCH!

**Carletta: ***_under her breath* _Give me strength. Ok, anyone else like to say anything?

**Jack: **_*stands up* _Can I swap seats with someone? Sawyer's been giving me the evils and I feel uncomfortable with his bullying.

**Ben: **Ok, so let me get this straight. I **kidnap **you, **crush **your spirits and blatantly lie to you whilst holding your loved one hostage and yet Sawyer gives you one evil look and makes you scared. HOW IS THAT FAIR? *_cries on nearest person's shoulders, which just happens to be Juliet's* _

**Juliet: **I know this session is just for the dead but what about the people who are going to be dead if they don't get the hell of my shoulder? *_slaps Ben away* _

**Carletta: **Ok, I'm going to have to cancel the rest of my appointments from _forever _because you people are a bunch of no-hopers! Seriously, you all have issues! *_bits lip to stop from screaming at them* _

**Charlie: **If it's any consolation to you Ben, I thought you were scary.

**Ben: ***_sits up hopefully* _Really?

**Charlie: **No...PSYCH! *_high fives Boone* _See, this is why I shouldn't have been killed off!

**Sawyer: **Why? Because your obnoxious sense of humour would've changed the entire plot of the show? And I thought _Jack _was delusional.

**Claire: **_I _think he's funny. _*smiles at Charlie, who smiles back* _

**Carletta: **_*rolls eyes* _Ok, I think we should conclude today's session.

**Miles: **Why? We only just got here! And there's a questionably old man sitting in the corner who keeps smiling at me. SMILING?!

**Jack: **I think that might be my dad. *_starts sniffling* _He never loved me!

**Sawyer: **Yo, Jackass! As you may or may not recall, at the end of Season One, I told you that your daddy loved him and it made you emotional! _*sniggers at the memory* _

**Jack: **Oh yeah...

**Carletta: **Ok, ok. Let's wrap this up people. I've seen way too many issues to cope with in just one session. We'll make the next meeting tomorrow, same time same pace. Ok?

**Kate: **I don't know. I was planning on trekking through the jungle until I ran into an adventure of some kind. *_shrugs* _I guess I could push it back.

**Sawyer: **That's what _he _said! *_whoops and laughs hysterically until he realises no one else is laughing* _

**Jack: **You have a sick, sick mind Sawyer. _*Everyone agrees* _

_The lights go down and Carletta walks away, but in the distance we can hear calls of 'Ya Momma's Fat' followed by screams of outrage and the sound of fists against faces. She rolls her eyes and walks away, praying that things are a lot better tomorrow. _

**A/N- What do you think? I love writing lost pieces like this. This incorporates character stereotypes so don't be offended if your favourite character is presented as moronic or a sex addict. I just love humorous pieces and I don't mean to advertise but if you like this and have left a review (hinting strongly here) saying how much you like it, feel free to check out my Conman Versus Junkie story. **

**Next session: In Which Ships Are Bashed **

**Coming soon to a fanfiction near you! :D**


	2. Session 2: In Which Ships Are Bashed

**Session 2: In Which Ships Are Bashed **

_The silence of the jungle is interrupted by the sound of wild howls, loud insults and fist fights. This is what Carletta returns to as she strives to achieve harmony amongst the castaways. I could've told her it was an impossible task...but where's the fun in that? _

**Carletta: **_*Sighs* _They do not pay me enough to do this job. _*walks into room* _Hi everyone.

**Charlie: **I have to say this now, otherwise it will kill me. Are those fake?

**Carletta: **_EXCUSE ME? _

**Charlie: **I was referring to your _earrings_. They look all...plasticky. Is that even a word?

**Carletta: **_*Calms down* _Ok, today's session is all about the relationships on this show. I think the one we should tackle first is the Jacket/Jate/Suliet/Skate...rectangle?

**Kate: **I'd like to know who the hell I'm dating in season 5? I thought it was Jack but now I love Sawyer and it's SO CONFUSING!! _*pulls hair out* _

**Jack: **It's obvious Kate. You're dating _me _because Juliet is dating Sawyer. The slimy git. _*laughs ironically* _

**Sawyer: **Hey, hey, _hey_. I thought _I _got to make the jokes around here?

**Carletta: **Ok, let's address Sawyer first. How did you and Juliet get together?

_*Entire room shuts up to hear the answer as LOST has failed to give us that answer yet* _

**Sawyer: **Good question. I'm not exactly sure. We were playing house one minute, the next we're kissing and making babies.

**Kate: **_WHAT?!? _*_screams with rage and hits Jack in the face accidentally* _

**Juliet: **Oh relax, Kate! He means sex. We aren't literally having babies, thank God. He was everything I was looking for, everything I ever wanted.

**Charlie: **_*****__under his breath* _Sure, ignore the cuter ships.

**Sawyer: **_*serenely smiles* _Me and Juliet were talking one evening, then BAM! We suddenly found ourselves falling in love.

**Carletta: **It's not like _you _to be so poetic. When I last checked, you were still pining over Kate. What changed?

**Kate: **A-HA! I knew it! _*points at Sawyer triumphantly* _You _love _me!

**Sawyer: **I _did. _At least, I think I did. I'm not sure...is it hot in here or is it just me? _*panics* _

**Jack: **You're twitchier than a rabbit Sawyer, what gives?

**Ben: **I'd just like to point out I like to kill rabbits _*smiles menacingly* _

**Carletta: **_*Stares at Ben in a WTF? expression* _O...kay. I think the question that everybody wants answering is, who are you going to end up with Kate? Jack or Sawyer?

**Kate: **Oh that's easy. Sawyer. No...Jack. Sawyer. Jack. Charlie. Argh, it's too damn difficult!!

**Ben: **Now why Sawyer?

**Kate: **What?

**Ben: **He's the first one you mentioned. I'm just regurgitating lines from the show, I don't really know why.

**Charlie: **How the hell did _I _wind up in your list? I'm dating _Claire_ not Kate.

**Claire: **You tell the whole sodding group and not me? I wasn't even _aware _you liked me like that. WHEN were you going to tell me? *_glares* _

**Sawyer: **I'm going to speak up on Charlie's behalf here and ask: didn't you kinda see it coming? I mean you _kissed _twice, you shacked up with each other and the guy hung around ya like a lost puppy. God, talk about a blonde moment.

**Shannon, Nikki, Claire, Juliet: **Oi! What you got against blondes?

**Charlie: **Much as I appreciate the help, you might wanna keep your mouth shut lest you be beaten to death by girls. _*Snickers* _

**Carletta: **Riiiight. Back to business. How do you guys feel about the fact that so many people make random couples out of you guys? Sawyer and Claire, for instance, is a very popular ship.

**Sawyer: **What?!

**Claire: **_What?! _

**Charlie: **_**WHAT?!!! **_

_*Charlie immediately goes to hit Sawyer but miscalculates and accidentally knocks out Michael* _

**Charlie: **Oops. Oh well, guess it saves on another session of hearing nothing but WAAAAALLLLLT over and over.

**Carletta: **So, Claire. How do you feel with the fact that people make videos about you and Sawyer, write fanfictions of you two in a relationship and make _sites _dedicated to Conmama?

**Claire: **I'm not going to lie to you, Carletta, it pisses me off. I thought I was meant to be Charlie's girl, forever and ever and ever?

**Sawyer: **The guy is technically _dead _and you've got needs. Just like the rest of us. _*leers at Claire until Charlie harpoons him in the arm* _

**Claire: **True, but I always thought I'd be shipped with Desmond.

**Penny: **Excuse me? I might be quiet but I ain't deaf sister! I spent all of my _time _AND _money _on finding the man I love. You aren't taking him without a fight. _*glares* _

**Carletta: **_*blushes as she realises something* _Oh this is great. Just great. If Penny's here, that means...

**Charles: **Hello Carletta. Long time, no see. _*grins evilly* _

**Ben: **Oh for Jacob's sake! I _HATE _the Widmores! Can I leave the room before I end up _killing _something? _*growls at Charles* _

**Carletta: **Be my guest.

_*Ben stalks out of the room, muttering under his breath about Charles* _

**Juliet: **What other weird shippings are there? I remember there was this one about Kate and Charlie...

**Kate: **Really? Huh. That's a coincidence. I was just thinking about how cool it would be to make out with someone other than Jack and Sawyer.

**Eko: **Do not mistake coincidence for fate.

**Carletta: **_*sighs impatiently* _Yes, yes. Nobody's giving me any _answers _here!

**Locke: **Welcome to my world! _*glares at everyone* _

**Carletta: **We'll talk about your vent up bitterness some other time, for now I just want to get this whole 'relationship' business sorted out. Ok, let's move on to Shannon and Sayid.

**Boone: **I don't think that counts as a relationship. Technically... _technically _I didn't give my consent.

**Shannon: **Oh _grow up, _Boone! I'm a big girl, I can do whatever I like.

**Boone: **You selfish little bitch! After all I've done for _you, _you still treat me like utter sh-

**Carletta: ***_hastily interrupts* _Ok, again another issue for us to iron out later. Shannon, did you honestly love Sayid or was it just a game, like Boone said?

**Shannon: **Of course I _loved _him! What kind of idiotic question is that? _*growls* _Boone, you are dead meat!

**Carletta: **Does it bother you at all that Sayid shacked up with another woman as soon as he got off the island?

**Shannon: **_*thinks for a really long time* _Yes...and no. I wanted him to be happy and to be fair he did love this Nadia first. But being dead sucks. I'm stuck with Metro, the munchkin, Rambina, Moonbeam and Mr Ed. There's no _hot guys _to mingle with!

**Sawyer: **_*stunned* _I think I'm just gonna not call people anymore nicknames. It physically _hurts _to have them stolen away from me.

**Hurley: **Dude, I never thought I'd see the day.

**Sawyer: **_*jumps in mid-air* _Jesus! Where did you come from, Mohammed?

**Hurley: **5 seconds is better than nothing.

**Carletta: **Very thought provoking words from Shannon. Ok, Sayid. How did you feel when Shannon died?

**Sayid: **I was devastated, naturally. Even after I was rescued, I couldn't stop thinking about her.

**Nadia: ***_frowns* _That's right. He would have dreams about her death. When he woke up crying, I comforted him.

**Sawyer: **Whoa, whoa, whoa sunshine. Sayid _cried? *snickers gleefully* _Right that's Jack, Lockey boy and now Sayid who have cried. Oh and Chuckles over here too.

**Hurley: **Dude, this is starting to get _really _annoying...

**Sawyer: **Deal with it. _*starts high fiving random extras who ended up in the session* _

**Vincent: **Woof. Woof, woof, woof.

**Sawyer: **Ok, can someone explain what Lassie is on about?

**Walt: **First of all, it's _Vincent _NOT Lassie. Secondly, he's saying you all stink and should give him a biscuit.

**Sawyer: **Figures. _*throws Vincent a biscuit anyway* _

**Jack: **I don't think we actually got a result from the Jack/Kate/Sawyer/Juliet thing. I'm still WOMANLESS!!! _*starts crying* _

**Carletta: **To be honest, I don't actually think there's _ever _going to be a result. Sawyer loves Juliet but loves Kate as well, Kate loves Sawyer and yet was engaged to _Jack _and Jack loves Kate and...that's about it.

**Hurley: **Yep, that's it in a nutshell.

**Carletta: **I personally think Kate's gonna end up with the smoke monster at this point. _*gives Jack and Sawyer a stern look* _Neither of you guys have treated her right to be honest.

**Kate: **YEAH! I was dumped for a blonde bimbo, yelled at by a pyscho doctor hyped up on pills AND suffered heartbreak. _*cries on Charlie's shoulder* _

**Juliet: **Oh for *_beeps* _sake! _*walks out the room* _

_*Ben walks back in just to see Juliet walk out of the room. He frowns, stares at everyone and then walks back out again* _

**Charlie: **That may just have been the most pointless entrance to a room ever.

**Carletta: **Agreed. Now, Charlie, you were with Claire...

**Charlie: **_*Interrupts* _Yeah. Not that she ever said _I love you _or anything. Whatever.

**Claire: **Don't blame me for _your _shyness! I was crazy about you. Well, I still am. I wanted you to say that you loved me. Aren't guys supposed to initiate that?

**Jack, Sawyer, Charlie: **NU-UH!

**Kate, Claire, Shannon: **YA-HA!

**Carletta: **You two had a rough patch in season 2, didn't ya? Want to explain to the group why?

**Charlie: **_*glares* _I thought that issue wasn't going to come up, but if you really wanna talk about it then so be it. Claire was under the impression I had taken drugs...

**Locke: **Which you were. I sensed it.

**Charlie: **You utter, utter creep. I so was NOT. Just because you get your orders from a collection of leaves, bushes and questionably tall trees doesn't mean we all sniff the ground in order to get some kind of sick sense of thrill.

_*Everyone is stunned by the fact that Charlie manages to insult Locke's beliefs. Sawyer looks impressed* _

**Locke: **_*is shocked* _Sure, blame the bald guy. It's not like he has feelings or anything.

**Desmond: **Charlie, brotha, you're gonna die.

**Charlie: **Gee, Des. I'm already kinda dead at the moment. _*sticks a middle finger up at him* _Thanks to you, I lost the woman I love and am SLEEPING WITH THE BLOODY FISHES!

_*Sawyer sniggers at the death euphemism* _

**Carletta: **_*Bangs head against desk* _Ok, I'm fed up of this. I'm going to get a drink. _*walks out of room* _

**Sawyer: **Oh that's very professional, ain't it Doctor Do Right?! This sucks.

**Claire: **_(To Charlie) _You love me? For real?

**Aaron: **_*gurgles* _

**Sawyer: **And that means....?

**Aaron: **Ok, I'm going to magically develop early and say that that meant 'isn't it obvious?'

**Sawyer: **Ok, I'm going to be Carletta for a second. Hold on, I want to get this just right. _*puts on high pitched voice* _And to conclude this meeting, Aaron magically talks, Kate loves Sawyer and is put off by Juliet and Charlie and Locke need to fight because they obviously have issues.

**Jack: **Sweet summary. Wait a minute...KATE LOVES _YOU? _*_chases after Sawyer in a rage* _

**Claire, Kate, Nikki, Shannon: **_MEN! *all sigh as one* _

-------------------------

Thanks for reading and reviewing peeps!! Next session: In Which Jack Fixes Everything But Himself

Any issues on Lost that bug you, please say in a review!! :DD


	3. Session 3: In Which Jack Fixes Everythin

**Session 3: In Which Jack Fixes Everything But Himself **

_Carletta is trying to soothe a headache and is sitting in her chair, pressing a cold towel to her head. Jack and Sawyer are arguing. Kate is sulking. Charlie, Dan and Desmond are playing Poker and some of the group seems to have wandered off... _

**Carletta: **_*clears throat* _Ok, perhaps we can resume with our therapy...?

**Sawyer: **Screw you, doc! I happen to think...

**Charlie: **_*to Dan*_WHAT?! You cheated? Oh that is so...!

**Kate: **_*under her breath* _Jack or Sawyer? Jack or Sawyer? Jack or Sawyer?

**Carletta: **Ok that is_ it! *throws a chair against the wall in frustration, grabbing everyone's attention* _What issue would you like to address next? I've got a list here but I'm intrigued as to the issues you think you all have.

_*silence* _

**Kate: **Ok, I've got one. Jack has issues with fixing everything and everyone! It drives me crazy! He thinks by blowing up a damn bomb everything will be FINE AND DANDY! _*cries as she yells* _

**Jack: **I wasn't trying to fix everything, Kate! I was just trying...

**Kate: **You wanted to play the hero again. If everything changed, went back to the beginning, we wouldn't have known each other. _*stares at Jack, her eyes filling with tears* _I'd hate a life without you.

**Jaters: **AWWWWWW!

**Skaters: **_*roll their eyes* _SAWYER AND KATE ARE FATE!

**Carletta: **_*looks around the room* _Where the hell is everyone? I'm sure there were more people. _*it's clear she's not heard a word that Jack and Kate have said* _

**Charlie: **Oh, Claire thought I was doing drugs again, so she said something about going to destroy them. Personally, I think she's taking it a little too far. I mean she took Juliet, Ben, Sun, Jin and Locke to _Mordor _for Christ's sake! Not only is it a fictional place, but I swear she's just trying to smoke it herself!

_*Everyone stares at Charlie, bewildered by his outburst. Sawyer sniggers causing Jack to hit him, thus starting a fight between them* _

**Carletta: **Okaay. So, Jack. This issue about fixing things. Where did it come from?

**Jack: **Well, it all started when my dad...

**Everyone: **_*groans* _Shut up about your damn father!

**Christian: **_*pouts* _Y'all aren't very nice, are ya?

**Sawyer: **Oh super. Loser and Major Loser are both here. Typical. _*rolls his eyes and joins Charlie at Poker* _

**Jack: **D-daddy? Are you really here? Why did you tell me I couldn't fix a damn thing? _*becomes so uncharacteristically angry that Dan and Charlotte sneak out of the room, supposedly to help Claire 'destroy the drugs'* _

**Carletta: **Ok, SHUSH everyone. Jack and Christian are about to exchange a, hopefully, loving conversation.

**Christian: **Sorry Jackie, I told you were not going to be a hero because, let's face it, if I had...you'd be a very different person. Arrogance would have flown straight to your head and I had to make _you _realise that you could fix things by letting you figure it out on your own. _*pants, exhausted by that statement* _

**Jack: **_*Confused* _Quoi?

**Rousseau: **_FINALLY! _I can actually SPEAK to someone in my home language! _*squeals with excitement until she receives funny looks from Alex* _Sorry.

**Christian: **You took it _way_ too far. Now you think everything can be fixed but it CAN'T! That's why you're marriage...

**Jack: **Don't _even _go there, man! I tried to fix things, I tried. _*predictably starts to cry, much to Sawyer's disgust* _

**Kate: **What was it you said about our time on the Island? Enough of it was misery? So what...you were just going to detonate this bomb and prayed it fixed everything? You're f**ked up man!

**Jaters: **What the hell is she saying!?

**Skaters: **_FINALLY! SHE MAKES SENSE!! *cheer and hug each other* _

**Cassidy: **Like I said to Kate, you're a piece of work. _*files nails absent-mindedly* _

**Sawyer: **_*Sees her and leaps out of his seat* _Who invited Miss Self-Righteous over there?

**Cassidy: **Um, hello? Flashback characters are part of the show too, no-brain!

**Hurley: **Dude, you just got whipped.

_*Sawyer scowls, yet refuses to answer* _

**Charlie: **Jack fixed me! I like him, if no one else does. _*grins at everyone, falters when no one returns it*_

**Jack: **Y-you do? Wow! I made a friend today!

**Sawyer: **And I just lost all respect for you. Consider it a bonus.

**Sun: **Hey, we're back!! _*the rest of the gang returns, Claire looking a bit stoned* _

**Charlie: **You took your time!

**Claire: **Sowwwie. _*giggles* _Mordor wasn't real, so we spent the rest of the time getting high.

**Charlie: **_*somewhat shocked* _You have a baby, Claire! You were thoughtless, disgusting and you didn't think to invite me!? Evil. _*turns away, then reveals that he's got a packet in his pocket* _

**Carletta: **Ok, another issue we need to iron out. Jack, I think you've got serious father issues too. Why can't you get close to him?

**Jack: **Well, firstly he has a drinking problem!

**Christian: **I so do not! _*drinks a bottle of whiskey* _

**Jack: **How did you die then? You died of a FRIGGIN' HEART ATTACK! Explain that! _*breathes heavily* _

**Christian: **Um, I can explain everything!

**Everyone: **Can you?

**Christian: **Um...no. In my defence, the liquor is so darn tasty! Ain't it lad? _*turns to Sawyer* _Hang on, haven't I seen you somewhere before?

**Sawyer: **_*Sighs* _I was the guy in the bar in Sydney. The guy who had issues remember?

**Ana: **Christian's been everywhere. I only found out his real name a week ago. I thought he was Tom up until then. _*starts calling everyone bitch again* _

**Kate: **_*cries* _I l-love that name! Oh, T-Tom!

**Carletta: **_*Is shocked* _Are you telling us that there's a fifth entry into the Sawyer/Kate/Jack/Juliet...thing?!

**Sawyer: **Nah, he's popped his clogs. _*everyone is confused* _HE'S DEAD!

_*Kate becomes inconsolable and then runs out of the room* _

**Charles: **I've changed my mind. I don't want to own an Island filled with weirdos, junkies and emotional people. I'm going to own Jurassic Park instead!

**Ben: **_*Scoffs* _Yeah, good luck with that. I tried owning that years ago!

**Jack: **Can we get back to me please? This is _my _session, I don't see any of you guys having problems with fixing things.

**Locke: **You wanna talk about fixing things Jack? I was paralysed for-

**Jack: **_*Loudly interrupts* _Look, no one likes you! LA LA LA LA LA!

_*Charlie joyfully joins in and soon the whole group is singing along to a tuneless song* _

**Carletta: **_*Bangs head against table* _Right, let's get a little order in here, shall we? Jack, what is it that you have to fix exactly?

**Jack: **_*thinks for a really long time* _My relationships. I always seem to fail with them. First Sarah, then Kate, then Sun...

**Sun: **_*loudly* _No, not Sun!

**Jin: **_*in Korean* _The sun will come out to-morrow...bet ya bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun...

_*Sun and Charlotte, the only two people who can understand Korean, turn to stare at him* _

**Sawyer: **I haven't been this surprised since Charlie over there shot Ethan.

**Ethan: **_*Sobs* _Thanks a lot! I had just managed to cope with that!

**Charlie: **ARGH! IT'S HIM! _*runs out of the room screaming* _

**Carletta: **I think I've just messed you up even more. _*laughs hysterically* _You people are no hopers! Why do I persist in trying to drill sanity into you? WHY?

**Ben: **_*In a really cute, baby voice* _Because you wuv us.

**Christian: **Bet my drinking problem doesn't seem so strange now does it? _*cackles loudly* _

**Jack: **Am I supposed to feel better? Somehow, I don't!

_*all the Jaters and Jack fans come out and hug him* _

**Sawyer: **Jesus, Mary and Joseph! How many fans does he have?

**Carletta: **Unless you want to be mobbed by even more fans, I suggest you close that gorgeous mouth of yours.

**Sawyer: **Erm...what?

**Carletta: **What?

**The 'previously on Lost' guy: **And so concludes another session of Lost...

**Claire: **_*giggles* _I LOVE THAT GUY!

**The 'previously on Lost' guy: **With some bizarre issues coming out of the closet, Claire getting high and a disturbed Jin singing 'Annie', will Carletta ever get this group back into sanity? This man thinks it's probably impossible but is going to continue turning up just for the hell of it.

**A/n: You guys are awesome! Thanks for reviewing, faving, alerting etc! :DD This was an idea put forth by GoldenBlack_Dragon so thanks for the idea! **

**Next session: In Which Family Trees Are Climbed **


	4. Session 4: In Which Family Trees Grow

**Session 3: In Which Family Trees Are Climbed **

_We see a weary Carletta preparing for another chaotic session with our Losties. Her bun has been taken down, so she loosely ties it back and sprays perfume on herself. Inside the cabin, the noisy atmosphere makes her cringe but she enters it anyway..._

**Carletta: **Howdy folks. How are you all?

**Claire: **Well, Charlie's hogging the drugs, how do you think I'm doing?! _*tries to tackles Charlie unsuccessfully*_

**Carletta: **Ok. Where's the A-Team? By that, I mean...

**Miles: **Yeah, we get it. You mean, Kate, Jack, Sawyer, Sayid and Locke. Sheesh! You act like we're not important too. _*sighs, then proceeds to drink heavily* _

**Carletta: **Am I sensing some unresolved bitterness in the way certain characters are treated as opposed to others?

**Everyone: **YES!!

**Charlie: **To answer your question, Kate and Sawyer are 'canoodling', Jack's talking to Sayid about a very cunning plan and Locke's either hunting, talking to the sand...no, trees...no, _island_...I dunno. _*shrugs* _

**Carletta: **Well, that screws everything up. I had a great session planned for today.

**Ben: **Oh, did we screw it up? Are we so unimportant that we disturb your plans, O Mighty One? _*high fives Charlie for his quick wit* _

**Carletta: **No, it's just that the A-Team is more screwed up than the rest of you. Well, maybe with the exception of you, Ben. Can I talk to you about Alex?

**Ben: **If you _*sob* _must _*sob* _

**Carletta: **Now, I'm sure we'd all like to know how you really felt about Alex. At times, your feelings were confusing. You acted like you didn't care, what's the deal with that? _*stares at Ben as the lights lower* _

**Ben: **I loved her! She was, in my eyes, my own daughter. What more can I say?

**Alex: **This guy really pisses me off. Why'd you say you didn't then, _daddy? *glares* _

**Rousseau: **And how come, just as I was getting to know my daughter, I was brutally murdered? HUH?

**Ben: **I can answer **all **these questions, just as soon as I return from the...erm...little boy's room! _*dashes out of the room* _

_*Everyone waits for about five minutes* _

**Carletta: **_*Coughs nervously* _He's not coming back, is he?

**Alex: **Nope. That's daddy for ya!

**Carletta: **What a coward! _*sigh* _Ok, let's explore...oh wait, he's gone...well, we could always...no, she's out too. Miles.

**Miles: **_*leaps out of his seat* _Oh _now _you're paying attention to me! Earlier on, when I blackmailed Ben you took no notice but just because...Meh. I can't really be bothered to finish my rant.

**Charlie: **Good. Frankly, no one actually cares.

**Miles: **Oh, OH! That's how it is, is it? Well, monkey boy, I may just _not _summon you from the dead when you die. _*turns away to sulk* _

**Claire: **I thought you could only _speak_ to the dead? God, this is sooo confusing!

**Daniel: **This. Is. _Lost_!

**Charlotte: **True as that may be, Dan, we're not interested in your acting skills.

**Daniel: **But, b-but...I was going to...Never mind.

**Carletta: **_*clears her throat, annoyed* _As I was **saying, **Miles, you got daddy issues, don't you?

_*The cabin door smashes and Jack comes flying in, somehow magically landing on his seat, unhurt. Well, this is Lost after all...* _

**Jack: **Sorry. Kate catapulted me in when she heard someone saying 'daddy issues'.

**Miles: **You're too late! She started with me first! Ha-ha! _*proceeds to choke on a cookie* _Oh my God, I'm going to end up talking to myself aren't I? Oh, the irony. _*dies* _

_*Jack gets down and starts pumping the life back into him. Kate comes rushing in, sees what's going on, rushes back out. Ben quietly slips back in, avoiding Alex and Rousseau's angry glares* _

**Carletta: **Can we not have at least _one _death free session?

**Daniel: **Well, according to my calulations...

**Everyone: **_DAN!?! _

**Daniel: **... no.

**Carletta: **Honest to God, I might just end up **strangling **someone. _*glares at Shannon, who glares back* _Ok, to settle the argument, I'm going to go with someone neutral. Penny.

**Penny: **Ooh, yay! I get a turn. _*claps hands gleefully*_

**Carletta: **If anyone has daddy issues, it's you. You have an evil, psychotic man for a father. What was he like when you were a little girl?

**Penny:** Not too bad, in all honesty. I just don't see how _all _my boyfriends magically disappeared...

**Desmond: **Penny...

**Penny: **What? They just _disappeared! _

**Desmond: **Erm...never mind.

**Carletta: **Was he as controlling and manipulative as he is now?

**Ben: **BOO YEAH!

_*silence* _

_*More silence* _

_*Yes, yet more silence* _

**Ben:** W-what?

**Juliet: **For the sake of **all **humanity, I beg you never to say that again. Ever.

**Sawyer:** Yeah, you tell him babe!

_*Everyone turns to stare at Sawyer* _

**Juliet: **Where in God's name did you go? I swear your seat was just empty a moment ago.

**Ben: **_*in an effort to be more like Locke* _The seats on this island are _never _empty.

**Sawyer: **I was with Ka- _*catches sight of Juliet's furious face* _Kat.

**Juliet: **Who, may I ask, is Kat?

**Sawyer: **My pet treefrog! _*smiles proudly*_

**Hurley: **Dude, didn't you squash that thing?

**Sawyer:** I swear to _God, _dough boy, you are out to get me.

**Carletta: **Ok, it seems like we've covered every single issue *but* family.

**Walt: **I've got a family issue. What would one do if, say, their father murdered two women in an effort to rescue you? I'm _not _talking about me, by the way.

**Charlie: **Riiiiiiight.

**Michael: **WAAAAAAALLLLLT. You gotta understand, I did it for _you_! For God's sake, my season two script was visibly shorter than everyone else's! In fact, it consisted of about one line! I got paid less! All for you!

**Walt: **_*not impressed* _Well, you can't pay for my therapy sessions then. I'll be messed up forever.

**Carletta: **What do you call this then? An alcoholics anonymous meeting?

**Walt: **_*Under his breath* _It might as well be.

**Jack: **Oi! What are you insinuating, you little minx?

**Carletta: **_*raises an eyebrow* _Insinuating?

**Sawyer: ***_sniggers* _Locke gave him word-of-the-day toilet paper.

**Jack: **I just wanted to improve my vocabulary! Is that a crime?

**Carletta: **Forgive me if I'm wrong, but are you trying to improve your vocabularly as a means of making your daddy proud of you?

_*silence*_

**Jack: **Mayyyyyybe.

**Vincent: **Woof! Woof! Woof! Moo!

**Carletta: **_*blinks rapidly* _Excuse me?

**Walt: **He says he's bored, then he said moo.

**Sawyer: **A-and that doesn't _worry _you, Mowgli?

**Walt: **Nope! He's the only family I got left on the island. _*glares at Michael* _

**Michael: **Oh not my poor boy! WAAAAAAAALLLLLT!

**Sun: **_*Under her breath to Jin* _Get the C4, I'll pin him down.

**Jin: **_*Speaks Korean for about ten minutes* _Why?

**Sun: **Ugh. Gonna have to explain sarcasm to him.

**Jack: **Can I speak about my daddy issues now?

**Carletta: **_*stares at her watch for a loooong time* _Ok. Give it to us.

**Jack: **Well, it all started when a couple of guys jumped Mark Silverman...

_*Five and a half hours later, Charlie and Claire are asleep on each other's shoulders, Ben is lightly snoozing/trying to get close to Juliet, Daniel is crying because he's so bored and everyone else is sighing and trying to get comfortable* _

**Jack: **...and daddy said I should count to five! Can you believe it? He _humiliated _me!

**Kate: **_I _can't believe you didn't make up the whole 'count to five' story. I thought that was so sweet when we first met! _*nobody seems surprised that she's popped up out of nowhere. Again, I'll use the 'it's Lost' excuse...*_

**Sawyer: **I can't believe I just spent five hours listening to that bulls**t. I'll never get those hours back again!

**Carletta: **_I _can't believe everyone's still here.

**Michael: **_*Looks around* _Wait, there's someone missing. It's...

**Ana: **I swear to _God _if you say his name, I'll hunt you down and kick your ass!

_*Sawyer goes over to her and whispers something in her ear* _

**Ana: **Why are you telling me this?

**Kate: **Uh-oh, I've been here before.

**Sawyer: **_*rolls his eyes* _Not gonna happen, ladies. I wanted you to know, Ana, so you can kick his butt for all of us.

**Ana: **That _bitch! _

**Jack: **Here she goes again...

_*Ana goes up to Michael, after being reminded that he shot her, and slaps him round the face*_

**Michael: **_*has a five minute delayed reaction* _OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

**Sun: **Well, it's an improvement on WAAAAAALLLLLLT.

**Carletta: **Kill me, kill me now. _*glances worriedly around* _I was just KIDDING!

**-------------------**

**(Outside the Session) **

**Locke: **I BELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEVE IN ANGEEEEEELS!

_*Sings loudly and off-key* _

**Locke: **I HAAAAAVE A DREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!

**Charlie: **_*Whispers* _This is Jacob speaking. I want you to enter American Idol because you're singing is, erm, good! No, it's terrific, really!

**Locke: **_*eyes fill with tears* _Ok. I always knew I was _special! *skips with happiness* _

_*Charlie and Ben share a grin before going back inside the cabin* _

**-------------------**

Thanks for the reviews guys and gals! :DD Ok, the characters were a little OOC here, ok a _lot _but to be honest if they were in character, would they really be here? :D Exactly.

Next Session: In Which Sawyer Nicks Names.


	5. Session 5: In Which Sawyer Nicks Names

**Session 5: In Which Sawyer Nicks Names **

_Carletta walks in, her make-up carefully done and her hair carefully tied back. She steps into the cabin, only to be greeted with by several water balloons, which effectively ruins her appearance. _

**Carletta: **Ok, what the _HELL _is going on here? I thought I gave you guys homework to do!

**Charlie: **_*stares at her guiltily* _We're taking a break.

**Carletta: **_*glares* _From?

**Charlie: **Jumping on the bed. _*points to a bed that has randomly appeared* _

**Desmond: **Whatever the homework was, Vincent ate mine.

**Vincent: **_*indignantly* _WOOF! Woof, woof!

**Walt: **He says the only homework he ever ate was mine. And only because I asked him to!

**Carletta: **_*sighs heavily* _The homework I set you was...oh never mind!

**Sawyer: **What's the matter, Velma? Can't solve the mystery of Lost?

_*Carletta promptly smacks Sawyer around the head with a wet fish she borrowed from Jin. Jack chokes on a cookie and resuscitates himself, whilst Kate laughs hysterically and takes photos*_

**Carletta: **How dare you compare me to that geek from _Scooby Doo?_ I am much more professional.

**Sawyer: **_*Under his breath* _If you call hitting a client over the head with sushi _professional_, then yeah you're professional alright.

**Carletta: **Ok, wise guy! Who here, by a show of hands, has been insulted by Sawyer in some shape or form?

_*Everyone raises their hands, including the extras that nobody seems to care about* _

**Sawyer: **_*is flabbergasted* _Really? I've insulted everyone? Yay! I've reached my goal! _*hugs self* _

**Carletta: **Ok, hit me. What kind of names have you been receiving?

**Charlie: **Munchkin, limey little runt, Jiminy Cricket, babynapper...

**Kate: **Freckles, sweetheart, freckles, Thelma, freckles...

**Jack: **Doc, Dr. Giggles, Dr. Quinn, Jacko, Jackass...

**Jin: **Daddy-O, Brucey, Jin-Bo...

**Sun: **Tokyo Rose, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Betty...

**Hurley: **Oh _boy! _Where do I start? Stay-puff, Lardo, Babar, International House of Pancakes...

**Libby: **Moonbeam. Aw, I don't have many. _*cries* _

**Ana: **Erm, let's see. Ana-Lulu, Rambina, Hotlips _*smiles reminiscently* _

**Hurley:** ...Jumbotron, Grapevine, Snuffy...

**Ben: **Captain Bunnykiller, Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Henry, George...

**Sawyer: **...from _Of Mice and Men _I'll have you know.

**Dr. Evil: **Coooool.

_*Everyone turns and stares at this newcomer, bewildered as to why an Austin Powers character has ended up on Lost* _

**Dr. Evil:** _What?! _You think you guys have problems? I'm _e--vil!_ Don't worry, I'll just sit and pass judgement on y'all.

**Ben: **Suddenly I feel as useless as Charlie.

**Charlie: **Hey!

**Claire: **Mamacita! I remember Sawyer calling me Mamacita!

**Dr. Evil: **Scotty's on _fire!_

**Hurley: **Dude, that's not cool. Scott's dead.

**Dr. Evil: **WHOA!

**Carletta: **O...kay. Right, Sawyer. I think this question is long overdue. Why do you feel the need to constantly harass and abuse people? Especially Hurley?

**Jack: **Don't forget about me!

**Sawyer: **Well, it would be a crime _not to_. Come on, the guy was dropped from a plane on an island with very little food and he hasn't lost _any _weight. Tell me that's not epic.

**Hurley: **Don't forget I whipped your white ass when I dragged you into your tent.

_*silence* _

**Hurley: **Something tells me I may need to re-phrase that.

**Dr. Evil: **You know, Porky, I don't think that's something one dude should say to another dude. Yah, a little creepy!

**Sawyer: **I _love _this guy! _*grins* _

**Ben: **_*under his breath* _Stupid, more evil than me, bald headed lunatic!

**Carletta: **Has anyone ever, you know, stood up to him? Called him names back?

**Hurley: **_I _called him Red neck man! _*is applauded by Charlie and Ben*_

**Carletta: **_*rolls eyes* _Brilliant start. You know, Sawyer, you're actually an intelligent guy...

**Sawyer: **Why thank you, Mrs Doubtfire. I think we all know that!

**Carletta: **Shut up....red....neck...man!

**Hurley: **_Oi! *stands up but then __**somehow **__falls through the floor* _

**Kate: **I like the nickname Freckles. I feel pretty!

**Jack: **Yeah but you would date a _gorilla _if it called you Indiana Jones!

_*more silence* _

**Carletta: **Wrong show, Jack. Why don't you go sit in the corner? Go on. You officially fail at Lost.

**Dr. Evil: **_*in a raspy voice* _Ohhh, this is getting uncomfortable!

**Ben: **Ha, ha, ha. The tiny one can't take a hint!

_*Jack goes to sit in the corner, looking sad and close to tears*_

**Jin:**_(in Korean) _What the hell?

**Dr. Evil: **Ok, what is he saying? I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch, ok, perv boy?

_*Sawyer is inconsolable with laughter whilst everyone else just looks embarrassed. Jin just looks confused but Sun thinks it's best not to translate* _

**Charlie: **FYI, Mount Baldy, it's Korean not Dutch.

**Locke: **Wait a darn second! Mount Baldy was _my_ nickname! Grrr!

**Ben: **_*sniggers* _Locke you just got whipped! You really have no friends, do you?

**Locke: **The _island_ listens to me.

**Everyone: **Oh, here he goes _again! _

**Carletta: **This is getting us nowhere. Sawyer, continue using your nicknames. These guys are a bunch of no-hopers!

**Sawyer: **CHA-CHING! I win, you lose, I get Charlie's new shoes!

**Charlie: **This guy is really pushing my buttons! _*grabs Sawyer by the shirt* _Look here, _Fagin, _you might be content with being a low-life and a scumbag but some of us aren't selfish like you are! Quit being an annoying, spineless, creepy _freak!_

_*Silence then everyone starts cheering for Charlie* _

**Sawyer: **_*gobsmacked* _Ok, I'll say it. I just got whipped. _*goes to sit in corner with Jack*_

**Carletta: **_*also gobsmacked* _Well that was...shocking. I was under the impression Sawyer became better throughout the series.

**Sawyer: **Hey, yeah that's right! _*goes back to sit with main group* _I don't deserve this abuse!

**Sun: **Oh and _we _do?

**Dr. Evil: **Looks like _someone_ has some daddy issues!

**Carletta: **_*hastily* _We've already sorted that out...

**Jack: **Daddy issues? I have daddy issues! _*gets up and runs but is knocked out by Charlie* _

**Claire: **_Charlie! _

**Sawyer: **O.M.G. I can't believe he's not butter! As in a softie.

**Dr. Evil: **Oh, he's good.

**Charlie: **Yeah, bet you didn't expect _that! _

**Kate: **Erm, Charlie? You do realise that's the man who saved your life, right?

**Charlie: **_*blinks rapidly* _Oh...dear. I'm going to pay for that later, aren't I?

**Sawyer: **_*snorts* _Doubt it. The day that El Jacko beats up Chuckles here, I'll kiss Freckles and then go over to Tubby Bear and say that I love him along with Captain Arab and Dumb and Dumber over there _*gestures to Nikki and Paulo*. _Then I'll go up to Match Stick Legs Girl, marry her brother Metro and play happy families with Mamacita and Baby Huey. It'll also be the day Miss Exotica and her husband, Tae-Kwon-Jin-bo sprout wings and fly Sir WAAAAALLLT and his pesky boy who's name escapes me, Lassie, Captain Bug Eyed Bastard Boy and Doctor Ooh-I-Wanna-Be-Evil off the island, along with Norma Rae and his wife, the Mother Hen. _*pants* _

_*There is a stunned silence* _

**Carletta: **Boy, are you going to be sorry if that's true.

**Dr. Evil: **Oh, he's good.

**Nikki: **Did he just call us dumb, Paulo?

**Paulo: **Just smile and nod, Nikki. We never get any action anyway, what does it matter?

**Carletta: **S-Sawyer, do you give the Lost team this much grief?

**Jack: **You bet he does. He's got a special nickname for them too.

**Sawyer: **Yeah! J.J. Abrams is Jibba-Jabba. I like to make funny words out of his initials. Damon is Demon, for obvious reasons. _*sniggers* _I like to go around chanting, "666", it winds him up _a lot._

**Kate: **Gee, I wonder why?

**Sawyer: **And as for Carlos, well I like to call him Huggy Bear. 'Cause he gives me lots of hugs!

**Jack: **_*sniggers* _I'm sure he does. Poor ickle Sawyerkins...

**Charlie: **_Oi! _When did _you_ wake up?

**Jack: **In the middle of Sawyer's HUMONGOUS speech. It's ok, Charlie. I'm just gonna pretend it was Locke who knocked me out. _*glares* _

**Locke: **Oh, sure. Blame the ex-cripple.

**Everyone: **_What the Hell???! _

**Locke: **_I-I _mean, sure blame the bald guy!

**Dr. Evil: **_**Aw-kward!**_

**Everyone: **_**LO-OST! **_

**Dr. Evil: **Ok, I'm in the wrong therapy session. I thought this was for sons who have evil dads that want to take over the entire world. Clearly I'm wrong.

**Locke, Jack, Sun, Kate, Ben: **Well,_ actually_...

**Carletta: **_*in a loud voice* _THERAPY SESSION OVER!

------------

**a/n- thanks for the reviews! You're too kind *blushes*. This has been my fave to write so far! :DD **

**Next Session: In Which There Are Others**


	6. Session 6: In Which There Are Others

**Session 6: In Which There Are Others **

_*Inside Jacob's cabin, Carletta is frantically trying to ignore all the wild distractions around her i.e. Ben and Jack yelling insults at each other, Kate trying to retrieve a toy plane from Sawyer's grasp and Claire and Charlie fighting over drugs* _

**Carletta: **QUIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEET! _*pants* _

_*Everyone shuts up and retreat to their seats* _

**Sawyer: **So, Doctor Do-Little, what's the plan today? Whose head are we shrinking today? _*stares pointedly at Ana who gives him the middle finger in response* _

**Carletta: **Actually, I thought it would be beneficial to take a peep inside the minds of the Others this session. We get a lot of input from you guys...well, more than a lot actually...but we hear so little from the Others.

**Others: **OH YEAH! We get a *whole* session dedicated to us! We rock!

**Juliet: **_*bites her lip* _Am I classed as an "other" or not? 'Cause after the season five finale...

**Sawyer: **You're one of us, sweetheart, no doubt about it. _*jeers at Ben* _You're too pretty to be an "other" now, not to mention you're mine.

**Suliet fans: **_AWWWWWWWW! _

**Skate fans: **_*rolls eyes* _

**Ben: **_*splutters with indignation* _Can I just say I did *not* care for season five? It was beyond crap, it was stupid, it was...

**Carletta: **Heartbreaking? Dear me, is Benjamin Linus suffering from the green eyed monster?

**Ben: **Absolutely not.

**Richard: **Oh _come on_! You LIKE her, admit it! You even told her yourself that she was *yours*. That's probably what drove her away, y'know.

_*Ben scowls*_

**Tom: **Hey, can we not talk about Ben? It's MY turn to be examined. Me, Mr Friendly!

**Jack: **_*scoffs* _Yeah right! What was with that whole "it's-not-your-island-it's-ours" speech? We hate it here! We don't want to intrude but DAMN IT, isn't a man entitled to the right of curiosity?

_*Kate giggles flirtatiously*_

**Kate: **Oh, Jack! You're so sexy when you're trying to be cool.

**Jack: **What do you mean "trying"?

**Carletta: **Oh, GROW UP, JACK! Anyway, back to Tom.

**Tom: **Yay!

**Carletta: **So, what's your story, Tom? Why do you think you're messed up? I mean with these guys _*gestures around the group* _it's pretty damn obvious what's wrong with them but you...you're a bit of a mystery.

_*Michael starts to sing If You Were Gay by Avenue Q, earning him a swift punch from Tom* _

**Tom: **Enough of the gay jokes, ok? It's nice that Lost appeals to everyone and not just white heterosexuals.

**Carletta: **_*under her breath* _Just be thankful he's not singing his son's name over and over again.

**Ethan: **I have an issue I'd like to raise and it's to do with _that _guy, there. _*points to Charlie* _

**Charlie: **Oh, crap. _*whimpers* _

**Claire: **A-HA! I get the dru- oh, wait. ARGH! IT'S ETHAN!

**Sawyer: **Ethan?

**Jack: **_Ethan?! _

**Michael: **WAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLT! I mean....ETTTTHHHHHHHHAN! _*pauses* _Doesn't have the same ring to it, somehow.

**Ethan: **_*muses* _I need some kind of catchphase or sound effect whenever I enter the room. I don't want to turn into another Michael.

**Michael: **No, you don't want to turn into another me...OI!

**Ben: **We should all run away whenever he enters the room. _*sniggers maliciously* _

**Charlie: **No. That's the thing _I _do whenever he enters a room.

**Ethan: **Hey, I gave season one the e_dge, _man. I was the fear factor of that season! Don't mock me!

**Sun: **I kind of like Claire's idea.

**Claire: **What..."Argh it's Ethan!?" _*muses* _I guess that could work.

**Ethan: **_Hey! _Despite what I did to Charlie, I am NOT a monster. _*sulks childishly* _

**Jack: **Suuuuure, you're not. After all, hanging a man from a tree and kidnapping a frightened pregnant woman is _real _humane. Jackass.

**Ethan: **I said DESPITE WHAT I DID TO CHARLIE, I am not a monster. Don't you ever listen, you moron?

_*silence* _

**Jack: **Y'know, I think I preferred you when you were buried six feet under.

**Carletta: **_*tuts impatiently* _Ok, _Ethan._ Why, for Heaven's sake, if you say you're not a monster, did you act like one? Poor Charlie. Poor Claire.

**Ethan: **Aren't you supposed to be unbiased and act in a responsible, professional manner?

**Carletta: **_*Scoffs* _Professional? Moi? I'm just making this up as I go along.

**Charlie: **_*standing on a chair and pointing at her dramatically* _I _KNEW _it!

**Claire: **I think someone professional should lead this! Like...like...erm....

**Ana: **_*sarcastically* _Maybe someone who actually _has _experience. Libby, perhaps?

**Everyone: **_Oh yeah! _

**Carletta: **_I'm _in charge here and so _I'll _make the decisions around here!

**Ana: **Anybody else getting a sense of deja-vu here?

**Ben: **_Just _a smidge considering that's the kind of language_ I _speak.

**Richard: **At least _you _guys had a decent leader. Ben used to drag those who disobeyed him into a dark, cold place and give them a spanking.

**Charlie: **_I KNEW IT! _

**Hurley: **Dude...that's so wrong on so many levels. But what's even more wrong is that you speak from experience. Unless that's just my twisted imagination?

_*silence*_

**Hurley: **Oh...DUDE!

**Locke: **Well, Ben, there's so much I didn't know about you and so much that I didn't _want _to know either. You sick little *bleep* hole.

**Ben: **_*stares at everyone's disgusted faces* _What? Oh come on! You can't all honestly stand here and tell me that Jack never spanked anyone here. Even just an unimportant, insignificant individual?

**Sawyer: **Well...

**Kate: **_*is abruptly shocked* EWWWWWWWWW! _

**Charlie: **Jack, how _could _you?

**Jack: **Easily. He was being way out of line and so I grabbed Charlie's guitar, made him bend over...

_*Charlie, who's been quite quiet for once, suddenly stands up looking very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very furious*_

**Charlie: **_*going red in the face* _You. Used. My. Bloody. Guitar. As. A. Means. Of. _Spanking_. Sawyer?!

**Desmond: **That's the thing, er, brotha. Your guitar wasn't _really _stepped on by a giant. We lied. Sorry.

**Carletta: **Ok, I think you all are sick and insane twerps who are beyond help! But, until season six starts up, I'm afraid we're stuck with each other. What_ is _it with leaders and spanking?

_*Charlie promptly storms out of the room, followed by an anxious Claire. A confused Jin ends up wandering out of the room too*_

**Ethan: **Now _that _was disgustingly amusing!

**Carletta: **_*sighs and rubs her temples vigorously* _Ok, Pickett. You're up next.

**Pickett: **Super.

**Sawyer: **This guy is a total whack job. Why waste your time and efforts on _him, _baby face?

**Carletta: **_*Sarcastically* _As, er, touching as your concern is, Sawyer, bugger off and let me do my job. Even though it isn't really my job.

**Pickett: **Incidentally, what _is _your job?

**Carletta: **I work as a statistical analysist and date reconfigurer for a big multi-national corporation.

_*The sounds of brains exploding and of jaws dropping befall her ears* _

**Carletta: **It's not exactly rocket science, people. Now, Pickett, I think the big question is: why the grudge against Sawyer?

**Jack: **Can I just intervene and say that that question begs another question in turn: who on this planet _doesn't _have a grudge against Sawyer?

_*No one speaks up in defence of Sawyer causing Jack to smirk* _

**Jack: **Point proven.

**Sawyer: **_*through gritted teeth* _Well, Jack, your "point" is about to be...

**Carletta: **_*hastily interrupts* _Hey, this is still a family show.

**Ana: **_*laughs sarcastically* _Really? Do you have kids? Would you really allow them to watch a show where a guy's friggin' _arm _was ripped off by a smokey...thing?

**Rousseau: **_*smiles reminiscently* _That was _so _funny.

**Alex: **_Mom! _

**Karl: **_Alex! _

**Michael: **_WALLLLLLLLLLT!_

**Carletta: **_*looks close to hysteria* _My question WAS directed at Pickett but, yeah, whatever. I'm only going to need therapy for the rest of my life but..._*starts talking to herself* _

**Ben: **Great. Our own therapist has just admitted she needs therapy. That's just _swell_.

**Pickett: **To answer the lady's question, the guy was pissing me off already. I mean it's like the doc said, who needs an excuse to beat the living snot out of this guy?

**Sawyer: **I love you too, Chinatown. _*grins sarcastically* _

**Carletta: **_*Looks through her notes* _Now, Richard. How old are you exactly?

**Richard: **About that... _*looks shifty* _Would it surprise anyone if I told you I was Jesus?

_*Charlie comes running back in* _

**Charlie: **_I KNEW IT! _

_*Charlie runs back out again* _

**Miles: **Erm, I'd like to know how the hell that guy knows about Richard, if he's never met him?

**Libby: **Maybe..._*in an awestruck voice* _**Charlie **is **God. **

**Carletta: **Oh for _cryin' _out loud! God is not Charlie...I mean, Charlie is NOT God. And I don't think Richard, despite his ability to never age, is Jesus.

**Sawyer: **_*sarcastically* _Way to crush our dreams, doc. You've, once again, crushed a very plausible theory and smashed the dreams of millions of lost fans. How do you live with yourself?

**Jack: **Are you referring to the fact that Richard isn't Jesus or the fact that Charlie isn't God?

**Sawyer: **_*shrugs* _Both. Personally, I think it would've been hilarious if the end of the show reveals that the little limey runt is actually God and that we were just toys in his mind games.

**Kate: **_*looks disturbed* _Have you been watching too many horror films, Sawyer? 'Cause I don't think that's something you came up with all by yourself.

**Juliet: **Are you saying my _boyfriends _isn't clever? Bitch!

**Kate: **_What?! _**Your **boyfriend? He's mine! He loved _me _first!

**Richard: **Children, children...aren't we beyond these petty sort of fights?

**Kate, Juliet: **_NO!_

**Richard: **_*taken aback* _No? Oh, ok. Carry on.

_*Kate and Juliet continue to scrap to the point where Sawyer sneaks out of the room* _

**Carletta: **Ok, this session officially sucks. We learned nothing _new _about the Others, except for the possibility, however minute it is, that Richard could be Jesus.

**Richard: **_I _think that makes it a success. I never normally speak for this long with someone interr-

**Carletta: **_*rudely interrupts* _That's all for now folks!

--------------------------------

**A/n:- its official. I *love* you guys!! Your reviews made me lol and I'm glad you like this story because I think it's quite good. Normally, I can't write humour but...well practice makes perfect, eh? **

**Next session: In Which Charlie Just Says No **


	7. Session 7: In Which Charlie Just Says No

Session 7: In Which Charlie Just Says No

**Sawyer:** I swear to _God _himself...

**Libby:** Which we clarified was Charlie...

**Sawyer: **Sure, sure. Ok, I swear to the _Lord Almighty Charlie _that you don't do it like that!

_*Carletta, by this time, is sitting in a chair looking utterly fed up. She presses a cloth to her forehead and occasionally throws something at someone to gain their attention...it fails dismally*_

**Jack: **Yo, what we talkin' about over here? Does Sawyer need the 'birds and the bees' talk again?

_*Sawyer scowls, unimpressed* _

**Sawyer: **Ha, ha, doc. No, me and loony Libby here were talking about how to make a house of cards.

**Michael: **With all the stuff we've got to deal with, _this _is what you've been wasting your time on?

**Charlie: **Yo, Mike! Stop regurgitating lines from season _one, _man! I'd rather hear you utter Walt's name all over again.

_*The room goes quiet and everyone stares at the Briton in utter amazement*_

**Kate: **Anyone else wanna slap him right now?

**Carletta: **Um..._hello? _No violence in the therapy room. At least, not without my express permission!

**Claire: **_*Laughs out loud* _That's stupid. I hit Locke all the time.

**Locke: **I put up with it for the sake of the is-

**Jack: **If you finish that sentence, I swear to _God..._

**Libby: **...who is really Charlie...

**Locke: **_*is shocked* _Charlie is...? What the hell? Where was I when this...secret was unleashed?

**Ben: **Um, this is kind of awkward... You were playing Singstar with Tom, John.

_*Everyone starts to snigger* _

**Hurley: **Dude, that's messed up!

**Ben: **Keep out of this, Jorge! Er, I mean _Hurley! _

**Charlie: **_*sniggers* _Everyone's getting so abusive, all because I said Michael should repeat Walt's name over and over again.

**Carletta: **_*rounds on him* _You think that's funny? Let's focus this session on _you_, Charles Hieronymous Pace!

**Sawyer: **LOL! What a stupid middle name!

**Charles: **I hate people who share my name! The island will destroy you-uuu-uuu! _*suddenly blows up*_

**Charlie: **What do you want to know? I'm prepared to tell you absolutely anything.

_*Silence. Carletta blinks, processing this* _

**Carletta: **I've not been this surprised since I found out that John Locke likes Singstar!

**Locke: **In my _defence_...it was the ABBA edition.

**Ben: **_That's _your defence? Oh, John. I thought I taught you better than that! You don't go singing ABBA with strange, gay men! It's just not cool!

**Charlie: **Says the man who spanks his people to enforce discipline.

**Locke: **OWNED! _*high fives Charlie* _

**Carletta: **_*ignores what everyone's just said* _Charlie, be honest, are you using?

**Claire: **He'd better not be, otherwise I'll do to him what I did to Desmond.

_*We flip to the open ocean where a frightened Desmond is tied up to a very badly constructed raft* _

**Charlie: **Desmond? What did he do to _you_?

**Sawyer: **_*in a high pitched sing song style of voice* _Some-body's ig-nor-ing the ques-tion!

**Claire: **He got himself drunk and started calling Aaron, Amy and complimented me on my beautiful baby girl!

**Nikki: **Well, to be fair, your son does look a bit like a...

**Claire: **NOBODY LIKES YOU!! GO AWAY! _*Flips Nikki over and starts to bury her alive* _

_*Everyone else starts to back away slowly*_

**Nikki: **Hey! DON'T RUIN MY HAIR, BITCH!

**Paulo: **_*Fidgets uncomfortably* _Why are people so mean to us? We had our moments of coolness!

**Hurley: **I was told by Carlton and Damon that you'd be awesome but...I got news for you...they lied, brother.

**Sawyer: **_Brother? _You been smokin' what Captain Glasgow's been smokin? 'Cause we don't need two of 'em!

**Charlie: **Anyway, to get back to the original question, when I had quit drugs...I _quit_. You could get El Jacko here to check my bloodstream and it would be clean!

**Jack: **EWWWWW! As if I'm touching _you_! Pervert.

**Christian: **You're a _doctor _and you're refusing to touch a patient on the grounds that you think he's a pervert. I w_as _right, you ARE screwed up.

_*Predictably, Jack bursts into tears and runs out of the room*_

**Kate: **Ok, I'm really starting to go off him now.

**Skaters: **FINALLY! WOOOOOOO! _*celebrate*_

**Jaters: **YOU CAN'T GO OFF JACK! JATE IS FATE!!!

**Claire: **Wait, I don't understand something...

**Carletta: **Oh for God's sake!

**Libby: **You mean for _Charlie's _sake!  
**Carletta: **Grrrr! _*knocks Libby unconscious* _Charlie is _not _God! Ok?!?!

**Hurley: **As if you knocked my girlfriend unconscious! Dude, that is so not cool!

**Charlie: **You don't know me! I'm a bloody rock God!

**Michael: **And you tell _me _off for regurgitating lines from season one! You're such a hypocrite!

_*Charlie and Michael square off, glaring at each other and getting ready to fight. Jack returns and slides into his seat, ignoring Sawyer's smirk*_

**Locke: **Ok, that proves it...Charlie is _definitely _using.

**Charlie: **_What?! _I'm NOT using. I'm NOT, NOT, NOT, NOT, NOT using!

**Locke: **I've never been so convinced of your drug addiction.

**Charlie: **Bald git.

**Ben: **_*snorts* _Now who's owned, John?

**Carletta: **_*to herself* _Kill me, kill me now.

**Claire: **I believe you, Charlie.

**Charlie: **Y-you do? Aw, thanks Claire!

_*Charlie and Claire end up kissing, which causes some of the group to AWW whilst others (cough, Sawyer, cough) make vomiting noises* _

**Locke: **Great. Now how will I manipulate the most naive member of the group to sacrifice her man to the island so that I can become the supreme powerful John Locke of the island?

**Carletta: **_*looks shell shocked* _How do you not _fall down _more? Seriously, John, that's just...twisted.

**Ben: **Even _I'm _not that evil! And that's saying something.

**Charlie: **Are you sure _you're _not using, John? I only ask because of your strict zero tolerance policy. I wouldn't want you to have to start punching yourself in the fact. _*smirks* _

**Jack: **Yeah, that's all well and good Charlie...except we know you'd _love _it if that actually happened. Actually, so would I!

**Kate: **What is it with boys and fighting? I swear to _God..._

_*Everyone waits for Libby to interrupt but she's still unconscious*_

**Jack: **What is it with _you_ and running away, Kate?

**Locke, Ben, Charlie: **OWNED!

_*Kate scowls and looks like she's going to hit someone. Locke, who is sitting next to her, moves to sit next to Jin*_

**Jin: **_*in Korean*_ Hello, John! Welcome to the good side!

**Locke: **Yeah? Squabblededoodyamibby to you too, my good man.

**Jin: **_*to Sun* _Is the man on drugs?

_*Charlie, who has undestood this, cracks up with laughter and whispers it to Jack who also bursts into laughter* _

**Carletta: **Ok, is this about Charlie's drug addiction or Locke's? I am seriously considering stealing Sawyer's gun and shooting you all now.

**Sawyer: **_*sarcastically* _Aw, our therapist ladies and gentlemen. And others... _*shoots a nasty look at Jack* _

**Jack: **NOW HOLD ON A LOCKE KILLING MINUTE! You're lumping me in with Captain Frog's band of deformed tramps? Why?

_*Sawyer looks strangely impressed at Jack's first attempt at nicknaming people*_

**Ben: **_*sniffs* _I did not care for that remark, Jack. Did not care for it at all.

**Charlie: **This is brilliant! No one's taking notice of the fact that I have a secret stash of drugs in my pocket. Tee-hee! _*gets out a Virgin Mary statue* _

**Claire: **_*in a dangerously low voice* _Charlie...can I talk to you for a second? Alone?

**Charlie: **Sure, babe. Anything for you.

_*the two of them exit the room and everyone falls quiet. The sounds of high pitched screams, oddly enough coming from Charlie, can be heard*_

**Sawyer: **It might just be my overactive imagination...but I think Chucky just got whipped.

_*Claire returns with the remainder of a piece of rope in her hands. Charlie is nowhere to be seen* _

**Jack: **_*nervously* _Erm, Claire? Where's Charlie?  
_*Claire turns towards him and smile sweetly*_

**Claire: **Charlie who?

**Kate: **_*gulps* _You didn't...kill him did you?

_*Claire's smile widens and we flip to the open ocean where Charlie is tied up to a raft alongside Desmond. Both men sincerely regret pissing Claire off* _

**Charlie: **_*from afar* _ALRIGHT! JESUS, WOMAN, I'LL QUIT!

**Richard: **Did somebody call for Jesus? Am I finally needed by somebody?

**Sawyer: **Go back to sleep there, Gandalf, whilst the big boys talk.

**Jack: **_*snorts* _Do you really consider yourself part of the "big boys" club? That's a bit of a stretch, even for you.

_*Sawyer sits still for a moment before leaping up and punching Jack in the face* _

**Carletta: **_*utterly bored* _I think that concludes today's violent - and utterly pointless - counselling session. What did we learn? Absolutely nothing.

**Ben: **Now, wait just a minute. That's not entirely true. We learned lots of interesting things. We learned never, NEVER, to piss off Claire. Or confuse Aaron with being a girl.

**Sawyer: **_I _learned that some of the best things in life are free, like hearing the sound of Jack's nose breaking.

**Jack: **_*sounding muffled* _And we learned that, much to our disappointment, Charlie is NOT God.

**Hurley: **Dudes, Libby hasn't woken up in, like, ages. Shouldn't we call a doctor or something?

**Sayid: **I have the number of a good one in my pocket...

**Sawyer: **Or, you know, we could phone the island ambulance...

**Jack: **Oh _come on! _Am I invisible to you people?

_*An awkward silence falls amongst the castaways* _

**Sawyer: **Did you guys hear something?

-----------------------------

A/n:- Ok, I'm having way too much fun with this fic! I'm going to start fulfilling some of your requests now. Thanks to my faithful reviewers!! Love you all!! :DD

Next session: In Which Juliet Swings Both Ways (Not Like That!)


	8. Session 8: In Which Juliet Swings Both W

Session 8: In Which Juliet Swings Both Ways (Not Like That!!)

_*After last session's disastrous ending, Carletta decides to take a different approach with the Losties. She divides them into pairs (and no they don't get a say as to who their partner is) and gets them to play a word game* _

**Carletta: **Right, I think we've established you're a bunch of no hopers but I have a trick up my sleeve.

**Desmond: **But sista...you aren't wearing any sleeves. How does that work, eh?

**Carletta: **_*sighs* _It's a figure of speech, Des. Anyhoo, this is how the game works. You'll each pick a card out of this hat and each person within the pair will associate a memory with that word.

**Charlie: **This is utterly _pointless_. I mean, what if we get a word we can't do? What if, for example, Jack gets a card with the word _laughter _on it.?He's pretty much screwed, isn't he? When has Jack ever laughed?

_*Jack scowls at Charlie, pretty much confirming what the young rock God has just said*_

**Sawyer: **_*looks at Charlie* _We should hang out more.

**Juliet: **I can't believe I don't have the bond you guys have _*is sad* _I was stuck for three years being an "other". I hated it.

**Kate: **Or so you would have us believe...

**Juliet: **_*glares* _You just don't know when to shut up, do you?

**Locke: **_*to self* _Time for a distraction. Time for Locke to become...an island hero!

_*Locke stands on a table that has randomly appeared from nowhere. He, to everyone else's embarrassment, starts singing ABBA*_

**Jin: **_*in broken English* _I...am not...familiar with the type of...thing I'm seeing.

**Sun: **I don't believe there's a single word in any language that could describe what Locke is doing.

**Juliet: **See, even _this _is better than what I had to put up with.

**Ben: **Are you suggesting that your life as an "other" was less than satisfying? I pulled out all the stops for you!

**Claire: **I don't understand...is Juliet a goody or baddy?

**Carletta: **_*is incredulous* _Have you not seen season five yet? Come to think of it, where did you disappear to in season 4?

**Claire: **_*is nervous* _I was...if you must know...auditioning for this new musical. It's brand new and the Lost producers made it themselves.

**Ben: **I LOVE musicals!! _*sees everyone's incredulous glances* _That's not something a man should confess, is it?

**Sawyer: **_*rolls eyes* _Gee, ya think?!

**Charlie: **What's the name of this musical? Is it Monster Eats the Pilot?

**Claire: **No, it's called Pregnant Women On Lost Never Seem to Give Birth When They Need To.

_*Silence follows, followed by a gust of wind and a batch of tumbleweed blows by*_

**Ben: **Ok, what the f**k is this?

**Juliet: **Calm down, Benjamin! Stop trying to wear the big boy trousers. You'll always be an immature little bug eyed creep.

**Losties: **Yay! Juliet's on our side!

**Carletta: **_*deep in thought* _Now, wait a second. How come I saw you leave Ben's house the other day? You seemed to be wearing a big smile on your face.

**Juliet: **_*blushes* _Erm, that never happened. You must've seen someone who looked like me. Maybe Alex!

**Alex: **Erm, A) I'm _right here_ and B) we look nothing alike.

**Juliet: **Crap.

**Sawyer: **What is it, blondie? 'Fess up. Why were you in Captain Bunnykiller's house? Oh God, you weren't having...a quickie were you?  
**Juliet: **EW, EW, EW! What's wrong with you?!

**Ben: **_*under his breath* _You don't need to overdo the disgust card. I do happen to be a sex god, but whatever.

**Carletta: **So, Juliet, what's it like being an Other? Give us the gory details.

**Harper: **Hello, just thought I'd drop in!

**Sawyer: **ARGH! Is it, like, raining women in here?

**Harper: **Ok, James, first of all, don't rip off other song titles to try and sound clever...you _will _get sued. Secondly, I think the men outnumber the women in here and thirdly, well, I don't need a third 'cause the first and second reasons were SOLID, man!

**Juliet: **Oh God. _*holds head in hands* _This is all because I slept with her husband...

**Sawyer: **Wait a minute, hold the phone! _You _slept with a married man? You're a little dark horse aren't ya? _*smiles at her* _But you're not like other girls, that's why I love ya.

**Kate: **_*Under her breath* _Give me strength...

**Carletta: **Is it just me, or every time someone asks a question it takes a million years for it to be answered?

**Eloise: **That's the luck of the draw, I'm afraid, love.

**Desmond: **Jesus Christ, not this woman again.

**Daniel: **Don't talk about my freakishly insane mother like that! She gave me a_ diary_, man! _*sniffs* _

**Eloise: **I only spoke because it seems like you're not focusing on the characters who really matter.

**Locke: **_*in a sing song voice* _Like meeeeeeeeeee!!!

**Jack: **No, John, just no.

**Juliet: **See! At least with the Others the attention was on me a little. Now I'm with you lot, I'm just being tossed from one guy to the other. First Jack, then Sawyer, now Sayid...

**Shannon: **Gasp! How could you, Sayid? Another blonde? Have you some sort of sick fetish for blondes?

**Sayid: **I never...she's lying...I don't know what she's even...oh, forget it. I'm about as believable as Jack when he claims he knows how to play golf.

**Jack: **Are these sessions deliberately designed to pick on me? I'm getting the impression people don't like me.

**Sawyer: **_*in a soppy voice* _We wuv you weally, Jack. We're sowwy for upsetting you.

**Jack: **_*in a sarcastic tone* _Funny.

**Sawyer: **But we wuuuuuuuv you!

_*Sawyer then divulges in a friendly game of Kiss Chase with Jack, who starts to believe Sawyer has a man crush on him. He flees and Sawyer chases after him, causing the rest of the room to erupt with laughter* _

**Juliet: **_*to Kate and Claire* _Are men always like this?

**Kate, Claire: **Oh yeah, definitely.

**Charlie: **_*frowning* _When have I ever been that childish?

_*Claire proceeds to rattle off a long list, by which time Sawyer and Jack return to their seats, bickering about who has the sexier ass* _

**Sawyer: **You might have a cute little tush, doc, but I got an ass which is sexy, well rounded and which doesn't resemble Hurley's stomach.

**Hurley: **Nice, Sawyer. Now, every time I look at my stomach I'm gonna think of your ass. Thanks for that.

**Sawyer: **Oh, come on, Pork Chops. It's not like you've never thought 'bout it before. _*winks* _

**Carletta: **Ok, that has to be the most disturbing thing I've ever heard.

**Miles: **LaFleur, what the hell's wrong with you?!

**Sawyer: **Holy cricket, it's Mr Chow Mein. Where you been, sonny?

**Miles: **I've actually been here all the time...along with all the other characters who aren't good enough to appear more than once. GO NEGLECTED CHARACTERS!

**Neglected Characters: **Wooo! We rock!!

**Carletta: **Oh, give me strength. A lot of you so called "neglected characters" haven't met Juliet, hence why we're not talking to you as yet.

**Boone: **Oh. Fine. Juliet, I'm Boone. I'm a _sacrifice the island demanded_.

**Locke: **You know I really thought you were cool with it but now I'm starting to think you are overdoing the sarcasm waaaay too much.

**Boone: **_*is REALLY sarcastic now* _Really, John? What gave you that impression?

**Shannon: **Leave your boyfriend alone, idiot. He's obviously having a bad hair day.

**Charlie: **LOL! He doesn't have any hair! Ha, ha, ha!

**Boone: **Well done, Charlie. _That _is the joke.

**Juliet: **Can we please get back to moi? I'm still pondering which side to choose.

**Tom: **I made you so many grilled cheese sandwiches I can't even count. Pick the right side, Jules.

**Sawyer: **I put make up on Miles to make you smile! If that's not love, I don't know what is.

**Miles: **Now is_ that _"never talking about it again"? Didn't think so.

**Sayid: **Stay with us, Juliet or I'll torture you.

**Jack: **Sayid, no offence or whatnot but do you really think you're the best candidate to represent our team democratically and peacefully?

**Sayid: **No...but TORTURERS ROCK! Come on, how many people can honestly say "hello, I am a torturer"? You hear people saying "ooh I'm a doctor" but there aren't a lot of torturers out there!

**Charlie: **Sayid, there's a reason why a lot of people aren't torturers. We're not all capable of watching another human being in pain.

**Sawyer: **Captain Munchkin's right, chief. Ain't a lot of point arguing with the leader of the borrowers.

**Charlie: **Har de har har, Sawyer. Another size joke. Git.

**Juliet: **Sawyer, be nice. Anyhoo, I hate swinging from one camp to the other. I might just make my own camp. GO TEAM JULIET!

**Kate: **_*sighs impatiently* _Could you not pick a more original name? I mean, we've decided on Fronties...

**Ana: **And _we _decided on Tailies...

**Kate: **You could be...erm...Middlies? Not Even On The Plane-ies? Blondie Who Tries to Steal Kate's Man-ies?

**Juliet: **Ha, ha, Austen. You're about as funny as Miles.

**Kate: **_*frowning* _But he's not funny.

**Juliet: **Exactly.

**Sawyer: **Can I be in your camp...thingy? I'm bored of being with these shallow and pedantic people.

**Kate: **Sawyer, stop regurgitating the dictionary. It's not cool.

**Ana: **This reminds of a song I once wrote called "Jerk On The Island Won't Let Me Pee"

**Charlie: **_*laughs hysterically* _You are so freakin' FUNNY! You are a delight. We need to hang out more often.

**Ana: **Well, I would hang out with you except you thought I was checkin' out your ass. Plus, I'm dead.

**Charlie: **So? I'm dead too.

**Ana: **Oh yeah...sweet. _*high fives Charlie* _

**Sawyer: **Whilst Dumb and Dumber over there decide which song plays at their _funeral, _I think we should resume with this word play game.

**Carletta: **_*looks wearily up from her chair* _Bad news, you lazy, inconsiderate killjoys! I got so bored listening to you, I ate every single card.

**Hurley: **Dudette, chill. You need to chillax.

_*In a fit of temper, Carletta throws her shoe at Hurley, who ducks, which ends up hitting and knocking out Kate* _

**Sawyer: **_*to Juliet* _Quick, baby, let's flee this joint.

**Juliet: **Alright. _*giggles* _

_*Sawyer hoists her up in his arms and they run out of the cabin*_

**Carletta: **Eugh, I take it she's found her "side".

**Miles: **Er, yeah but it's not so much "team side" as it is "side of the bed". Crazy animals.

**Sayid: **Now that bigmouth and his girl have gone, perhaps we can decide Juliet's real side with a torturous game...er, I mean _friendly _game...of throw the hobbit.

_*Tom, Ben and Alex all grin* _

**Charlie: **Ooh, that sounds interesting. How do you play?

_*Sayid stares at Charlie with a mixture of pity and incredulity* _

**Sayid: **Charlie, Charlie, Charlie...you really do walk into these kind of things.

_*Ben, Sayid and Tom advance on Charlie before mercilessly grabbing him and tossing him into the air. He disappears through the roof of the cabin and doesn't come back* _

**Libby: **I have a theory as to why he hasn't returned. I reckon he's been tossed in the air before and made our plane crash with his heavy hobbit weight.

**Ben: **Wow. That is soooooo crazy. What a sad fantasy.

_*Sawyer and Juliet return just in time to see Libby slap Ben around the face* _

**Sawyer: **_*laughs at Ben's shell shocked expression* _Ha! OWNED!

**Ben: **Are you happy now, Jacob? DO YOU FIND THE EFFIN' RED MARK ON MY CHEEK AMUSING?

**Jacob: **LOL! Yeah, actually. I haven't laughed like that in centuries.

**Sawyer: **Wait...what?

**Jacob: **Never mind.

**Richard: **Richard Alpert isn't immortal. YOU ARE! _*points to a random extra who shrieks and falls off her chair* _

**Juliet: **_*giggles insanely* _We saw a flying Charlie earlier. Anybody care to explain that?

**Ben: **I can explain e_verything _Juliet.

_*Juliet walks right up to him and stares at him* _

**Juliet: **Can you, Ben? Can you really?

**Ben: **No. But I can give you an explosive device which could just kill us all.

**Juliet: **Ok, I'm fed up of bombs, explosives and John Locke. Why do I always have to be there when something explosive goes off? I quit Lost!

_*Big loud gasp from everyone in the room* _

**Carletta: **You can't quit Lost! Sure, it winds us up to the point where we could literally KILL someone but we wuv, I mean, luv it really. Grr, Sawyer I'm going to kill you for putting that in my head!

**Juliet: **I don't even know if I'm dead or alive...or whether Locke's dead or alive. It's not fair that he gets a hatch door slammed on him, gets shot in the leg by Ethan, survives an 80 foot drop out of a building and gets strangled by Ben and still gets to walk around like he owns the place.

**Locke: **I'm important, that's why!

**Juliet: **_*snorts* _Important, my ass!

**Ana: **Ooh, ooh! This reminds me of another song I wrote called "Blonde woman, bite me!"

_*Hysterical laughter reaches the ears of our castaways as Charlie comes flying back in* _

**Charlie: **OMG! I had the same idea, but mine was different. I called it, "Latina Checks Out My Ass And Digs Me"

**Ana: **You wish, perv boy!

**Carletta: **_*glances at watch* _After eight sessions of talking about absolutely nothing, does _anybody _even care if we continue this or not? I'm supposed to lead the discussion but I feel like a friggin' statue over here.

**Jack: **I think we need these sessions. Gets out all the random crap so we can still look like we know what's going on in the show, even though we don't.

**Sawyer: **Wait a minute, you mean Carlton and Linda-Loo didn't tell you? They've been pulling random words out of a box and filling in the blanks; it's how we get the plot of Lost.

**Jack: **Prove it.

_*We shoot to the Lost producers who are currently working on season six scripts* _

**Carlton: **Ok, give me an adjective.

**Damon: **Erm, smokey.

**Carlton: **Good, good. A character's name?

**Damon: **Erm, Jack.

**Carlton: **A noun?

**Damon: **Abyss.

**Carlton: **Good, good. And finally...another adjective.

**Damon: **Dark.

**Carlton: **Ok, this sounds quite good: _One smokey day, Jack encounters a dark abyss and falls down. The end. _

_*Shoots back to the main castaways* _

**Jack: **If that's how they end it, I swear to God...

**Libby: **Who is really Charlie! WHY MUST YOU ABUSE THIS THEORY?!?!

**Ben: **Because it sucks. Everything sucks. I miss my mommy.

**Charlie: **_*Points dramatically* _I KNEW IT!

**Jin: **_*In Korean* _I may not understand English very well, but I know that these people are insane.

**Locke: **Shabbadabbadoodwingydingyfudge... I can speak Korean. That is _so _going on my resumé!

_*Jin rolls his eyes, understanding that perfectly*_

---------------------------------------------------

An:- i though as a treat for you guys, I'd update quicker. If you recognise certain bits of this text, I've stolen it from 2009 Lost Comic Con which was absolutely hilarious! Especially the banter between Michael Emerson and Jorge Garcia (Ben and Hurley)!

Next Session: In Which Richard's Eyeliner Is Eyed.


	9. Session 9:In Which Richard's Eyeliner Is

Session 9: In Which Richard's Eyeliner Is Eyed

_Carletta sits in the circle, looking frustrated. Jack and Sawyer, for once, are getting along but are talking in loud voices about Locke, who is nowhere to be seen. _

**Carletta: **_*Looks at watch* _Ok, since time doesn't matter on a damn island, I'm gonna let Ben ask his question. He, for once, can rule this session.

**Ben: **_*Proceeds to put on glasses in an attempt to look like a newsreader* _Thank you, Carletta. Tonight, I'll be addressing, perhaps one of Lost's biggest mysteries. This is the question that our faithful fans have been pondering over ever since he first appeared on our screens. Does Richard Alpert wear eyeliner?

**Richard: **_That's _Lost's biggest mystery? As flattered as I am that it includes me, I don't think that's a big mystery. It's evident I am a MAN so I don't wear eyeliner.

**Jack: **_*is in the middle of putting on eyeliner* _Wait, so it's not okay for a guy to wear this stuff? DAMN IT! I wasted a trip to La Isle Des Cosmetics.

**Rousseau: **Invented by moi!

**Sayid: **How? How is it invented by you? For God's sake, Danielle you look like someone's bowled you into some bushes and left you there to decay! You obviously are not someone who has invented make up, of all things.

**Rousseau: **You said you loved me! How can you abuse me like this?

**Sayid: **WHEN IN GOD'S NAME DID I SAY THAT I LOVED YOU?

**Libby: **_*In a very, very quiet voice* _God is Charlie. Charlie is God.

_*Alex proceeds to call Childline because she's obviously scarred by this conversation* _

**Ben: **Yo! Torturer dude! You're stealing my session! The session I DESIGNED from SCRATCH and spent ALL night to plan!

**Sayid: **Sorry. I'll just go...find Nadia or something. I keep losing her for some reason...

_*He leaves the room promptly*_

**Ben: **Anyway, Richard why are you denying it? Either you're wearing eyeliner or someone's decorated your eyes with a felt tip pen!

**Penny: **Don't listen to Ben, Richard. He's the one with the eye problem, not you.

**Ben: **Excuse me? Who invited _you _to this session? I HATE THE WIDMORES!

**Penny: **Um, technically I'm not a "Widmore" anymore. I *just* married Desmond. I'm a Hume now!

**Ben: **Oh. Well, that changes _everything._

**Penny: **Does it? Does it really?

**Ben: **Nope! I tend to kill everything that pisses me off. The Dharma Initiative, my father and I even tried to kill Locke.

**Jack: **_*Snorts* _Everyone's tried to kill Locke. Even me!

**Claire: **_*Glares at her half brother* _That is NOT something to be proud of, is it?

**Jack: **No, Claire. _*Hangs head in shame*_

**Sawyer: **You got owned by, not just a woman, but your own sister! What little street cred you had, is now gone! GONE, I SAY, GONE!!

**Jack: **Thanks, Sawyer. Love you too.

**Charlie: **I _*knew* _it!

**Richard: **_*Totally disregards everything that's just been said* _Why, with all the stuff I have to deal with, would I waste my time putting on eyeliner?

**Sawyer: **To make you look pwettiful! _*Flutters eyelashes*_

**Jack: **Are you sure _you _don't wear eyeliner, _James_?

**Sawyer: **Well, doc, seems two women would know the answer to that. Kate, Juliet...after waking up with _me _and not the doc here, have you ever seen me wear eyeliner?

**Juliet, Kate: **No. We'd dump you if you did.

**Sawyer: **There we go. I rest my case on Vincent here. _*Takes out Kate's old case and rests it on the dog* _

**Vincent: **Woof! Woof! Growl! Woof! Woof!

**Sawyer: **_Damn it! _Where's Taller Ghost Walt when you need him?

**Michael: **You mean my son's gone again? GONE?

**Carletta: **_Oh... _boy.

**Jack: **Brace yourselves, this could be bad.

**Claire: **_*Whimpers* _Hold me Charlie!

**Michael: **_*Takes a deep breath* _WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

**Sawyer: **Jesus, Mike, I think you just crashed a plane with that noise you made. Have you really nothing better to do than yell your son's name over and over and over again?

**Michael: **Nope!

**Boone: **If that's all season two consisted off, I'm glad I got away earlier!

**Shannon: **_Boone! _A-hole! Don't rub your "early death" in my face!

**Boone: **Well, Shan, at least you got to stick around later! At least you got killed by a_ policewoman_! Me, I was killed by a nutjob who actually thinks the island talks to him.

**Ana: **Oh yeah! I win, Locke loses! Go, Go Ana! Go, go Ana!

**Sawyer: **Yeah, go, go Ana...go _away. *Turns to Jack* _Can you believe she tricked me into having sex with her?

**Jack: **So? You still got to have sex, right?

**Sawyer: **_*Frowns* _What's the matter with me? Why am I such a girl?

**Carletta: **_*Rolls eyes* _Men! Such ignorant pigs!

**Sawyer: **You really are the worst therapist I've ever come across. Did no one else volunteer to counsel us?

**Carletta: **No. Why do you even care, Sawyer? It's not like you contribute anything useful to these sessions.

**Sawyer: **Now that is true. I'm just in this for giggles.

**Richard: **Does no one want to know why I never age? Is no one interested in me anymore? Come on people! I may not wear eyeliner but I will live forever and ever and ever...

**Kate: **Yeah, as true as that may be, the rest of us don't. Don't rub it in or we shall smack you with Eko's Jesus Stick.

**Eko: **It's specifically designed to beat Jesus to death. We believe you are Jesus.

**Richard: **Aren't you a priest?

**Eko: **Yes.

**Bernard: **I prefer him like this. I liked him better when he was hitting people with his stick. Now, he just creeps me out.

**Charlie: **_*To Eko* _I like you just the way you are. Except, you know, when you kind of abandoned me to push the button.

_*A drunk Desmond and Locke stumble into the room just as Charlie finish his sentence* _

**Desmond: **If you're ready to save the wo-oo-rld...

**Locke: **...you better, push the button and DO SOO-OOO...

**Desmond: **...before Boxman explodes with rage and dies...

**Locke: **...don't wanna kill the island or I'll cry!

**Charlie: **O....kay. At least he's not singing ABBA, right?

**Locke: **DON'T GO-OO-OOO HURTING MY-Y-YYY I-------SLAND!

**Desmond: **GET AWWWAYYYYYYYY FROM ME!!!

**Sawyer: **You just _had _to say something, didn't ya munchkin?

**Desmond: **Well, I could kill Ben and trade him for a hen...

**Locke: **Does the Island know that you're insane?

**Ben: **Why did I have to make him my successor? WHY-OH-WHY-OH-WHY?

**Richard: **See! I told you he was trouble. Just not the kind of trouble you see before you.

**Jack: **See, I prefer this Locke to the Locke who thought he was so right he got a bunch of my people killed to try and impress me!

**Locke: **I may be deaf, Jack, but I am NOT drunk. Oops, way wrong round! _*Giggles like a girl* _

**Carletta: **Let's ignore Locke for the moment...or forever...and go back to Richard. Why does everyone think he wears eyeliner? I'm an avid Lost fan (or at least I _was_ until I met you losers) and I've never believed that he's worn eyeliner. Never.

**Ben: **Meh, I dunno. I was bored whilst reading a Charlie centric episode script...

**Charlie: **Hey! That is NOT cool man!

**Ben: **...I decided to start a rumour. I'd already started one on Jack, Sawyer, Kate...pretty much everyone I oppose and want to destroy...and so I decided to start one on Richard.

**Richard: **So _you_ started that _eyeliner _rumour? My eyes look perfectly fine?

**Ben: **Well, actually, I just said that you wore make up. From there, everyone's imaginations leaped to your eyes. So, keep worryin' man.

**Richard: **Well, unless I get new skin and new eyes, I guess I'll have to get used to this.

**Kate: **_*To Jack* _Hey, I'm bored now that I'm not in the discussion as much. Wanna go get caught in a net?

**Jack: **OKAY!! WOOOOO!!

_*They leave the room quickly, laughing as they leave*_

**Sawyer: **Hopefully that is the last time we'll ever hear Jack "Wooooo" ever again. But, knowing Lost, it'll come back around. ARGH, I'M UNCOVERING REPRESSED MEMORIES OF THE MAN I ACCIDENTALLY KILLED!!!

**Juliet: **_Accidentally _killed? You held the gun to his heart and pulled the trigger, how can that be an accident? Nobody is stupid enough to shoot someone by accident.

_*Ana looks guiltily at Shannon before slowly making her way out of the room* _

**Juliet: **Okay, clearly some of us _are _stupid enough to shoot someone by accident. I stand corrected.

**Locke: **I still know and rule....OUR LOST ISLAND! I still love it alllllllllllllll.

**Michael: **_*looks at everyone* _May I?

**Everyone: **Please! Or we'll yell it ourselves!

**Michael: **_*Yells louder than Locke to cover up his awful singing* _WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTT!

**Sawyer: **Hope you enjoyed that, Hosse, because that is the first and last time we'll ever allow you to do that ever again.

**Ben: **Well, this has been wrapped up much more quickly than I expected. I'm so disappointed. I expected us to have a frantic debate over Richard's gorgeous girly eyelashes!

**Sawyer: **You're on your own there, Chief. Like I said, I'm in this for giggles. Richard is probably the one person I could never giggle at, no offence. He's just got SERIOUS tattooed on his forehead.

**Richard: **_*Gasps* _LIES! I can be very amusing. Like the time I told Locke I didn't remember him. I always remember everyone. Even when I don't officially meet them until a gazillion years later. Hee hee.

**Sawyer: **_*Sarcastically* _Oh, I forgot about that. Yes, a million Lost fans giggled themselves to death during that scene, knowing _exactly_ what you knew. Are you _serious? _

**Richard: **Well, you just told me I was...but I said..._*bursts into tears* _

**Charlie: **Do you have to make every man on this show cry? Well, all but me.

**Sawyer: **Hey, it's in my job description. And I did too make you cry! I told you your daddy loved ya and you cried...oh wait that was _Jack. _Good times, good times.

**Carletta: **I'll say it again: _men! _Such ignorant pigs!

**Claire, Juliet, Shannon: **Hear, _hear!_

**Charlie, Sawyer, Boone: **Hey, _hey! _

**Carletta: **Oh get over yourselves. What I just said isn't an insult...it's a fact of life.

**Charlie: **Not all guys are pigs, same as not all girls are like Kate.

**Sawyer: **You insult her when she's out of the room...you have no balls, Charlie.

**Charlie: **Erm, I beg to differ actually.

**Carletta: **Enough about balls, please! There are women in the room, after all.

**Sawyer: **_*With a smirk* _Well, Jack's just run out of the room...there's no more women left to justify that statement.

**Claire: **_*In a remarkably calm voice* _Girls, get the make up kit. Looks like we have someone who's just _dying _to try it out.

**Sawyer: **You wouldn't...

**Shannon: **Get him!!!

_*Shannon, Carletta, Claire and Juliet chase an annoyed and terrified Sawyer out of the room, prompting everyone else to burst into laughter*_

**Charlie: **I know we should've tried to help him but man oh man, he had that coming.

**Jin: **I...have the cameras.

**Locke: **OH MY GOD! Is Jin speaking English or am I speaking Korean? WOW! I like so understood him! I AM SPECIAL!

**Ben: **We have some breaking news, folks. Not only is Locke NOT special but he's a lightweight!

**Desmond: **I'll drink to that, brotha! _*Takes a long drink of whiskey and passes out* _

**Ben: **LOL! This has been very interesting. I'd be a good therapist, methinks. Who agrees?

_*Utter silence fills the room and people start fidgetting on the spot, looking awkwardly around* _

**Ben: **_*Sulkily* _Well, up yours then. Here's to another lousy session. I'm Benjamin Linus and I'll be killing you all now.

_*Room fades to black and we can hear a bunch of screams as Ben randomly kills all the extras who nobody really cares about*_

-------------------------

A/n:- Aw, poor Ben! He really wanted to be a therapist but I think we can all agree he's got too many issues to be a therapist. And so concludes another session! I updated this a lot quicker than expected because of YOU, my faithful readers! :D Your reviews make me smile and giggle. BIG HUGS!

Next session: In Which We Unlock Locke


	10. Session 10: In Which We Unlock Locke

Session 10: In Which We Unlock Locke

_For once, everything is calm and serene. Carletta is actually SMILING, at something JACK, of all people, is saying (and not shouting through heavy breathing). _

**Carletta: **That was a delightful joke about the polar bear wearing rollerblades and holding a mango, Jack, but it wasn't YOUR joke was it?

**Jack: **_*lowers head* _No…I kinda stole it from Charlie.

**Sawyer: **Good thing the munchkin ain't here doc, otherwise you'd have been bitch slapped.

**Carletta: **_Where _is Charlie, today? He's always here – admittedly only to mock and shout at everyone but still…

**Ana: **He's having a parental lecture from Christian. Him and Claire are really starting to get serious, y'all.

_*Sawyer chucks something at her* _

**Ana: **_Bitch! _What was that for?

**Sawyer: **'Cause you smell. Doi!

**Jack: **_*rolls eyes* _You don't get a lot of 'doi' these days.

**Carletta: **I'm sorry for foisting this dreadful topic on you guys, but we have a big issue to tackle today. And when I say 'big', I'm talking 'Titanic' big.

**Ben: **_*with a straight face* _Is it about the fact that your nose looks like it's been hired to cover Connecticut?

**Carletta: **_HOW DARE YOU? _At least I don't have eyes the size of the moon!

**Ben: **Touché, Miss Carletta, so touché in fact I may just kill you tonight. I'll kill you like a dog on the street!

**Carletta: **Stop copying quotes from other shows, _Benjamin, _and listen up! Today, unfortunately, we're going to focus on Locke.

**Everyone: **_OH CRAP! _

**Sawyer: **I'd rather kiss a toilet seat than listen to another word that man has to say!

**Locke: **I can't say that didn't hurt, James, but I'll forgive you because that's what the is-

**Jack: **_*growling*_ Finish that sentence, Locke, and I'll shoot you. AND THIS TIME WITH A GUN THAT SODDING WORKS!

**Carletta: **_*hastily interrupts* _Ok, enough with the violent threats people! Locke, why do you seem to have an obsession (obsession being a very mild word here) with the island? WHY?

**Locke: **Because it healed me! I was paralysed for four years and when I crashed here, I could _walk!_ How do you explain THAT, Mr Sciency…dude?

**Hurley: **_*growing angry* _HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY WORD, YOU…BALD DUDE!

**Sawyer: **_*laughing* _You even made Captain Slim here have a go at you! Face it, Locke, you ain't making friends here!

**Locke: **Maybe I don't need friends! I'm cool enough without them! How many of you can hunt boars, track like a God and come back to life after being clinically dead?

**Jack: **Technically, Charlie came back to life-

**Locke: **NONE OF YOU, THAT'S HOW MANY! HA, HA, HA, HA!

**Carletta: **_*looks like she's about to throw something at him* _Let's talk about your father, Locke.

**Anthony Cooper:** A handsome devil of a man, if I do say so myself.

**Sawyer: **ARGH! It's the man who ruined my life! Who let _him _in the meeting?

**Anthony Cooper: **Doi! Secondary characters are also part of Lost.

**Sawyer: **See, Jack, SEE! Doi _is_ used a lot.

**Jack: **W**.**e**.**

**Sawyer: **_*confused* _How is throwing two letters at me gonna hurt my feelings?

**Jack: **You've obviously not familiarised yourself with MSN language. Lolz.

**Sawyer: **_*to everyone else* _What if Jack were president?

**Carletta: **_*snickers* _We'd be in a lot of trouble. He doesn't know where any countries are, besides his own!

_*Jack starts to mumble to himself indistinctively, although the words 'I won't rise to it' can be vaguely heard* _

**Locke: **_He. Stole. My. Kidney. _Enough said. I hate him and wish he was dead – oh wait he is!

**Sawyer: **Only because _I _killed him!

**Ben: **Did you _lie _to me, John? I'm very, very, very, very displeased with you!

**Anthony Cooper: **Ha, ha. I was a great villain! I made you who you were, boy. _*looks at Sawyer pointedly* _Everything you are, is because of me!

**Juliet: **I'd like to think _I _had influenced James too!

**Kate: **And me!

**Jack: **_I FIXED HIM! _I should get a claim on him too.

**Sawyer: **_*rolls eyes* _As flattered as I am that y'all are fighting over me…let's move on from this disturbing conversation.

**Locke: **HELLO? Back to me, please.

**Carletta: **Does anyone else have a question for him? I've kinda run out which is very strange, considering it's Locke.

**Sun: **I do! How come there are _two _of you at the finale of season five? I don't get it.

**Locke: **Because I have defied all the logistics of time and space – not to mention religion – by being in _two places at the same time._

_*A furious Locke is bitch slapped by a normally calm Rose*_

**Rose: **I may have been quiet during these last nine sessions but how dare you defy religion! I knew I was right about you.

**Locke: **Right about what?

**Rose: **You'll be the death of us all.

**Jack: **What a lovely, beautiful statement to make, Rose. I feel so good now.

**Rose: **_*spins round to glare at Jack* _Don't get me started on you, Jack. If you say 'live together, die alone', I'm going to punch you in the face.

**Sun: **You go girlfriend!

_*Everyone slowly turns to stare at Sun, as if they can't believe that she's just said that. This is the moment, as well, that Charlie and Claire choose to re-enter the room* _

**Charlie: **Um, do I even wanna know what's going on?

**Hurley: **Well, basically ,dude, we've just been bitching at Locke and now he's kinda riled Rose's feathers so Sun is just encouraging her to keep on saying disturbing things….you know, as you do.

**Charlie: **Ah. Can I write a song about that? Sounds epically weird.

**Claire: **What did we _just _talk about, Charlie? I thought we agreed you should stop writing songs about absurdly random topics?

**Charlie: **Yeah but I had my fingers crossed. _*Shows Claire his crossed fingers as evidence* _

**Sawyer: **Reeeeal mature, Chucky. That's gonna impress your girlfriend, isn't it?

**Charlie: **Says the guy who once tried to impress Kate by doing an epically bad rain dance all because she wished it would rain.

_*Sawyer glares wordlessly at Charlie as Juliet and Kate giggle in their seats* _

**Locke: **Charlie ruined my life! Why did he have to come back?

**Charlie: **_Me? _How did _I _ruin _your _life? You ruined my relationship with Claire!

**Locke: **_*thinks for a long time* _I don't know. I'll think of a reason though.

**Carletta: **Ooh, that brings me to a good question! Locke, are you aware that millions and millions of Charlie fan girls wanted to kill you when you punched Charlie? Why did you do it, you big bully? _*Suddenly remembers she's supposed to be unbiased* _Oops. I'm not being very professional today.

**Ben: **_*under his breath* _Or ever.

**Locke: **He was bugging Claire! I was trying to protect Claire and all I get for my pains was a load of abuse.

**Claire: **_*looking annoyed* _O-ho, protecting me annoyed you, did it John? Well, maybe I thought _you_ were being very stalker-ish. There, I said it.

**Sawyer: **_*triumphantly* _OWNED!

**Locke: **I don't know why the world is against me! Did no one feel sorry for me when Ben killed me? Huh?

**Jack: **_*looks uncomfortable* _Er, actually I did. When you started crying, I actually felt really bad for you.

**Charlie: **_*equally as uncomfortable*_ Same here. I actually wanted to throttle Ben for killing you.

**Ben: **Standing _RIGHT _here!

**Carletta: **Alright, I admit it. When that episode was on, I made a little voodoo doll of Ben and felt like stabbing it all over with pins. I can't stand that little jerk.

**Ben: **Can you people not SEE me?

**Locke: **Exactly. I might sometimes seem like a-

**Jack: **Jerk?

**Charlie: **Bald git?

**Rose: **Hypocrite?

**Locke: **Actually, I was just going to say a bit of an a-hole, but whatever works for you.

**Ben: **I was just going for colourful _*grins* _

**Carletta: **_*in a patronizing tone* _Of _course _you were.

**Locke: **See, why don't we get along more?

**Jack: **Because you KILLED Boone. Even though you didn't, technically, kill him you LIED to me. Why?

**Sawyer: **We've been through this, Lucy; don't question why people lie to you. You're not exactly the best guy to talk to.

**Jack: **But I'm a _doctor. _And my name is NOT Lucy!

**Ben: **_*In a really creepy tone* _Zat's vot zey all say and zen zey throw you on a table and take your innocence before you can scream for help.

_*An awkward silence falls across the group as they digest this* _

**Charlie: **Ok, either Ben's been watching too many horror films, or his doctor was a paedophile. Who was your doctor, by the way, Ben?

**Ethan: **Me! _*evil laugh*_

**Charlie: **_ARGH! IT'S ETHAN! *runs out of room* _

**Ethan: **Why do I always get the lines which make me sound like a bad guy?

**Claire: **Doi! Because you _are _one!

**Sawyer: **DO YOU SEE HOW WRONG YOU ARE JACK?

**Jack: **_*covers ear* _If I say yes, will you please stop shouting?! I'm right next to you, you jerk! Jeesh!

**Ethan: **I am NOT evil. I'm just misunderstood.

**Carletta: **Does that mean you need a counselling session Ethan? Why didn't you say so before?

**Ethan: **_*sourly* _Well, it's kind of hard to get a word in edgeways around here. Mighty Jack always has some rubbish to spout; Sawyer is constantly verbally copulating his opinion; Charlie's sticking his nose where it doesn't belong, not to mention constantly reminding me that he killed me. The limey little runt.

**Sawyer: **_*laughs* _Is anyone else starting to really like him?

**Everybody: **_**NO!! **_

**Sawyer: **It was just a question. Jeesh!

**Ethan: **Well, I think I should get my own session! In fact, I demand it!

**Carletta: **Well, I was going to dedicate the next session to the freighter folk but I guess I can bump you up a notch.

**Charlotte, Daniel, Miles, Frank: **AW! No fair!

**Carletta: **_*glares at them* _Deal with it!

**Locke: **This session has veered off the topic of me dramatically.

**Sun: **I wouldn't worry about it. We never actually dedicate an _entire session _to a certain topic. Mini sub-topics always crop up. It happens.

**Locke: **Gr.

**Sun: **Erm, what?

**Locke: **Gr. It's an abbreviation for '**gr**eat I'm stuck with these losers forever'.

**Sun: **You're really mean.

**Rose: **You go girlfriend!

**Bernard: **Oh, dear Lord!

**Charlie: **I've finished writing my epic ballad. It's called 'Voodoo Ben'.

**Jack: **L.O.L!

**Sawyer: **_*rolls eyes* _What's that supposed to mean, doc?

**Jack: **Laugh out loud, OR…

**Kate: **…Lots of Love, OR…

**Jack: **…Lots of Laughs, OR…

**Locke: **…LOVE OUR LOCKE!

**Jack: **_*coughs nervously* _That's another interpretation, I suppose.

**Kate: **That's not really the one we – or anyone else in the world – would use, John.

**Locke:***_sniffs*_ Well, there you go. The cold, hard, bitter truth.

**Jack: **It had to come out sooner or later, _mate_.

**Nikki: **Yah, like Claire's baby. How long did _that _take to come out?

_*Everyone looks around nervously, knowing full well Claire is NOT going to let this remark pass unpunished. This is also the moment Charlie re-enters the room* _

**Claire: **YOU INSULTED MY BAYYYYBEEEEEE! I hope you like the bald look, Nikki, because I'm gonna tear your hair out!

**Charlie: **Um, Claire…?

**Claire: **_*glares at him* _Don't interrupt me, Charlie, or so help me I'll cut the strings on your guitar!

**Charlie: **_*in a squeaky voice* _Never mind!

**Carletta: **I hate to say this but…Locke's right.

**Locke: **I am? I mean, I am! _*pauses* _Right about what?

**Carletta: **I'm paid to change you people and we get through squat. Maybe we need a new approach.

**Ben: **You're getting paid just to _attempt_ to try and get us to act normal? Ha! That's such a pointless job – you _know _we'll just abuse you until you quit. We've successfully managed to drive 42 other therapists insane because of our behaviour. _*smirks* _

**Hurley: **ARGH! 42 IS ONE OF THE NUMBERS! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

**Ben: **See? We're beyond help.

**Carletta: **Why do I stick around? Why?

**Ben: **Because you love us and your life is boring without our antics!

**Locke: **And you need a little Locke in your life! Face it; I was either the hero or the anti-hero of lost! Either way I got a lot of screen time. Yay me!

**Jack: **I was a constant hero! Yay **me!**

**Sayid: **I would just like to put my opinion across and say that Locke is a liar! Plus he hit me across the head with a very large stick.

**Eko: **Like mine?

**Sayid: **Yeah, only not as cool as yours.

**Eko: **I knew it.

**Locke: **_*blows raspberry* _Figures that the two coolest black guys on the show would have each other's backs.

**Sayid: **And he's racist as well.

**Michael: **Oi! I'm a cool black man as well! And so is my son, Walt.

_*There is a stunned silence as everyone stares at each other in disbelief, awe and shock*_

**Michael: **What?

**Charlie: **I think that's the first time _ever _thatyou've said your son's name in a normal, calm manner.

**Michael: **Well, it's a funny story, actually. I got a warning through the post saying that if I said it in that way one more time, they'd make me do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen. What other choice did I have?

**Jack: **_*winces* _You made the right choice, Michael.

**Locke: **I agree with Jack for once.

**Carletta: **And on that bombshell, we'll have to call it a session.

**Ben: **Duh, what else would we call it? Happy family hour?

**Carletta: **_*rolls eyes* _Never mind!

**Ethan: **It's MY TURN next! _*smirks at Charlie* _

**Charlie: **ARGH IT'S ETHAN!_ *pauses* _AGAIN! _*runs out of room* _

**A/n:- **I'm so sorry I've not updated this sooner! Real life has called me away a lot, as well as my other stories. I promise to update this soon x Thank you to my faithful reviewers! Some of your comments make me chuckle so keep them coming!

Next session: In Which… ARGH IT'S ETHAN!


	11. Session 11: In Which ARGH it's Ethan!

**Session 11: In Which…ARGH it's Ethan! **

_First thing to notice is that the session is no longer in Jacob's cabin but on the beach instead. Carletta is sitting on the sand, with one hand between Sawyer and Charlie who are yelling at each other over something ridiculously lame. _

**Sawyer: **Listen, _papa smurf, _I know that book back to front and you've got it completely wrong! _He's_ the vampire and she's the _human_.

**Charlie: **That's a load of bull. I swear to God she's the vampire. Isn't she, like, really pale and constantly surviving lots of dangerous situations?

**Sawyer: **_*rolls eyes* _Yeah but she's not a vampire. She's just so clumsy and can't be bothered with foundation.

_*Charlie falls silent, contemplating something*_

**Charlie: **I don't know what's more disquieting – the fact that you've actually read _Twilight_ or that you know the function of foundation.

**Carletta: **I don't mean to interrupt – or do I? – but this is a ridiculous lame topic to argue about. Act your age and not your shoe size! There you go – my advice for the day!

**Jack: **How come we're on the beach? Not that I prefer that dark, smelly cabin but why the change?

**Carletta: **Jacob needs it for the premature filming of season six. He says if you go even six feet in sight of it, he'll either chop of your limbs or influence Carlton and Damon to extend Lost to _twenty-three _long and painful seasons.

**Sawyer: **Is that necessarily a _bad_ thing because I don't know what I'm going to do when this show ends?

**Carletta: **_*glares at him* _I think six is a nice, even number to round off the show with! Besides I can't take much more of you nutcases attempting to resolve your irresolvable issues!

**Ethan: **_Ahem!_ Isn't this supposed to be my session? I'd prefer it if we cut out all the nonsensical babbling that occurs between each session.

**Jack, Kate, Sawyer: **_Ooooooooh! _

**Charlie: **ARGH! IT'S ETHAN! But I'm not running anywhere this time. Do you have any idea how bloody hard it is to run through _sand? _

**Jack: **_*sarcastically*_ NOOOOOOOO! None of us have _any_ idea what it's like to run through sand, Charlie! All through the series we've all been _sitting_ and singing Disney songs to each other! 

**Sawyer: **You'd have just _loved_ it if that had actually happened.

**Ethan: ***_yells and looks frustrated* _Shut up, shut up, _shut UUUUUUUP_! I want to iron out my issues! Unlike the rest of you, it'll only take _one_ session to sort out _my_ issues!

**Carletta: **Ok, Ethan. Let's hear your side of the story.

**Ethan: **Yay! Where to start? Well, I have _mummy_ issues so I'm special…

**Locke: **That's a lie! Walt's the only special one! Oh and me as well!

**Ben: **Shut the SMOKE MONSTER up, Locke! Or I'll make you play hangman again and you know how _that_ ended, didn't you?

**Locke: **As I recall you made me put a real noose around my neck, insisting it would be more _lifelike_ if we re-enacted a proper hanging. I lost and then for some reason my whole world went dark…

**Ethan: **_*interrupts*_ Ok, enough of the jibber jabber! Well, for some reason I seem to remember _her_ being there during my childhood, _*points to Juliet*_ yet somehow I ended up meeting her years and years later. What gives?

**Juliet: **Ah, about that…

**Sawyer: **Don't tell him, sunshine. We don't want to confuse the already confusing storyline by telling this confused soul about a confusing storyline that confused the already confused and so confused us even more.

_*the sounds of hundreds of brains exploding fills the air and everyone's jaws end up dropping to the floor as they try to comprehend that statement*_

**Ethan: **I don't get why I'm portrayed as the bad guy of season 1! I mean sure I hung Charlie from a tree and kidnapped a pregnant woman but I was a good person! Whatever I did, I did for –

**Jack: **_*snarling*_ I swear to _God_ if you end that sentence with either "the island", "Jacob" or "the smoke monster" I will hang _you_ from a tree.

**Charlie fans: **DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

**Ethan: **_*Sighs*_ No one's going to let the Charlie thing go are they? Have you heard how much rubbish he _spouts_ though?! I only had him for thirty seconds before I couldn't take it anymore!

**Charlie: **I do not _talk rubbish_! You promised me a fun game of hangman and you didn't deliver!

**Ethan: **Technically I _did_, you just weren't alive to enjoy it.

**Charlie: **WHERE EXACTLY WAS THE FUN IN HANGING ME? I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD LITERALLY HANG _ME_ AND NOW THANKS TO YOU I HAVE NIGHTMARES EVERY NIGHT!

**Ethan: **Yeah but consider us even because for thirty long, painful seconds I had to listen to you sing _you all everybody_, _wonderwall_ and _she's so lovely! _Do you not have a better repertoire than that?

_*Charlie sulks in his chair, pulling a Jack like pose in the sense he looks like he's about to cry*_

**Claire: **Ok, _Ethan_, what about trying to cut my baby out of me? Do you consider that as being something a _good_ person would do?

**Aaron: **Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle! Ba, ba, ba!

**Sawyer: **In English?

**Claire: **Um, I'm not _quite_ sure but I think he's telling Ethan to jump up his own ass and die. I think my son's been hanging around Charlie for too long and now has picked up his own, filthy language!

**Sawyer: **_*looks uncomfortable__*** **_Erm, yeah. It's _Charlie_ Aaron's been picking that stuff off from. Bad Charlie! How dare you do that to that poor infant?

**Charlie: **You can stop the act, Sawyer. You're about as good at lying as…well, someone who is crap at lying!

**Sawyer: **NOOOOOO! LYING IS MY JOB!

_*runs out of the room looking horrified that he's become crap at lying*_

**Carletta: **Ok, so three minutes into this sad excuse of a session, all we've discovered is that the "Others" have some sort of fetish for hanging people and that Sawyer is crap at doing what he does best. God, you all suck.

**Jack: **Maybe I should take over then, seeing how you recklessly insult us all the time. You're as bad as Sawyer!

**Carletta: **_*in a demonic voice*_ The day I let you do that will be the day I will have sold my soul.

**Sayid: **STEALAGE! That was _my_ line! Horny bitch.

_*Carletta whips round and glares murderously at Sayid, resulting in him retrieving puppets from his pocket*_

**Sayid: **_*plays with puppets* _No… _you're_ a horny bitch. No, _you're_ a horny bitch…

**Ethan: **Why was _I_ sent to the stupid plane wreckage anyway?

**Charlie: **And here he goes again…

**Ben: **Are you _questioning_ my orders, Ethan Elizabeth Elbert?

**Charlie: **YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS ELIZABETH? HA!

**Ethan: **And _that's_ why I no longer speak to my mother.

**Jack: **And I thought _my_ parents were bad!

**Ben: **I sent _you_ Ethan because I thought you were the best man for the job! But if you're going to get shot down by a junkie then I might have to reconsider having you as my right hand man!

**Ethan: **_*glares*_ you're gay. Me and Goodwin have set up a Facebook page. It's called Benjamin Linus Is Gay.

**Goodwin: **That was a great idea! In the space of a day we've got a million fans!

**Ethan: **I've added those photos by the way – you know of that Christmas party…

**Jack: **WHAT? A Christmas party without me? How? When? _Why?_

**Charlie: **_*rolls eyes*_ It was just for the dead, Jack, so we didn't think it was necessary to merit you with an invitation.

**Kate: **How do you _know_ we aren't dead? That bomb could've killed us all! STUPID JACK!

**Jack: **I'm _right_ here!

_*Sayid suddenly whips out a drill and starts to randomly drill the back of Jack's chair*_

**Sayid: **Oh, sorry. Did I get you?

**Jack: **_*starts to breathe heavily*_ It's a _saw_! You **get** me, you **kill** me! Where'd that thing come from anyway?

**Sayid: **I got it in a party bag at the Christmas party!

**Kate: **But…you're not dead, Sayid. You were shot, yes, but not killed.

**Roger: **I shot him! Ha, ha, ha! Are you proud of me now, Benjamin? I killed the man who shot you as a child!

**Ben: **What the f*ck is going on here? Why do I not remember that?

**Ethan: **No one's listening to me… _again! _

**Carletta: **Now you see what I have to put up with! GUYS! Can it please! I think Ethan wants to say something.

**Claire: **Why should we listen? I'd rather listen to Sawyer's Ipod, which is filled with crap, than listen to someone who tried to kill my Charliekins.

**Charlie: **AWW! Wuv you too my Claire bear!

_*Sawyer rushes back in and starts laughing at the pair of them*_

**Sawyer**: I'm sorry but it was worth coming back at **that** moment just so I can mock you mercilessly for the next thirty seconds. HA! Charliekins? Claire bear? Give me a break! _*pauses*_ what's wrong with my music?

_*Claire reaches over and grabs Sawyer's Ipod, as if to answer his question*_

**Claire: **Let's look at this, shall we? ABBA, ABBA, ABBA and guess what? More ABBA! You're an ABBA nut!

_*Everyone in the group, including Carletta herself, starts to snicker at Sawyer*_

**Sawyer: **_*stands up*_ Laugh at me, will you? Fine, judge all you want but cried in the jungle, got knocked out by a crazy Korean woman, fell off a cliff, got high in the jungle, _live in a box! _

_*Sawyer finishes his speech by storming out in true Sawyer style*_

**Locke: **I can guess what the rest was about but who or what was he referring to when he said 'live in a box'?

**Ben**: It's the metaphorical box, Locke, that somehow only got mentioned once and then no one else brought it up again.

**Locke: **Oh. That makes no sense. The metaphorical box kicked ass!

**Ethan: **No, no, _no!_ _I_ kicked ass! Me, the fierce, angry man with cool scars on his face!

**Charlie: **Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just a sad, strange, little man aren't you? Who is surprisingly strong I must add.

**Carletta: **You know what, I think I'm just going to give up and let you guys dominate the sessions. Not that you don't do that anyway but it's like wrestling the smoke monster – it can't be done!

**Ethan: **Anybody have any theories on who or what the smoke monster is?

**Carletta: **Wait a minute – you can't start a new issue _now_. God _damn_ it! Ethan, I think we all want to know your history.

**Charlie: **But I _hated_ history! Can't we just make fun of each other like we always do?

**Ethan: **Unlike Ben I was actually _born_ on this island…

**Jack: **_*looks at Ben in horror*_ You _lied?_ You lied to _me_, of all people?

**Ben: **My dear, sweet Jack – you're so naïve. When are you going to stop believing a word I say?

**Jack**: Starting from now!

**Ben: **Nice shirt.

**Jack: **Aw, thanks! _*starts to realise Ben was lying. Big surprise*_ Oh.

**Carletta: **God, how clueless can you get?

_*Suddenly everyone hears a loud chorus of Lay All Your Love on Me and Sawyer comes dancing into the room*_

**Sawyer: **Judge all you want but –

**Juliet: **_*shakes Sawyer*_ this is madness, this is _madness_, for the love of _God_ James don't _do_ it!

**Sawyer: **What are you talking about, Blondie?

**Juliet: **_*pauses* _I'm not sure…

**Ethan: **Ugh, no one's interested are they? Goodwin, you wanna go behind a tree and create an interesting new ship?

**Goodwin: **What? Gethan? Ethwin?

**Ethan: **Actually I was thinking Goodthan. Sounds biblical somehow.

**Carletta: **I think the last thing we, or the entire population, need is another ship! We've got too many already.

**Ethan: **Since I'm being ignored, I shall ignore what you just said and create a man child with Goodwin.

**Hurley: **Dude…that is disturbing on _so_ many levels.

**Harper: **You can't cheat on me Goodwin…again! I'm heartbroken, I'm devastated…meh, I'll just hook up with Richard or something.

**Richard: **_*looks shocked* _Leave me out of this! Seriously, am I like everyone's last resort or something? It's always "I can't figure this out, let's find Richard" or "Find Richard, he'll know what to do". I quit.

**Carletta: **What?

**Jack: **What?

**Locke: **_What?! _

**Richard: **I quit lost. Jacob will just have to - _*his phone rings* _Oh, speak of the devil.

**Locke: **Jacob is _not_ the devil, how dare you insinuate that?

**Richard: **Turns out I'm important for the season six finale. I can't quit until then. _*deflates*_ Damn it.

**Jack: **_*hugs Richard* _You love us really!

**Charlie: **Let's have a group hug! To express our emotions and stuff…

**Sawyer: **_*glares at Charlie*_ Stop being a kiss ass!

**Carletta: **Wait…you _want_ to hug everyone? Am I finally making progress! OH YEAH! COME ON BABY! _*accidentally grabs Jin and kisses him*_

**Ben**: Uh-oh, that's not going to go down at well.

**Jin: **What…is…happening?

**Sun: **_*breathes heavily*_ Oar, meet Carletta's face. Carletta, meet my oar.

**Ben: **_*winces*_ I remember getting hit with that pretty damn hard. RUN CARLETTA FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RUN!!!!

**Carletta: **I would…but it's so damn hard to run through sand.

**Charlie: **THANK YOU! _*sticks tongue out at Jack*_

**Jack: **Oh _that's_ mature!

**Sun: **Better run, Carletta! I have an excellent aim.

**Carletta: **_*whimpers*_ I think it's better if I vacate to another story for a while...see you later!

**Ben: **YES! I have supreme dominance over you all…hey! Where are you all going? Where am I? MUMMMMMMMMY!

**A/N: I'm having so much fun writing this!! Yay! Love all my reviewers and if you see Carletta in another story…give her some love. Bless her, she needs it! **

Next Session : In Which Smokey Smokes On In


	12. Session 12: In Which Smokey Smokes On In

**Session 12: In Which Smokey Smokes On In **

_Carletta, after a mad dash into someone else's story, quickly dashes back into Jacob's cabin and sees everyone staring disapprovingly at her. She blushes and sits in her designated chair._

**Ben: **What time do you call this? Eh? _Sixteen minutes_ we've waited for you! _Sixteen!_

**Hurley: **Which thankfully is **not **one of the numbers.

**Ben: **_Shut up_, Hurley! You're too _big_. You won't fit in the meeting we're currently having. You barely fit in the chair we allocated to you!

**Hurley: **_*sniffs*_ I can't say that didn't hurt, Ben, but I'll forgive you on one condition.

**Ben: **Please don't make me watch Madagascar again! Once was enough!

**Carletta: **I'm so sorry I'm late guys. I had to appear in someone else's story. Let me tell you, it made a hell of a lot more sense than our therapy sessions! It was called After the Boom and it was –

**Harper: **I've just had a thought –

**Goodwin: **Look after it, honey bunch, it's on strange ground…

**Harper: **_*ignoring Goodwin*_ I'm a _trained_ therapist, how come I'm not leading these sessions?

**Juliet: **Because you're creepy, intense and you _hate_ me!

**Harper: **To quote dear Benjamin… _so?_

**Ben: **_*reminisces*_ Ah the best line of season four. I think everyone must've hated my guts at that moment.

**Jack: **Can I just interrupt and say we all hated your guts before then?

**Ben: **Yah but no one cares about your opinion do they? You always need to fix this and fix that and fix your mother and fix your father! YOU DRIVE ME INSANE!

**Smokey: **Puff, puff, hey!

**Charlie: **Argh! It's the smoke monster!

**Ethan: **Well, that makes a change from hearing _argh it's Ethan!_ all the time!

**Carletta: **What a disappointing entrance! No weird train track type of noises? No devouring of every idiot inside this room? _*looks pointedly at Nikki and Shannon*_

**Shannon: **Having said absolutely nothing for the last few sessions, I would like to point out that the smoke monster is still Lost's biggest mystery and I would like to know… WHAT THE FRIGGIN' HELL IS IT?!

**Ben: **_*chuckles nastily*_ My dear sweet Shannon, how naïve you are! I thought we'd established that Lost's biggest mystery was whether or not Richard wore eyeliner?

**Richard: **Leave me out of it! We've already had this conversation. Now please allow me to continue reapplying my mascara in peace…

**Charlie: **I _knew_ it!

**Mikhail: **Hello, Charlie. Remember me?

**Charlie: **Oh my God! It's the guy who killed me! That weird dude with the eye patch! _*shudders*_ You should've gone to Specsavers mate, rather than resort to playing pirates by yourself.

**Mikhail: **Dude, this isn't good for my rage.

**Sawyer: **_*eyes him warily*_ Which, if I may say, is _out of control! _

**Hurley:** Why does everyone keep taking my word? I should invent another one and fast!

**Sawyer: **You do that, pork chops. The rest of us will concentrate on a more important issue… _*turns to Richard*_ What brand of mascara is that?

**Kate: **I have a theory on Smokey here! Anyone wanna hear it?

**Carletta: **YES! Thank you, Kate! So far, you're the only one who's even remotely paying attention to what issue we're examining today!

**Kate: **I think Smokey is a smoke monster…

**Sawyer: **_Very good_, Kate!

_*Kate glares at Sawyer and whacks him hard on the arm causing him to leap out of his seat in pain*_

**Kate: **I wasn't finished, jerk! As I was saying, I think Smokey is a smoke monster who contains the imprinted souls of the ones who lived on the island before us. The whispers are their voices, which try to give us messages from beyond the grave.

**Charlie: **That's utter rubbish! I reckon it's death but in a more unusual form than the usual grim reaper nonsense.

**Charlotte: **THIS PLACE IS DEATH!

**Charlie: **_*flabbergasted*_ Er, thanks for the input there Charlotte. So, does my theory kick ass or what?

**Claire: **You imagined up peanut butter and that's the _best_ you could come up with as a theory? I might just hook up with Miles for that!

**Miles: **Excuse me? _Now_ you wanna hook up? When I flirted with you in the jungle in season four, you just gave me the cold shoulder! What was that about?

**Claire: **Miles, you clearly lack sensitivity! I was still in mourning for the man I loved! You could've waited _at least_ a couple of more episodes!

**Miles: **Well, I thought, seeing how you only had one episode where you properly grieved, you were over him by now.

**Claire: **_*snorts*_ You should know by now that what you see on Lost is not necessarily what you get!

**Ben: **Very astute summary of Lost, Claire!

**Rousseau: **I liked Hurley's theory about the smoke monster. He called it a pissed off giraffe _*uncharacteristically giggles*_ I love it!

**Alex: **_Mom!_ Don't be so embarrassing! I think she's been at the Virgin Mary statues again.

**Hurley: **It could well be a Smokey version of a pissed off giraffe. I've had my intelligent moments…

**Sawyer: **Yeah and we've yet to see them.

_*Hurley glares at Sawyer and then charges at him. Both of them exit the cabin scuffling and yelling rowdily like a couple of schoolboys*_

**Kate: **_Men!_

**Carletta: **Smokey, care to explain who or what you are?

**Smokey: **I would…but the science is a little complicated.

**Daniel: **Ooh, ooh! I'm a physicist! I can handle complicated science!

**Smokey: **Shush you! You have too many issues. Your own mother _shot_ you for God's sake!

**Eloise: **_*sobs*_ My poor baby!

**Charlotte: **Dan! Your own mother killed you? Oh no! You can't die! _*sobs into hands*_ I never got to tell you I love you too.

**Carletta: **If anyone ruins this touchingly sentimental moment, I'll batter you using Locke's old wheelchair!

**Daniel: **You…you do? See mother! I am capable of loving another woman!

**Eloise: **Be careful son or I'll lecture you on course correction like I did with Desmond and look what happened to _him_. With Charlie dead, he's resorted to yelling at random bunnies that they're going to die and he has to save them!

**Ben: **I like bunnies…

**Juliet: **I think you're a bunnyholic, Ben. Remember the Christmas I gave you a bunny? You started breeding them and when I next came round, there were _hundreds_ of them.

**Ben:** What's so disturbing about that?

**Juliet:** Most people like to take care of _one_ bunny, Ben, not _hundreds_.

**Jin: **SMOKE MONSTER! SMOKE MONSTER!

**Sun:** He's a little slow on these sorts of things. It took me about half of last season to convince him we weren't supposed to be on the island together because of the whole time travel…thing.

**Ana: **_*pouts*_ I would've LOVED to have been part of that storyline. Mean old Michael had to shoot me though. The most exciting storyline_ I_ got was trekking through the jungle with Sayid, the guy who _never_ smiles, and Charlie, the guy who is _so_ annoying! I didn't even get to see Smokey.

**Michael: **I did the world a favour! Do you realise how unpopular you were? Kicking everyone's asses and giving them the whole 'I say jump, you jump' speech was _never_ going to make you friends.

**Ana: **_*glares at Michael*_ Oh and shooting two _women_ is the better way to go about making friends? At least I didn't have the same line for an entire season. God your script must've been what, two pages long?

**Libby: **Whoa, you guys have _issues!_

**Carletta: **Um, Libby? I hate to break it to you but everyone here has issues, which is kind of why we're here.

**Libby: **Oh….that's right.

**Sayid: **I'm sorry but I'm one of the _main_ guys and I've had squat to do for ages! Can I just…what is it Shannon?

**Shannon: **There's a spider in the corner of that ceiling. I want you to torture it for me.

**Sayid: **I've given up on torturing! I've told you this already – oh, what the hell? I might as well be nice and oblige.

**Boone: **_*under his breath*_ Pervert.

**Jacob: **MUHAHAHA!

**Richard: **_Jacob?!_

**Ben: **Oh look, it's the man who effectively ruined my life. Hurray.

**Jacob: **I've come to see how you lot are doing and whether any of you have cracked the secrets about ol' Smokey here. Carletta… stop thrusting your phone number in my face. I told you, it's not going to happen.

**Charlie: **See, I never got this far in the plot because I was… _*sobs*_ DEAD!

**Claire: **Poor, poor Charlie.

**Miles: **I have a theory. I think this whole show is just somebody's dream! It would explain all the crazy stuff that's been going on.

_*Everyone stares at him in bemusement, disbelief and even disappointment*_

**Kate: **I swear to God if that's the ending of the show I'm rewriting the whole thing. I'd _hate_ it if we ended up being part of someone's overactive imagination.

**Jack: **Me too. I couldn't bear it if we never met, Kate…

**Kate: **Stop being a kiss ass, Jackass. You flung a _hydrogen bomb_ down a deep shaft in order to erase our time together. I think you've just effectively ended any chance of us getting back together again.

**Jack: **_*lip begins to wobble*_ But…but…but….

_*Sawyer walks into the room, covered in bruises and Dharma mayonnaise followed by a triumphant Hurley*_

**Sawyer: **Is he doing the lip thing again? _God_, it's every season with this guy!

**Jacob: **I actually have the list of who ends up with who here. Is anybody interested in -? OI! Sayid, didn't your mother teach you not to snatch?

**Sayid: **HA! I hold the power now! I will not be _ignored!_

_*He reads the list carefully, frowning and then occasionally snorting with mirth at something on the list_*

**Sayid: **Some of these may be _wishful thinking_, Jacob. Some of these aren't even _canon pairings_. Some of these people aren't even _alive_.

**Jacob: **Well I rule the island so everything I say goes.

**Sawyer: **Come on man! Read the damn list!

**Sayid: **_*clears throat*_ Ok, but some of you aren't gonna like this. Ethan and Goodwin end up together…

**Harper, Goodwin: **_What?!_

**Ethan: **Yes! _*sees Goodwin's expression*_ or no…

**Sayid: **Sawyer and Juliet end up together – which is unsurprising, considering the fact everyone seems to support them now. Sun and Jin – well they're married so you kind of _have_ to ship them together. Wait a minute… Kate and _Charlie?_ What the hell? You're just making these up, surely?

**Claire: **WHAT? Oh Charlie! I will never get over this betrayal, this stab to my heart, this unbearable _agony_ – oh, well can't be helped. Miles…wanna go for a quick make out session in the jungle?

**Miles: **I would but I think Naomi's making eyes at me. She's hot, I'm hot…it's how we do things here.

**Jack: **I am _not_ a happy bunny.

**Ben: **I like bunnies…

**Jack:** So you've said. So who do I end up with? It's not my ex-wife is it?

**Sayid: **Now _that_ is wishful thinking! No, it says here you end up with… _*drops the list in shock*_ Ok this is really taking the Michael here!

**Michael: **Oi!

**Sayid: **It says here that Jack supposedly ends up with _me_ but that is neither logical nor rational seeing how I'm not gay!

**Jacob: **_*grins wickedly*_ Maybe not yet, Sayid but I've seen the way you two look at each other.

**Sayid: **Superb. Why don't I end up with Nadia? Or Shannon?

**Jacob: **I can't give _every_ couple the conventional happy ending, Sayid. That would be boring. I like to mix and match and keep everyone on their toes.

**Sayid: **_*retrieves list*_ Naomi ends up with Frank – God knows why – Miles ends up with Claire, Rose with Bernard, Hurley and Libby, Ana and Michael –

**Ana: **You've _got_ to be kidding.

**Michael: **I've got to say it. I can't hold it in any longer. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

**Jacob: **Because I'm sick of you arguing with each other so from now on you have to love each other. That will be your punishment.

**Ana, Michael: **Like _that's_ ever gonna happen!

**Carletta: **What about me, monsieur Jacob? _*purrs*_

**Jacob: **Er, technically you're not part of lost so you don't have a partner. Sorry.

_*Carletta's eye begins to twitch ever so slightly, indicating she's about to explode. Her hands start to shake and Jin and Sun, sitting next to her, back away slowly_*

**Carletta: **NOT PART OF THE BLOODY SHOW, EH? I BEG TO DIFFER! WHO'S BEEN RUNNING THESE SESSIONS WITH THESE UTTER LOONS, EH? ME! WHO'S HAD TO LISTEN TO THE DRIVEL THEY COME OUT WITH? ME! WHO'S IN A STORY THAT'S LISTED UNDER THE CATEGORY OF LOST ON FANFICTION? ME!

**Sawyer: **Er, Jacob…I think you just drove our therapist insane. I think you pushed her a little _too_ far.

**Ben: **Meh, it was bound to happen sooner or later. If someone tries to make us become normal, odds are they're going to go insane too.

**Sawyer: **True, true.

**Goodwin: **I enjoy these sessions. Even though I don't say anything, like _ever_, I feel like we really bond as a family…

**Ethan: **Stop being such a _kiss ass_, Goodwin! As if I'd _ever_ bond with _him_. _*points to Charlie*_

**Kate: **Ok, I'm _fed_ _up_ of you two not liking each other. Whilst our therapist is busy ranting at the world, I'm going to take over this session.

_*Kate, like a woman on a mission, goes over to Ethan and drags him over to Charlie*_

**Kate: **Now, say sorry to Charlie for trying to kill him.

**Ethan: **Sorry I tried to kill you…and failed.

**Kate: **_Ethan!! _

**Ethan: **Jeesh, can't a guy joke around anymore? Sorry Charlie.

**Kate: **Now Charlie, say sorry to Ethan for shooting him. If we're going to end up together you better start behaving.

**Charlie: **Oh is that how this is going to work from now on? You're just going to boss me around?

**Kate: **Pretty much, yeah.

**Charlie: **Ok…dear. Sorry Ethan!

**Smokey**: Hee hee, I still remain a mystery. No one has figured it out yet! The inner mechanisations of my mind are an enigma.

_*Inside Smokey's mind we see a bottle of milk pouring over…that's all there is to see*_

**Carletta: **Ok, I'm calm…I'm calm.

**Hurley: **Dude, you are the opposite of calm. You're face is getting all red and everything.

**Carletta: **_*sigh*_ Why do I bother coming here? All we get through is the usual entourage of insults, references to other shows and relationship issues.

**Ben: **But it wouldn't be _Lost_ without those things! Take those away and what do you have? A bunch of boring characters who greet each other in very gay, Sesame street type of voices.

**Charlie: **_Hey!_ I liked Sesame Street!

**Ben: **Why am I not surprised?

**Claire: **I reckon next session we should have a big sing song!

**Everyone but Carletta: **YEAH!

**Carletta: **If you do that I swear to God that I will hunt you all down and kick your asses to another _show_!

**Sawyer: **You wouldn't do that to us, Carlie baby. You love us too much.

**Carletta: **_Carlie baby?_ What have you been sniffing?

**Charlie: **This was NOTHING to do with me, I swear!

**Carletta: **Ok, let's wrap this up guys! If we can end this peacefully with no fights, I promise you we'll open next week's session with a sing song.

**Sawyer: **Oh…

**Claire: **My…

**Everyone: **_God!_

**Carletta: **_*frowns*_ Ok, stop with the Janice impressions. Anybody fancy some coffee?

**Jack: **Where are you going to get coffee on a goddamn island?

**Carletta: **Oh, occasionally I nip to the set of _Friends_ and nick a cup of coffee or two. How else do you think I manage to sustain myself during these sessions? It sure as hell isn't down to pure patience!

**Sawyer: **You _stole_ coffee? From a show that's constantly been referenced throughout these sessions? I like your thinking.

**Carletta: **Yep. Ben's obsessed with bunnies, Jack's obsessed with fixing things, Sawyer's obsessed with lying, Locke's obsessed with the island and I'm obsessed with coffee! So who wants a cup?

_*Everyone raises their hands*_

**Carletta: **Ok, I guess that makes sense seeing how you've not seen coffee in a while but…SCREW YOU, I'M GOING FIRST! _*runs out of the room and cackles loudly as she leaves*_

**A/n: - the number of reviews people are leaving has been staggering! I can't believe how many people like this story! This chapter is dedicated to D.D. Casale because she's awesome. Check out her story After the Boom because it's friggin' funny and Carletta is in it! Yes, the same Carletta from this one makes a debut appearance in another story! Woo! :)**

**Love you all! x x **

**Next session: In Which Jack is **_**Not**_** Superman **


	13. Session 13: In Which Jack is not superma

**Session 13: In Which Jack Is **_**Not**_** Superman **

_Carletta walks in to Jacob's cabin to the sounds of merriment and laughter. She sees Jack and Sawyer __**linking arms**__ and Ben and Charlie are laughing and __**singing**__ together. Is she drunk? Has she gone high on caffeine? I wish I could use the 'it's Lost' excuse but unfortunately the show cannot control its characters behaviour. _

**Jack:** Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it…

**Sawyer:** _*in a high, soprano voice* _I just want you back for good!

**Charlie: **Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it.

**Ben: **_*in the tune of Back for Good*_BUT I FORGOT THE SODDING WORDS!

**Kate: **We should sing a song that _everyone_ knows, you guys. Ooh, ooh, I've got it! _*clears throat*_ So no one told you life was gonna be this way.

_*Nikki, Shannon and Claire clap their hands*_

**Roger: **My job's a joke…

**Sawyer: **I'm _broke_…

**Jack: **My love life's _D.O.A!_

**Carletta: **Stop all this unnecessary singing! You're all terrible at singing, it's pointless and you've picked songs that were cool in the 1990s, which the Dharma folk won't have heard of yet…right Dharmies?

**Horace: **_*sways to imaginary music*_ The little lady's right but I feel a groovy dance coming on.

**Roger: **I had no idea I was actually joining in with a _song_. That is _so_ going on my resume. See, Ben? Your daddy is cool after all.

**Ben: **No, just _no_.

**Jack: **You know what song we should all do? The _Superman_ song!

**Sawyer: **Are we talking about that song which _children_ dance to? The one that tells you to do all this ridiculous stuff and then makes you pretend to be superman?

**Jack: **_*rolls eyes*_ Yes, Sawyer. That's the song. I just think it goes really well with me because Superman saves lives and I save lives. See the connection?

**Ana: **Permission to kick his majestic ass into space?

**Kate: **Permission granted! He needs a good ass kicking. I don't know where this sudden arrogance has sprouted from. He was so sweet and so loving when he wasn't playing the hero.

**Carletta: **I spy an issue cropping up here.

**Charlie: **_*looks around frantically*_ Where?

**Carletta: **As much as this _depresses_ me, I think we need to iron out Jack's issues out once and for all. I don't think anyone was particularly happy with him by the end of season five.

**Jack: **Excuse me? My daddy issues are gone, I've saved everyone's lives by turning back the clocks and I'm in a _L'Oreal _advert! You know why? Because I'm _worth_ it!

**Locke: **Come on! You can't seriously let that slide? Everyone jumps down my throat whenever they catch me saying I'm special and now Jack…he's being so…ARGH! _*explodes and then reincarnates*_

_*Nobody even blinks at this sudden explosion. They've all somehow adapted to the sound and chaos that explosions bring. Can't imagine why…*_

**Ana: **Aren't you going to save him, Jack? You are Superman after all!

**Jack: **I think there's a hint of sarcasm in there…

**Ana: **_*eye twitches out of fury*_ If I was a savage, Jack, I would've cut your finger off by now. That's tomorrow…

**Carletta: **I'm pretty sure I've heard that somewhere before…

**Michael: **Try the season two script! God Ana can't you try coming up with your _own_ lines for a change?

**Ana: **_*both eyes twitch out of fury*_ Oh, _I_ repeat lines from season two? _I'm_ the repetitive one? _I_ annoy the hell out of everyone by regurgitating lines we've all heard before? You know what Michael? Bite me!

**Carletta: **_*tries to create peace*_ Look, I promise you we can give you both a session to iron out your problems. God knows we need some other characters to dominate a session for a change.

**Jack: **What are you saying? Is the A-team so cool and so popular that you just feel suffocated by our halo? Admit it – everywhere you're looking now…

**Kate: **She's surrounded by our embrace!

**Carletta: **Ok, A) how the hell do you know that song? It was 2004 when your plane crashed and that song is from _2009_. B) _Stop the singing now!_ And C) stop talking Jack, stop talking now!

**Ben: **OWNED!

**Carletta: **Let me, and indeed everyone who is watching/reading/listening to this, just ask…what on earth gave you the impression you're superman?

**Jack: **Hm, let's see…I saved Charlie's life, rescued John from Smokey, kissed Kate even though she had CHEWING GUM IN HER MOUTH, saved Desmond's life, saved Rose's life…actually I've saved almost everyone's life. I think that qualifies for some sort of gigantic reward, actually.

**Libby: **As a neglected character I'm just going to steal your thunder here Jack and say that you may have saved Rose, Charlie, Locke and Desmond's life but you didn't save me, Ana, Boone or Eko did ya? _*pokes Jack incessantly*_ You racist son of a bitch!

**Jack: ** _*winces*_ OW! I thought you were the nice one?

**Boone: **She is! She stuck up for _me_ of all people! I HAVE A FAN PEOPLE!

**Libby: **Yeah well as we established in the first session, death sucks!

**Carletta: **Oh God. The history books on the shelf are always repeating themselves.

**Charlie, Claire: **Waterloo! I was defeated you won the war!

**Carletta: **_*aside*_ I just had to set them off again didn't I?

**Sawyer: **Jack, I'm just gonna whiz back to the topic at hand and say that if you were Superman, which you _aren't_, you'd make a terrible one. You're a bad role model for children!

**Jack: **How so?

**Kate: **Well, in one of your _flashbacks_ you took candy from a stranger. I guess you kind of missed that lesson in preschool, huh?

**Jack: **Oh, you mean that strange, rugged, handsome man who looked so dashing –

**Kate: **Right, did you hear that everyone? Jack just as good as confessed he's gay. That explains _so_ much!

**Jack: **_*starts to cry*_ L-L-Like what?

**Kate: **Like your frequent crying sessions! No wonder you trudge out into the jungle so much, Jack! You're always looking for a private sob fest!

**Locke: **He's also a bad role model because his bedside manner sucks. When my leg was injured, I had to make do with his "best guess." What if it had been gangrenous? YOUR BEST GUESS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

**Carletta: **I know I should be unbiased and professional but…Locke you were a paraplegic, you got your leg trapped in a door and Ethan shot you…also in the leg. Face it…you don't treat your legs very well do you?

**Ben: **_*in his best advertising voice*_ Locke's legs were once very happy until their owner became repeatedly clumsy and fell out of windows, under doors and in front of guns. Remember kids….legs are for life and not just for Christmas.

**Locke: **Ha ha, very funny!

**Ben: **Wait, I've not done yet. This is for my stand up act. A wheelchair…a hundred pounds. Surgery for leg operation…twenty thousand pounds. The look on Locke's face when he realises Jack _is_ Superman…priceless. There are some things money can't buy…for everything else there's Island MasterCard.

_*Silence befalls the group and then someone starts roaring with laughter. Everyone looks around, bewildered, and then it turns out Dan of all people is the one laughing_*

**Charlotte: **I'm sorry…he's only just grasped what a joke is and now he's making up for lost time. Excuse the pun.

**Sawyer: **Well, well, sweetheart. I'm just glad you ain't running around saying "this place is death" like you've been doing the last few sessions.

**Charlotte: **Well, the show was kind of a bitch to me in the sense I was portrayed as a bitch at first and just as you all grew to love me and JUST when I found out Dan loved me, they killed me off!

**Charlie, Shannon, Libby: **Tell me about it!

**Carletta: **We've digressed…again. When am I going to stop being surprised that we never discuss the subject that's originally brought up?

**Jack: **Thank you Carletta. To get back to the topic in hand, yes I did accept candy from Jacob…who at the time was a stranger. But how else am I a bad role model?

**Boone: **I'm going to chip in here for the neglected team and say that you always want to play the hero! Look at you! You've hired a superman costume which is obviously in a child's size! I reckon you're secretly a paedophile.

**Charlie: **I KNEW IT!

**Carletta: **Oh for _God's_ sake, Charlie. Button that cute little lip of yours. Stop pretending you're Desmond and can see the future.

**Desmond: **Yeah, brother! I'm one of a kind mate!

**Charlie:**_*under his breath* _Yeah, that's true. At least I don't go round telling bunnies they're going to die.

**Jack: **I may have borrowed this from my _nephew…_

**Aaron: **Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle. (Translation: - I don't _know_ that guy! He is not my uncle at all!)

**Jack: **But I assure you what's underneath is all man!

**Carletta: **I'm sorry, _all_ man or _old_ man!

**Sawyer, Locke: **Go, sister!

**Jack: **I won't cry, I won't cry, I won't cry…

**Ben: **_*whispers*_ Boo…

**Jack: **_*wails*_ WAAAAAAAHHHHH! _*runs out of the room*_

**Carletta:** Great. The main guy of the session has run out crying…again. Well, I hope you all are happy.

**Locke: **We are but that's beside the point. This time it's _your_ fault, O Wise One.

**Carletta: **_*pauses then giggles*_ Oh yes, it was. I think this calls for a song! I got to make Jack cry! It's a life ambition of mine along with sneaking a quick snog with Sayid, setting up my own island hotel, flirting aimlessly with every single guy on the island and swimming with dolphins.

**Sayid: **What was that first one again?

**Shannon: **_*trembles with anger*_ Yes, _what_ was that first one again?

**Juliet: **Oh pipe down you two! You're not exactly the camp's moral police are you? Slept with your step brother, tortured your girlfriend, _live in a box!_

**Sawyer: **_*nervously*_ Um, sweetheart? We've kind of heard that whole "moral police" speech before. And the whole 'live in a box' thing is kind of getting old too.

**Juliet: **You know what Sawyer? _You're_ getting old!

**Sawyer: **Er…what?

**Juliet: ** Never mind! _*sulks*_

**Sawyer: **This isn't over the fact that I looked at Freckles over here instead of you is it?

**Juliet: **You know at this point I would pull a Kate and get mad at you and then eventually sleep with you _*winks*_ but I don't think I'll lower myself to her standards.

**Kate: **What? Angry sex is the _best_. Except when it's with Jack and he screams out 'superman' at the end. That was just weird.

**Carletta: **Thank you, Juliet, for sticking up for me but I really, _really_ don't want to talk about this kind of stuff! Save it for the sex addict clinics you clearly attend.

_*Jack returns covered in big sting marks yet still wearing a smile*_

**Jack: **I'm back people!

**Charlie: **ARGH! It's….Jack? What happened to you mate?

**Jack: **Well, it's a funny story…

**Sawyer: **Funny _ha ha _or funny _bleugh o-oh? *mimics someone shooting their brains out*_

**Jack: **_*ignoring Sawyer*_ I went back to the barracks to my house in order to retrieve a tissue from the multi-pack that Kate got me for my birthday. I don't know why she thinks I need them. Someone had flung a bee's nest into my house and they suddenly surrounded me and attacked me! But, don't worry, I fixed myself.

**Sawyer: **_*in a mocking tone of voice*_ Really? Your face seems to say different.

**Jack: **It was a _lot_ worse than this, Sawyer! But the point is I'm all better now.

**Carletta: **Were you born an idiot or did it develop as you grew up? Anyway, I wanted to ask: without getting into too much detail, where did your obsession for fixing people stem from?

**Charlie: **I'm getting a sense of deja-vu here, people…

**Jack: **Well, it all stems from my daddy issues…

**Charlie: **And there it is…

**Richard: **Jack said something rather interesting about you in season five, Locke. It's kind of ironic considering you two have a love-hate relationship.

**Jack: **Don't tell him Richard! I'll never hear the end of it!

**Locke: **Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!

**Ana: **What the _fluff?!_

**Richard: **_*ignoring Ana*_ We were examining a hydrogen bomb – you know, like we all do at some point during the day – and your name came up. Jack said that if he were me, he wouldn't give up on you.

_*Locke absorbs this in silence. Everyone waits, waiting for the explosion of self-righteousness that is going to come at any second…*_

**Locke:** YIPPPPPPPPEEEEEEE! I was _right_! Scoreboard guy…what's the score?

**Scoreboard guy: **Um, I think it's 1-0 to you, sir.

**Locke: **To quote Charlie… I _knew_ it!

**Claire: **Jack ain't heavy…he's my brother man!

_*Silence befalls the stunned group* _

**Claire: **I can't pull that off can I?

**Charlie: **Not really sweetheart.

**Sawyer: **You just stick to sending off SOS messages, Mamacita.

**Claire: **_*pouting*_ Charlie! He's mocking me…again! Beat him up, feed him heroin, do _something! _

**Jack: **I can fix this for I'm…Wonder Woman!

**Carletta: **_*splutters with laughter*_ What?

**Jack: **Well you all mocked me for being superman so I thought I'd change it.

**Kate: **And you thought _Wonder Woman _would get you less insults? Dumb ass.

**Jack: **Hey! That hurt!

**Kate: **Well you're supposedly Wonder Woman…fix your bruised ego and then get back to doing what you do best.

**Jack: **_*looks at Christian*_ Daddy! You're not supposed to sit there and steal other people's drinks! Stick up for me, for God's sake!

**Christian: **I'm sorry Jack; I'm far too pissed to understand you.

**Jack: **What _else_ is new?

**Christian: **Where's Sarah? She'll help you.

**Jack: **How dare you mention my ex-wife, daddy? You know the memories of her and I still _hurt_.

**Christian: **Not _your_ Sarah, er…whatshisface? _That_ Sarah. _*points to Ana*_

**Ana: **Oh it's not Sarah anymore, it's Ana.

**Jack: **Do I even want to know how you two know each other?

**Ana: **Not really. It's just one of those Lost connections, which only get mentioned once and then are soon forgotten.

**Charlie: **Yeah like the fact that I saved Nadia – Sayid's missus - from getting mugged.

**Sayid: **You did? Wow. That's a piece of trivia I never got to learn about.

**Charlie: **Well the stupid writers killed me off before I got the chance. DEATH SUCKS!

**Carletta: **Er, yes. We've established that already, Charlie.

**Christian: **As well as chatting with Sawyer here, I also hit him with a car door.

**Sawyer: **That's not something to brag about, you git! You could've damaged my gorgeous chest! I'm a babe magnet and you all know it!

**Kate: **Isn't that being a little arrogant, James?

**Sawyer: **Since when did you call me James, Kate?

**Kate: **Since when did you call me Kate?

**Sawyer: **Touché.

**Carletta: **I _hate_ to interrupt – again – but somehow I don't think Sawyer's appearance is up for debate here.

**Sawyer: **Well it _should_ be! I think we'd all learn something interesting, like the fact that I'm the fittest guy in the room!

**Carletta: **I have to put my foot down somewhere and I refuse to have a session dedicated to who's fitter on the show! You're all attractive – to a degree. There you go; I've started and put an end to this stupid argument.

**Juliet: **Wow. Money _and_ a firm hand…finally, a Carletta I can get on board with.

**Carletta: **I've not mentioned my money as of yet – how do you know I even _have_ money?

_*An awkward silence befalls the group*_

**Boone: **Charlie has your wallet! There – I said it!

**Charlie: **_*in a sour tone of voice*_ So much for being BFFs, Boone! Yes I do have your wallet and it may be interesting for the rest of these yahoos to learn that you have a passport sized picture of _Sawyer_ in your purse. Not Jack, not me, not Boone but _Sawyer_.

**Carletta: **I can explain that!

**Sawyer: **_*leers at Carletta*_ No need sweetheart. I think the reason you've put an end to this discussion about my good looks is that you go weak at the knees for me. Don't be ashamed; it's only natural to feel that way when you see me.

**Jack: **Well, it's not the first time that a counsellor has fallen under Sawyer's spell and undoubtedly she won't be the last. So much for having an entire session dedicated to me.

**Carletta: **Well, Jack, let me give you a piece of advice: drop the arrogance, treat Kate like a woman not as a fugitive and stop with the heavy breathing making it seem like you're doing something when you're not!

**Jack: **But…but…but…

**Carletta: **No _ifs_, _buts_ or _whys_, Jack. I'm putting my foot down again and this time I'm going to end this session on a civilised manner.

**Charlie: **That's what _you_ think!

**Carletta: **_*surprised*_ Huh?

**Boone: **My BFF is right. We've had enough with you idolising Sawyer and we're going to make you _love_ us! The only reason the producers killed me off because they knew I was attracting every babe from a ten mile radius!

**Carletta: **_*weakly*_ What are you going to do to me? You can't kill me because I'm all you've got!

**Sayid: **This is where _I_ step in. _*grins*_

**Carletta: **!!!!!!!!!!!!

_*Carletta runs out of the room followed by Sayid, Boone, Charlie…basically all the guys on the show who weren't in Carletta's purse_*

**A/n: - This was quite a fun chapter to write! I'm definitely not Jack's biggest fan at the moment so this was a chance to address some of his issues! You're all so lovely for leaving me reviews of every chapter! I can't believe how popular this story is so thank you! **

_Next session: In which it's Ana, Michael and a Gun._


	14. Session 14: In Which It's Ana vs Michael

**Session 14: In Which it's Ana, Michael and a Gun **

_Unsurprisingly, Carletta is sitting in her chair looking like she has a migraine. Michael and Ana are wrestling with a gun which seems to have magically appeared out of nowhere_

**Ana: **Oh no, no, _no_ man! If I give you this gun, you're gonna pop my gut full of lead.

**Michael: **_*after a moment's pause*_ Who talks like that?

**Ana:** A gal who's about to kick your _ass_ talks like that! See? I represent the tough women of the world. How could anyone not love me?

**Michael: **Excuse me; I think my popularity rose as soon as I shot you dead! What does that tell you?

**Ana: **I think you'll find it went _down_ because even the people who hated me found it a shocking twist to the story.

**Carletta: **Look how about you guys give _me_ the gun and just stop acting like children. I think Walt behaves better than you and _he's_ the one who regularly throws knives at trees, runs off with bald men (not in _that_ way!) and disappears for seasons at a time only to become taller whenever we next encounter him!

**Walt: **And where do you think I learned that behaviour from? At least I didn't kill two women in cold blood, betray my so-called friends and run off after someone without _asking_ if they even _wanted_ to be rescued!

**Ana: **I like this kid.

**Charlie: **Why can't Michael and Ana settle their differences in a more civilised manner?

**Ana: **Define civilised.

**Charlie: **What about a poker game?

**Jack: **This isn't a reference to your other show is it _Charles? _It's not from Flashforward by any chance is it?! Look _some _of us stay loyal to the show even when we've been _killed off_. Look at Boone over there.

_*We zoom to Boone who has all the Lost magazines and is sobbing at a Lost episode at the bit where Juliet falls down the shaft*_

**Boone: **But they _loved_ each other! _*sobs* _Oh this cruel show!

**Charlie: **I love the show! And how do you know that's from _Flashforward_, anyway? Only an avid fan would know that.

**Jack: **I may have watched it a couple of times…

**Kate: **_*gasps*_ Jack, you naughty man! You've just told Charlie for being unfaithful and look at you! You hippocrate!

**Carletta: **I think the word you're looking for is _hypocrite_, Kate.

**Kate: **Sorry I was distracted by Sawyer's godlike beauty.

**Sawyer: **_*smirks*_ See, Oprah? You can't have a session without my extraordinary appearance popping up. Go ahead and stare all you want, babe.

**Jack: **_Kate!_

**Juliet: **_Sawyer!_

**Michael: **WALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLT!

**Carletta: **Well we kind of had that coming. I mean it was a _miracle_ we had a few WAAAALLLLLLTT free sessions so none of us can really complain…

**Ana: **_I_ can! I can't believe the whole focus of season two was on a _kid_. I mean what else was interesting about it apart from me and my group re-emerging out of nowhere?

**Locke: **Don't be so negative, Ana! We learned lots of interesting things.

**Ana: **Like…?

**Locke:** Like the fact that Charlie's a big fat druggie!

**Charlie: **_*glares*_ Listen you old _git_; I'm clean! Besides I don't think anyone particular liked seeing me punched by someone who clearly needs a wheelchair at the best of times!

**Locke:** _*eye twitches*_ How _dare_ you? I helped you get off the stuff remember?

**Claire:** Whoa, whoa, _whoa!_ You mean you knew Charlie had been a drug addict before I did? And you didn't think to _tell_ me, John?

**Frogurt: **Oh my _God!_ You people are _nuts!_

**Rose: **Neil, calm down…

**Frogurt: **Calm down? _Calm down!?_ Look at you all! These sessions are pointless! You never get to the point, you neglect the people who might just have bigger problems than everyone else, people have random conversations that have nothing to do with the session and we are still _lost!_ Doesn't that bother anyone? Aren't you a little _concerned_ that five seasons on we're still on that island? Gah, you all make me _sick!_

**Thirty seconds later…**

**Charlie: **That kid is messed up. Seriously. I don't understand why he's such a pain!

**Ben: **As a matter of interest, what did you do to him? One minute he's here and the next minute he's…not so much here.

**Sawyer: **We've locked him in a room with Sayid. Do I need to say more?

**Ben: **_*shudders*_ No. I'd hate to be shut in a room with either of them to be honest.

**Carletta: **Ok, enough chit chat…MICHAEL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

**Michael: **_*blushes*_ Can you blame a guy for trying?

**Ana: **What was he doing? _*reaches behind her back and retrieves a sticker which says KILL ME on it*_ Oh I am going to kick your ass Dawson!

_*She starts to chase him out of the cabin, through the jungle, across the beach, across the ocean, through the set of Friends, through the set of Flashforward, through several people's houses, back across the water, back across the beach, back through the jungle and back into the cabin*_

**Carletta: **_*stunned_* That may just have been the coolest chase scene ever even though it accomplished absolutely nothing.

**Michael: **If I said I was sorry for murdering you, would you stop this silliness?

**Ana: **_*snarls*_ _Silliness?!_ I think I have every right to be pissy with you, Mike seeing how you killed me in cold blood!

**Michael: **I killed Libby too and she's not pissed off with me.

**Ana: **Maybe not but you drove her boyfriend into a nuthouse! I think she's more upset about the fact that Jack misinterpreted her dying words.

**Jack: **_*looks sulky*_ Oh sure, blame the doctor. I thought she was asking after Michael, not identifying him as her murderer! I'm not a mind reader you know!

**Sun: **No but Edward Cullen is! _*giggles and swoons*_

**Carletta: **I wondered when a twilight reference would sneak its way in here. I just didn't expect a married woman to bring it up!

**Jin: **_*looking confused*_ Who is Edward Cullen?

**Sun: **This gorgeous guy! I love him, I love him, I love him… _*sees Jin glaring at her*_ I'm sorry honey but when you can read minds, live forever and sparkle in the sunlight then we'll talk.

**Jin: **_*after long pause*_Could you say whole speech again in Korean?

**Sawyer:** _*snorts*_ Even in English that didn't make a whole lot of sense.

**Carletta: **_*sighs*_ Look can we get off the topic of _Twilight_ please? It's bad enough we regurgitate lines from _Friends!_

**Sun: **Never!

**Carletta: **I'm sorry, Sun. _*looks pointedly at Mr Eko*_

**E****ko: **Is this all I'm good for? Carrying people off kicking and screaming?

_*Mr Eko sighs and then lifts Sun over his shoulders and carries her out of the room kicking and screaming and then returns. Sun sneaks back in afterwards*_

**Sawyer: **No, Mohammed Ali, you have an excellent stick which knocked me unconscious!

**Eko: **Don't complain or I shall be forced to repeat my actions.

**Libby: **_*giggles*_ Is anyone else entranced by his voice?

**Ana: **Great. The only reasonably sane person here has gone _in_sane! This is your fault, Michael!

**Michael: **_*starts to blubber*_ I'm sorry, I'm _sorry!_ I wasn't in the right state of mind! I spent every night regretting what I've done.

**Ana: **_*sarcastically*_Oh he's _sorry!_ Well, I feel better.

**Libby: **La, la, la, la, la, la, la...

**Hurley: **_*glares at Michael*_ Dude, you made my girlfriend crazy!

**Michael: **Well, yes but now you two are _both_ crazy! I just bumped up your compatibility percentage; you should be kissing my feet!

**Carletta:** We don't need another ass like Jack thank you very much.

**Jack: **Oh come _on!_ That was like one time! It only lasted a few minutes!

**Kate: **It probably didn't feel like to the person who actually had to _kiss_ your feet. Poor Frank has never been the same again.

**Frank: **_*under his breath*_ We're not going to Guava, are we? Of course not. We weren't supposed to go Guava.

**Jack: **Locke! You've not been telling Frank about all your destiny crap have you?

**Locke:** _*tries and fails to look innocent*_ What are you talking about, Jack?

**Ana: **Oh for _God's_ sake? Why are men such babies? What is with the crying on this show? I, a _woman_, only cried once! I think Jack must've cried about fifty times!

**Kate: **_THANK you!_ I've been saying that for years.

**Ana: **_*actually __**smiles**__ at Kate*_ Why have we not hung out more? We're both self-empowered, strong women who know how to handle a gun.

**Kate:** Evidently the writers thought we would clash. Or that the already ridiculous quadrangle would expand into some kind of pentagon if you became influenced by me!

**Carletta: **Now _that_ would be ridiculous.

**Michael: **_*rolls his eyes*_ Why hasn't anyone shipped _me_ with anyone? Come to think of it, who started that ridiculous rumour that I loved Sun?

**Sun: **I'm starting to uncover some repressed memories. _*sobs into hands*_

**Jin: **What's wrong with my wife?

**Michael: **_*forgets who he's talking to*_ Ah, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.

**Jin: **_*swears heavily in Korean*_ What?! Why were you seeing her boobies?

**Michael: **Hey! It was an accident; it wasn't like I was across the beach with a telescope and a box of donuts.

**Jin: **God! You enrage me! Go upset another ship!

**Michael: **This is all Ana's fault! She's started a vendetta against me.

**Ana: **Bite me, Michael! It's not _my_ fault you turned into some perverted, misogynistic freak with crazy hair!

**Goodwin: **YAY! Go Ana!

**Ana: **As much as I appreciate the support, Goodwin, I don't need anymore men in my life! I mean Sawyer was bad enough.

**Sawyer: **Hey, hey, _hey!_ Leave me out of it! You _jumped_ me so don't blame me if you didn't get any satisfaction… _*sees everyone staring*_ What?

**Ana: **Well, _genius_, no one else knew I had slept with you! But thanks for sharing that!

**Charlie: **I _really_ didn't want that mental image.

**Sawyer: **_*in an injured tone*_ What's so bad about that image, Chucky?

**Charlie:** Stop calling me Chucky! What are you, like 8 or something?

**Sawyer: **I've got a score to settle with you _boy_. You called me a _ponce_ and I'm not happy with that!

_*he rolls his sleeves up and prepares to punch Charlie until he hears an unusual sound – Ana __**laughing**__*_

**Ana: **Ha, ha, ha! A _ponce!_ I am **so** moving to Britain if they use words like that!

**Frogurt: **_*as he walks back in*_ YOU CAN'T! We're trapped on that island! We'll never leave! We have no choice, no free will, _nothing!_

**Sayid: **I'm sorry. Clearly rubbing a balloon on your head didn't work as a torture method. I might have to turn you into a piñata now.

_*Proceeds to drag Frogurt back out of the room amidst laughter from the rest of the group*_

**Carletta: **Do you think Frogurt should have a separate session of his own? He clearly needs it.

**Rose: **Speaking as someone who's tried to talk sense into that boy, I'd say no. He panics over everything and is such a _jerk_.

**Carletta: **What's with the bitchiness Rose?

**Rose: **Nothing. I just miss talking to Charlie. _He_ at least appreciates my gentle, motherly lectures.

**Charlie: **_*is touched*_ Aw, bless. Someone actually misses me! _*tears up*_

**Ana: **And here comes another set of man tears…

**Charlie: **I'm sorry, it's just I missed _everyone_ and I died for you all. Yes, even Sawyer! Nobody mentioned me after I died. And I didn't want to say anything but I died not long before my 26th birthday.

_*There is a stunned silence where no one knows what to say. Sawyer looks abashed and Ana reaches for the box of tissues which is currently being hogged by Jack*_

**Jack: **_*sobs loudly*_ That is so sad!

**Juliet: **Hold me, Sawyer! _*cries on his shoulder*_

**Ana: **WAAAHHHHH _*cries on Goodwin's shoulder much to Harper's displeasure*_

**Carletta: **You know what? Let's have a break from these sessions. Because it's the fifteenth session next week, let's have a Charlie appreciation hour! _*wipes her eyes*_

**Ethan: **_*under his breath*_ Stupid, stupid, stupid, Charlie!

**Boone: **Oi! I think that's a trifle unfair. Why can't I have an appreciation hour?

**Carletta: **Well, Charlie left behind people who loved him! You _slept_ with your _step-sister_! I think there are some boundaries you don't cross, Boone!

**Boone: **Shannon! You ruin everything with your beauty and family!

**Shannon: **Sayid! Oh drat he's with Frogurt. Boone, leave me alone! I can't help the way I look or the way _you_ feel.

**Locke: **_*claps hands approvingly*_ There you go, Shannon! Tell that sacrifice the truth!

**Jack: **Er, what?

**Boone: **Apparently I was a "sacrifice the island demanded".

**Locke: **Some people don't appreciate anything! Would you like me to call you a poor, unfortunate soul instead?

**Boone: **_*splutters in disbelief*_ I think the word "sacrifice" involves some sort of volunteering on the other person's behalf.

**Locke: **You volunteered to go up to that plane, Boone.

**Boone: **Yes because your leg conveniently collapsed at that moment!

**Locke: **Boone, how many times must I tell you this? Everything happens for a reason.

**Boone: **Whatever.

**Charlie: **_*graciously*_ You can share my appreciation hour, Boone.

**Boone: **_*tears up*_ I've always liked you, Charlie. My brother from another mother! _*runs over and hugs Charlie*_

**Ana: **All this love makes me so happy. _*looks pointedly at Michael*_ Hug and make up?

**Michael: **Aw, go on then! _*Ana and Michael hug*_

**Carletta: **Oh my God! Have we actually, dare I say it, _resolved_ an issue? I think this calls for some sort of celebration!

**Sawyer: **Ah, this is a dear diary moment.

**Jack: **_*almost tears up again*_ I think we should have some sort of group hug. We need one. It would eradicate all the tension and make us all happy bunnies!

**Ben: **I like bunnies…

**Carletta: **Yeah but what would we do for the next god-knows-how-many sessions? Talk about the weather? Face it, Jack – we all need tension in our lives.

**Locke: **_*sways to imaginary music*_ We should have our own theme tune for these sessions.

**Jack: **That's probably the best idea you've come up with…ever. What song shall we have?

**Carletta: **_*happily*_ You guys _can_ learn to work together! I'm so proud!

**Kate, Ana: **_*arm in arm start to sing*_ you and I can share the silence…

**Charlie, Claire: **Finding comfort together…

**Jack, Locke, Sawyer: **_*in soprano voices*_ the way old friends do.

**Ana, Michael: **And after fights and words of violence…

**Charlie, Locke: **We make up with each other…

**Boone, Locke: **the way old friends do!

**Carletta: **I'm the counsellor here; I think our theme song should be I'll Be There For You

**Sawyer: **Er, no. I think we should sing I'll Stand by You.

**Jack: **_*is confused*_ I thought we were singing our theme song. Has everyone just taken to spontaneously singing these days?

**Ben: **Yes! Yes! Yes!

**Jack: **_*taken aback*_ Chill out, Ben! It was just a question.

**Ben: **Your mother is a question.

**Jack: **You always do this…

**Ben: **Do what?

**Jack: **Use sarcastic humour to put in your stupid opinion!

**Ben: **Your daddy is a stupid opinion.

**Jack: **Shut up! You're a mean, green, lean bean! You'll make me cry!

**Ben: **We all make you cry at some point during the day, Jack. Face it – you what the French call la man who cries.

**Jack: **Only one word – if you can even call it that – was French!

**Carletta: **I thought we would get through this _one_ session with a little bit of dignity and grace. Obviously, that's not the case. I should bang your heads together.

**Charlie: **I'll sort it.

_*Charlie goes over to Jack and whispers something in his head and then does the same to Ben. Both smile and shake hands*_

**Charlie: **Sorted.

**Carletta: **_*is stunned*_ How did you…do that? You've done in one second what I failed to do in fourteen sessions!

**Charlie: **I told them that if they didn't shake and make up I'd make them watch every single Locke centric episode in one sitting.

**Locke: **Wise plan, Charlie…_oi! _My episodes were rather exciting.

**Charlie: **Er, of course they were, John.

**Locke: **That's better.

**Claire: **_*smiles at Charlie*_ My hero.

**Charlie & Claire fans: **AWWWWWWWWWWW!

**Michael:** I think everyone should start rooting for some Mana!

**Ana: **What?

**Michael: **Mana. It's our names mashed together. Cute, isn't it?

**Ana: **I don't know whether to laugh at that or mock you forever…so I shall do both.

**Carletta: **_*weakly*_ Don't please. You've both done so well…

**Ana: **HA HA HA HA ! Michael is _so_ soppy! He actually thinks he has a chance for some Ana action!

**Michael: **_*scowls*_ I'm going to kill you, Ana Lucia! And this time they will not deny me an Emmy!

**Ana: **Ha! They didn't even _offer_ you it!

**Michael: **Mock all you want! I've got a gun and you haven't!

_*The session ends with Michael chasing Ana out of the room. We hear gun shots but Ana just laughs showing he's a bad shot. Carletta breaks down because she thought she had had a good session for once and Charlie and Claire decide to go for a walk whilst Sun examines her cardboard cut out of Edward Cullen much to Jin's fury*_

**A/N: This was **_**almost**_** a good session. Poor Carletta, though. Thank you to my faithful reviewers. Is it just me or do you find the idea of Michael/Ana a ridiculous funny pairing? I would love it if anyone tried writing a one-shot about them but it's just a thought. **

_Next session: Charlie (and Boone) appreciation hour! _


	15. Charlie & Boone Appreciation Hour!

**Session 15: Charlie (and Boone) Appreciation Hour **

_For once there is no circle of chairs in the cabin. Instead it's decorated with streamers and a Frogurt style piñata (see there was a plan for that after all). Everyone looks like they're having a good time but there's an exception to every rule_…

**Ethan: **_*scowls*_ Why does that pipsqueak get an appreciation hour and I don't? I gave season the _edge!_ Evil twerp.

**Carletta:** Chill out Ethan. You weren't exactly a well loved character were you? You should take a leaf out of Charlie's book. _*smirks*_

**Sawyer: **HAPPY CHARLIE AND BOONE DAY! _*raises a Dharma beer car*_

**Kate: **Are you drunk already, Sawyer? How? You've had, like, _one_ can!

**Juliet: **Don't even ask, Kate. You wouldn't believe the trouble it took for me to persuade him that this wouldn't be a waste of his precious time.

**Charlie: **_*hugging Claire*_ I am so happy! Where's Jack and Locke and everyone else?

**Carletta: **_*frowns*_ That's a good point. Sun, have you seen them?

**Sun: **_*looking up from her copy of New Moon*_ No. I think Jack said something about going to find something from the hatch – whatever's left of it. _*turns back to book*_ NO! YOU STUPID COW! STOP WHINING AND GO GET HIM IF YOU MISS HIM SO MUCH!

**Charlie:**_*startled* _Take it easy Sun. It's just a book.

_*He dodges as New Moon comes flying towards him and laughs as it ends up knocking out Paulo*_

**Nikki: **_*shrieks and overreacts*_Paulo! Oh my God! Speak to me! If you see a light, _don't go into it!_

**Paulo: **Nikkishurrup.

**Nikki: **What did he say? It sounded like 'milkshake' to me.

**Carletta: **_*rolls eyes*_ God how blonde can you get?

**Paulo: **I _said _Nikki…SHUT UP! You daft cow.

**Nikki: **_*starts to cry*_ Why are you so mean to me? Other than throwing a poisonous spider at you, I've done nothing to harm your Brazilian body!

**Charlie: **Excuse me! This is not Nikki and Paulo day; this is _my_ hour! And so far all I've received is a squashed cake which looks like it's had Hurley's giant sausage fingers poking into it and a drunken hug from Sawyer.

**Sawyer: **I love you, man. You're the best sock star ever! _*laughs hysterically*_ I mean _rock bra_. Silly me. I'm getting me words wrong tomorrow.

**Charlie: **Don't you mean _today?_

**Claire: **_*stands on her chair*_ I propose a toast to my man, Charlie. _*winks at Rose*_ He's a sweet, kind, beautiful soul who has stolen my heart.

**Juliet: **WOO! Go girlfriend!

**Desmond: **OH MY GOD! CHARLIE'S ALIVE! _*tackles Charlie to the ground in a hug*_ I love you brother! _*sobs into shirt*_

**Penny: **_*squeals*_ Oh my God! It's that cute Briton I spoke to! Desmond, he's _adorable!_

**Desmond: **Happy Charlie Day, Charlie! I'm sorry I held your head underwater and got distracted counting bubbles and didn't realise you couldn't breathe until you started floating upside down like a dead goldfish.

**Claire: **_WHAT!!!!???_ That's not what _I_ heard!

**Charlie: **I thought we had established I died watching a Jack centric episode? The point is I _died_. _*sniff*_

**Carletta: **As I recall you _drowned_ trying to save Aaron and Claire. I don't know what you've all been sniffing but Desmond didn't drown Charlie via holding his head under water and Lost was in _no_ way responsible for the tragic loss of a good man. Well, it kind of _was_ but that's not the point!

**Sawyer: **_*in a drunken voice*_ I love Charlie, Charlie loves me, we both know our ABCS with a great big gulp _*gulps down beer*_ and a lovely teddy bear. I think Chawyer is a great pair.

**Carletta: **_*bewildered*_ Er, _Chawyer?_ What is that, a new kind of beverage?

**Sawyer: **Silly Billy. It's mine and Charlie's names mashed up together.

_*Locke, Jack, Sayid, Shannon and Jin walk into the room with grins on their faces as if they know something no one else does*_

**Jack: **We're back!

**Locke: **We're tough!

**Sayid: **And we're sexy!

**Carletta: **Of all the words to describe you three, tough and sexy aren't on my list. What have you got there, Jack?

**Jack: **I call it the Charlie Pace project. We've flicked through some of it on the Pearl video monitor and found it _hilarious!_ Charlie's obviously been doing a bit of self filming. Let's see it. Stick it in, boys.

_*Locke wheels a television out from nowhere and puts the video cassette in. Charlie's face appears on screen wearing a goofy grin*_

**Charlie: **Oh dear Lord…

**Video Charlie: **HELLLLOOOOOO! I'm Charlie Pace and, because I'm bored and the A-Team's gone off on another pointless adventure, I've decided to make the fourth film of Lord of the Rings! _*mock cheers himself*_ It's called Merry Goes At It Alone!

**Claire: **_*starts to giggle*_ Oh my dear Jacob!

**Video Charlie: **_*in his best trailer voice*_ In a world where elves are gay but Orlando Bloom isn't, comes Lord of the Rings Four: Merry Is the Fairest Hobbit of Them All.

**Sayid: **You can't just change the title whenever it pleases you!

**Charlie: **_*blushes*_ DON'T EVER TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO!

**Locke: **_*smiles proudly* _Well said Charlie. Well said.

**Video Charlie: **_*waves at imaginary audience*_ Now for the impressions! This is Jack. _*puts on a gruff, rough voice*_ OH MY DAYS! A twig has snapped in half. I must fix it, lest the world should end and Kate should pick Sawyer over me. _*pretends to cry*_ Ah, how I love to shed tears. It makes me manly.

_*Sawyer, who has magically sobered up at this point, starts to cry with laughter. He leans on Ana for support and they both sob with hysterical laughter at this portrayal of Jack. The real Jack, predictably, starts to tear up*_

**Video Charlie: **Now for Sawyer. _*puts on even gruffer voice and pretends to take stuff from the ground*_ This is mine and that's mine, and Kate's mine and Juliet's mine and that's mine. I'll take the make up bag because I'm a woman at heart and everything's mine!

**Jack: **_*sobs with laughter*_ That's you all right, Sawyer.

**Video Charlie: **I shall end with Locke! _*sits down*_ Is my leg broken, is it not? Dear me I can't make up my mind whether my leg works or not. Faith is the key! I shall pray to trees, sand, dirt and leaves for a miracle because I'm special! I AM THE WHITE WIZARD!

**Locke: **_*scowls*_ You can't mock the unmockable!

**Charlie: **I just did gramps.

**Video Charlie: **Here is my good friend, Boone who wants to say something. Come one Boone – don't be shy!

**Video Boone: **_*shows up on screen in a hip hop outfit*_Yo! Boone dog is in da house! Here is my rap song for my homies. _*clears throat and starts to rap to Fresh Prince of Bel-air tune*_ Oh this is a story all about how my life got twisted up side down. Fell from the sky to a freaky island, with a bunch of queers like Sawyer and Desmond…

**Sawyer: **WHO YOU NEVER EVEN MET! _*under his breath*_ Fool.

**Video Boone: **I fell from a second plane, oh the irony. Never found the love of the woman I need. Some people called it sick y'all but that ain't cool! So I'm here with my bud, making mud pies in the mud and this is our story of the best duo in history!

**Carletta: **_*is in stitches laughing her head off*_ This is the kind of session I like… a session with the nutters! _*laughs some more*_

**Jack: **These are tears of mirth for once! _*glances round*_ I shouldn't really admit I cry like a baby should I?

**Desmond: **Don't sweat it, brother. No one's even listening to you.

_*Locke switches off the video and everyone settles back into their seats*_

**Locke: **Ok, let's play a game because no one ever seems to play games anymore except for me. _*looks sad* _In honour of Charlie, we have to associate a memory or object with him starting with each letter of the alphabet.

**Sawyer: **What a _fun_, totally not boring game, Gandalf! But I'll be a good sport and start. A is for Aaron, 'cause the little squirt loved hanging round with the even littler squirt. Which was cool except he had to drag _me_ into his games.

**Charlie: **But you have a sexily seductive voice, Sawyer, which calmed down a screaming infant! You did a good deed.

**Sawyer: **_*moans*_ Well I just lost a bet with old Huggers over there. He said that I was good _before_ season four and I said I wasn't. Now I can't call anyone nicknames for a whole season! _*pulls at hair*_

**Charlie: **To be fair, you didn't really give anyone nicknames in the last season.

**Locke: **_*pouts*_ So we've given up the game already? Typical! I hate you all. _*sulks*_

**Jack: **And you say that in such a _loving_ way, John. _*goes over and hugs Charlie*_ I love you man! In a brotherly way of course. You saved my life!

**Sawyer: **Why would you do that Charlie? _WHY?_

**Jack: **_*glares at Sawyer*_ You horrible little man who happens to be taller than me.

**Nikki: **That's contradicting yourself, Jack! You need to be more clear and concise when saying such pernicious things.

_*Everyone sits back, stunned that Nikki's vocabulary extends beyond the use of 'Paulo' and 'money' and 'biatch'*_

**Locke: **_*flicks through dictionary frantically*_ WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

**Carletta: **_*drunk*_ I'd like to butt in and bring my good friend Boone in. He's been serioushly neglected.

**Charlie: **_Serioushly?_ That's not even a word!

**Jack: **Neither is the word Boone came up with earlier. He was trying to combine the word 'monster' and 'transport' and came up with 'transponster'. Honestly, the IQ levels here must be lower than the survival count of this show.

**Ana: **I worked out the other day that me and Boone should hook up. You wanna know why? 'Cause we'd be "Boonana!" Isn't that the coolest ship name _ever?!_ It sounds like "banana".

**Michael: **Well, if you're gonna be so pedantic, Ana, why not extend Mana to Monana?! I think it sounds dashing.

**Carletta: **I think it sounds gay.

**Boone: **_*smiles at Shannon*_ Hey Blondie!

**Shannon: **Ew. That's a horrible name Boone. Go flirt with Ana Montana; I'm bored of you.

**Sawyer: **_*is mildly impressed*_ Good one, Shannon. I could've sworn I've heard someone use the nickname Blondie before…

_*Juliet frowns and then whispers something in Sawyer's ear. He listens and then an angry expression crosses his face*_

**Sawyer: **YOU STOLE MY NICKNAME, BOY?

**Boone: **_*cheekily*_ Who's called _you_ Blondie then? Your mother?

**Sawyer: **Do I look like someone would dare to call _me_ Blondie? Face it, Boonerang; you've lost that season one charm you used to possess.

**Boone: **_*rolls his eyes*_ I was mainly in season one, Sawyer. Thanks for the sensitivity though.

**Locke: **Well it's not like you've not had _other_ projects, Boone! You skipped off into the sunset to star in some weird vampire thing which, shockingly enough, is _not_ Twilight. What is it with people and vampires these days?

**Charlie: **_*shrugs*_ I guess being pale and addicted to blood is the new fashion these days.

**Emmett: **Hell yeah!

_*Everyone turns to stare at the vampire who has suddenly appeared. Sun screams in delight and falls backwards, much to Jin's shock and Locke and Ben start to whisper about whether Jacob knows that the plot of Lost has now digressed into a world of vampires*_

**Carletta: **_*rolls eyes*_ Typical, isn't it? I think either this sycophantic author is either fulfilling a reader's request or her own fantasy. It might even be both.

**Locke: **_*sits up in shock and gazes up at the sky with reverence*_ There's an _author_ now? So not only do I have to worship the island and Jacob but now there's someone _else_ who is omnipresent?

**Charlie: **This isn't even a session and we've digressed quite badly.

**Boone: **You're right, Charlie. This is a trifle unfair.

**Emmett: **_*eyes Charlie*_ Charlie, eh? You're a lot younger than I remember? Your daughter looks _nothing_ like you.

**Claire: **You have a _daughter_, Charlie? Why do you not tell me these things?

**Charlie: **Because it's a lie! And that rumour that's been going around suggesting I'm the father to Sun's baby clearly hasn't taken into account the fact that I've _not_ had intimate relations with Sun and that I am solely _your_ man.

**Emmett: **I thought you'd hooked up with Sue Clearwater? Wait a second…where am I?

_*Locke switches on the television screen as a way of offering an explanation*_

**Video Charlie: **In a world filled with man-eating polar bears, men who cry at every little thing and paraplegic, bald loonies who _literally_ worship the ground they walk on, comes _Lost_. Warning – not to be watched by pregnant women and people with heart conditions as it may cause you to become overly stressed at the fact that NO QUESTION YOU FRIGGIN' ASK IS EVER ANSWERED!!

**Emmett: **I'm clearly in the wrong fandom. Again. I heard the word _vampires_ and thought – never mind. Well, this'll be a good story to tell Rose.

**Rose: **No need, dear. I'm right here.

**Emmett: **_*stares at her*_ Sorry…wrong Rose.

_*He runs abnormally fast out of the room, leaving a stunned silence behind*_

**Carletta: **Well, let's get back to worshipping Charlie and Boone. Personally, I couldn't choose between these lovely boys. I just don't understand how Shannon could treat you both so badly.

**Shannon: **_*stomps her feet*_ It's not my fault I duped Charlie over a fish and called Boone a jerk time and time again! It's the way I was _written!_

**Sayid: **Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on television.

**Shannon: **Boone just crossed the line and became obsessed with me. He's lovely and all – plus he's _so_ gorgeous – but he needs to learn to let go.

**Christian: **Hm, I'm thinking this speech of hers sounds familiar. _*glares at Jack*_ Remember that little speech of mine, Jack? You never actually took it to heart. You just ignored it. Foolish boy.

**Jack: **Hey! It's Charlie and Boone appreciation day, _not_ Mock-Jack-Day.

**Sawyer: **But Jack, _every_ day is Mock-Jack-Day. How else do you think we put up with all the crap Lost hurls at us? We take deep breaths, count to five and then take out all our issues on you.

**Carletta: **So that's the reason for all the - ? _*she suddenly realises something*_ So all your flaws and random jungle tantrums are because of _Jack?_ That…is the biggest load of bull POOP I've ever heard. And _I've _sat through political conferences.

**Charlie: **_*starts to sing* _YOU ALL EVERYBODY!

**Liam: **O.M.G! MY BABY BROTHER! _*leaps across the room and tackles Charlie in a vice like hug*_

**Charlie: **I wish people would stop hugging me like that!

**Carletta: **_*smiles*_ You're loved, Charlie. What more can we say?

**Nikki: **How is _he_ so loved and I'm not?

**Sawyer: **A) He's not a blonde biatch who killed someone for _diamonds_, b) who the hell are you? and c) he had some _redeeming_ features and actually contributed to the camp. All we got out of you was an ambiguous message, a couple of useless scenes which could've been put to better use and the release of some nasty spiders which were never mentioned again!

**Arzt: **They don't, technically, exist you know. They were just a clever concept created by the Lost producers who realised Nikki and Paulo were the biggest mistake they'd ever made and needed a way to get rid of them.

**Hurley: **_*grins*_ It's Leslie Arzt. Why have you been so quiet all this time?

**Arzt: **I know a clique when I see one. I need to explode now. After I've given some relevant information, which no one generally pays attention to, I have to blow up. _*sighs*_ Love your character, Charlie. _*blows up*_

**Charlie: **That was messed up. I seem to have that effect on people, though. They see me and _bam!_ They explode.

**Locke: **You're obviously just so attractive that they take one look at you and explode with love. I know I do.

**Jack: **One guy to another, John…what you just said is possibly the most _disturbing_ thing I've ever heard in my life!

**Carletta: **You get used to it, Jack. _*rubs head*_ Believe me; I've heard more than my fair share of disturbing phrases and euphemisms.

**Locke: **Leave me alone, Jack! What would _you_ know about shattered dreams?

**Charlie: **_*sniggers*_ Quite a lot actually! Does anybody wanna see footage of Jack's America's Got Talent audition?

**Everyone: **HELL YEAH!

**Jack: **_*furious*_ How did you get footage of _that?_

**Charlie: **Oh just a little website called _Youtube!_ Let's see it.

_*Charlie whizzes around and finds the tape and puts it into the television screen. We see Jack entering the America's Got Talent audition room_*

**Video Jack: **Hello, I'm Jack.

**Simon Cowell:** Hello Jack. Why are you here?

**Video Jack: **Well, in truth it's because of my daddy issues but I won't bore you with the details.

**Ben: **Oh so you won't bore Mr Cowell with your daddy issues but you'll bore _us_ with them? This sucks!

**Carletta: **_*in a bored tone*_ This is Lost; get used to it.

**Simon Cowell: **O…kay. Well what are you going to be singing for us today?

**Jack: **_*starts to sing as Simon speaks*_ _I don't want a lot for Christmas; there is just one thing I need! _

**Charlie: **_*gobsmacked*_ Appalling singer but at least he's keeping up with the Christmas spirit.

**Sawyer: **Bah humbug!

**Jack: **_I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true; all I want for Christmas is YOOOUUUUU! _Happy Christmas Kate!

**Kate: **_*tears up*_ AWWWW!

**Charlie: **You missed a line, you _dolt!_.

**Simon Cowell: **_*looks fed up*_ I'm sorry Mr Shepherd. That was _dreadful_. Despite your daddy issues, we can't have you on the show. You'd ruin the ratings. I think the answer is a gritty, in-your-face _no_.

**Video Jack: **I've failed _again!_ _*tears up*_ DADDY, I'M SORRY I FAILED!

**Carletta: **_*rolls her eyes*_ Is this _Lost_ or the Jack Shepherd show?

**Ben: **Ah now _that_ is Lost's biggest mystery. Sorry Richard.

**Richard: **_*sulkily*_ It's ok. I'm immortal but nobody batters an eyelid about that these days. It's _Jack_ this and _Jack_ that and that stupid love rectangle!

**Ana: **Aw, Richard needs some love! I reckon we should dedicate next session to finding Richard some love!

**Richard: **I don't have time for love! I have more important things to be doing.

**Daniel: **I'm sorry – I was under the impression we freighter folk were going to have a session. Of course if we're not important… _*sniffs*_

**Carletta: **Sometimes I think you guys actually _enjoy_ being manipulative and toying with my emotions.

**Ben: **I know _I_ do!

**Carletta: **Alright then. Next session is _solely_ on the freighter folk. _*mutters underneath her breath*_ Like _that's_ going to happen.

**Claire: **In honour of Charlie – and Boone – we have a giant cake for you. Wheel her in boys!

_*Miles and Jin walk in with a tiny cake shared between them. Everyone looks bemused*_

**Charlie: **Er, not to be pedantic or anything but why is that giant cake so, er, _small?_

**Jin: **_*sourly*_ Miles thought it would be funny to go to Orchid station and send it in that time travelling machine only it backfired.

**Miles: **Must've pressed a dodgy button or something. _*sees Charlie and Boone*_ ARGH! _*sits on Sawyer's lap*_ Can you see _them?_

**Sawyer: **Who? Dumb and Dumber? Yeah I can see 'em. What of it?

**Miles: **_*in disbelief*_ They are _dead_. How can they _be_ here?

**Carletta:** _*impatiently*_ We reincarnated them for the purpose of these meetings. And that goes for Ana-Lucia, Libby, Eko, Ethan, Goodwin and anyone else that died on the show.

**Miles: **Oh…I don't get it.

**Carletta: **And on that note, we'll end the appreciation hour. _*checks watch*_ Even though it wasn't really an appreciation hour and lasted 23 minutes.

**Hurley: **THAT'S ONE OF THE BAD NUMBERS!! _*screams and falls into a coma*_

**Carletta: **Jesus, is everyone on the show a complete nutter?

**Everyone: **YES!

**A/N: Thank you all for such FAB reviews! I seriously love you guys! Keep those suggestions coming and I'll try to use them! Even if it's just something which features in a session is good! **

_Next session: In Which it's the Freighter Four _


	16. Session 16: In Which Its the Freighter 4

Session 16: In Which It's The Freighter Four

_Carletta sits in a chair labelled "Big Important Chair", which Sawyer promptly points out to Miles and both of them snigger. Juliet rolls her eyes and swaps seats with Kate who eyes her former lover up with interest. _

**Carletta:** Now, what did we agree upon?

**Sawyer: **That we wouldn't keep interrupting these sessions with our... _*is nudged by Jack*_…alright, _my_ immature comments, sarcastic remarks and/or pranks. However, I can't guarantee we'll keep our opinions to ourselves.

**Carletta: **_*rolls her eyes*_ I suppose that's a start. Now, let's go to Frank first. Hello, Frank.

**Frank: **Hey, doll. Need to fly anywhere? I'm your man.

**Miles: **_*sarcastically*_ We can't actually guarantee he'll _get_ you there if we go by the amount of times he's crashed on that island.

**Frank: **It's not _my_ fault that island attracts planes like metal to a magnet…

**Radzinsky: **_*sniggers*_ Ha, ha inside joke alert! _*smirks at Sawyer*_

**Miles: **SHUT UP! NO ONE LIKES YOU!

**Radzinsky: **_*looks hurt*_ Why? Is it the glasses? It's the glasses isn't it? Is it the fact that I constructed a perfect scale model of the swan? It's the fact that I'm an underrated character isn't it?

**Miles: **_*is momentarily thrown off*_ No, it's because you're an arrogant, annoying little twit who is so _damn_ impertinent it makes me want to vomit!

**Sawyer: **_*whispers to Jack*_ He's a little upset because Santa didn't bring him a present this year.

**Carletta: **Oh yeah… happy belated Christmas everyone!

_*Charlie bursts into tears and then runs out of the room. He briefly runs back in to knock Radzinsky's glasses of his face and then runs out again*_

**Jack: **What was _that_ about? Or am I missing something big?

**Kate: **THE SECOND ONE! I PICK THE SECOND ONE!

**Claire: **He's just a bit…sad because he, er, didn't get to know the wonderful freighter folk like the rest of us.

**Ben: **LIES!

**Daniel: **I appreciate the effort though, Karen.

**Claire:** It's _Claire_. Has that name even been _mentioned_ during the course of the show? _*puzzles over it*_

**Carletta: **_*looks stunned that no one knows this*_ Ok, before we get back to the abysmal excuse of a session this has turned out to be, I will give someone the only mode of transport available as a prize if they can figure out who Karen is.

**Ben: **_*looks hopeful*_ Is it the name of a bunny?

**Daniel: **Er, is it Charlotte's mother?

**Charlotte: **_*scoffs*_ Ben Linus knows me better than you it seems. Is it that English guy's favourite teddy bear?

**Carletta: **No… but it is in relation to Charlie. LOCKE, ARE YOU CHEATING?

**Locke: **That depends…

**Carletta: **On what?

**Locke: **On whether using Lost wikipedia counts as cheating.

**Carletta: **Yes it does, Locke. I assume when you were pushed out of that building your brain suffered as well?

**Locke:** Er, what?

**Carletta:** Asked and answered.

**Ben: **Is it Charlie's aunt? His mother?

**Claire: **_*looks triumphant*_ Got it! It's his brother's wife, otherwise known as his sister-in-law!

**Carletta: **Well done, Claire. You now get your prize… a pair of skates. It won't get you far but at least you'll have a lot of island fun. Anyway, that was exhausting. Does anyone have a question for the freighter folk before I jump in?

**Locke: **Considering I only ever met Miles and Dan, I do have a question. It's for Miles…are you a Chinese version of Sawyer?

**Sawyer, Miles: **What?!

**Locke: **Come on. You both are sarcastic, belligerent jerks who start off as these evil characters and then become these heart warming characters we adore. And by _we_, I'm talking about the viewers. I don't class myself as part of that group.

_*Miles and Sawyer glare at Locke, who backs away slowly until he falls out of the cabin. He gets up and suddenly loses sight of the cabin. He starts to cry as he realises the only two people who could help him find it – Ben and Hurley – are inside it*_

**Miles: **_*glances at Sawyer*_ We do have similarities but we have two different personalities. Although…I have toyed with the idea of pitching us two as the next big double act. We could be the next Bonnie and Clyde, or Bill and Ben, or Ant and Dec!

**Sawyer: **_*rolls eyes*_ Sorry, Colonel. I don't see that happening.

**Sun: **_*is reading Eclipse*_ Frank, is it true – HA, JACOB GOT OWNED! – that you're a bit of a drunkard?

**Frank: **I do like my liquor but it has never affected my piloting skills. Except for the time I flew into a tree and accidentally squashed Charles Widmore's cat, Mrs Ben Linus. _That_ was unpleasant.

**Ben:** I don't know whether to be flattered or disturbed that Charles named his _female_ cat after me.

**Charles: **_*chuckles*_ Be flattered _and_ disturbed, Benjamin. I also have a huge poster of your face on my wall and I throw darts at it.

**Frank: **_*ignores that conversation*_ Why are you reading a vampire book, Sun? What's the appeal?

**Claire: **The last book she got attached to like this was Harry Potter and we couldn't get a word out of her for five days. I wouldn't disturb her.

**Sun: **Jacob just got punched! Ha! As much as I love him, he does rile me up a bit!

**Sawyer: **Where's Jin? I'm surprised he's not playing the overprotective-husband-act.

_*We cut to a gloomy graveyard scene where Jin kneels before a grave and sobs. It reads, __**here lies Jin's importance in relation to Twilight**__*_

**Sawyer: **Ah.

**Charlotte: **A better question to put to the lost producers is this: why do the cuter ships die out before they even have time to grow? You keep the main pentagon or whatever it is these days and you don't let the cuter ships blossom? HOW DARE YOU? This place isn't death…the producers are death!

**Sawyer: **Somewhere, there's a small room filled with important men who are either cowering in their seats or planning the greatest genocide since Benjamin Linus emerged on our screens.

**Sayid: **Aren't you being a _bit_ dramatic?

**Sawyer: **Maybe…but look at Miles over there! He has _serious_ daddy issues.

**Sayid: **Don't we all though?

**Juliet: **_*nods her head*_ Sayid has a good point. Did _anyone_ here have a good relationship with their father?

_*Silence fills the room and no one seems to speak up, proving Sayid's point*_

**Daniel: **Jack, I'd like to say a big thank you for trying to carry out with my totally safe and not at all insane plan to reset time.

**Jack: **Don't thank me; thank my alter ego – the Jack who does stupidly insane things out of _faith_. I think I might've been Locke in that moment…

**Daniel: **I should've warned you though that once time is reset, there will be some, er, side effects.

**Kate: **_*exasperated*_ NOW he tells us! What kind of side effects?

**Daniel: **You'll be regurgitating lines from other shows, some of you will be slightly more insane than usual and you'll find yourself falling in love with someone you _hate_.

**Sawyer: **So, apart from that last one, we'll pretty much be the same as we are now.

**Daniel: **So, Sawyer will fall in love with Jack, Kate will fall in love with Ana Lucia, Charlie will fall in love with Locke etc.

**Jack: **WHAT? Sawyer… you _hate_ me?

**Kate: **Yeah, _that's_ the part to focus on you idiot!

**Ana: **_*looks hurt*_ Kate hates _me?_ Can't imagine why – I was such a pleasant character.

**Frank: **_*starts to drink liquor*_ Anybody know a good alcoholic I can hang out with? Some of you really don't know how to hold your liquor. Like you Jack. I saw you drink about _one_ bottle of beer before you started making out with your bedside lamp.

**Jack: **_*starts to blush*_ In my defence… hey, what were you doing in my bedroom, Frank?

**Frank: **For some strange reason, you asked me to be your best man. So I had to take care of you from there on in.

**Jack: **Why don't I remember this? And maybe just as seriously…why did I need a best man? _*realises something*_ Oh God…who on Earth did I marry?

**Sawyer: **_*sniggers*_ We were all invited to watch. Unfortunately, due to the dramatic decline in your popularity, only I, Kate and Sayid turned up to watch.

**Jack: **I remember we ended up in _Vegas_ for some reason but _who did I marry?_ Looking at my hand, I can see I've got one more ring than I should have.

**Carletta: **_*sighs*_ This isn't a session – it's the world's worst soap opera. Alright, who here has a wedding ring on that they can't explain?

_*Everyone checks their hands carefully and it appears no one has an unidentified ring there…until Ana lets out a blood curdling scream of horror*_

**Jack: **_No!_

**Ana: **_*miserable*_ Yes! Oh God, I'm _married_. To Jack! This isn't a marriage – this is the world's worst hangover!

**Jack: **They wouldn't let us get married when we were _that_ drunk, would they?

**Carletta: **_*snorts with laughter*_ Clearly they did. Anyway, ignoring your slight, er, dilemma, we have to concentrate on the freighter folk. Charlotte...

**Charlotte:** _*startled*_ Hello?

**Carletta: **Now I understand you died due to those flashes right?

**Charlotte: **Yes, well done. You've clearly watched the show.

**Desmond: **If your nose was bleeding, you should've found your bloody constant, sister. It worked wonders for me. _*smiles flirtatiously at Penny*_

**Charlotte: **_I am not your sister!_ God, Des. You must have a huge family considering the amount of times you've called people "brother" and "sister."

**Desmond: **_*scowls*_ Well, there's no need to be such a bitch, is there?

**Charlotte: **_*scowls back*_ Well can you blame me? You get a bleeding nose and survive and I get one and die! Where's the justice?

**Boone: **It flew out of the window the moment _I_ died. _*considers*_ Oh and maybe when Shannon, Charlie, Libby and Ana died.

**Daniel: **About that constant theory, Des…

**Desmond: **_*looks startled*_ You're not going to tell me that was a load of gobbledegook are you? I _just_ got Penny back and now you're going to shatter my entire world, aren't you?

_*Daniel blinks, fascinated by Desmond's mini rant*_

**Daniel: **Er, no actually. I was just going to inform you in a dire situation you're my constant so expect to see me at some point.

**Desmond: **Er, what?

**Carletta: **Yeah I didn't get that either. Why would you choose _Desmond_ and not something near and dear to your own heart?

**Charlotte: **_*pouts*_ Why didn't you pick _me?_ As I understand, it had to be something that exists in both the past and the present and I think, unless I'm mistaken, you saw me as a young child.

**Daniel: **True but I didn't magically fall in love with you then, Charlotte. You were a stubborn child and always munching chocolate. I can't be in a relationship with someone who is co-dependant on something _so_ unhealthy. _*coughs*_ Plus, despite what everyone else may think, I'm _not_ a paedophile.

**Miles: **Yeah, _right_. When we were in the Dharma Initiative back in 1974, you could not stop _staring_ at her.

**Ana: **God, how much did we _miss?_ See this is why you don't kill people off! They miss stuff and end up feeling left out and then do something dramatic.

_*In an Ana-style tantrum, she goes mental with rage and starts shooting the message __**die Lost producers die**__ into the wall of the cabin. One of the bullets bounces off and just clips the back of Ben's head*_

**Sawyer: **Chill _out_, hot lips. Other than me finding the woman I love, Jack throwing a bomb and making all of us disappear in his latest magic trick and Miles still not managing to pull a woman, you didn't miss much.

**Miles: **_*looks outraged*_ I **could** get a woman. There was no one there I liked, that's all. Anyway, who are _you_ to talk? You couldn't decide who you really liked until the bitter end. It was either _Kate_ this or Juliet _that_. I'm sick of this and that!

_*Storms out and punches Radzinsky on the way out*_

**Radzinsky: **Sure, blame the genius. This _sucks!_

**Frank: **Wait a minute… so you guys were in the 70s? Whoa.

**Sun: **Don't you remember, Frank? We met that guy in those barracks, Christian, and he showed us that photograph.

**Jack: **DADDDDDDYYYY!

**Frank: **Oh that's right, I completely blocked that out.

**Christian: **_*outraged*_ How dare you?! I'm completely memorable. I only visit the characters that are important so you should show me some respect.

**Ben: **What about me? You never visited _me_ before.

**Christian: **What about you?

_*Ben, understandably, starts to shake with anger until he becomes the Incredible Sulk. Yes, that's right you've read correctly. The Incredible Sulk bursts into tears and then sits down in his chair and promptly breaks it, going through the floor and landing next to Locke*_

**Carletta: **_*peering at the Ben shaped hole*_ Ok, well those loonies won't bother us for a while. It took them about four days just to find this place. Ok, next issue cropping up is about Daniel's death.

**Eloise: **However killed that poor boy should be shot to death and fed alive to the smoke monster!

**Carletta: **_*coughs loudly*_ It was _you_, Eloise but that's beside the point. Why did you shoot him anyway? Wasn't that a bit reckless and stupid?

**Richard: **I _told_ her not to shoot but she's uncontrollable.

**Eloise: **Oh shut up Richard! Listen, I know this isn't the best of times, Daniel but Charles Widmore is your father.

_*There is a stunned silence. Daniel falls backwards off his chair, whilst the Incredible Sulk, outside the cabin, starts to roar with laughter. Jack shakes his head sympathetically and Charlotte pats Daniel's arm*_

**Claire: **This is just like the Jerry Springer show.

**Desmond: **Or, if you're from Britain, the Jeremy Kyle Show.

_*Miles and Charlie re-enter, talking to each other quietly much to the surprise of everyone else*_

**Jack: **Are you alright Charlie? Are the tears gone? CAN YOU BREATHE?

**Charlie:** Yes, yes and yes, Jack. Miles and I were just talking about being the next famous double act. Can you imagine it? Charlie and Miles – Chiles.

**Carletta: **That's frighteningly disturbing.

_*Ana inches her way closer to Jack and grins at him much to his astonishment*_

**Ana: **Hey, hubby. _*chuckles*_ Do you really think I would get _that_ drunk that I'd drag you to Vegas and marry you? It was a wind up, you fool.

**Kate:** And now I owe her twenty three thousand dollars.

**Hurley: **_*panics*_ That's…

**Everyone:** …one of the numbers! We _know!_

**Frank: **I don't get what these magic numbers are. I'm so confused.

**Carletta: **Embrace the feeling, Frank. It just means you're part of the show now. Confusion and frustration are two of the feelings you're going to have to get used to feeling. Claire was all smiles at the start and now look at her.

**Claire:** _*is frustrated*_ HOW CAN YOU GET OFF THE ISLAND AND GET BACK ON IT AGAIN? STUPID OCEANIC SIX!

**Aaron: **Mommy?

**Claire:** Aaron?

**Michael:** Walt?

**Walt**: That's my name, don't wear it out.

**Sawyer:** I think he's already done that, kiddo, considering the number of times he's said your name.

**Walt:** Good point.

**Michael: **_*sourly*_ Ha, ha, very funny guys!

**Carletta: **Relax, Michael. They're only messing with you. Which they _promised_ not to do. _*glares*_

**Sawyer: **Since when do we ever make promises that we keep? _*looks mock hurt*_ I thought you knew us, Cinderella.

**Carletta:** You know what, Sawyer? Bite me.

_*Sawyer leers at her until Juliet playfully hits his arm*_

**Carletta: **Your knowledge of your own show is appalling. I've just noticed that. I reckon we should test you all next session and somehow wangle another character therapy moment in there. _*frowns*_ I think that's manageable.

**Miles: **_*smirks*_ With all the rubbish that goes on here, I'm sure we can fit in some more nonsense here.

**Dr. Chang: **Now, son, let's not be rude to the nice lady.

**Miles:** Great. It's _daddy_. _*glares at Hurley*_ This is your fault. I hope you can sleep at night knowing you, dare I say it, _tried to reunite me with my father! _How do you sleep at night knowing you committed that heinous crime?

**Hurley:** I do just fine, dude. I think you're just angry because you need someone to blame for the years you spent as an emotionally disturbed child who could speak to the dead.

**Carletta:** Hey, hey, _hey!_ If anyone's going to do the psycho-analysis here, it's me! Miles, why do you not want to make it up with your father? Put it this way – you could be the _only_ person here who actually has a decent relationship with their father! Why would you not take that?

**Dr. Chang:** She's right. After all, in the real world I have mini-Miles and here I have you. I can get to know you before you've even grown up… oh no I've gone cross-eyed. _*collapses*_

**Jack: **_*screams*_ I'LL SAVE YOU! _*runs to the unconscious Dr. Chang and lifts up his hand*_ I _will_ fix you, Dr. Chang. And then we'll all live happily ever after. _*smiles through tears*_

**Kate**: _*under her breath*_ Any excuse to use the "I'll fix you" speech and he does it.

**Carletta:** Since you're so blasé about Jack's problems, I think we should focus on _you_ next session. In between our quiz I mean.

**Kate**: It's _about_ time! I thought I'd never get a session. You put _Michael and Ana_ before me and that's saying something. _*smirks*_ You think you've seen a nutcase? Prepare to hear about my _mummy_ issues. That's a new one for the book, eh?

**Carletta: **We've learned virtually nothing throughout these past fifteen sessions. What makes you think yours will be any different?

**Kate: **_*in a sing song voice*_ Because I'm a girl and I matter.

**Sawyer: **I highly doubt that. _*sniggers*_

**Kate:** _*near enough yells the place down*_ ALRIGH MISTER! YOU WANNA DANCE? LET'S DANCE!

_*She runs after him, leaps on his back and tackles him to the ground*_

**Charlie:** It's a miracle they can be that close without screwing each other. I never thought I'd see the day.

**Carletta:** Me neither, Charlie. It's just beautiful to see them not acting like animals for once.

**Kate:** _*in the distance*_ I'M GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF WITH MY TEETH!

**Charlie: **Not acting like animals, you say?

_*He and Carletta stare at each other and then burst into laughter*_

**A/n: BIG thank you to my faithful reviewers! Ah they all make me smile! I used a few other characters today and I like how they fitted in! Enjoy next session because it's a bit different… Btw happy belated xmas everyone and hope you have a great new year! :)**

Next Session: In Which Kate Runs and Runs and Runs…


	17. Session 17: In Which Kate Runs and Runs

Session 17: In Which Kate Runs and Runs and Runs…

_Carletta comes into the room to see something very, very, very strange. Half the room is bouncing up and down on their seats, whilst the other half are screaming and yelling with excitement. Kate is just running around the room without stopping. _

**Carletta: **Er, what's going on here?

**Jack: **WE'RE BACK BABY! _*hugs Sawyer*_ WOOOOOOO! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! ANOTHER THOUSAND HOURS OF MEEEEEEEEEE!!

**Carletta: **_*looks pale and frightened*_ You mean…?

**Sawyer: **That's right! Lock up your grannies, keep your girlfriends AWAY from the TV set for, like, a month and get ready to hear "live together, die alone" a billion more times…JACK IS SOON TO BE BACK ON OUR SCREENS! _*as an afterthought*_ And the rest of us too, I suppose. Season six approaches us! The final season!

**Carletta: **Most of you are excited, I get that…but why is Kate running around the room looking like a maniac?

**Locke: **Well, to answer your inane question, we told her to run because she's always running in her centric episodes so, it's only fair she runs in her centric sessions too. _*smiles smugly*_ The island told me to tell her that.

**Kate: **Hi guys! Can't stop! Very busy…running!

**Jack: **_*getting angry and all, er, Jack-like_* Why are you running? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE RUNNING FROM!

**Desmond: **Methinks that line is very familiar. Maybe if I change my brain wires around, I'll stop seeing the _future_ and start seeing the past!

**Sawyer: **Yeah… good luck with that, Professor Insanity.

**Carletta: **_*whispers*_ Don't tell him that Jack delivered that same line to him in season two. Let him figure it out for himself.

**Kate: **Still. Running. Let. Session. Begin! _*pants*_

**Carletta: **_*impatiently*_ Yes, yes, yes. Ok, your full name is Katherine Anne Austen, correct?

**Kate: **_*runs past*_ Absolutely!

_*Sawyer sniggers*_

**Kate: **JAMES! Why are you sniggering at my name? What is so funny about it?

**Sawyer:** _*looks abashed*_ I just noticed your initials spell out "Kaa". You know, as in the Jungle Book? It's that evil snake with severe trust issues that wants to eat everyone? Am I the only one here who's ever picked up a book?

_*Everyone stares at him, all looking staggered*_

**Kate: **Anyway…next question please! _*is still running*_

**Carletta: **You don't have to do that…

**Kate: **_*angry*_ HEY! If I don't run, if Jack makes it through an episode without _crying_ and if Sawyer doesn't give a single damn nickname to _anyone_, the universe will implode on itself and we'll end up in a space-time continuum on a loop and we'll end up repeating history again and again and again…

**Kate: **_*angry*_ HEY! If I don't run, if Jack makes it through an episode without _crying_ and if Sawyer doesn't give a single damn nickname to _anyone_, the universe will implode on itself and we'll end up in a space-time continuum on a loop and we'll end up repeating history again and again and again…

**Hurley: **_*confused*_ Er, what just happened?

**Locke: **_*trying to act wise*_ Kate has ended up on a loop, Hugo. I think she's accidentally worked out the Lost producers' plot and so they're punishing her by making her repeat herself…God, I _do_ spout rubbish!

**Desmond: **I'll drink to that, box man!

**Locke: **GAH!

**Kate: **_*shakes herself*_ Ok, I'm back to normal. Cool. Ok, Carletta what do you want to know?

**Carletta: **_*startled*_ Well, I was wondering what your life was like before Wayne entered you and your mother's life?

**Kate: **_*sad*_ It was great. I really had the feeling then that my mother loved me. She always put me first. _*is distracted*_ CHARLIE!? What are you _doing?_

**Charlie: **I was playing a sad tune for you on the world's smallest violin. What did you think I was doing? Flicking bogies at Ben?

**Ben:** EWWWWWWWWW! Don't even _joke_ about that, man!

**Shannon: **Why are men so gross? Boone! Stop staring at my ass! You love me, we get it!

**Ana:** _*shrieks*_ !

_*Everyone stares at Ana, surprised that such a loud voice came from a small person*_

**Ana: **There you go, Kate. You can proceed with your…session.

**Carletta:** Ok, thanks Ana. First of all, trivia question: in whose flashback has Kate's mother appeared? Whoever gets it right gets to ask Kate a question. Doesn't matter whether it's about her past or her present.

**Claire: **Ooh, ooh! I've got it…no I don't.

**Diane: **_*scans group*_ I don't recognize anyone…wait a minute! _*Stares at Sawyer*_ THAT'S THE SON OF A BITCH WHO GAVE ME A LOUSY TIP! I'm Kate's mom, by the way!

**Michael: **I'm going to go with Sawyer. So here's my question. How about a date, Kate? _*leers at her*_

**Kate:** EW! No. I'm sorry but I'm only attracted to men with severe emotional problems. We'd never work as a couple.

**Ben:** That explains _so_ much. Like my many, many attempts to woo her through making her lovely breakfasts and picnics on the beach. She rejected me every time!

**Kate:** _*growls at him*_ You mocked my toy airplane! The last guy who did that ended up with shrapnel in his chest!

**Marshal:** That was through the plane crash, sweetheart, not you so drop the tough guy act.

**Carletta: **_*smiles*_ Ah, Edward Mars? I think some people are confused as to what the toy airplane symbolises. Care to explain?

**Jack**: I thought it was a cruel attempt to outdo my leaf plane which I constructed during the Pilot. _It actually flew._ Then Kate brought out an actual model of one and my dreams fell to dust.

**Marshal: **_*ignores Jack*_ The plane belonged to her boyfriend – Whatshisface- and she was responsible for his death. So she carries the plane around because it's the only thing she's ever cared about. _*stares at Jack and Sawyer*_ Sorry, lads. It was all an act.

**Sawyer: **I KNEW IT! Actually, I didn't but I just wanted to sound all-knowing.

**Juliet:** I _knew_ it. Hence why I swooped it and made you fall for me, James. I didn't want her to break your heart.

**Kate:** HEY! I **did** love James. He was sweet and kind and belligerent enough to see past the flaws to my soft centre.

**Charlie: **Are you a person or a toffee sweet?

**Kate: **I'm whatever you want to be, sweetheart. _*smiles flirtatiously*_

_*Somewhere, far away, a lone Lost writer frantically tries to weave Charlie into the already complicated love rectangle between Kate, Jack, Sawyer, Juliet. When he can't do it, he rips up the script and sulks_*

**Jack: **I should be the _only _man in your life, Kate!

**Kate: **Give me five good reasons, Jack, and I'll think about it.

**Jack: **_*taken aback*_ Er, ok then. One, because I'm the sexiest man on the island.

**Charlie, Boone: **That's debatable!

**Sawyer: **Aw snap! The whippersnappers beat me to it! You _did_ walk into that, doc.

**Jack: **_*lip trembles*_ _Two,_ I am a **doctor** and therefore a ladies' man. Three, I'm your honey bunch, sugar plum, pumpy-umpy-umpkin _*in a babyish voice*_ I'm your sweetie pie! _*starts to dance*_ I'm your cuppycake, gumdrop, snuggums-buggums; I'm the apple of your eye!

_*Kate stops running, trips over and lies there on the floor looking stunned. Ironically, Jack isn't paying attention and misses this opportunity to give her CPR_*

**Carletta: **Ok… that was disturbing. Let's just miss out reasons 4 and 5 shall we? This is, after all, a science fiction, drama show not a dating show. _*sighs to herself*_ Though you wouldn't know it from _looking._

**Kate: **Ugh, this is just so _typical._

**Sawyer: **_*is surprised*_ Are you telling me that seeing Jack dancing around, singing stupid songs and generally being a prat is a frequent occurrence for you? Makes sense, I guess.

**Carletta: **I've been meaning to ask…what is it with you and Jack's "count to five" theory? I've tried it myself and it doesn't work! Plus what's the significance of the number 5?

**Kate: **There are five seasons of lost so far; the fifth episode of season one was a Jack centric episode.

**Carletta: **Ah that depends on whether you count the pilot as one episode or two…

**Kate: **Don't interrupt me, biatch. _*clears throat*_ Five is the number of people we lost in season one. That is if you disregard the flashbacks.

**Sawyer:** Really? How so?

**Kate:** Well, we lost the pilot, Boone, Ethan, Arzt and Joanna.

**Carletta:** Interesting. This is irrelevant though, considering the fact that Jack didn't know all this before the crash.

**Boone**: Could've done. I've had a lot of free time as you know and I've thought about this carefully and I have an interesting theory. Has anyone actually considered that you guys are on a continuous loop? Think about it. We crash on the island and live there for a bit and then sooner or later we leave, come back then try to reset time. Once you've reset time, we'll re-crash and the cycle begins again. HA! I got a whole minute of talking in without being interrupt-

**Kate: **_*interrupts*_ Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true. But if that _is_ true we'll just get seasons 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 in _one_ season! That makes no sense.

**Ana: **Neither does the fact that you keep running and never like settling in one place for too long.

**Kate: **_*looks stunned*_ Touché. You don't know me! Leave me alone! If you knew me, you'd know who my _real_ father is.

**Ana: **Is it that creepy guy who called me Sarah? He kept banging on the door of some woman's house in Australia and nearly got _killed_.

**Kate: **Nope. But if that _was_ true, then it means Jack and I would've had incest and that's just _wrong!_ The guy you're describing is Jack's _father_. I hate people who think incest is ok!

**Boone: **_*to Shannon*_ Be cool. Don't say a word or the extensions come out!

**Sam Austen: **Thought I'd just pop in and say howdy. Hey, Sayid! _*waves*_

**Sayid: **Hi!! _*waves*_ It's my buddy…er, what's your name?

**Kate: **_*bursts in tears*_ It's my daddy who isn't really my daddy who I want to be my daddy! DAAAAADDDDY!

**Jack: **You have daddy issues, Kate.

_*Kate glares at him and starts to shake with anger*_

**Kate: **Pot. Kettle. Black!

**Claire: **I missed, like, all of season five. What _happened_ with you guys? You used to be so close.

**Jack: **It just circles back to the whole Kate-Jack-Sawyer-Juliet-Ana-Charlie-Sayid-Ben-Goodwin nonsense.

**Kate: **_*looks puzzled*_ How did Goodwin and Ben get into this?

**Ana: **How did _I_ end up in this stupid circle of rape? That's all it is really. You guys are all rapists. I would arrest you but I'm no longer a cop.

**Kate: **That's alright. We'd probably kick your ass and run somewhere far, far away where you could never find us.

**Carletta:** And we're back to the running… Couldn't you just face up to your responsibilities for once?

**Kate: **Nope! That would be out of character and I probably wouldn't survive in prison. The idea of staying in one place forever…it makes my blood run cold. _*shudders*_

**Juliet: **I'm going to ruin this moment, like I normally do, and say that Kate killed someone! _*points finger dramatically*_ Why aren't you all gasping?

**Hurley****:** We kind of knew that forever ago.

**Juliet: **Oh, _damn_ it! What other incriminating evidence can I reveal?

**Sawyer: **Come on, Blondie, don't be like that! We all much preferred it when you were sweet as honey.

**Juliet: **I know but I like to keep you all on your toes. I can't be good Juliet _all the time_. I don't like being constantly good like Charlie or Claire. I need to mix it up a little.

**Desmond: **Burn the witch! She knows about constants. _*passes out drunk*_

**Charlie: **Why does he still drink? HE HAS NOTHING TO DRINK ABOUT!

**Kate: **What the hell are constants anyway?

_*Daniel uncharacteristically giggles and leans on Charlotte for support_*

**Carletta: **_*sighs*_ To get back to Kate here, I don't see why you didn't call the police on Wayne in the first place. You could've saved yourself a _lot_ of hassle.

**Kate:** Yeah but then I'd never have been arrested and forced onto Oceanic 815 and I'd never have met Jack and Sawyer. See? I just poked a huge hole in your logic.

**Ben: **_*sullen*_ When can **I** poke a hole in someone's logic? Sometimes I get bored of manipulating people and then end up having my own people exploding on me!

**Ryan: **Yeah, sucks doesn't it?

**Kate: **I blew up my father! Explosions are fun.

**Carletta: **_*thinking carefully*_ I think, Kate, you've been present when most explosions take place. You were there when Arzt blew up, when the hatch blew up, when the freighter blew up and even when Rousseau blew up those trees! Care to explain that?

**Kate: **_*smirks*_ Easy. I'm so hot I cause everything in the vicinity to spontaneously combust. I win!

**Locke: **_*shakes with anger*_ You don't just _win_ like that, Kate! And those explosions all happened for a reason, not because you happened to be in the vicinity at the time.

_*Kate dances around Locke's chair singing __**Feelin' hot, hot, hot**__ and laughs as he becomes increasingly aggravated* _

**Marshal: **See I would intervene at this point but I don't have my five guns.

**Kate:** A-HA! The number five strikes again! _*does a victory dance_*

**Charlie: **I had _five_ greatest hits as well, if that helps.

_*Kate beams at Charlie and then hugs him tightly*_

**Ana: **Five is also the number of guys you've kissed over the course of the show. Jack, Sawyer, Kevin, that dude you robbed the bank with and Tom! HA! _*smiles with glee*_ I am so smart.

**Hurley: **Ah but can you spell _bodies_? That always catches me out.

**Sawyer:** You and _only_ you, Einstein. The rest of us can spell it just fine.

**Kate: **See? Five guys aren't that bad. People make me out to be some kind of floozy tart but I'm _not_. I mean how many guys have the rest of you girls kissed over the course of the show?

**Claire:** One. I was **with** Thomas but we never saw me kiss him.

**Sun:** Two. _*blushes*_ But that was a huge, drunken mistake.

**Jae Lee:** No it wasn't!

**Sun:** SHUSH YOU!

**Shannon: **_*unashamed*_ Two guys for me.

**Ana: **One.

**Rousseau: **Fifty five… _*sees everyone's startled looks*_ Wait…what were we talking about?

**Juliet: **Two and both of them are sitting next to me. _*looks sour*_

**Ben:** I wish I was one of them. _*is sad*_

**Kate: **Ok, so I've kissed a few more people than anyone else. I'm still a good person! Who rescued Jack? Who helped Jack and Charlie fetched the transceiver? Who has done more running about than anyone else? ME!

**Ben: **Ah, the "me" phase. That's basically the way I live all the time! Me, me, _me!_ _*laughs evilly*_

**Sawyer: **_*grabs Ben*_ Freckles is _nothing_ like you, midget man! Take that back!

**Ben: **Ooh, touchy. That's almost _overly _defensive, I'd say. Tell me – what do you _really_ feel about Kate?

**Sawyer: **Before we get into that, I have a question for Kate. Why did _you_ come back? Me and Juliet were just fine before you showed up.

**Kate:** Because I wanted to bring Claire back and because I love you.

_*Everyone stares at Kate and some people start to ooh and ah at her confession. Jack looks hurt and confused and Carletta smiles*_

**Charlie: **It's about bloody time.

**Jack: **Son of a _bitch!_

**Sun: **Oh dear…

**Juliet: **WHAT?!

**Kate: **_*shrugs*_ I love Jack but I came back to see Sawyer. I took care of his child because I cared. People think I'm insensitive but I loved him enough to come back to the very place I escaped from, though it tore me apart when I realised he'd moved on. He's a good man, though I know he feels like he's not.

**Carletta: **This is touching. _*sniffs*_

_*Sawyer is staggered and stares at everyone like he's never seen the sun before. Juliet stares daggers at Kate and Ben's jaw drops_*

**Kate: **What can I say? Like I said to Sawyer at the beginning, he's never been with a girl exactly like me. _*smiles*_

**Sawyer: **Oh jeez. You couldn't have told me you loved me any sooner? Now I gotta pick between two women!

**Jack:** _*sarcastically*_ Yes this must be horrible for you. "Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!" Jerk.

**Sawyer: **I don't have diamond shoes. That would be cool though if I did. Anyway, what's your problem? It's not _my_ fault that these women are in insanely attracted to me. By the way, I find it incredibly funny that I've managed to pull both of them before you.

_*Jack growls and then launches himself at Sawyer and a fight subsequently follows*_

**Jin: **We stop fight?

**Hurley: **Dude, this has been _way_ overdue. Let 'em sort it out themselves.

**Kate: **_Men_. _*smiles*_ But they're _my_ men.

**Juliet: **Yours? I'm sorry, I didn't realise they both had PROPERTY OF KATE stamped all over them.

**Kate: **They don't. You're just jealous because I kissed them both before you.

**Juliet:** Jealous? Ha! I laugh in the face of jealousy.

**Jin: **Juliet, it is going to be ok. _*puts hand on her shoulder*_

**Juliet: **Thanks, Jin. _*smiles weakly at him*_

**Kate: **Look, let's put an end to this enmity now, ok? I've never hated you so let's put this aside and be friends.

**Juliet:** Deal. It's Sawyer's choice not ours. I never realised how sweet and kind you really are, Kate.

**Kate:** Most people think I'm either a tart or an insensitive whore. I'm just a girl struggling to find her place in the world.

**Carletta: **_*thoughtful*_ I think that's the most accurate statement we can make about you, Kate. You always try to do the right thing, just not the right way sometimes.

**Kate: **See? We've accomplished a lot today.

**Carletta: **Er, not really. We've established you're a good person but people knew that anyway.

**Ben: **I didn't! Though I hardly know these people anyway, just what I've read in their files. I just do eeny-meeny-miny-mo to decide whether their good or not. Yes, I know…I have a _lot_ of free time.

_*Jack and Sawyer stop fighting and take their seats again*_

**Carletta: **_*stares at them*_ I'm glad you've got that out of your systems. Ok, one last question for you Kate. What do you think season six will do with your character?

**Kate: **Well, I don't know what's going to happen. Hopefully, I'll have made a decision between these two gorgeous men…

**Locke: **HA! The day that happens will be the day I will have renounced my faith and voluntarily amputated my legs!

**Kate: **Shush you! You live in a box so you can't judge!

**Locke: **_*is owned*_ Ok…

**Kate: **…and hopefully I'll be a much stronger person. I won't break down all the time like Jack and occasionally Locke.

**Jack: **I object to that!

**Carletta: **_*looks at watch*_ Ok, we have time for a quick trivia round before we conclude this session. First of all, whose flashbacks does Nadia appear in? I'll give you a clue - three characters have her in their flashbacks.

**Locke: **Um, mine, your mum's and your uncle's pet's.

**Carletta: **_*sighs*_ Not even kind of close.

**Charlie: **I'll take a wild guess here; Sayid, Locke and Ana?

**Ana: **Wrong! It's Sayid, Locke and _you_ wiseass!

**Charlie: **_*gasps*_ How do you know that?

**Ana: **Because I am wise and powerful…how do you _think_ I know? I watched the stupid show!

**Charlie: **You can't really call your own show _stupid_, Ana. Otherwise you get killed off.

**Ana: **I'm already dead, chump! I tried to get Hurley to explain the rest of the plot and got so mind boggled that I ended up in _hospital_, in a _coma._ I gave up on it after that.

**Carletta: **Correct, Ana. Stop bickering before I kill you _both_ out of these sessions.

**Charlie: **Can you really do that?

**Carletta: **Meh, I don't really know. But don't think I _couldn't._ I wouldn't though…Charlie's too adorable.

**Ana: **Pfft. Figures.

**Carletta: **Season six is approaching fast. Any theories on what's going to happen?

**Jack: **I'll finally get the girl!

**Charlie: **I'll come back to life only to be killed by a piece of flying luggage. _*shrugs*_ It's just my luck.

**Claire: **The dichotomy of the island, that is to say the battle between good and evil, will force the survivors to take sides once and for all in the war for redemption!

**Ben: **Meh. I just think I'll end up manipulating everyone into becoming zombies as part of my army…_*face lights up* _That's not a bad idea, actually…

**Sun: **I just want me and Jin to be reunited again.

**Jin: **I tried being with you but you rejected me for Twilight.

**Sun: **It's to make the reunion sweeter you adorable Korean fool!

_*Pause*_

**Jin: **Can you say insult again in Korean?

**Sun: **_*in a dark voice*_ Never, pretty boy!

**Sawyer: **I don't know which to mock first…Ben's zombie plan, Sun trying to be tough, Jin actually believing he'll come first in relation to Twilight or Charlie and Ana bitching each other out. So I'll laugh at them all at the same time. _*laughs and then chokes to death*_

**Jack: **_*pause*_ I'll save him later. _*looks at nails*_

**Kate: **_JACK!!!!!!!!!!! _

**A/n: This was perhaps one of my more serious chapters but Kate's one of my favourite female characters and I've got a kind of love-hate relationship with her. Anyway, hope you like it! Review, review, review! Let's reach that 100 mark! Thank you for your supportive reviews so far!! **

Next Session: In Which We Grill Sayid


	18. Session 18: In Which We Grill Sayid

Session 18: In Which We Grill Sayid

_Carletta resumes her seat after attempting to calm down an over excitable Jack. Yes you did read that right. She sits down and watches everyone calmly, surprisingly serene and dignified. But not for too long…_

**Carletta: **Howdy folks…my _word!_ What the hell are you doing?

_*We cut to Sawyer who is preparing a barbeque_*

**Sawyer: **Well _excuse_ me if the title of this session was a bit misleading! We haven't had a decent barbeque in a while, the last of which was two seasons ago and Sayid _tortured_ me, ergo it's fair that I barbeque him.

**Carletta: **_*startled*_ Ok…anyway I have a major, MAJOR question here that will contain spoilers for season six. So, for those poor souls who aren't that far ahead…here are some dancing bunnies for you to enjoy.

_*Dancing bunnies appear on screen and entice those readers who haven't watched season six yet away._*

**Carletta: **Ok…here goes. Sayid…are you alive?

**Sayid: **_*taps nose thoughtfully*_ I may very well not be. But I'm fairly sure I am, for now at least. I am still alive and kicking…_*kicks Jack* _See?

**Jack: **God this is so confusing! I thought I'd seen _everything_ but I've never seen a dead man come back to life like that.

**Charlie:** _*cough*_ Yes you have. _*cough* _

**Sawyer: **_Charlie_? Oh dear lord. _*starts crying*_

**Carletta:** _*stunned*_ Oh my God. What's happening? Is this a new Sawyer I've yet to meet? Is he really _crying?_

**Juliet: **He's processing a lot of things. Sawyer died the moment he jumped out of the helicopter. He's _James_ now. He's dealing with a lot of grief…

**Carletta: **I see… _*turns to Sayid*_ Ok, you're the manliest man we have here, Sayid, so where did all the kickass stunts go? You've sort of mellowed out this season. What ever happened to the guy who broke a guy's neck with his _legs_?

**Sayid: **_*defensively*_ He's still here just…there's not much to _do_ this season, I'm bored! I need a new woman that's what I need.

**Sawyer:** Good luck finding one that doesn't die on you. _*sobs again*_ I just don't _get_ this show sometimes! It builds up a couple's fan base, makes them think for _one_ second that life could be good again and then BOOM!

**Jack: **Bomb?

**Sawyer:** _*rolls eyes*_ No, Jackass! I was just using the sound to emphasise how life can suddenly change. Poor Juliet.

**Juliet:** You do know I'm right here, right?

**Sayid: **Hello? Walking dead man here! I think that's possibly the coolest thing I've done yet so…yay me! _*claps hands*_

**Boone: **This dude creeps me out. I reckon he's been possessed!

**Sayid: **Well no bloody shit Sherlock!

**Jack: **Sayid…language!

**Sayid: **English! Besides I think people have heard worse to be honest. I mean we've had five seasons of Sawyer's nicknames and five seasons of people yelling "son of a bitch" all the time. I think, because of my awesomeness, you should back off…before I torture you, break your spirit and all that jazz.

**Carletta: **Let's try and find the real you underneath that tough façade. How was your childhood?

**Sayid:** Mostly normal. I snapped a chicken's neck for a friend once but that's normal right?

_*The room looks staggered at this confession and Hurley slowly moves seats in an attempt to sit next to someone relatively normal.*_

**Carletta: **That is so not normal. _*looks scared*_ How can you think that's normal?

**Sayid: **It's part of my culture, the way I grew up. We didn't have flying cars and ponies that crapped gold and billions of tiaras like most of you did. We had to make the best of our life.

**Jack:** Why did you look at _me_ when you said that?

**Sayid: **_*grins*_ You sound like a man who's desperate to hide something, Jack. But enough of your daddy issues because, honestly, I don't give a tiny smoke monster's ass.

**Ben: **Interesting point. Does the smoke monster have an ass?

**Charlie: **If it did you'd be checking it out no problem. _*laughs and then high fives Boone*_

**Ben: **That's so unfunny it's unreal. Besides how am I supposed to know if I'm looking at its ass or not? The whole thing looks the same! Black smoke…really? Whatever happened to the monsters that used to terrify and make us all quiver in our boots with dread and revulsion?

**Charlie: **Well they're the producers of this show now, right? _*giggles*_ That was a good one, even for me.

**Ben: **You do realise that your brief role in the season premiere will probably be your _only_ role in season six after that joke at the expense of the producers?

**Charlie: **Oh…crap.

**Carletta: **_*ignoring Ben and Charlie*_ So…Sayid, do _you_ have any daddy issues?

**Sayid:** Not particularly. I just have women issues. Seriously does every woman have to _die_ on me? I find that very unfair. Have you ever noticed that the men with coloured skin on this show never seem to have happy endings?

**Michael: **_*frowns*_ Do explain.

**Sayid: **Well, Eko was killed by the smoke monster, you were blown up after trying to redeem yourself for killing Ana and Libby, both of my girlfriends were killed and I got shot and Naomi was stabbed in the back!

**Michael: **What a racist show! _*turns to the side and whispers*_ If you guys have cameras in here, I didn't mean ANY of that. Love you really. Please bring me back!

**Miles: **I've not had anything particularly bad happen to me. In fact, I got reunited with my father so Lost has been quite kind to me.

**Sawyer: **You just wait Bugs Bunny. They'll build you up, make you feel great, and then BOOM!

**Jack: **_*tentatively*_ Bomb?

**Sawyer: **I'LL GIVE YOU A BOMB YOU SON OF A - !! I'LL STICK IT WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE!!

_*Sawyer then promptly runs around the room after a frightened Jack, making good on his promise to kill Jack even though he later changed his mind. They run out of the room and the room falls silent*_

**Miles: **They're not coming back are they?

**Sayid: **It's been an overdue fight and Jack kind of deserves it, even though he saved my life.

**Michael: **_*confused*_ But I thought…

**Sayid: **_*cryptically*_ Saving someone's life doesn't necessarily entail them bringing you back from the dead or rescuing them. I trust Jack completely. He can be an ass at times but so can we.

**Locke:** Sayid's right. There's no point blaming each other. We need to –

**Kate: **_*angrily*_ Do _not_ repeat Jack's speech or I'll blow your head off. We've heard enough "live together, die alone" speeches to last us a lifetime.

_*Shannon curls up in her seat looking tearful. Boone edges his way closer to her but it's Sayid who gets there first._*

**Shannon: **You're all insane. You're still fighting and yelling and none of you cherish the fact that you're _alive_. I wish I was still alive and I'd be doing a damn sight better than any of you if I was.

_*Ana edges away from her looking immensely guilty*_

**Sayid:** Ssh, I know you hate being dead. We've already established death sucks.

**Shannon: **Doesn't it, like, bother you guys that you're just doing the same stupid things you've always done? Every season finale ends in an explosion and you're right back where you started – pretending you don't care about the people you obviously do care about.

**Charlie:** _*quietly*_ Shannon's right. Do you know how much we'd give up to be where you guys are right now? _*sees everyone's incredulous glances*_ Well ok not _exactly_ where you are but still…being dead isn't exactly a walk in the park.

**Locke:** _*under his breath*_ We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love…

**Ben: **Yeah but being _alive_ isn't a walk in the park either. Just look at some of the loonies we're stuck with. _*looks pointedly at Locke*_

**Sayid: **Anyway back to me…

**Carletta: **Of course. Other than Shannon – and Jack, to an extent – who were you close to on the island? You just seemed like the isolated type to me. If I were to go into depth and actually _act_ like a proper psychiatrist, I'd say it was down to depression.

**Sayid:** I guess I wasn't really close to anyone, purely because I've generally found that if I get close to someone I usually end up hurting them – or myself. It's better to be alone. _*looks sad*_

**Claire: **Aw, don't say that! Poor Sayid.

**Jin: **Claire! _*babbles nonsensically in Korean*_ OTHER! OTHER!

**Claire: **_*confused*_ I don't understand.

**Locke: **Well I don't expect you to, Claire. He is speaking in _Korean_ you know!

**Claire: **Stop treating me like I'm blonde – even though I am – John! What's different about you?

**Locke: **I have a purpose now.

**Claire: **Which is…?

**Locke: **To commandeer a ship, pick up a crew in Tortugas, rape, pillage and otherwise pilfer my weasley black guts out…oh wait. Wrong response.

**Sayid: **I don't know maybe death would be a blessed relief. _*rolls eyes*_

**Libby: **Being dead has its ups and downs. We get to watch over the people we love, scare the bejesus out of the people we hate and have parties every night!

**Sayid: **Really?

**Libby: **Apart from that last one…yeah.

**Ana: **Well that kinda blows apart the whole _mystery of death_ bonanza.

**Carletta: **GOD! Why is death always an issue with you guys? It's part of the circle of life… _*spots Locke*_ Please…don't…

**Locke: **_*in a loud voice*_ IT'S THE CIRRRRCLE OF LIFE! AND IT MOVES US ALLLLLLL!

**Charlie: **Is he clinically insane Miss Therapist?

**Carletta: **_*weakly*_ I'm no longer sure about anything anymore…

_*Jack and Sawyer return both of them expressionless.*_

**Kate: **What happened?

**Sawyer: **We resolved our issues like adult, civilized men.

**Kate:** Meaning…?

**Sawyer: **I was kicking the s***t out of him when the smoke monster came along and interrupted us. We decided to return after that.

_*Jack mumbles something incoherent underneath his breath.*_

**Sayid: **Jack? Are you ok?

**Jack: **I've had an epiphany. I said we should go back to the island. I've changed my mind.

**Sawyer:** _*darkly*_ Big surprise there doc.

**Desmond: **What's _happened_ with you people? Where's your sense of unity and cohesion?

**Sawyer: **Blimey, have you swallowed a dictionary there, twitchy? And to answer your question it all went wrong the moment _they_ returned. _*glares at Kate, Jack and Hurley*_

**Kate: **What else were we supposed to do for the remainder of the season? Sit on our asses and play pat-a-cake? _*spots Jack's hopeful expression*_ Jack, that was for _Aaron's_ benefit not yours. Look all you want, it's _not_ happening.

**Jack: **Damn. I strangely enjoyed releasing my childish side.

**Sawyer: **Well, hell, doc. There's a skipping rope just outside the cabin for you to play with if that's the way you swing these days.

**Jack: **How did you know -?

**Sawyer: **_*sighs with exasperation*_ With the magic of _sight._

**Carletta:** As fascinating as this…discussion is, Sayid is still in need of therapy! So sit your sexy asses down and allow _me_ to do _my_ job.

**Ben: **There's a first time for everything…

**Carletta: **_*furious*_ RIGHT! LINUS. YOU. ME. OUTSIDE, _NOW!_

**Ben: **_*sarcastically*_ Can't we resolve our issues _here?_ Forgive me for being so naïve to think that this was a place where issues could be resolved.

**Carletta: **You are a bunny killing, psychopathic, insane, manipulative, immoral, evil, twisted _creep!_ But we still love you!

**Ben: **Words, words, words! You're just trying to steal my plan for a zombie army. _*sulks*_

**Carletta: **Isn't that sort of impossible?

**Jack: **As much as I loathe supporting Ben, I LOATHE HIM ENTIRELY, the word "impossible" no longer exists in our world.

**Sawyer: **As much as _I_ hate to side with Doctor Terrorist over there…he's right. We've been through too much to say something's impossible.

**Carletta: **Touché. Back to Sayid…What _is_ he doing?

_*Sayid is sneakily tying everyone to their chairs. We've yet to understand why…*_

**Sayid: **Sorry…old habits. _*sighs*_ I don't _want_ to torture people but it's a part of me now. I wish I could just erase my life…the bad parts I mean.

**Jin: **Sayid… _*speaks Korean comfortingly*_

_*Sayid, naturally, looks confused. Sun isn't interested due to the fact she's re-reading Twilight for the umpteenth. God knows why…*_

**Sayid: **_*confused*_ Er, I wanna say… thanks?

**Jack: **How can he speak English one minute and then act like he can't the next?

**Jin: **_*sighs*_ Because I love you…

**Jack: **W.T.F?!?

_*Jin starts to laugh hysterically*_

**Jin: **Nah, you're not my type…or the right gender. Though you're close to it with the crying and the fact you're just…well _eugh_ generally.

**Jack: **_What?_ For your information, a woman once told me I had muscles the size of Britain and was as good looking as Brad Pitt.

**Kate: **_*is instantly jealous*_ What woman? _*glares at every woman in the room.*_

**Sawyer: **I'll bet every cent I own it was his mother. Am I right, El Jacko?

**Jack: **_*ten minute pause*_ Maybe.

**Carletta: **What was with the ridiculously long pause? On second thoughts, don't answer.

**Charlie: **OOH! I have a Sayid related joke. Anybody wanna hear it? _*silence*_ Ok then I'll tell it anyway. Why did Sayid cross the road? To torture the chicken that beat him to it! _*laughs hysterically*_

**Sawyer: **Ok, A) that was a crap joke, B) you obviously don't get out much and C) I think Sayid's gonna torture you judging by his pissed expression.

**Sayid: **Why are people so scared of me? IT'S BECAUSE I'M BLACK ISN'T IT?

**Carletta: **No…

**Sayid: **Is it my hair style? It is isn't it? OH MY GOD! You all think I'm the smoke monster don't you? OH FOR GOD'S SAKE! It's because I'm not Sawyer, Jack and/or Locke isn't it?

_*He viciously lashes out at the person opposite him and Rousseau ends up flying out of the room and into one of her own traps. How brutally poetic.*_

**Jack: **Sayid! Calm down. You've just demonstrated exactly why we fear you.

**Sayid: **_*looks puzzled*_ Because I took down Rousseau? Surely that's a reason to love me, not fear me.

**Jack: **GAH! No…it's because you have a temper and know awesome, but deadly, ninja moves which could kill us all at any given moment. You're the equivalent of a bomb.

**Sawyer:** God it's always the same with you isn't it? On and on and on all day, slime in this ear, slime in that ear, spouting the same nonsense all the time! JUST. STOP. _TALKING!_

**Jack: **_*after a moment's pause*_ I'm sensing some negativity here.

**Sawyer: **I'm not even going to dignify that with a comment.

**Carletta:** _*quickly*_ So…anyone else have any queries for Sayid? At the rate this is progressing, we're never going to have the same successful session we had for Kate last…whenever it was. The time line on this show is seriously messed up at this point.

**Shannon: **Um, I know this isn't really a query or anything but I just want to thank you Sayid.

**Sayid:** For what?

**Shannon:** For not ignoring me. For not treating me like the dumb, spoilt American girl I obviously am. For loving me. _*smiles*_

**Boone: **_*enraged*_OK. THAT'S IT! I am sick of being ignored. We are getting our own session next week even if I have to pull an Ethan and kill you all off! Or… I could, you know, bring out Red Boone.

**Ethan: **_Pull an Ethan?_ What are you, five? I love how people seem to blame me for all their problems.

**Carletta: **Yeah I think we've ignored Boone and Shannon for long enough. _*sighs*_

**Shannon: **_Red_ Boone? What are you going to do, paint yourself red?

**Boone: **_*sighs*_ No, Shan. It's where I become _red_ with _rage_ and, you know, kill someone! Or use vicious rhetoric to get them to back off.

**Sayid: **Leave the talking to the grown ups, Boone. Go hang out with your BFF.

_*Boone retreats into the corner, muttering mutinously underneath his breath.*_

**Carletta: **Don't you think that was kinda harsh? He's just trying to join in the conversation. Plus he's on a cool vampire show now, and he's hot…Give him a break.

**Sayid: **_*in a sinister voice*_ Nothing I _ever_ do is _ever_ harsh and if you _ever_ second guess me again _ever_ I will torture you.

**Jack: **Jeez, how many times do you have to say the word "ever" to get your point across? God, repeating things is _so_ annoying. Why can't people just make their point and _drop_ it! GOD!

_*Sawyer's eye twitches out of fury. Carletta shakes her head in incredulity. Kate stifles a nervous giggle at the sudden tension that has befallen the group.*_

**Sawyer: **Again, I'm not going to dignify that with a comment.

**Carletta: **_*rolls eyes*_ Ok…this petty enmity between you must _stop_ at once! Can't you two just settle your differences and act like men?

_*Long pause*_

**Sawyer: **Nope! Not until that Jackass undoes his attempt to undo the things he said he could undo…

**Carletta:** ENOUGH WITH THE CONFUSING STATEMENTS ALREADY! _*pants*_ You're always the one who delivers these confusing statements, Sawyer…WHY?

**Sawyer: **Because I love you.

**Carletta: **_*blinks rapidly at him*_ Ha ha, I get it. Everybody's started this thing where you answer a question with "I love you" instead of the answer they ACTUALLY want. Fine, be infantile. I think Sayid's the most mature man here anyway.

**Sayid: **YES! SCORE ONE FOR IRAQ!

**Jack: **I'm pleasantly surprised. I wasn't sure he was capable of being happy, seeing how we never actually saw him _smile_ on the show.

**Sayid: **Can you really blame me? Our entire _lives_ on that island consisted of blowing things up, funerals, fighting with the others, funerals, coming up with insane plans that will never work, funerals and…and…more funerals.

_*Looooooooooooooong pause*_

**Charlie: **That is just morbidly obese.

**Sawyer: **Your _mother_ is morbidly obese!  
_*Charlie glares at him before bursting into tears and running out of the room.*_

**Sayid: **_*glares at Sawyer*_ And I thought _I_ was cruel. Torturing squirrels is a cruel, sick habit and I want you to quit doing it now!

**Claire:** _*indignantly*_ Charlie's not a squirrel! What makes you say that?

**Sayid: **I might be possessed by the darkness but I distinctly remember a day when he went around asking people for nuts, or peanuts, or something along those lines.

_*Claire turns red, knowing full well that Sayid is referring to the day when Charlie vowed to find her peanut butter*_

**Claire: **You know what…let's just go for the squirrel theory. He's a bit nuts to be honest.

_*Silence befalls the group after Claire's absurdly lame attempt at a joke.*_

**Carletta: **_*sighs*_ This is insane…and yes I _know_ it's Lost! What's everyone's favourite Sayid centric episode? Just to see if anyone here _has_ actually watched other episodes besides their own.

**Locke: **Orientation…no, The Moth…wait, Solitary! Yes that's the one!

**Carletta: **And what happens in that episode, Locke?

**Locke: **Um…Sayid finds a pack of cards and plays solitary? _*sees everyone's incredulous glances*_ What? _What?_

**Hurley: **I've looked through three hundred and twenty four suitcases and not ONCE did I spot a pack of cards you bald headed lunatic!

**Naomi: **You people are insane! Remind me not to rescue you.

**Michael:** Yay! She's joined the _regurgitating-lines-previously-said_ club!

**Sayid: **That is not a good thing, Michael, you fluffy haired, strangely annoying, treacherous, repetitive man.

**Michael: **Oh. No. You. _Didn't!_

**Carletta: **I think that's enough _nicknames for the insanity_, guys. All we've learned today is that Sayid is possibly, probably, conceivably, not unlikely, perhaps alive and that Locke thinks that the very first Sayid centric episode features a pack of _cards._

**Ben: **To be fair…solitary has a misleading episode title. It's like the episode, The Moth. We saw the moth for about thirty seconds in total and a whole lot of Charlie. _*Hatches upon an idea*_ We should totally convince Damon and Carlton to invite the moth as a main cast member!

**Sawyer: **That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. You'll be asking to invite the polar bears to join us next! _*scoffs and shakes his head*_

**Ben: **Your lack of imagination leaves me speechless, James.

**Jack: **Hey guys! GUYS! WE'VE REACHED 100 REVIEWS ON THIS STORY!! _*does a touchdown dance*_

**Hurley: **Er, we kind of knew that forever ago. Miles and Jin went to sort out the cake but, in all likeliness, they've probably destroyed it, or sent it through time or something.

**Ben: **We should invite those reviewers as members of the main cast! Or as part of my zombie army!

**Jack:** Enough about this stupid zombie army of yours, Ben! It'll never work and it just proves you're evil.

**Ben: **_*stares at Jack*_ Well that's _two_ plans you've now shot to sunshine now…

**Carletta: **_*through gritted teeth*_ Men are such babies.

**A/n: Thank you for your lovely reviews! Sorry this chapter wasn't as good as the others, I've just been a bit preoccupied recently. I can't believe this has received 109 reviews! WOW! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!**

**Big thank you to the following: Toribird91, Jemmz, D.D. Casale, wingster, javajive, Rocket Wolf, ILoveNeil, EasyButton, JSkaterfan,****txtinaroxx53****, hjr, LittleMissBones, Dance in the Moonlight, MyLuckyWhistle, Kab16, Voler Libre, Bellatrix Kale and anyone else who's regularly reviewed! You are such great people for taking time out of your day to read and review! :)**

Next session: In Which We Get a Spoonful of Shoone.


	19. Session 19: We Get A Spoonful of Shoone

Session 19: In Which We Get a Spoonful of Shoone

_The meeting, startlingly, is not in the cabin. After Richard's incessant whining, Carletta has grudgingly allowed him to move the meeting to the Black Rock. She still doesn't understand why – don't say anything but she's not watched the latest episode of Lost yet…_

**Carletta:** Howdy folks! Well it's been a while since our last meeting…

**Jack:** _*interrupts*_ Yeah, it's been too long! I mean how have you all survived without _me_ in your lives?

**Richard: **Did anyone see my centric episode of Lost? PLEASE TELL ME SOMEBODY SAW IT!

**Sawyer: **_*ignoring Richard*_ What's up with Metro and Sticks over there? I mean I know they argue like twenty times a day but _that_…that is just ridiculous.

_*We cut to Shannon and Boone who are, shall we say, preoccupied. Shannon has Boone in a headlock and is viciously ruffling up his precious, bouncy brown hair*_

**Carletta: **Oh _God!_ They are honestly about as bad as Nikki and Paulo, except slightly more tolerable. _*thinks*_ Actually that was an insult to Boone and Shannon, I take that back; they are _far_ more tolerable than Nikki and Paulo.

**Nikki: **OI! I'll have you know we had some _very_ memorable lines.

**Sawyer: **Sure you did, Lolly. Can I just point out that over half of them were either incoherent or the ravings of a deranged blonde? If we'd _known_ you'd said "paralysed", we would've… _*thinks*_ Actually we still would've buried you alive.

**Richard:** HAS ANYONE SEEN MY CENTRIC EPISODE OF LOST YET?

**Jack: **YO! Boone and Shannon! Some of us aren't getting any _younger_ here! You wanna come and do your session or what?

**Boone: **_*looks abashed*_ Sorry. Shannon just decided to be a complete and utter _bitch_.

**Paulo: **How come we've never spoken before, Boone? We both have women who are blonde, slightly psychopathic and who are dumber than… _*looks flabbergasted*_ er…something that's really, really _dumb._

**Nikki: **Nice metaphor…dumbass.

**Carletta: **I think that's enough conversation for dummies for now. _*sighs*_ Ok, Shannon and Boone…who wants to start?

**Shannon:** _*smirks*_ I'd like to point out whilst everyone else was helping out during the crash, my _brother_ was running around looking for a **pen**. Who does that?

**Boone:** _*looks outraged*_ At least I was _running around _and actually _doing_ something! You were just standing there screaming! For _me_ as well!

_*Sawyer smirks and then starts to whisper something to Juliet who cracks up with laughter. She whispers it to Kate who whispers it to Jack who whispers it to Charlie and so on and so forth…*_

**Carletta: **Excuse me…what are you all whispering about? Care to share it with the rest of the group?

**Sawyer:** Just being an avid fan and noticing that Lost throws a lot of parallels our way.

_*Nikki's brain explodes after hearing that sentence and not understanding a single word in it. Paulo's brain also explodes because, let's face it, if you hang out with Nikki your intelligence will be affected…*_

**Jack: **Sawyer noticed that Nikki and Paulo are very much the Boone and Shannon of season three.

**Carletta:** Really? The majority of us noticed that fact _seasons_ ago.

**Claire: **I don't get it… how exactly are Nikki and Paulo like Boone and Shannon? I happen to _like_ Boone and Shannon as a matter of fact.

**Sawyer: **_*sighs*_ Well, doll, there's the fact that at least one of the pairings stood still whilst the other was running around during the crash. For the former situation, it was Shannon and Paulo and for the latter it was Boone and Nikki.

**Charlie:** Does anyone else think those two couples should've really happened?

**Jack: **Would've made a lot more sense…and would've been better to watch as well.

_*All of a sudden, Richard steps up out of his chair and whispers something to Jack*_

**Sawyer: **What's the little pipsqueak saying, doc?

**Jack:** I don't know…It was an incoherent sentence, something along the lines of "Havoo seeny Latin epsode of lom" … Whatever _that_ means.

**Carletta: **Well I say it's a good thing we have someone who can translate utter gibberish. _*turns head*_ Over to you, Dan.

**Daniel: **_*thinks for a moment*_ My best guess? I think he was asking you, Jack, if you'd seen the latest episode of Lost?

**Jack: **Oh. Did it have me in it?

**Richard: **NO! IT DID NOT! Well, for a split second it did. But most of the episode was about me. _*smiles dreamily*_

**Jack: **That's probably why I didn't watch it all then.

_*Richard gets momentarily angry and whacks a newspaper against Jack's head. It makes a beautiful thwack and then echoes…for a long time.*_

**Shannon: **Can I move away from Little Miss Trigger Happy over there? _*gestures to Ana*_ She's making me feel uncomfortable.

**Charlie: **Yeah, I can't help but notice, _Carletta_, that you've placed all the dead people next to those who killed them.

_*We pan out and see he's right. Shannon is next to Ana, Charlie is next to Mikhail, Boone is next to Locke, Alex is next to Keamy etc…*_

**Carletta: **Hm, I guess I did. It was merely a coincidence.

**Eko, Locke:** Don't mistake coincidence for fate!

**Carletta: **I guess I had _that_ coming…

**Locke:**_*looks outraged*_ I never killed Boone! What gives, huh? I DEMAND A RETRIAL!

**Jack: **This isn't a trial, John. This is _therapy._ This is where we guys come to talk about our problems.

**Locke: **Guys don't talk to guys about guy problems! We just sort of…punch each on the shoulder. It's the American/British/Canadian/Korean/any other country way!

**Kate: **_*rolls her eyes*_ That's _stupid._

**Locke: **To a _girl._ To a guy, that's like six months of therapy.

**Carletta: **So…if you all punch each on the shoulder, you're automatically saner than you were? That's crazy.

**Boone: **Like… _*peeps through hands*_ HELLOOOOO!

**Kate: **_*waves*_ Hello!

**Carletta: **Oh…sorry. What issues did you specifically want to talk about?

**Boone: **Not a lot really… I've got a list. _*unfolds a list which rolls on to the floor and out of the Black Rock*_

**Shannon: **_*laughs cruelly*_ Oh for _God's_ sake, Boone! You didn't seriously actually make a list of everything that's wrong with us, did you?

**Boone:** Of course not…

**Shannon:** Good.

**Boone:** I made a list of everything that's wrong with _you._

**Carletta:** _*aside*_ Oh boy… this could take a while. _*to Boone*_ Ok, sport…what really _bugs_ you about Shannon?

**Boone:** She's completely self-centred! She never thinks about anyone else's feelings but her own and in the _two_ seasons she was on the show, she never changed.

**Sayid:** I object to that! I found her to be a lovely, sincere and vulnerable young woman. You never saw that side to her because you're used to seeing a different Shannon and that's how you treated her.

**Boone:** W-what?

**Sayid:** You treated her like she was incapable of the simplest task and like a selfish American brat because that's how you were used to seeing her. Did you ever sit down and ask her how she was _really_ feeling and what she _really_ thought about things?  
**Boone:** No, but…

**Sayid:** BUT NOTHING! I achieved a victory for Team Shayid!

**Shannon:** YAY! My hero!

**Carletta:** _*sourly*_ I could've told you _that._ You need to stop butting in, Sayid!

**Sayid:** Don't make me go all kung-fu therapist on _you, _Miss Carletta. _*stands up*_ See me in all my glory! See me rise above the others because I'm better than everyone else!

**Boone:** See me interrupt you because you're being a bit of a berk.

**Sayid:** _*produces a wrench and turns his head*_ See me raise my wrench and turn slightly psychopathic!

**Boone:** See me retire gracefully from all this 'see me this, see me that' business.

**Sayid:** See me say NEEEEEEEVER, because this is about the closest to a conversation we're ever gonna get.

**Boone: **See me back away nervously and hide behind Locke.

**Sayid:** See me smirk and wink at Shannon. _*does so*_

_*Boone stands up and raises his fists*_

**Boone:** See me try to get a quick punch in before you hit _me_… _*aims and misses a punch at Sayid*_ and fail… _*tries to hit him again* _TWICE!

**Sayid:** See me laugh at you until I choke. _*laughs until he chokes*_

**Boone:** I'm actually going to stop this now because this conversation will end up killing one of us, most likely me.

**Sayid:** _*looks disappointed*_ See me say "oh I rather enjoyed this 'see me this, see me that' business."

**Carletta:** See ME put an end to this stupid business before I go grey with boredom!

**Shannon:** Anyway… MY main problem with Boone is, like Sayid said, he treats me like my younger, more selfish self. I have actually changed y'know!

**Boone: **Yeah, right!

**Richard:** Never mind about all that… _has anyone seen the latest episode of Lost?_

**Shannon:** How are we ever gonna resolve our issues if you don't accept the fact I've changed? Oh yeah, I know why…because you _love_ me!  
_*Everyone gasps, utterly shocked at this latest revelation._*

**Sawyer: **That is a piss take, surely? You have to wonder what kind of lives these writers live. _*mocks them*_ "Ooh how 'bout we make a brother and sister be on the plane and make the brother be in love with the sister." _*scoffs*_ 'Cause that ain't a sick, twisted plot line _at all._

**Juliet**: Now, now, James…you can't help who you fall in love with.

**Boone:** THANK YOU! I love this woman!

**Juliet:** _*nervously*_ Steady on there…we've never even met.

**Daniel:** _*excited*_ We should make a wormhole and create a space-time continuum whereby we find a scenario where you _do_ meet! It's exciting stuff!

**Sawyer:** _*glares at him*_ No, Twitchy; exciting is when you fall in love or go out with your mates. Exciting is _not_ trying to bend the rules of physics.

**Daniel: **There's no need to mock me, James. At least I know how to treat women better than you.

**Charlie:** Owned by a physician. _*shakes his head*_ I can't even laugh at you, it's _that_ sad.

**Sawyer: **_*to Dan*_ You watched _Recon_ didn't you?

**Charlotte: **Oh that's right! You dated me, slept with me and then told me to go away. I completely blocked that out…

**Daniel: **I would hit you for doing that but…I'm too scared to.

**Carletta: **_*frustrated*_ This is not the time or session to discuss your issues with a physicist, Sawyer. Maybe way, way, _way_ in the future we'll give you two a session but not now.

**Boone:** To get back to the point of this session, yes I have accidentally sort of almost kind of fallen in love with Shannon. She's my _step_ sister though.

**Ben:** Oh, like _that_ makes any difference, Mr Carlyle.

_*Boone stares at Ben in a WTF expression. Ben stares back, his creepy eyes bulging, wearing a smirk and looking more deranged than ever.*_

**Boone:** Having been killed off in season one, I need to know…who the _hell_ is this guy?

**Charlie:** Haven't you been paying attention these last bazillion sessions? He's Benjamin Linus/Henry Gale.

**Boone:** I really need to catch up on this show. I watched it up until the season 5 finale and then I started watching something else.

**Charlie:** Ooh is it _my_ new show? Flash-forward?

_*Sawyer whacks Charlie around the head with a wet fish.*_

**Sawyer:** It's just any excuse to advertise that _show_ with you, isn't it?

**Boone:** No, although I do enjoy watching it from time to time. It's… _*turns red*_

**Shannon:** God, what a sad act. He watches his own bloody show, _Vampire Diaries._ Why? Is it because of the one or two topless scenes you have? Do you like ogling yourself then, pretty boy?

**Boone:** It's interesting how you know there are topless scenes in it. _*smirks*_ Why, Shan, I didn't know you cared.

**Shannon:** I _don't._ I just watch it from time to time to mock you.

**Boone:** Sure, sure.

**Ben: **We're wasting precious time on this adolescent _squabble?_ We need to focus on the heart of the mysteries of the show, the real, nerve grinding issues and the characters who we all secretly yearn to be shoved away for a couple of episodes or so.

**Jack:** You're not talking about me, are you? _*looks worried*_

**Ben:** _*in his best Dirty Den voice*_ 'Ello, princess.

**Carletta:** Getting back to Boone and Shannon…I can't even remember what we were saying.

**Boone: **As I recall, Shannon was just getting round to telling me she cares.

**Shannon:** Of course I do, you noob! I felt so empty after you died and it was something I could never get over. I even nearly injured my perfect arms trying to lug _your_ stuff off of the beach to save it from the sea.

**Jack:** _*quietly*_ See me wipe away a secret tear.

**Kate:** See me watch and run away because that's what I do.

_*Carletta whacks them both on the head with Eko's Jesus stick*_

**Boone: **_*hopefully*_ So, do you admit that you love me?

**Shannon:** No because I don't.

**Boone:** Oh I get it. _*winks at her*_ You don't want to admit it in front of everyone. I understand.

**Shannon:** _*glares*_ No. I'm not admitting it, simply because there's nothing to admit! I love Sayid, who admittedly forgot about me after a few episodes.

**Sayid: **I always thought about you! I wasn't the same after you d-d-died. _*sniffs*_ What about me? Don't _I_ deserve a _few_ tears or a cursory hug?

_*Jack comes up and hugs him*_

**Sayid:** NOT FROM _YOU!_

**Carletta: **As usual, we stray from the point. I'm going to make this simple and give you the brutally honest truth. Boone – you get weird around girls, like a stalker. Back off, leave your sister to her own devices, and _get a life!_ It's not gonna happen, sunshine. _*sighs*_ Shannon, you have to appreciate what your brother does for you. No matter how stalker-like he can get, he's family.

**Locke:** OH MY _GOD_! What _is_ it with you people and _family?_ THE ISLAND IS YOUR FAMILY NOW!

**Jack: **_*getting angry*_ I am up to HERE with you and your 'island talk'.

**Locke:** Well I am up to HERE with you and your stupid 'science talk'.

**Jack:** Well….maybe we're the same height then.

**Ben: **Is that a dig at the smaller people? Are you saying we're munchkins? Are you being politically incorrect? Do I have to massacre all the tall people like I did the Dharma folk? Am I asking too many questions?

**Jack:** Yes, yes, no, no, maybe. I'll phone a friend on the last one.

_*Carletta gets frustrated, like usual, and whacks Jack around the head with a pillowcase.*_

**Boone: **There's been a lot of violence here today.

**Shannon:** Well done, Captain Obvious! You are _so_ shallow. _*paints toenails*_

**Richard: **Has _anyone_ seen my centric episode? I ACTUALLY HAVE A BACK STORY PEOPLE!

**Charlie: **Don't we all? Yours just took a bazillion seasons to get on screen.

**Richard:** _*mournfully*_ I know.

**Shannon: **Hello? Still in need of therapy here! I was re-watching Lost the other day, as you do, and I noticed an interesting connection.

**Jack:** _*underneath his breath*_ Here it comes…

**Shannon:** Is it true, Jack, that you chose to let my father die so you could save a young, admittedly hot, blonde woman?

**Jack:** Yes but I had to consider the quantity of life they'd both experienced. Plus the woman had a chance of living, whereas your father had sustained massive internal injuries…

**Shannon:** Don't go all 'doctor' on me, Jack!

**Nikki:** Why? Because you don't understand half the words?

**Shannon:** _*in a dangerous tone of voice*_ Considering the hypocrisy of that statement, I suggest you close that big gob of yours.

**Nikki:** Hypocrisy, huh? That's a _big_ word for such a blonde woman.

_*Shannon pauses and then launches herself at Nikki. The two entangle, in what can only be described as a big, blonde blob. Everyone watches as the fight disappears outside the Black Rock and disappears into the jungle.*_

**Carletta: **I'm actually surprised they've not had any scenes together. It just seems like they should've clashed before.

**Locke:** _*knowledgably*_ That's because they were a last minute addition to the season three cast. That's when the writers decided they were a big mistake and killed them off in their debut episode.

**Ben:** H-How do you know these things?

**Locke:** I'm death.

**Ben:** Oh sorry… _*in a louder tone of voice*_ HOW DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS?

_*Locke shakes his head and decides not to answer.*_

**Boone: **What's the deal with the baby being born when I die, huh? And don't give me that whole 'circle of life' crap! I want an answer and I want it now!

**Locke:** Steering clear of the whole 'sacrifice the island demanded' speech, I think it's a pretty cool thing that happened. Symbolic really.

**Boone: **Great. That's what everyone wants to hear about their deaths…it was _symbolic._

**Ana: **_*glares at him*_ Don't be so _ungrateful._ At least you weren't killed off because you were the most unpopular character on the show! And there's nothing symbolic about getting shot in the chest either, so be grateful that your 'death' was that little bit more special. _*folds arms*_

**Michael:** I'm sorry, Ana, but weren't you suicidal anyway? I distinctly remember you saying 'I can't do this anymore'.

**Ana:** How does _that_ imply suicide? I was at the point of making a dramatic change in my personality, thus becoming a nicer person and then BAM!

**Jack:** Bomb?

**Ana:** _*in disgust*_ You and your bombs!

**Jack: **The writer's aren't very creative with their deaths are they? You might get shot, drown, die in some horrible, fiery explosion or become the smoke monster's next meal.

**Boone: **What about my death? It was definitely an ironic death. I survived one plane crash, only to die in another. _*laughs*_ Actually…that's not funny at all. I wished I'd hung around longer.

**Charlie: **_*wryly*_ Don't we all, Boone.

**Shannon:** My death wasn't exactly fun either. Getting shot by a trigger happy Latina whilst chasing Walt through the jungle in the pouring rain wasn't exactly a great way to go.

**Boone: **_*sigh*_ Only Charlie's death seemed to have any poetry in it. Dying in the place of someone you love seems like a good way to go.

_*Sun sits up, aware this is a direct quote from the Twilight movie, and attempts to communicate this to everyone else but ends up falling off her seat in all the excitement.*_

**Charlie: **Drowning isn't exactly a fun way to go, though.

**Sawyer:** Will y'all stop talking about the best way to die? It's a morbid topic and you're killing the conversation! God, it's like the death version of bingo. They just need to cover getting blown up by a hydrogen bomb and…

**Juliet:** BINGOOOOO!

_*Everyone turns to stare at Juliet, a normally calm and sane person. She grins and leans against James' shoulder*_

**Ben: **Now _that_ is an overdue reaction to being trapped on an island, seeing pregnant women die and being in the middle of those flashes.

**Charlotte: **So I get a nosebleed and _die_ and she goes insane and _lives_? I hate this place. _*sulks*_

**Carletta: **Because it's the _twentieth_ session next week, and we've not successfully killed each other yet, I've come up with an idea to host an award thingy.

**Sawyer:** Thingy? Gee, glad you're specific on these things, doc.

_*Carletta glares at him but manages not to hit him*_

**Carletta:** We'll have nice awards like 'Best Lost Character', silly ones like 'Biggest Cry Baby' and sentimental ones like 'Most Emotional Death'. It'll be good. I think after all the crap you guys go through you deserve to be recognised for who and what you are.

_*Everyone is rendered speechless by the affectionate display Carletta has just shown. Sawyer just rolls his eyes and Jack fights Locke for the tissues, in a sudden one man combat using boxes. Just…don't ask.*_

**Charlie: **Can I just say that - ?

**Carletta:** No, you can't.

**Charlie:** But I –

**Carletta:** Not interested.

**Charlie:** You're not being fair –

**Carletta:** Tough. Deal with it.

**Charlie:** I just wanted to –

**Carletta:** I've heard enough out of you, Charlie. Shush.

**Claire:** Carletta, I think you should at least –

**Carletta:** Nobody should have an issue with my sessions. _Nobody._

**Charlie:** _*huffily*_ Fine. I died for everyone and co-starred in arguably the best episode of season six so far, but _whatever._

**Desmond: **_*to the tune of 'I got a Feeling' by Black Eyed Peas*_ We got a feelin', that this love's gonna be a good, good love…

**Boone: **I liked that episode. Not that I keep tabs on you or anything like that. I'm a vampire now!

_*Shannon and Nikki return to their seats, both looking dishevelled and wearing scratches along their cheeks. They don't say a word as Carletta speaks again.*_

**Carletta: **If we can make it through at least _one_ session without mentioning those bloody vampires I'll be happy. I think, for now, we can round this session up.

**Boone:** But me and Shannon haven't resolved our issues yet! This is unfair!  
**Carletta:** _*snappily*_ So is the fact that Nikki and Paulo still exist amongst the season three DVDs but you don't hear people complaining about _that._

**Shannon:** She's got a point, Boone. At least we can be thankful that whatever problems we have, at least we weren't so unpopular that we were named the writers' worst mistake!

_*Sawyer leans forward, as if to point something out, but shrugs and leans back in his seat as he decides to keep his mouth shut*_

**Carletta:** There you go! There's a silver lining for every cloud. We can conclude this session and hope to _God_ you two settle down until, like, the fiftieth session.

**Charlie:** Do you really think we'll need _that_ many sessions?

**Carletta:** _*gazes at him*_ I wouldn't put anything past this loony lot at this point. _*Sighs*_ But they're _my_ loony lot.

**Charlie:** Actually_, technically_ we belong to 'Darlton' and the creative team of Lost. We're just your clients.

_*Carletta just glares at him until he shrinks into his chair and melts into peanut butter with fright*_

**A.N: Sorry about the delay in posting. Looking back this isn't really funny but it's something isn't it? Without spoiling anything the latest episode of Lost made me seriously depressed. I loved it – but it's the closest I've come to actually wanting to throw something at the show in utter hatred. Some of the things I wrote before I wrote the episode just seem really flat now. I'll get my muse back as the show progresses but still…Thanks Lost. You've temporarily squashed my muse. **

**On a positive note…THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS! ;) love ya! **


	20. Session 20: In Which Awards Are Given

**Session 20: In Which Awards Are Given**

_We rejoin the group in Jacob's cabin, whereby the seating has vastly changed since last time. All the couples are together and those who never had a romance sit together, smiling and pretending they don't actually care that they are alone…but they do. Carletta is a blubbering mess on the floor and the session has been temporarily taken over by a surprising – and disturbing – figure…the man in black._

**MIB**: _*Cheerfully*_ Hello, everyone. For those who don't know, or are too thick to have worked it out, I am the other woman…Er, the man in black. Sorry, I don't know _where_ that came from!

**Jack:** BASTARD!

**MIB:** _*Sighs*_ I will be getting that all the way through this I just know it. Carletta is currently a mess right now, after watching the finale so, just for tonight, I'll be leading this session. First of all, any thoughts?

**Richard: **I HAVE MY FIRST GREY HAIR! _*beams with happiness*_ I can grow old, the way I was supposed to!

_*Out of pure happiness, he leans over and kisses Ben on the cheek giving birth to a new ship… Bichard or Ren*_

**Miles:** HOW EPIC WAS THAAAAAAAAT? I wonder what happened to _me_ though… _*muses*_

**Charlie:** You mean you don't know? Say whaaaaat?

**MIB:** _*to Charlie*_ I've only met you once and already I can sense how irritating you are. Never, I repeat never, say that sentence again in your life.

**Miles: **I obviously didn't move on, so I assume I'd stayed behind to fulfil my lifelong dream of owning a petting zoo.

**Ben:** Is this a good time to mention I like bunnies?

**Sun: **I was disappointed that we never got to learn about the origins about the statue…I assume it's filled with a giant stack of Twilight books though? I mean that's what I'd do with it.

**Jacob:** _*rolls his eyes*_ The statue is _not_ filled with Twilight books.Nor is it, as Richard told everyone, a stash of pornography!

**Richard:** _*grins*_ Well, it would've answered the question about how you spent your billions of years on the island without losing your sanity. I made a funny. _*giggles*_

**MIB:** I can't _BELIEVE_ I was killed off – I could not _believe_ that decision! And to go about it in somebody else's body was just…sad. Genius, but sad. Anyway - now for the awards. I could make a speech about how good everyone was but, in all honesty, I really wanted you all dead. Sorry. We'll get the silly awards out of the way first. _*clears throat*_ Most hilarious and eagerly anticipated death – Oh God! Everyone knows this!

**Boone:** We do? If this is an inside joke to do with the time we weren't around then – Well, there's pretty much nothing I can do about it!

**MIB:** This is a stupid award but I might as well read out the nominations – Nikki and Paulo being buried alive.

**Nikki:** WOO-HOO! _*frowns*_ Wait…this isn't a good category to be nominated for is it?

_*Paulo rolls his eyes and tries to look like he's in the know when he clearly isn't. He's as fake as the tan he slaps on in order to make himself look good*_

**MIB:** No, it isn't Nikki! Ilana's dynamite death is another nomination. That was quite a shock actually; the fact that two people died exactly the same way, I mean, not the fact that a tedious and bitchy character was yet again blown off our screens.

**Ilana:** Well _da-amn._

**MIB:** Quite. And there's also a random dude listed here who got killed by Sayid's legs. Hmm…what a way to go – having your neck snapped by a lovable but dangerous torturer.

**Sayid:** Those were the days when violence actually _had_ a point. I don't know if anyone else thought this but I think the violence in season six was quite pointless. Had I not been influenced by the DARK SIDE I think the violence would've made a lot more sense.

**MIB: **Anyway, we are veering off subject here. The winner is – surprise, surprise – Nikki and Paulo! Heaven be praised that we never saw them again after season three.

**Nikki:** YAY! What do we win?

**MIB:** Well, for everyone else's awards they get trophies and things. You get something special – the option of staying alive providing you keep your mouth shut for the rest of your lives!

_*Nikki looks hurt and looks around but everyone dodges her look, choosing to stare around vacantly and pretend she doesn't exist.*_

**Charlie:** _*in an enthusiastic tone of voice*_ That is the smartest thing anyone has ever said about anything ever.

**MIB:** I'm an orator – what can I say? _*smiles roguishly*_

**Charlie:** I _beg_ your pardon? You want to have oral _what?_

**MIB:** Never mind. Intelligence is wasted on you, I see. Next award is for Most Kickass Moment Ever! Lost has provided lots of these.

**Sawyer:** Yeah, like this! HI-YA! _*does a karate chop on the chair and nothing happens*_ SON OF A BITCH! My f*#ing hands!

**Miles: **That chair just owned you man! I would laugh but it's just sad.

**Sawyer:** _Shut it,_ Chicken Chow Mein.

**Miles: **Ooh, using food from my culture as an insult – how original!

**MIB:** _*rolls eyes*_ Ok… the nominations are; Sayid breaking a guy's neck with his legs; Sun hitting Ben with an oar; the fight between me and Jack; and my epic attack on the temple in season six.

**Sun:** WOW! I'm actually in this one!

**Jin: **You hit Ben with an oar? And I thought _I_ was the violent one!

**Sun: **Yeah well, I'm more kickass than you. Sorry, honey! Plus at least people _liked_ me violent. You were just mean. THE TABLES HAVE TURNED NOW BITCH! _*laughs evilly*_

**Jin: **Ouch. Owned by my own wife. IS THERE NO GOD?

**Sayid: **What's the result? Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.

**Jack:** Wow. You come across as being a little needy after that, Sayid.

**MIB:** _*grins*_ The result is the epic fight between me and Jack. We could fight over who gets the trophy but I don't think me killing you _again_ will accomplish anything. We'll just assume I'll get it.

**Claire:** I'm a pacifist – or I _was_ - but I have to admit that the fight scene in the rain was pretty epic. But I have reasons of my own why I found the finale so incredibly beautiful. _*smiles at Charlie*_

**Sayid:** BLEURGH! That was me pretending to throw up.

**MIB:** MOVING ON! Don't forget I can easily turn into black smoke and kill you all…or, alternatively, pollute you all to death. It's a slower but more fun way to do the job. So don't piss me around!

**Jack:** I'm actually missing Carletta...

**MIB:** _*fuming*_ WHAT DID I _JUST_ SAY, JACK?

**Jack:** Oh what's the point? I'm already dead! Do it! Just kill me now. SMITE ME, OH MIGHTY SMITER!

**Locke: **Is it just me, or can you hear a thousand lawsuits being filed against us because of that copyrighted quote?

**Jack:** We've stolen a thousand quotes from other things, Locke, and _now_ you decide you care? You can't just…Wait a minute. I know if I say that, you'll throw it back in my face with 'Don't tell me what I can't do, Jack' so I'm going to just not respond.

_*Long pause follows that sentence.*_

**Sawyer:** I do believe that's the first intelligent thing you've ever said, doc. Do we have an award for the best breakthrough of intelligence on the show?

**MIB:** Nope. But the next award is an interesting one because, frankly, any one of you could win it. It's the Most Irritating Lostie ever to befall our screens. Note it says _Lostie_ and not _Losties._ Nikki and Paulo will be out of the running because it says, and I quote, "winning an award, even if it's a stupidly fitting one, is the best thing to ever happen to them and they should never ever get a mention ever again."

**Nikki:** That's a bit of a steep demand, isn't it?

**Paulo:** Steep? It's effin' vertical.

**MIB: **I'm really sorry but you've irritated me enough. I have to devour you, at least for the rest of this session.

_*He immediately turns into black smoke and chases Nikki and Paulo out into the jungle. We hear screams and cursing and then…silence. The MIB shortly returns.*_

**MIB:** Sorry about that, trouble with the staff. _*Clears throat*_ The nominees for the most irritating Lostie are…Ana Lucia…

**Ana:** WHAT? WHAT? HOW? Yeah, I may have deserved that one. _*looks ashamed*_

**MIB: **Arzt…who sadly can't be with us this evening as he has just exploded…again. And the third nominee is…Zoe.

**Sawyer:** Who?

**Jack:** Who?

**Charlie:** Say whaaaaat?

_*Sawyer thwacks Charlie round the head with a battered copy of Watership Down*_

**MIB:** She was the woman with the glasses in season six, easily the worst character to have ever crawled across our screens. Even Nikki and Paulo were more bearable and I've just destroyed them! The only good thing she ever did was open her mouth in front of me, which gave me the excuse to kill her off.

**Miles: **Ooh, you've got a lot of anger in you!

**MIB:** Well, duh! What do you think the smoke is, smoke? It's anger in its purest form.

This land is littered with failed rageaholics, hence the severe lack of smoke monsters. I only got to be so angry because my fake mother killed my real mother, I found out that as much as I wanted to leave and couldn't and that my so-called brother was in charge of making sure I never left.

**Jack:** So…you have just as much issues as the rest of us? Why have you never been in any of our meetings?

**MIB: **Because I'm awesome. Anyway, the winner is…oh. It's none of those three. Apparently, I missed a late nominee and the most irritating Lostie is in fact Frogurt.

**Frogurt:** What? Me? Why?

**MIB:** Firstly, for patronising the show's comic relief character Hurley AND trying to steal his girl in one of the Missing Pieces. Not cool. And secondly, you were never going to get anywhere with a name like Frogurt. But your death admittedly was one of the highlights of season five.

**Frogurt:** Thanks, I guess? What do I win?

**MIB:** Oh it's nothing really…

**Frogurt:** Aw, you didn't have to get me anything…

**MIB:** No, it's really nothing.

**Frogurt:** DAMN IT!

_*He explodes*_

**Hurley:** For old time's sake…Dude. Jack? You've got a little bit of Frogurt on…Oh never mind. I really don't wanna join the 'regurgitating-lines-from-other-episodes' gang. It's just not cool.

**MIB: **_*impatiently*_ Ok, at the risk of getting me so angry I explode into smoke again, let's move on. Over the course of the show, we've had a bunch of flashbacks that have made really good television…blah, blah, BLAH! This award is for the person who has the best back story.

**Charlie:** Say whaaaat?

**Jack:** This sounds interesting. COME ON COUNT-TO-FIVE STORY!

**MIB:** If it was in terms of who has the most mysterious back story, it'd be Libby all the way!

**Libby:** I was promised an episode of my own and they let me down. Well, at least they'd promised my back story would be revealed and was it? NO! _*sniffs*_

**Hurley: **Cheer up, dudette. At least we finally got that date on the beach. I remembered the blanket this time.

_*Libby smiles at Hurley and leans into him. Finally…a peaceful moment occurs within the group.*_

**MIB:** Ok, the nominees for the best back story are… Kate, for her fugitive awesomeness and a story that made us all understand her actions better.

**Kate:** I'm so happy, I could just run away! _*beams*_

_*Jack and Sawyer both roll their eyes*_

**MIB:** Um, Sawyer's in here as well, for his, and I quote, 'back story which conveys the life of a conman who conceals a broken heart through his gritty, nasty actions.' Who wrote his crap?

**Sawyer:** Wow. I'm a nominee? I didn't even have to bribe anyone!

**MIB:** Locke is the third and final nominee and the winner I might have to add, for his wonderful and heartbreaking story of a man who just got crap thrown at him from all directions. Stupid, mean, nonexistent God!

**Locke:** I won? Seriously? Wow, it's just an…honour. I knew the island would… _*stops*_

**Jack:** What is it, John?

**Locke:** I'm waiting for you to interrupt with an unfounded comment about how I'm stupid to think the island is real and that you don't believe in destiny.

**Jack:** Well, if I did, it would be an unbelievable act of hypocrisy on my part. Do you know how many times I've defended you over the last couple of seasons? I hate to admit John – well, actually I don't – but you were ri-… you were, er, … it's stuck in my throat!

**Locke:** I know what you mean, Jack. Thanks.

_*Carletta pops her head up, surprised at the lack of animosity between Jack and Locke. Her lip quivers and she bursts out crying again and goes back to hugging the floor.*_

**Charlie:** Hey, Locke! Whilst we're resolving issues about hatred that stretches back into the vaults of time, do you think you and I could…?

**Locke:** No.

**Charlie:** Why not?

**Locke:** _*After a long period of time*_ The island says it isn't time yet.

_*Charlie stares at him, mouth open wide in surprise. Then he shrugs and decides he doesn't care and goes back to ogling Claire, as normal.*_

**MIB:** Well, if you're all done with the soppy moment – please excuse me while I barf! – I'd like to proceed with the session. Biggest cry baby…well, there's no point reading out the nominees. Jack! Have a trophy.

**Jack:** What? How do I – oh wait, I do cry a lot. This trophy is an insult, an _insult._ But, for the sake of argument, I'll take it. GIMME IT!

_*Snatches it off MIB and cradles it close to his chest, resembling Gollum from Lord of the Rings.*_

**MIB:** Most shocking revelation. The nominees are – Jack and Claire being brother and sister; Locke in a wheelchair; and Ethan's double identity.

**Ethan:** If it's not me, I swear to God someone's going for the chop.

_*Ethan stares evilly at Charlie*_

**MIB:** It's Locke's victory again, are we really surprised? What a shock it was to see such an apparently strong man at his weakest and actually see the moment he could walk again. They don't make moments like that anymore.

**Libby: **They really don't, because they've ended the show.

**MIB:** How dare you outsmart me! I'd devour you but you're a likable character and Michael pretty much did my job for me.

**Sawyer:** How come the guy ended up as a whisper? I mean, I know he killed two women but surely the guy atoned himself by saving our lives on the freighter? I mean, we all did bad stuff and we never ended up as whispers.

**MIB:** It's not like you to take the moral high ground on this subject, Sawyer.

**Sawyer:** I know…it's strange up here, Man in Black. I'm not used to being up here, on moral high ground. _*chuckles*_

**Michael:** I don't get it either, but I deserve it. Besides, I get to freak the crap out of the people who next land on the island! How good's that?

**Sawyer:** How dare you enjoy it? You're being punished, scumbag! You killed two innocent women and unleashed Ben on us! How dare you talk to us!  
**MIB:** _*to Sawyer*_ Do you miss it, being up there on moral high ground? It's been a while since you were there...

**Sawyer:** It's cold and dark down here. I can see all your faces.

**MIB: **As much as I'd love to discuss the pros and cons of morality with you, Sawyer, it's time for the next award. This one is 'Best Death' – and I don't mean a death we enjoyed. It's a death the voters – whoever the hell they are – feel was the most emotional, the best directed, the best acted and the most shocking death. So, the nominees are; Charlie, obviously; Sun & Jin; Ana Lucia & Libby; and Daniel Faraday.

**Charlie:** If there's an award for least amount of grief produced when grieving please hand it to the cast! 'Cause from what I've heard, they spent about a few minutes crying and pretending to be sad and then went on their merry way! Sun and Jin – bless them – gained more reaction than me!

**Sawyer:** Oh just calm down will you! No one likes a moaner! God! Claire cried, Hurley cried, Jack cried and I died a little inside. Happy? YOU'VE MADE YER BLOODY POINT, OK?

_*A stunned MIB claps him but the rest of the group edge their way backwards out of fear*_

**MIB:** _*clears throat*_ And the winner is…Charlie! Here's your trophy. I engraved it myself. It's of a diving man because…that's all I could think of. Here, take it!

_*Charlie takes it and cuddles it and starts to declare his undying love for it. Everyone stares at him and then edges away from him too*_

**Claire:** Er guys? Why does Ben have a fish?

**Ben:** I decided fish were in and bunnies were out. This is Swimmy. _*displays fish with pride*_ If he displeases me, I shall do what I did to the Dharma folk and annihilate his species!

**Sawyer:** What worries me is that he's the kind of guy who'd actually take time out of his day to do that.

**MIB:** …and the winner of the weirdest, freakiest comment goes to Ben! _*sighs*_ Now I know how your therapist became clinically insane. The next award is for the best couple. This will be interesting. _*chuckles*_

**Kate: **There's no question about which it'll be – me and Sawyer. No. Me and Jack. No. Me and Sayid. Who did I end up with again?

**Sayid: **Certainly not me. Lost has made some bizarre plots – like the whole time travel palaver, ooh-let's-blow-up-another-bomb-that'll-make-the-show-end-with-a-bang-literally – but it has never paired me and you together.

**MIB:** You're very sceptical today, Sayid.

**Sayid:** And? Wanna make something it?  
**MIB:** God, no. Ok, moving on…again. The nominees are…Desmond and Penny; Jack and Kate; Sawyer and Juliet and Charlie and Claire.

**Miles: **Can I just say not only are all of those EPIC but they are also all have the letter 'e' in their names? Well, apart from Jack.

**Sawyer: **That was the most pointless fact from a pointless person! What did saying that achieve? No one is impressed! Well, except from Swimmy from the looks of things…

_*Swimmy is swimming around unusually fast in his bowl. I got confused writing that as much as you did reading it…*_

**MIB: **The winner is Desmond and Penny!

**Desmond:** YEEEEEEAH! That constant thing really kicked ass! Cheers, Faraday!

**Daniel:** _*in his first and only line of the session*_ Your welcome.

**Penny:** Ah, wow. I guess it goes to show you that it really is all about love.

**MIB:** Hear, hear! Oh wait, I'm not supposed to agree. I dispute that! Prove that this show is all about _love._

_*The session runs on for about a year whilst everyone lists all the 'love' moments on the show*_

**MIB:** Geez, you say one thing and then this happens! There's time for one last award, I think. Can't say it's been a pleasure being here because it hasn't. This is the biggest, most prestigious award entitled 'Best Character'. This is for someone who is consistently good, whose scenes are never boring, who constantly throws curveballs at us in terms of both plot and character development and whose centric episodes are consistently strong. It's John Locke!  
_*Locke staggers back in shock, falls over his chair and breaks his legs. He crawls and accepts the award in shock.*_

**Jack:** _*lip begins to tremble*_ But…but…but…

**MIB:** You would've won it Jack, had it not been for the Stranger in a Strange Land episode which was totally pointless. Other than learning what your tattoos meant, which we could've learned in a more relevant situation, we got nothing from it! Locke has been one of the strongest characters ever, with his amazing character development and his chilling back story.

**Jack:** You would know! You stole his identity!

**Locke:** WHAT?

**MIB:** No I didn't! If I insulted Locke's memory by wearing his face, you insulted his memory by calling me Locke.

**Jack:** WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU? SMOKEY?

**MIB:** Yes, because I'm part of team-alpha-super-cool-awesome-wolf-squadron! YEAH! I'd vote myself the most kickass character.

**Ben:** I shall call him Swimmy, and he shall be my Swimmy.

**Charlie:** Say whaaaat?

**Jack:** BASTARD!

**Miles: **THIS. IS. EPIC! I get the last line of the session. Well…er…I see dead people! That is all. That wraps up another goddamn session…

**Charlie:** Bagsy the last line!  
**Miles:** DAMN IT!

**Charlie:** Er…bye! _*giggles until Miles punches him*_ OWWWW!

**A/n: AWWWEEESOME FINALE! I loved it! Great in terms of character resolution, not so great in dealing out answers but I still loved it! Thank you for reviewing. I love you all so much! **

Next Session: In Which Sun and Jin (insert Korean here)


	21. Session 21: In Which Sun & Jin insert K

Session 21: In Which Sun and Jin (Insert Korean Here)

_It's a brand new day inside Jacob's cabin and Carletta is back in high spirits. Locke and Walt are engrossed in backgammon whilst everyone else resumes their seats for the session to begin_.

**Carletta:** Hey, I'm back people! Sorry about before.

**Sawyer:** S'alright, Sassafras. We know how you women can get.

_*All the women turn to glare at Sawyer except for Nikki who glares at Jack thinking he was the one who'd said the sexist comment.*_

**Carletta:** Today we are concentrating on Jin and Sun. Now first question is…are you currently on Korean mode or English mode?

**Sun and Jin: **_*in Korean*_ English mode.

**Jack:** Let's not focus on the foreigners! Come on, we've not talked about me in ages!

**Boone:** _*does nothing but hero worship Jack*_ Yeah…let's. I gave you _pens_, man! We're, like, totally in sync! We're the new Chuckle brothers!

**Carletta:** Except Jack doesn't chuckle…ever. And who gave you the impression you were _useful_ during the pilot? You plainly weren't. Now shush! The foreigners are speaking.

**Sun:** Oh so _now_ our opinion matters? Throughout the show we've never been part of the A-Team and only have rare moments where we actually _contribute_ to the plot of the show!

**Jin:** ….what she said.

**Carletta:** Ok, let's explore that. In the first season you were pretty much in the back seat what with Jin's dominating character. By the end of the first season, we did see a change in you.

**Sawyer: **Duh! We found out she could speak _English._ Who saw _that_ coming?

**Boone:** Yeah…about that. I have a question.

**Miles:** Oh God…

**Richard:** The little one is speaking. This can't be good.

**Boone:** _*ignoring them*_ My question is for Sun. These days you can speak English, right? And ages ago you couldn't speak English. So there must've been a moment where you not speaking English went away and you being able to speak English came along so what I want to know is…

_*Everyone looks bored and slightly astonished by Boone's failed attempt at articulating a simple question.*_

**Boone:** How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?

**Sun:** Do you mean how did I learn to speak English?  
**Boone:** …Yes.

**Sun:** _*looks awkwardly around*_ I was planning to leave Jin to go to America. I had to learn English so I could fit in.

**Kate: **So you were going to run away from your problems too? So you admit running away is a good solution? YAY! _*claps hands*_

**Sun:** _*firmly*_ I stayed though and I'm glad I did.

**Kate:** Damn. You're no help, Sun!

**Jin:** _*in Korean*_ You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey!

_*Charlotte and Sun turn to stare at him again. Sun rolls her eyes*_

**Ben:** He just said something mean in Korean didn't he? Was it about me? Of course it was about me.

**Sun:** He didn't say anything mean. He was singing 'You are my Sunshine'. Will these jokes about my name never end?

**Sayid:** I wasn't aware the jokes had begun.

**Jack:** _*sings*_ I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh! I'm walking on sunshine…

_*Five seconds later and Jack has ended up facing the corner like a naughty schoolboy*_

**Jack:** I'm sorry, Sun. Can I get out of the corner now?

**Sun:** No, Jack. You must stay in the corner until you've thought about what you've done!

**Jack:** But I've done so many things!

**Sun:** Exactly.

**Jack:** GOOD things!

**Sun:** I don't care.

**Jack:** I am your best chance at getting off the island and seeing Ji Yeon again!

**Sun:** Hello…I'm _dead._ It's funny but I'm Korean and yet you're the one who doesn't understand basic English half the time.

_*Jack's lip wobbles*_

**Jin:** Is he insulting my wife? Why is Sun yelling at Jack? I don't get it.

**Sawyer:** I wouldn't worry about it, Jin-bo. Everyone yells at Jack at some point during the day.

**Jin:** Jin-bo?

**Sawyer:** _*sighs in annoyance*_ Do I have to explain _nicknames_ to him now? I've already taught him the three things women need to hear, what more does he want?

**Jin:** A proper teacher?

_*Miles and Richard snigger*_

**Richard:** He has a point, James. You taught him the wrong phrases that a woman needs to hear anyway. Here's what I would've taught him: This is Richard Alpert's phone number; Richard Alpert really wants to make the babies with you; Richard Alpert is the most smashing looking man on the island. There! _Those_ are the three things a woman needs to hear!

**Charlie:** _*giggling* _Cor, what a smashing looking bloke. If I were gay… _*stops talking*_

**Sawyer:** What do ya mean _if_? _*smirks*_

**Charlie:** _*pouts*_ I've never seen this man before. I _drowned_ before I got to meet any interesting characters.

**Boone:** Hey! Am I not interesting enough for you Charlie?

**Charlie:** No. You have a fetish for pens and hero worship Jack like he's God.

**Carletta:** _*clears throat*_ Ok…Jin, you had quite a temper on you didn't you?

**Jin:** WHY YOU LITTLE - ! I mean…yes, yes I had. I'm working on it.

**Carletta:** Why the sudden change of character then? You could've been a really useful ally against the smoke monster and all of a sudden you've gone soft! I mean you tackling Michael was the best tackle I've ever seen!

_*Jin blushes*_

**Jin:** Thank you. Me and Michael have resolved our issues now.

**Michael:** LOOK AT MEEEEEE! I'M A WHISPER!

**Sawyer:** Whispers don't shout…moron.

_*Michael walks in dressed as a Whisper bar*_

**Sawyer:** I stand corrected. You've just taken stupidity to a new level, Mike.

**Michael:** Why, thank you. And I hope your huge ego gets deflated by a giant pin.

**Carletta:** I'm actually getting fed up with all you main characters. Let someone else put in their opinion for a change! Miles…what are your views on Sun?  
**Miles:** It's a big, round thing in the sky. Oh and it's hot. _*smirks*_

_*Jin rugby tackles Miles and starts senselessly beating him with his tie. Sun starts screaming in Korean, then in English, then in Korean.*_

**Carletta: **_*under her breath*_ Idiots.

**Richard:** It's not a very Korean name is it? Sun. Actually, it's a crap name in whatever language you translate it into.

**Sun:** I was nice to you! I'd been toying with the idea of hitting you with an oar and decided not to do it! Being immortal doesn't give you the right to be rude.

**Rose:** Thank you! Some decorum at last!

**Bernard:** I think being the oldest people here – Richard not included – we should give up trying to knock sense into these people. We'll just stay in the background and generally not do anything of any consequence.

**Rose:** Like usual then?

**Bernard:** Absolutely.

**Carletta: **Can I just ask Jin why you decided to stay with Sun and not get out and be a father to your daughter? I think a lot of people were angry that you died for nothing.

**Jin:** I love Sun. Live together, die alone, right?

**Jack:** YAY!

**Sawyer:** I wonder if every time we said the opposite to that a fairy that looked exactly like Jack would die. Let's try it – Live alone, die together!

**Jack the fairy:** NOOOOOOOO! _*dies*_

**Jack:** _*stares*_ Cool. It's not cool you changed my saying.

**Sawyer:** It needed to be amped up a little bit – deal with it.

**Carletta:** He's got a point, Jack. Anyway…what was the deal with you hitting your head and losing the ability to speak English, Sun?

**MIB: **He, he. That was fun. Chasing women in the jungle is always so fun. I've actually YouTubed it.

**Sun:** Bastard. How _dare_ you? I shall unleash hell upon you until you delete that from your account. What's your name on YouTube anyway? We can be buddies!

**MIB:** My name on YouTube is GetMeOffThisDamnIsland. You?

**Sun:** My name is EdwardsGal4EverandEver.

**Jin:** Pfft. Figures.

**Ben:** Mine is JulietnBen4Lyf.

**Juliet:** Cute, Ben. Real cute. _*pretends to vomit*_

**Carletta:** It doesn't matter what the hell your YouTube account names are! _*sighs* _Sun, Jin…what would you say your individual issues are? So far, I'm seeing a lack of them.

**Sun:** Well, Jin's got a bad temper and bad morning breath.

**Jin:** Sun bosses me around and hits me with an oar if I don't do what I'm told. Huh. It's a role reversal, almost. Except I was never a wife beater.

**Carletta:** You did some pretty bad things for Mr Paik though, didn't you? Why didn't you realise that your marriage was failing and pull out?

**Jin:** It wasn't that simple. Mr Paik is a mean man, even by Korean standards!

**Mr Paik:** Oi! I am right here you know! And that was very racist by the way. Thank you for opening the racist door for me. _*to Desmond*_ HAGGIS! _*to Charlie*_ YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM SUCKS! _*to Claire*_ YOUR ACCENT IS ANNOYING!

**Carletta: **Do you have a racist door then?

**Mr Paik:** Oh yes. _*grins*_ It's my new TV show. Hello, children. Shall we open the racist door? Oh look it's Ching Chong Chinaman!

**Miles:** I _beg_ your _pardon! _

**Mr Paik:** I don't know you, so I don't care if I've offended you.

**Sun:** That's daddy. _*sobs into hands*_

**Carletta:** What a bully. I know in-laws are supposed to be bad, but this is just ridiculous. How did you survive growing up, Sun?

**Sun:** DROP DEAD FRED!

**Mr Paik:** Oh no…

**Drop Dead Fred:** WAYHEEEEEYYYYY!

**Boone:** Whoa…who is this guy?

_*Drop Dead Fred randomly kicks over chairs, shaves Jack's facial hair (which grows back) and then exits*_

**Sun:** He was my imaginary friend. That was how I survived so many years under this man's roof. Wouldn't you need an imaginary friend to survive?

**Jack:** If you want to talk about daddy issues…

**Sun:** _*quickly*_ No, I don't. I had no daddy issues. I love my daddy. _*smiles falsely*_

**Jack:** Da-_amn_. I thought we could bond as well.

**Sun:** Nu-uh. We've really not been through enough to have a 'bonding session'. Plus your facial hair…it creeps me out.

_*Jin laughs hysterically, only to be slapped on the back by Hurley. Due to the combined factors of Hurley's weight and Jin's slim figure, he goes skimming across the room and lands on Mr Paik's lap.*_

**Jin:** Hello…daddy.

**Mr Paik:** Never. Call. Me. That.

**Jin:** _*gulps*_ Ok, sir.

**Carletta:** As a side point, why are most of the dads on the show so mean and nasty?

**Charles:** Got me.

**Mr Paik:** Er…THAT'S RACIST!

**Carletta:** How?

**Mr Paik:** …I'm not sure. But I'm in this session and I'm having my say!

**Carletta:** Moving on…Jin, let's talk about your history.

**Jin:** NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

**Sun:** His mother was a prostitute. It's a shame that never came up again.

_*Jin looks horrified at this fact and stares daggers at everyone who are snickering at that fact*_

**Boone:** Can I just ask how _Jin_ became so fluent in English? I missed all this because I was killed off.

**Jack:** You added no value to the show. You were marked for death.

**Boone:** No! That isn't true!

**Shannon:** Pffft. Get over it, Boone. I chipped a nail but do you hear _me_ complaining?

**Boone:** Yes. You cried seven times and asked for the miniscule bit of nail to be buried next to you. _*snickers*_

**Shannon:** How dare you mock my naily? Sayid…torture him!

**Sayid:** Hm. I don't know…it's tempting but no! I shall take the moral high ground! Sorry, Shanny-poo.

**Shannon:** It's ok, Sayidy-widey. I forgive you.

**Sawyer:** _*struggles to contain laughter*_ Too many _jokes._ Must. Mock. Shannon. And. Sayid. _*wets himself laughing*_ …Oops.

**Sun:** At least we weren't that bad, right Jin?

**Jin: **Why did you cheat on me?  
**Sun:** Oh don't bring this up again? You _know_ why?

**Claire:** _*gasps*_ How could you, Sun?

**Sun:** Oh stop pretending to be virtuous! You hang around with a gimp that gives imaginary presents and thinks he's cool because of it!

**Claire:** True.  
**Charlie:** I DISPUTE THAT!

**Sun:** Shush, you lest I beat you to death and drag _you_ through the jungle.

_*Charlie turns pale and quivers with fright*_

**Sun:** I thought that would shut you up.

**Ben:** I love you.

**Sun:** What?

**Ben:** Nothing…Just seeing you so powerful is kinda sexy. Why'd ya think I liked Juliet? Her _looks?_ _*snickers*_

_*Juliet lashes out and hits Ben so hard that he falls off his chair and is instantly knocked out.*_

**Juliet fans:** WOOOO! Finally!

**Sun:** Thank you, Juliet.

**Juliet:** No problem. Us girls need to stick together.

**Jack:** How did you manage to knock him out like that?

**Sun:** I don't know, Jack. How did we survive a plane crash with nothing broken? How did Shannon and Boone last as long as they did? How did I survive pretending to be a poor, defenceless, foreign woman with an overly aggressive woman? GIRL POWER!

**Jack: **That makes no…

**Sun:** _*screaming*_ GIRL POWER!

_*Jack is blown backwards by the sheer volume of Sun's voice*_

**Carletta: **I think I should intervene now, before anybody else gets blown away. Jin...let's hear your side of things.

**Jin:** _*speaks excitedly in Korean*_

**Sawyer:** What's he saying?

**Sun: **I'm not sure…It's not exactly all Korean. Some of it is Chinese, for some reason. Great. He grumbles about me learning English and then he learns it AND learns Chinese too! Stupid, sexy, non-vampire husband!  
**Jin:** I was just saying that I don't have any issues. Not anymore. Although I do think Sun needs to let go of this 'Twilight' thing.

**Sun:** WHAT? Are you kidding me? I put up with your crap and you can't let me have one little obsession? WHYYYYY?

**Jin:** It's not healthy.

**Boone:** It's true. Go for Vampire Diaries instead. It's _much_ better.

_*Shannon thwacks Boone with her nail filer and he crumbles*_

**Shannon:** God, all these men are such babies!

**Juliet, Sun:** Hear, hear!

**Carletta:** Granted, that's true but it's an irrelevant argument. Jin, take it from me you have much worse things to worry about than Sun liking a fictional vampire. Sun, you need to control your obsession. It's ruining your marriage and you also kinda need a hair style change.

**Sun:** Why?  
**Carletta:** I dunno. I just think you should, I dunno, plait it or something.

**Locke:** I'LL DO IT! _*runs and trips over the backgammon set*_ I hurt myself. I think I broke my legs…again.

**Jack:** Of course you did. You're clumsier than Charlie!

**Charlie:** YEAH! You're clumsier than me…oi!

**Sun:** This stuff wouldn't happen if Edward Cullen had been on our plane! He would've kicked the side of the plane and I would've been saved! _*sighs dreamily*_

**Sayid:** Yes, because that's what we needed on a long haul flight from Sydney to Los Angeles…a bloodthirsty vampire. There would've been no survivors at all!

_*Sun glares at Sayid and raises the oar she carries at all times threateningly*_

**Jack:** Jeesh, what is _with_ you, Sun? It's like you're on your…

THWACK! KABOOM! POW! BOOM! THWICKY TWHACK! CRUNCH!

_*Jack is dead*_

**Kate:** OH NOES! Jack? JACK! I need you! 1...2…4…5! OH NOES! THE COUNTING THING DIDN'T WORK! How can counting up to five fail as a plan?

_*Sobs against Sawyer's shoulder. Juliet glares daggers.*_

**Charlie:** You missed out three, love.

**Carletta:** Ok, calm down. We can fix Jack…We need a plan!

**Jin: **Grind his bones to make our bread. Oh wait…that's the end of a different plan.

**Sun:** We need a way of undoing time! Oh wait…this was all my fault. I don't need to be a part of this. HA!

**Richard: **TA-DA! I can fix this! _*flashes at grin at Claire, who swoons*_ My FIRST and ONLY grey hair can save the day. We just have to place it on his cheek and that should do the trick.

**Sayid:** WHAT? How does that work? How does a hair save his life? Why can't we try CPR?  
**Richard:** You buy all the other crap Lost throws at us! Did you complain when they said a computer had the ability to end the world? NO! Did you complain when they said a bomb could turn back time just by destroying energy? NO! SO. JUST. BE. QUIET. AND. LET. DADDY. RICHARD. FIX. THIS. HIS. WAY!

**Charlie:** _*very, very quietly*_ Lol.

_*Richard plucks out his grey hair and rests it on Jack's cheek. Everyone waits and then…joy oh joy…Jack wakes up.*_

**Jack:** Ew. Someone's manky hair is on my cheek.

**Richard:** No need to thank me, Jack…

**Jack:** I SAVED MYSELF!

**Richard:** You're welcome…wait. What?

**Jack:** I am the next Jesus Christ.

_*Carletta groans and rubs her head in annoyance*_

**Kate:** YAYS! _*claps hand*_ Jack is alive!

_*They proceed to make out, much to everyone's disgust*_

**Charlie:** Is 'yays' even a word?

**Locke:** Intelligence isn't your strong suit, is it son?

_*Charlie contemplates that for a while*_

**Carletta:** _*hurriedly*_ Let's get back to Sun and Jin here. Rewinding back, Jin how did it make you feel when you found out Sun had cheated on you?

**Jin:** Um…unhappy, angry, and betrayed?

**Carletta:** Why are you asking _me_ how you felt? I don't know what it's like to be you.

_*She has a flash whatever*_

**Carletta:** OOH LET'S GO FISHING!

_*She jumps into ocean and starts beating up the fish*_

**Carletta:** SUN! SUN! Nah, can't be bothered with her. I'll just go stare at the fish. I have an inane desire to become one of them…a fish person.

_*Flashes back to the present*_

**Carletta:** Um…that was disturbing to say the least. What's a flash whatever anyway?

**Locke:** It's a flash that goes in no particular direction. I would know because I had one when I was thinking about trees and how I'd like to be one.

**Jack:** _*under his breath*_ I wish you _were_ a tree.

**Locke:** And we're back to the cruel mocking.

**Kate:** Can we get back to making out now, Jackie?

**Jack:** YEP! I love it when we make out in the middle of dire emergencies!

_*They make out again*_

**Ben:** Y-U-C-K! It's so great I don't love anyone because love is for girls and girls are dis-gus-ting!

_*Gazes lovingly at Juliet*_

**Juliet:** Ugh. When did _you_ wake up?

**Ben:** No idea…but I had this smashing dream about ponies…

**Carletta:** Ugh. I don't think I want to know about it. Why can't someone talk about something intellectual for a change? Like…time travel.

**Daniel:** He said I've been to the year 3000. Not much has changed but we live underwater.

_*Everyone turns to stare at Daniel.*_

**Sawyer:** I'll take this one. Busted…really?

**Daniel:** Abba, really?

_*Sawyer and Daniel are locked in a death stare battle, until Sawyer is the one to back down, causing Kate to giggle uncontrollably whilst making out with Jack at the same time. It's a strange world…*_

**Ben:** He's got you there, James.

**Sawyer:** So? I don't care what y'all think of me. Apart from you, Blondie.  
**Juliet:** _*smiles*_ Aw, thanks James. Wanna make out?

**Sawyer:** This ain't anything to do with the fact the doc and Freckles are making out is it? Half the kisses on this stupid show stem from these stupid jealous rages you girls fly into.

**Carletta:** That…is a good point actually.

**Sun:** Are me and Jin being ignored now? Is that our session over, what little there was of it?

**Carletta:** You didn't offer much in the show, you're not offering much now! You're lucky you two are cute as a couple, else I would've lost interest in you a long time…

THWACK! KERPLUNK! SNORT! SCREAM! KERPOW!

_*Carletta is rendered unconscious*_

**A/n: Thank you so much! Your reviews are so touching and wonderful. I can't believe you love this as much as I do! I love you guys and gals so much! I'm leaning across your screens and giving you all a big hug. Lol.**

**Btw, big thank you to Unidentified Pineapples who nominated this story for the Quality Fanfiction Awards. Thank you so much! Next chapter steers away from the character's issues for the moment but we shall return! **

Next session: In Which Plot Holes Devour Lost


	22. Session 22: In Which Plot Holes Devour

Session 22: In Which Plot Holes Devour Lost

_Carletta has recovered from Sun's violent attack and is sitting in her chair, pressing a cold flannel against her head. Nobody seems to show any sympathy and Sun strokes her oar, looking strangely menacing…_

**Carletta:** My head…It _bloody_ kills! Now let's resume this session.

**Jack:** _*sympathetically*_ I know…bless.  
**Carletta:** Is that all you can say on the matter? _Bless?_ Thanks a lot, Jack. It's nice to know your fix-everything attitude extends to me too. Right, today we're going to talk about Lost's plot holes. Sorry, but no character focus today.

**Ben:** WHAT? How _dare_ you? You…you…you _mean muffin!_

_*Juliet giggles at the insult and leans against Sawyer for support.*_

**Carletta:** _*raising an eyebrow*_ Ok… I think we're aware of Lost's many plot holes. I'm surprised it's not been titled Lost: The Big Cheese.

**Miles:** Like what? Give us a 'for instance'…or we'll burn your dog.

**Carletta:** I don't have a dog.

**Miles:** Then we'll burn your cat.

**Carletta:** I don't have a cat.

**Miles:** What _do_ you have?  
**Carletta:** A splitting headache and an irritating twerp chatting away at me.

**Miles:** _*after a brief pause*_ WE'LL BURN YOUR HEAD AND THE TWERP!  
**Carletta: **Why do you try so hard to be like Sawyer?

**Miles:** _*hesitantly*_ I'm not.

**Carletta:** I'm sorry but we all saw Sawyer the _moment_ you opened your mouth. Even _Hurley_ said the freighter had sent another Sawyer.

**Sawyer:** I don't whether to be mildly offended at this or mildly amused. Considering I've lost my edge and contribute nothing to these sessions, I'll do both.

_*He pulls a face which is a cross between offended and amused. This frightens the guest polar bears and various other creatures that have wandered in.*_

**Ben:** I'm sorry….unless Miles is a plot point, this is really irrelevant. Damn…when did I start being more tolerant? Normally, I would just shoot you all and go about my day.

**Alex:** Er, hello? Didn't my death prove anything?

**Ben:** Go back to sleep over there, Alex. You were a nice character…while you lasted.

_*Alex glares at him and starts spitting feathers…literally. Hey! You bought the whole 'time travel' palaver in season five! Don't look at me like that…*_

**Carletta:** Resuming the whole 'bad Ben' image are we?

**Ben:** YEP!

**Carletta:** Can we think of any plot holes you want to address? Is there anything that wasn't resolved or anything you weren't happy with?

**Daniel:** Yes…I never got to try a fish biscuit.

**Carletta:** That's not a plot point, Dan.

**Daniel:** _*sounding mildly outraged*_ Well, it took up most of season three didn't it?

**Sawyer: **Try _no_ and then try…SHUSH!

_*Daniel looks dejected and goes to sit next to Charlotte, who looks unusually sympathetic and lets him rest his head on her shoulder. See? Not ignoring the cuter ships! So stop emailing in! Lol.*_

**Walt:** How about me?

**Everyone: **WALLLLLLLLLT!

**Michael:** What the _hell?_

**Charlie:** Not to be a _nudge,_ but I'm sort of out of peanut butter here. _*taps jar*_ Bone dry…

**Carletta:** We haven't seen you in, like, forever! Where were you?

**Walt:** Oh I've been here, enjoying being ignored by everyone and the writers. Oh those _bloody_ writers!

**Sawyer:** Since when did you start swearing? How come you're taller? Why isn't Michael asking these questions?

**Michael:** - Is in a state of shock –

**Walt:** How come my powers were never explained? How come I wasn't allowed to come back for the finale? – Is Angry –

**Jack: **Ooh…hyphens!

_*Carletta rolls her eyes*_

**Carletta:** I think it kind of reflects the show if our main hero gets so easily distracted.

**Boone: **Can anyone recap what actually happened to Walt? Who the hell is he? I've forgotten seeing how I was WRITTEN OUT OF THE SHOW! God, death sucks!

**Carletta:** And we're back to the first session all over again.

**Juliet:** _*all in one breath*_ Walt was Michael's kid who didn't like Michael at first and hung around Locke all the time even though it initially seemed like he was a strange wizened old man who would sell him magic beans that never would've worked; instead, they made a friendship which seemed like it was going to have spectacular impact on everything but it didn't and Walt eventually disappeared after his father murdered Ana and Libby and we only saw him twice after that. _*pants*_

**Sawyer:** That, strangely enough, is the best summary of Walt ever. Want a job on Lostpedia?

**Juliet**: You own it?

**Sawyer:** Yeah…I occasionally alter things on it for my own amusement.

_FLASHBACK! QUE CREEPY NOISE AS IF SOMETHING IS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN…_

_*Sawyer is typing. Where he got the computer from is yet another mystery to add on to the massive pile.*_

**Sawyer:** Let's alter Jack's middle name to Jack Isagay Shepherd. Jacob's date of birth shall be, um, 10,000 BC. Lost never gave us an actual date so…screw it, I'm making it up.

**Writers of Lost:** DAMMMN!

**Sawyer:** Now onto Facebook… Richard is in a relationship with Jacob… No surprise there. Let's mingle this up a little bit.

_FLASHBACK ENDS. THERE YA GO. THAT WAS MORE PRODUCTIVE THAN HALF THE FLASHBACKS ON THE SHOW. _

**Jack: **Ooh…capitals.

**Kate: **Is that why my relationship status changed from 'it's complicated' to 'engaged to Sayid'? You…you…you… _genius!_

**Charlie:** Peanut butter jar still empty guys…

**Penny:** What about _my status? _I put a really nice one down and now it reads 'Penny is thinking about Sawyer's chest.'

**Carletta:** HELLO? _*waves wildly*_ We can discuss the wave of Facebook crime later. Let's get back to Walt and his, er, super powers.

**Michael:** Can you fly?

**Walt:** No.

**Michael:** Can you shoot lasers from your eyes? That would make me look like less of a bad father if you did.

**Walt:** Sorry. No.

**Michael:** Well, can you at least not disappear every single time I'm on screen. We've not, like, bonded in forever.

**Walt:** No.

**Locke:** What _can_ you do, Walt? Is it about your Inner Eye which only got mentioned once and then was soon forgotten in the grander scheme of less important plot points?

**Walt:** I don't actually have a name for it. I guess it's kind of along the lines of telekinetic energy.

**Ben:** Energy huh? _*looks evil*_ I shall harness his energy and rule the world!

**Carletta:** I guess they couldn't fit you into the storyline, Walt. Literally. I mean, look at you! You're freakishly tall.

**Walt:** _*rolls his eyes*_ Haven't you all heard of 'growing up'?

**Sawyer:** Yeah but you take it to a whole new level.

**Walt:** So the island disappears, you all go back and forth in time, you blast open a hatch and subsequently blow it up but because I shoot up a few inches suddenly Lost has become crazy?

**Locke:** Yes. You weren't supposed to grow taller, Walt.

_*Walt sighs in exasperation and sulks in his chair.*_

**Michael:** Ha, ha, now he hates you too. Wait…

**Desmond:** I've got another hole for ya, sister. Why has no one bloody told me why I can survive cataclysmic explosions? There's been no explanation to _that._

**Charlie:** IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!

_*Claire giggles and falls off her chair.*_

**Daniel:** I've got a theory…but there's good news and bad news.

**Desmond:** The bad news?

**Daniel:** It's way more complicated and sounds less cute than the whole 'Constant Theory'.

**Desmond:** And the good news?

**Daniel:** I get to put on the SCIENCE WIG!

_*He puts on the science wig and parades it proudly.*_

**Desmond:** I'd rather French kiss a skunk than listen to another lecture about physics.

**Daniel:** So would I, sir. _*grins*_

_*Desmond stares at him, then decides not to comment.*_

**Michael:** Ma boy. Ma poor freakishly tall boy.

**Walt:** It's not like I've grown an extra head or something.

**Carletta:** Ok, we can agree Walt was handled poorly. Anything else?

**Desmond:** What did I _just_ say, sister?

**Carletta: **- Purr –

**Desmond:** Er…what?

**Juliet:** We never got an explanation as to why women can't give birth on this island. I tried researching it but never got anywhere.

**Daniel:** It could be to do with the fact that the bomb was deactivated thirty-something years ago. Just a thought…

**Jack:** Yeah but how is that possible? I mean we arrived on the island not knowing…

_*Gives up trying to work out the mechanics of time travel.*_

**Sawyer:** Yeah, ain't worth thinking about it, doc. You just get back to thinking about fixing things.

**Jacob:** It could be just the physical properties of the island. Maybe this is a place where babies aren't meant to be born. _*shrugs*_

**MIB:** Not this jackass again…

**Jacob:** HEY! I'm your _brother_ man. You could treat me with a little respect.

**Hurley:** Dude…didn't see that one coming.

**Carletta:** Brothers never seem to get along on this show.

**Sawyer:** Nobody has a brother on this show! Give me three examples and I'll hug Hugo. Oh, just to be clear, Jacob and MIB doesn't count.

**Carletta:** _*grins*_ Ok…Would Hurley like to do the honours?

**Hurley:** Certainly. Ok, there was Charlie and Liam, Eko and that Yemi guy and Desmond has brothers too. I remember it being mentioned.

**Charlie:** You have brothers? Who?

**Desmond:** My brothers are Desmond and Desmond.

_*Everyone stares at him in confusion.*_

**Carletta:** Wanna explain why you all have the same first name?

**Desmond:** We were a poor family…we couldn't afford separate names. But, to distinguish us by giving us nicknames. I was Des, my younger brother was Mo and my baby brother was Nd.

_*Charlie backs away slowly, suddenly terrified by a man with a family like that.*_

**Sawyer:** It's the three stooges gone mad.

**Hurley:** You owe me a hug, Sawyer. Come on – hug me broooooother!

_*Sawyer reluctantly hugs Hurley, but not before swearing silently at every snickering member of the group.*_

**Carletta:** Back to the plot of the show…

**Ben:** WHAT? THERE'S A PLOT?

**Carletta:** Yes, Ben. It shocked me too.

**Ben:** That is the _daftest _thing we've said yet.

**Carletta: **What? That Lost has a plot?

**Ben:** Yes. In the spirit of keeping things evil, I'm going to get down with the kids. _*glances at Aaron*_ Awww, look at da little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy?

**Claire:** I'm right…

**Ben:** FINDER'S KEEPERS! THIS BABY IS MINE!

**Aaron:** Gurgle. (Translation: What a schmuck.)

**Ben:** Mengagaigai.

**Aaron:** Waop! (Translation: Stop mocking me!)

**Ben:** Minikiki! Akanaha hatawanahatawaywop.

**Aaron:** Ooh. (Translation: Wow. You _are_ insane.)

**Charlie:** I vaguely recall seeing something like this in another movie, which leads me to believe we're probably going to get sued.

**Desmond:** THEY CAN TAKE OUR LIVES BUT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!

_*Carletta looks bored as everyone starts randomly cheering.*_

**Carletta:** Wow. A Scotsman quoting Braveheart. What a novelty. Throw me a frickin' bone here people!

**Juliet:** _*rolls her eyes*_ Let's get back to the session people! I've got another query about the show. Having never been part of the show until the third season, I'd like to know how you guys managed to blow up a computer that was supposedly there to 'save the world.'

**Eko:** Easy. Dynamite. Next question.

**Juliet:** I get _how_ you did it…

**Jack:** Then why did you ask?

**Juliet:** Because _how_ doesn't necessarily mean _how._

**Carletta:** _*brain fizzles*_ What?

**Desmond:** This is _confusing_.

**Walt:** Forget it! I'm going back into general ignorance. _*buzzes out.*_

**Juliet:** _*sighs*_ What I meant to say was that saying 'how' doesn't necessarily mean I wanted to know how you _physically_ accomplished such a feat. What I _wanted_ to know was how you _mentally_ did it. What ran through your brains at the time?

**Charlie:** A monkey in a suit dancing at a cabaret show at Butlins.

_*Juliet blinks rapidly at him, not sure whether he's being serious or not. It's Charlie. About ninety percent of his dialogue shouldn't be taken seriously…*_

**Juliet:** Well…thank you for your honesty, Charlie.

**Charlie:** You're welcome strange woman I vaguely dislike.

**Locke: **To be honest, Juliet, you're never gonna get a full answer for that question. I was slightly deranged when I made Desmond cave in to duress.

**Desmond:** _*scoffing*_ I wouldn't call a knife to the throat _duress._

**Locke:** Why that never made it into the cut of the show, I don't know. Instead they told us _you_, YOU, had made our plane crash and audiences everywhere _bought_ it. I know Scotsmen are portrayed as drunks and idiots but crashing a plane on an island…

_*He goes off a tangent for ten minutes.*_

**Jack:** As nice as that rant was, what's your point?

**Locke:** …I'm not sure.

**Eko:** See, John? I was right and you were wrong. _*turns to camera*_ That is why I vote Locke off the island.

**Locke: **What? This is not going to be another crap revelation where all our mishaps and adventures turned out to be part of some reality show? That's even crapper than if Jack had woken up at the end and it had all been a dream!

_*The writers quickly rewrite the ending, silently cursing the fact they never thought about an idea like that.*_

**Ana:** Why does that island have a BLEEPING heart? What is up with that?

**Jack:** ANA! You're back!

**Ana:** I've lurked in the shadows. What of it?

**Jack:** Wanna make out?

**Ana:** Ew, no. I don't go after men with baggage.

_*Every man in the room curses under their breath and moves away.*_

**Kate:** JACK! How _could_ you?

**Jack:** It was a joke! It was a _joke_, Freck- Kate!

**Sawyer:** Thank _God_ you didn't finish saying Freckles; else I would've had to kick your ass.

**Richard:** The island has a heart because…

_*He falls silent and everyone realises this is one mystery they cannot theorise about.*_

**Carletta:** Because…?

**Richard:** I don't know. I wasn't privy to that information. You would've thought that I would have all the answers but I don't.

**Charlie:** Well we're all screwed then, aren't we?

**Carletta:** The show is over, guys. We have plenty of time to speculate and work out the various mysteries the show has presented to us.

**Hurley:** Yeah, and in the midst of all the season six drama, guess what we found?

**Claire: **You didn't? Peanut butter?

**Sawyer: **A book with all the answers in it?

**Hurley:** Nope…Shannon's _inhalers. _Isn't that a cool and yet totally irrelevant find?

**Shannon:** Well, it's a bit late for that isn't it? Considering I'm _dead._

**Sawyer: **SEE? SEE? DO YOU SEE HOW WRONG YOU WERE?

**Kate:** You were still an ass, Sawyer.

**Jack:** Ooh…burn.

**Sawyer:** Ooh…shut the hell up!

**Richard:** You would've thought if Lost could answer a silly, almost trivial, question like that, why couldn't it tackle the bigger mysteries? Like how the _hell_ an island can have a _heart?_

_*He looks almost uncharacteristically angry.*_

**Carletta: **_*shrugging*_ Well, maybe that's a mystery we're supposed to speculate and tear our hair out over.

**Locke:** But I have no hair. _*looks sad*_

**Carletta:** I mean, yes, people were probably divided over whether or not the finale was good but if the show had answered _every_ question, we would probably have soon forgotten it. It would've been a great show but there would be nothing more to speculate over.

**Jack:** Exactly my thoughts!

**Carletta:** Considering you've been ogling Kate every minute of every session, your thoughts are nowhere near the same as mine, Jack.

**Kate:** I don't know whether to be flattered or slightly disturbed by the fact you keep ogling me, so I'll do what I always do!

**Charlie:** Run away?

**Kate:** Aw, you know me so well, Charlie!

**Charlie:** Not really…it's just it's become so predictable now.

_*Kate pouts and looks at Jack for help but he is ogling Juliet, much to Sawyer's fury.*_

**Previously on Lost Guy:** When will it work out for those two?

**Sayid:** Can I just ask again why I didn't end up with Nadia in the afterlife? Seems like that after three or four seasons of me waiting for her, it's kinda brutal that when we were FINALLY reunited, we only got nine months together before she was hit by a car and I ended up with the epitome of American blondes.

**Shannon:** I can't work out if that was supposed to be an insult or not…

**Boone:** HOW _DARE_ YOU?

**Sayid: **_*calmly*_ Oh calm down, pretty boy. It's not like you've not realised Shannon isn't exactly the sharpest knife in Locke's box.

_*Boone remains silent, causing Shannon, in a rare moment of comprehension, to slap him.*_

**Locke:** _*appreciatively*_ Nice reference back to season one, Sayid. Shame that box of knives was only mentioned once. Come to think of it, why did we have all that palaver with the guns when we had knives?

**Sayid:** Simples! Because guns beat knives!

**Jack:** And Sayid beats guns AND knives.

**Sayid:** Yep! You've got it, Jack!

**Carletta:** How the _hell_ did Sayid manage to join the legion of the undead? One minute, he was dead and the next…not so much dead.

**Charlie:** The legion of the undead…sounds like an EPIC movie title.

**Ana:** You think _everything's_ an epic title, Charlie!

**Charlie:** True. What happened to our shared passion for making up absurd song titles?

**Ana:** I retired.

**Charlie:** _*shocked*_ WHYYYY?

**Ana:** I just did. Wanna make something of it, bitch?

**Claire:** You can't talk to Charlie like that!

_*We slowly back away from this minor dispute and back to the main group.*_

**Hurley:** You know what would've been great…if Jack hadn't done the incredibly obvious thing and volunteered to be Jacob!

**Jack:** _*monotonously*_ It was my destiny.

**Locke:** Good little Jack. _*pats his head affectionately.* _I've taught you well.

**Hurley:** Sawyer would've made a good Jacob too! Just saying…

**Ben:** Hurley…are you being uncharacteristically angry because you don't want the job?

**Hurley:** Yes…no…I dunno! I would've loved to have known how I died though.

**Ben: **My guess is that a tree fell on you and, being the evil guy I am, I didn't save you like I did last time.

**Hurley:** Why are you being such a _jerk?_ I thought we had a partnership!

**Ben:** Unless you plan to be an evil henchman I don't think I have room in my life for you, Tubby. _*glances at his body and smirks.*_

**Hurley:** _*hurt*_ But you have room for Aaron? What does he have that I haven't?

**Jack:** Are you guys seriously arguing over this?

**Ben:** Aaron is special! But the name has to go. I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy.

**Claire:** _*shrieking*_ YOU CAN'T CALL A BABY SQUISHY! BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED!

**Charlie:** Yeah, _that's_ the part to worry about Claire!

**Ben:** _*looks unconcerned*_ I'm evil and I can do whatever the hell I…

_*A tree falls through the cabin and cracks Ben on the head. He sees stars and momentarily slumps in his chair.*_

**Ben:** _*dizzily*_ Ah, mummy will you hold me?

**Carletta: **Ok, I think we'll have to call it a day for now. Claire…take the baby and RUN! Jack, stop becoming Locke's pet – you _will_ regret it! Ana…just come out of retirement otherwise Charlie will just go on and on about it.

**Ana:** _*sulkily*_ Fine…bitch.

**Carletta:** Finally! I can get the last word in…

**Boone:** BOO! _*laughs evilly*_ I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!

_*Sayid knocks him out and then also laughs evilly. Well…there you have it.*_

**A/n: This session is dedicated to ToriBird91 because it's her birthday today! WOOP! Happy birthday pal! :) Thank you so much to everyone! Your reviews are just astonishing! I can't believe how many of you love this fic! **

Next Session: In Which Hurley Loses Weight (Ha, ha, just kidding!)


	23. Session 23: In Which Hurley Loses Weight

Session 23: In Which Hurley Loses Weight (Ha, ha, just kidding)

_Carletta is once again trying to control the madness which is Lost. Hurley is staring at the session title and trying not to cry; Sun is squealing after seeing Eclipse, whilst Jin and Charlie gather around the grave of his importance; everyone else is waiting for the session to begin.*_

**Hurley:** What a cruel title. You all hate me, don't you?

**Sawyer:** Calm down, Porky. Nobody here hates ya.

**Hurley:** Why do I get all this abuse about my weight then? I'm slim as a pin.

_*Silence echoes across the session. Everyone feels awkward.*_

**Carletta:** _*quickly*_ Well, Hurley, I think the issue is that you have been on an island for…a while and you've not shed much weight. _*trying to be gentle*_ All we're asking is…

**Sawyer:** WHY ARE YOU SO FAT?

**Carletta:** Thanks…Sawyer. I was trying to be gentle about it but I forgot gentleness isn't your forte is it?

**Sawyer:** My fort? I don't have a fort. That would be cool if I did. I WANT A FORT!

**Jack:** Honestly, Sawyer you have no class do you? You have _no_ class!

**Sawyer:** Says the guy who tried to blow us all to kingdom come.

_*Jack has no reply to this. Sawyer epically wins – again.*_

**Hurley:** _*pulling a face*_ It's not _my_ fault I'm stuck on an island which always seems to have food! I did lose weight in the beginning until that _stupid_ hatch appeared!

**Locke:** Don't listen to them, Hurley. You're supposed to be morbidly obese – it keeps the island balanced.

_*Hurley looks like he's about to hit Locke, whilst Sawyer conceals a smirk.*_

**Jack:** You're not morbidly obese, Hurley…

**Hurley:** Thanks, Jack.

**Jack:** They need a whole new word to describe what you are.

**Hurley: **Um, dude…?

**Jack:** You're like majorly huge. Like a balloon, only bigger.

**Hurley:** Isn't insulting me and calling me fat more Sawyer's thing than yours? You always defend me…Actually, you've never defended me.

**Jack:** I've decided to become a badass.

**Kate:** _*shocked*_ NO! NO! The essence of your character is that you're _good._ Don't be bad! I know I'm usually drawn to bad guys but you and I have a good thing going on! Don't taint it with your pretentious bad guy act!

**Jack:** It's settled, Kate. I'm going to be bad. I also need to stop being so damn sexy.

**Carletta:** _*flatly*_ Yes. You really, really must. This is Hurley's session anyway! Butt out Jack!

_*Jack, instead of crying, glares and tries to look hardcore. It, naturally, fails.*_

**Carletta:** So, Hurley…let's, er, talk about your life.

**Hurley:** Oh come _on!_ There's a giant elephant in the room I know you're all dying to talk about. You're all wondering how the fat guy has stayed so fat. The truth is I DON'T FRIGGIN' KNOW, OK?

**Charlie: **_*to the tune of Mr Brightside*_ It started out with a choccy bar, how did you take it so far?

_*BAM! Hurley knocks out Charlie, much to Sawyer's increasing mirth.*_

**Carletta:** Um…Hurley? Aren't you supposed to be the non violent one? Do you have daddy issues you need to resolve? Please say no, please say no…

**Hurley:** Not exactly. I just have weight issues.

**Ben:** Ya think? _*shakes his head*_

**Hurley:** Oh. OH! _OH!_ _*doesn't look particularly shocked by Ben's participation*_

**Libby: **_*angrily*_ Leave Hurley alone! He's a hell of a lot nicer and more genuine than some of you.

**Ana:** Bigger than some of us too.

_*Ana and Sawyer high five and snicker like children. Libby rolls her eyes and Hurley just holds his head up high. Charlie starts to wake up…*_

**Carletta:** Ok, calm down people. Do you still feel insecure about your weight, Hurley? Do all the comments get to you?

**Hurley:** From Sawyer…no. When you get called every fat name under the sun, you kinda get used to it. From other people though, yeah it does kind of sting. I try not to be…er...

**Charlie:** So fat?

**Jack:** Big?

**Sawyer:** Monumentally elephantine?

**Hurley:** I WAS GOING FOR INSECURE YOU BLOCK HEADED BAS - !

_*We've actually had to get censors in at this point because Hurley's anger is being vented out into every sort of swear word imaginable.*_

**Carletta:** Can you guys not verbally abuse my client? Can you just be _mature_ for, like, an hour of your damn lives? I don't ask for much you know!

**Ben:** You ask us to be sane and that, to us, is like asking us each for a million pounds. We simply do not possess, nor have we ever possessed, either a million pounds or a trace of sanity within our bones.

**Boone:** S'true.

**Hurley:** _*pouting*_ You know I've stuck by all of you and not done a damn thing that's bad to you…

**Sawyer:** That's not true…you beat me up.

**Hurley:** Like I said, I've done nothing _bad_.

**Sawyer:** YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER _**RING SAUSAGE**_!

**Carletta: **Did you really feel it was necessary to italicise, underline and capitalise that shocking insult?

**Sawyer:** …yes.

**Carletta:** Anyway…Hurley, tell us what your childhood was like.

**Hurley:** What? Er, ok. Well, my dad kinda left when I was ten. I think it was around that sort of time. He gave me my first candy bar and told me it wasn't going to kill me. Yeah…I think we kinda realise that was a line that was going to be extremely ironic later on.

**Boone:** To be fair to you, Hurley, we've all heard lines which now are stupidly ironic.

**Jack:** Yeah, my dad gave me the whole 'you can't be a hero' speech when I was about ten. LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm a hardcore, badass spinal surgeon who is a hit with all the ladies.

_*He flashes a smile at Ana.*_

**Ana:** EW! DEMON! DEMON! _DEMON!_

_*She starts shooting things at random, managing to kill two polar bears, shoot Nikki's wig off and mortally wound an extra. Talk about trigger happy…*_

**Hurley:** And then I won the lottery…Which brought me nothing but bad luck.

**Jack:** _*in an incredibly patronising tone*_ Now Hurley, a real man makes his own luck…

**Hurley:** Hm, ok, Jack. I won the friggin' lottery and, in the first month _alone_, my grandfather had a heart attack and died, the vicar at his funeral got struck by lightning, the house I bought for my mom burned down, I was arrested because the police thought I was a drug dealer and my brother's woman became a lesbian and ran off with a waitress. If you wouldn't call that bad luck, what would you call it?

**Locke:** I'd call it a bad month myself.

**Jack:** Um… _coincidence?_

_*Hurley bellows out with fury and then proceeds to smother Jack until he's back to his normal, weepier, less tough self.*_

**Jack:** _*sniffling*_ What…happened?

**Kate:** You had a momentary lapse of common sense. Mind you, what's new?

**Carletta:** _*sympathetically*_ Why didn't you talk to anyone about this, Hurley? I mean, God knows we've seen everyone else break down on this bloody show. You, however, soldiered on.

**Hurley:** I tried! Like several billion times. For some reason, no one seemed to believe me the moment I said I was worth 156 million dollars.

**Charlie: **If you'd just _said_ you'd won the bloody lottery, instead of being all enigmatic and crazy, we would've listened to you!

**Carletta:** Easy, you two. Now, Hurley, what, to you, was the worst moment on the island? You weren't always happy-go-lucky Hurley, were you?

**Hurley:** I've kinda got two. And both of them were when I lost people. One was when Libby died, the other when I lost Charlie.

**Charlie, Libby:** Awwwww.

**Sun, Jin:** WHAT?

**Hurley:** Hey, the night you two died also majorly sucked too. But Libby was the only person who listened to me and Charlie was, is, my best friend.

**Charlie:** I don't like how that 'was' came first…

**Ben:** Sorry, Pace. No hard feelings or anything but he's just decided to go in another direction. You know…by not having a best friend who's technically _dead._

**Charlie:** _*flabbergasted*_ You mean…you're _the one._

**Ben:** Yes… the one what?

**Charlie:** Never mind. If I tell ya you'll just get even more big headed and you're head will float around this room like some vast wobbly thing.

**Sawyer:** Which was formerly known as Hurley's stomach. _*laughs insanely.*_ His choice of shirts is also ridiculously lame. When will you get another shirt?

**Hurley:** Well if you had the _common decency,_ to go out and get yourself a proper _hobby_, and not hang around the camp like some _vast slug_, perhaps I would have the opportunity to take my top off and change it without the risk of you seeing my _nipples!_

_*The two men sit back to back, both of them huffy with each other.*_

**Carletta:** I'm going to slide back into the role of counsellor, if I may. Hurley, from being a comic relief character you've actually evolved into a lot bigger role. _*frowns*_ Nobody comment on my choice of words please.

**Boone, Charlie, Ben, Sawyer:** DAMN!

**Hurley:** Yeah, I don't know if anybody from the beginning foresaw me being the next Jacob…

**Kate:** Wait a minute! Hold the phone… I thought _Jack_ was the new Jacob.

_*She stares at Jack, who shakes his head infinitesimally. They then share a moment of great sadness, and then actually share a sweet and short kiss. See? We can have lovely moments here…*_

**Ben:** Me and Hurley are officially best buds now! We can stay up late, swap manly stories and in the morning? I'm making waffles!

**Hurley:** You've become weird ever since you decided to become good. I don't like the new you. I liked the old you who wouldn't just sit around and wait for things to happen…

**Kate:** Hang on…

**Jack:** This seems familiar…

**Kate:** It's almost like I've said those words before.

**Jack:** Yeah…it's almost like I've _heard_ those words before…

**Sawyer:** You two really are a match made in heaven aren't ya? Both as dumb as each other. S'like living with Dumb and Dumber.

**Kate:** HEY! Come over here and say that!

_*There's a brief pause*_

**Sawyer:** Freckles…I'm right next to you.

_*Carletta rolls her eyes and bangs her head against her chair repeatedly.*_

**Charlie: **Ooh, I've just thought of an epic title for Hurley! Big Wibbly Thing.

**Hurley:** _*sarcastically*_ Inspired.

**Charlie:** In all seriousness, Hurley…I love you man.

**Hurley:** Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love you too.

**Carletta:** Ok, ok, enough of the man love. Hurley, having recently been inspired by re-watching _Greatest Hits_, name your top five moments.

**Charlie:** This seems like a familiar concept…

**Hurley:** Ooh this seems fun. Ok, number five would be the camping trip I went on with Des, Charlie and Jin. You know…before the arrow incident.

**Jack:** Oh yeah! By the way, Charlie…you owe me some male bonding time.

**Charlie:** I BEG YOUR _PARDON!_

**Jack:** _*cringing*_ Not like that.

**Desmond:** Yeah, good times. Jin…now that you speak English, what was the story you were telling us?

**Jin:** _*giggles*_ You'd never guess. Ok, I was telling the story about the time Hurley wanted me to pee on his foot. It was the scariest story I could think of to tell.

**Hurley:** God, no wonder I got freaked. Ok, number four has to be the day Rousseau told me I wasn't crazy.

**Sawyer:** And you bought that, did ya? Consider the source fool! Being told you're not crazy by a crazy person is about believable as being told you're completely healthy by someone covered in spots and rashes and dressed in a My First Doctor play kit.

**Jack:** That sounds a bit like the first time I decided being a doctor could be fun! _*grins*_

**Hurley:** Er, number three would be the time me and Charlie went fishing. It was the very first time someone had ever sought me out for something other than trying to frisk me for food.

**Charlie:** _*laughs*_ Ah yeah, good times. We did eventually catch a fish but I really wish we hadn't, considering it was for a selfish bitch who tried to claim credit for it.

**Shannon:** Yeah…sorry about that.

**Charlie:** It's too late, Shan. No matter how many times you try to add me on Facebook, I'm not gonna accept ya.

_*Shannon pouts, not used to not getting her own way.*_

**Shannon:** Can you at least accept me, like a few of my statuses and then remove me? I only have six friends. All of them of which are Boone, Sayid or their multiple other accounts they've created!

**Sawyer:** I have about three hundred friends!

**Kate:** Only because you've added everyone in the world just so you can give them a nickname and leave them threatening messages!

**Hurley:** _*ignoring everyone else*_ Er, number two would be when me and Charlie got the van working with Jin and Sawyer. We made our own luck.

**Charlie:** Yeah…what people didn't see was your tantrum beforehand. He threw a Dharma beer at me and started to bite Sawyer's hand off…Oh wait. No that was just a dream I had.

**Hurley:** Dude…that's messed up.

**Carletta:** Actually, it's refreshing to hear a dream that sounds more normal than the show itself. Bravo, Charlie! Anyway, Hurley…your greatest hit is?

**Hurley:** When Libby, er, kissed me.

**Everyone but Sawyer:** Awwwwwwww.

**Sawyer:** Ha! The big guy got some action. Never would've believed it.

**Hurley: **_*smirks*_ I found Libby way before you found Juliet. Suck on _that!_

_*Sawyer, for once, has no comeback and looks shocked by that. He tries and fails to find a response but can't. Sawyer speechless = epic win for Hurley.*_

**Carletta:** Are we referring to finding the love of your life in general or just in the finale?

**Hurley:** Both. I need to epically win against Sawyer in _something._

**Libby:** Hm…not sure I approve of me being used in this way. But I am unbelievably flattered you thought our kiss was your best moment. You're very sweet and I think Sawyer should admit it before I swat him with this giant fly swatter I found out of nowhere.

**Sawyer:** _*through gritted teeth*_ Yes, Hurley. You're very, very…_sweet._ I… _like_ you and I do not in any way think you're…morbidly obese.

**Libby:** _*approvingly*_ That's better.

**Ben:** Ha! Libby finished in a minute what Carletta failed to do in twenty three sessions. Ha!

_*Carletta beats him repeatedly with a frying pan until he is forced to leave the session.*_

**Carletta:** I think we should keep this session fairly short and sweet. Hurley, there is nothing wrong with you. You'll slim down and be the envy of the island. You're the nicest of all the characters, you've never had a dull centric episode and everyone loves you. Why do you want to change?

**Hurley:** Aw, you're sweet.

_*Pulls Carletta into a giant hug.*_

**Carletta:** Er…can't…breathe.

**Hurley:** And that's how Hurley sees it!

**Sun:** GLEE REFERENCE! GLEE REFERENCE! GLEE REF-

_*Jin gently and lovingly sedates her until she is nothing more than a Korean blob on the chair. He then removes the Eclipse book from her hand and throws it to the smoke monster, which devours it almost eagerly.*_

**Juliet:** In my one and only line of the session…that is the weirdest ending to a session ever.

**Hurley:** Hell yeah! Suits Lost perfectly though.

**Carletta:** Agreed!

**A/n: Ok this was short but I hope you liked it. Your reviews are astonishing. You all quote the best bits of the story and I feel so touched you all love this story. I have a special treat for you guys. The 25****th**** session of this show will be the outtakes and bloopers of the first 25 sessions. The insanity will be so hilarious, I guarantee it! **

Next session: In Which There Are Others Part 2


	24. Session 24: In Which There Are Others 2

Session 24: In Which There Are Others (Part 2)

_Carletta is in her chair, simultaneously trying to calm an overexcited Ben and figure out who is missing from the group. Everyone else is doing their own thing, same as always, with the exception of Juliet and Sawyer who are alternating between bickering and kissing…_

**Ben: **YAY! There's a part 2! PART 2! Yay for part 2! CAN YOU BELIEEEEEVE IT? Part 2! Part 2! YAY FOR PART 2. _*becomes slightly overexcited.*_

**Carletta: **_*flatly* _Not really. We didn't really get a lot accomplished last time so, in order to direct attention away from the main group of loonies, I thought we'd get back to the 'Other' loonies. Ha. I made a pun. _*briefly laughs then frowns* _Who the hell is missing? It's been bugging me for ages.

**Kate: **Jack and Charlie. They're having 'male bonding time'. Said something about going on a camping trip.

**Carletta: **Ugh. I take it they won't be joining us then? Good.

**Sawyer: **_*loudly* _HEY! No one gets to bully the doc or Chucky except us! You don't belong here! You never crashed on the island or featured on the show at all!

**Carletta: **I don't know whether you have any right to judge me, Sawyer, based on the fact you're wearing a pink shirt and have your hair tied in pretty little bows. _*grins impishly*_

_*Sawyer promptly checks the mirror he carries around with him - don't ask - and sees she's telling the truth. He's been done up to look like a little girl. Awwwwww…*_

**Sawyer: **DAMN IT, JULIET!

**Juliet: **I would say I'm sorry but I'm not.

**Sawyer: **And I should feel sorry that you're not sorry but I don't.

**Richard: **We never did establish if I was classed as an 'Other' or not? Or am I just an unknown, like Juliet? WHAT AM I? _*panics*_

**Carletta: **Ugh. I'm not going through this whole 'what team do I bat for?' thing again.

**Sawyer: **HA! _*giggles like a little girl*_

**Carletta: **Grow up, Sawyer. That's not what I meant and you know it.

**Ben: **So…can we get this session going please? PLEASE? I have lots to share with the entire group.

**Carletta: **Oh…goody.

**Ben: **I get the slightest hint you're not entirely thrilled by that idea. Has everyone forgotten I've turned back to badass Ben now?

**Carletta: **_*sighs* _I'm going to start this with Tom, or Mr Friendly. Quite ironic seeing how you really don't look friendly with your beard on and…stuff.

**Tom: **Well done. You got the joke.

**Michael: **If you were gay, I'd shout HOORAY!

_*Tom knocks out Michael with his belly, shooting him across the room and through the wall of the cabin. Sawyer looks strangely impressed by this.*_

**Carletta: **_*trying her best to appear friendly* _Ok, Tom, enlighten us. What are you all about?

**Tom: **I am friendly - I just get paid not to be.

**Jin: **HINKY PINKY PONKY PONYYYYYYY!

_*Everyone turns to stare at Jin in bewilderment. Sun, however, looks used to this.*_

**Carletta: **Er…translation?

**Sun: **He says 'me too'.

**Sawyer: **I highly doubt that…

**Sun: **KUNG FU SUN! _*randomly starts chopping things in half with her head* _You should _never _doubt my word! I'm badass.

**Ben: **Yay! I can be badass with someone else! YAY FOR BADASSES!

**Juliet:** In another context, what you just said would be completely and absolutely inappropriate. I feel like smashing another glass out of your hand.

**Tom: **Should I not bother speaking? I generally never get a word in anyway so…

**Carletta: **No! Don't leave me with the loonies, I beg you! Give me a memory we've not seen on the show. Anything. Just drown out Ben's plans to become a badass and the sound of Sun breaking chairs with her head. PEOPLE NEED THE CHAIRS!

_*Carletta looks out of breath and slightly red faced. Jack and Charlie re-enter the cabin*_

**Charlie, Jack: **We're back…

**Carletta: **NO! NO! NO! GET OUT! GET OUT! We're trying to establish normality here and you're ruining that!

_*Carletta head butts Charlie and Jack back out of the cabin and then glares around at the rest of the room and proceeds to lock the door.*_

**Carletta: **Go ahead, Tom. SPEAK! These nutters won't interrupt again, or I shall get every single one of them, seal them in concrete, and dump them in the Pacific.

**Ben: **May I just point out the flaw in your plan?

**Carletta: **NO!

**Ben: **Fair enough. Oh, wait, I'm supposed to be badass. UNFAIR enough. Ha.

**Carletta: **_*flatly* _Ouch. You sure showed me. _*rolls her eyes* _What was it like being part of the 'Others', Tom?

**Tom: **_*grinning widely* _Well, I'm glad you asked…

_*Desmond suddenly rushes in and bursts open the apparently 'locked' door, not that anyone was aware he was missing. He looks panicky and quickly shoves Tom out of the way as he rushes to be the centre of attention.*_

**Desmond: **Quick, brothers…and sisters. Jack's got his head stuck in the sand.

**Carletta: **What? _Again? _

**Desmond: **Aye. He came up with this plan to tunnel his way back into the cabin but he fell and now…he's stuck. Charlie's trying to help him but…well, we need a hundred men or more to get his head free.

**Sawyer: **HA! I can't even find the words to mock him.

_*He rolls around laughing and then chokes to death, causing Juliet to rush to his rescue. She revives him and he laughs some more…It's a vicious circle.*_

**Kate: **I've got a plan!

_*Everyone looks relieved - until they __realize what it is.*_

**Carletta: **What'll we need for this plan of yours, Kate? Rope? Cranes? Other items we probably won't be able to find?

**Kate: **No, my plan is simple. We…count to five.

_*Silence.*_

_*Yet more silence*_

_*So much more silence that it becomes unbearable*_

**Carletta: **Since no one else has questioned this yet…_what does counting to five achieve?_

**Kate: **Jack said it; ergo it makes sense in any situation.

**Carletta: **Considering this is the same guy who tried to blow up a hydrogen bomb and has got his head stuck in the sand, I'd treat his ideas with extreme caution. _*pauses* _Alright, everyone who's not an 'Other' go and help pull Jack's head out of the sand.

**Kate: **YAY! And we can count to five all the way!

_*She skips out, promptly followed by everyone else except the 'Others'.*_

**Pickett: **Er…this is weird. It's a lot quieter.

**Carletta: **_*dreamily* _Isn't it just? We better make the most of it though. Ok, Tom…Where's he gone?

**Ben: **He said something about hating being pushed around and then left. Shame really but oh well. Just means more talking to be done by me.

**Carletta: **Ok, who's first?

**Ben: **Me! Me! Pick me!

**Carletta: **No volunteers? None at all?

**Ben: **HAND. RAISED. TAKE. THE. HINT.

**Carletta: **Fine, I'll just have to go alphabetically…

**Ben: **Yay!

**Carletta: **Alex…

**Ben: **DAMN IT!

**Alex: **I don't think I am an 'Other', ya know. I hated everybody there. Except Juliet…who I've noticed isn't here. Guess we know what team she's on.

_*Ben looks sad.*_

**Carletta: **Well, you're here and that's all that counts.

**Aldo: **Wait a minute…I'm an 'Other' and I come before Alex!

**Carletta: **_*stares blankly at him* _Who are you?

**Aldo: **_*sighs with frustration* _I'm the guy who got beaten up by that evil Kate! The one who was just trying to do his _job _and got betrayed by Alex! Nobody showed me an ounce of sympathy!

**Alex: **Get over it, Aldo. Everyone else has.

**Carletta: **We only saw you twice, if that. I don't really think you're that important in the whole scale of things. Unless you have an issue that has had a MAJOR impact on everyone else, I suggest you go back to sleep.

**Ben: **_*nastily* _Yeah…Aldo Baldo. Hey…I'm not bad at this whole nickname thing.

_*Carletta rolls her eyes and Alex looks incredulously at him, before deciding she doesn't really care, being a teenager and all.*_

**Carletta: **Ok, Alex…you were killed off in season four right?

**Alex: **Yeah…I think we established that in part 1. You know what though? The bullet was absolutely nothing compared to the pain I felt when I thought you didn't love me, Ben.

_*Ben's lip begins to wobble like Jack's and his expression is tortured.*_

**Ben: **Alex….you're making it very hard for me to be a badass. Please…

**Alex: **_*glares* _I thought I was your 'little girl'. I know I behaved horribly to you, but that was because you weren't exactly Prince Nice were you?

**Ben: **Alex…you're gonna make me cry like Jack if you keep going like this. You don't want to see me when I'm like _Jack._

**Locke: **For shame, Alex. For shame. Your dad became good in the end. I don't even think he was really evil…What?

_*He notices everyone is staring at him.*_

**Carletta: **You're not an 'Other', John.

**Locke: **I know…I'm _this _John. I don't know about there being another John…

**Carletta: **No…I meant an _Other _Other John.

**Locke: **Another other John? You mean there's a John who's an Other?

**Carletta: **_*growls in frustration* _Look, this is getting us absolutely nowhere! The point is - why are you here?

**Locke: **_*confusedly* _So that I can get mentally better!

_*Carletta bangs her head against the wall and this is the moment when everyone else - including Jack and Charlie - re-enters the room, much to her despair.*_

**Jack: **_*happily* _I'm back and look…I'm not stuck anymore! It wasn't my destiny to get stuck, otherwise I would've… _*falters as Carletta turns her glare on him.* _Never mind…

**Charlie: **What did we miss?

**Ben: **I'm a badass! _*cries* _

**Carletta: **_*in a stage whisper* _He's going through the motions. I don't think he knows what he wants to be…

**Jin: **Toast!

**Carletta: **….what?

**Sun: **He said…

**Sawyer: **Let me guess, Sunshine. He said 'toast'?

**Sun: **Yes…how did you know? Do you speak Korean?

**Sawyer: **Was just a lucky guess. So…whose head we shrinking right now? How 'bout Chinatown?

**Carletta: **Who? Oh…Pickett. Hey.

**Pickett: **S'up.

**Goodwin: **He has a habit of saying that, just to warn you.

**Pickett: **S'up, Goodwin, s'up.

**Goodwin: **You're not nineteen anymore, Danny! It just doesn't sound cool coming out of the mouth of a forty year old.

**Ethan:** Lol.

**Goodwin:** _*sigh*_ Do I have to lecture you too, Ethan? Who'd have thought some of us 'Others', as you so aptly call us, have an immature side?

**Pickett:** We are multiple versions of Eminem. _*proceeds to rap*_

_Yo, I'm the Pic-Dog, and this is how I roll  
You got beef with me, you can kiss my A double S hole!_

_*Jin proceeds to applause quite voraciously, whilst everyone else alternates between laughing and looking bewildered.*_

**Ben: **And _that_ is why we don't allow Pickett to talk for too long! _*shakes head*_ I mean talk about Draconian.

**Jack:** I can't. I don't know what it means.

**Ben:** Huh. Neither do I.

**Carletta:** _*rolls eyes*_ Ok, if we can just get back to the session PLEASE, I'd like to point out that Goodwin's hit upon a good point.

**Goodwin:** I have? I mean…I have! All hail me!

**Carletta:** You're probably taking it a little too far…

**Goodwin:** King Goodwin.

**Carletta:** Yeah, it's probably best if you stop talking.

**Goodwin:** I have the best ideas EVER!

**Ana:** Hm, seems like allowing me to come with you that day wasn't such a good idea was it? I killed you.

_*Goodwin is owned by Ana…again.*_

**Carletta:** The point I wanted to say was that you 'losties', as people call you, don't know exactly what each individual 'Other's is really like. You generalized them all as being evil, kidnapping maniacs. You are as much to blame for the war you started in season…whatever as they were.

**Ethan:** Charlie killed me and so it's his entire fault.

**Charlie:** But…

**Ethan:** NO!

**Charlie:** I'd just like to point out you…

**Ethan:** I DID NOTHING! I WAS GARDENING!

**Charlie:** Oh so you just happened to…

**Ethan:** _*in Charlie's face*_ GARDENING!

**Carletta:** Yeah, right. Since when have _you_ been a gardening man?

**Ethan:** Since thirty seconds ago.

**Ben:** All this tension and disputing makes me very pleased. _*cackles*_ Now I just need to come up with another callous remark which will make the people who believed I was good suddenly declare that I'm a badass.

**Locke****: **Ok, can you not be ambiguous and creepy for like one second of your friggin' life! It gives us all headaches trying to figure you out.

**Carletta: **You and Locke have a very interesting relationship, don't you Ben? You both seem to vie for control. I think I heard someone call it a power struggle once.

**Ben: **Yes, I did envy Locke because he was 'special'. Still do as a matter of fact. Is it wrong that every time I see his shiny bald head, I want to paint polka dots on it? Or some kind of smiley face on it?

**Carletta:** That is…disturbing. All my years as a professional…whatever, I've never heard anyone say they hate a man so much they want to draw on his head. I've heard death threats yes – oh you wouldn't believe how much the cast of _Lord of the Rings_ actually hated each other – but not stuff like that.

_*__Queue flashback music.*_

**Gimli: **I HATE ELVES! I WANT TO STICK MY AXE UP YOUR…!

**Frodo: **_*whining*_ That circle thing is giving me a headache…

**Gandalf:** That's called a _ring_, Frodo. It's the thing you're going to destroy once you stop whining on like a little girl.

**Frodo:** You look like a pedophile with that whole 'beard' thing. Have a shave!

**Merry:** _*smugly*_ I may have a name that sounds like a _girl's_ but at least I have luscious long locks.

**Pippin:** You know what they say about hobbits with curly hair don't you, Merry?

**Merry:** Why you - ! _*proceeds to strangle him*_

_*And we're back to the present…thank God.*_

**Carletta: **_*shudders*_ Bad times…

**Ben:** Even before I was in the show, I knew Locke was going to be an important character in the mix. When I saw him put that fruit in his mouth and smile…I knew it was for real. _*smiles dreamily*_

_*Everyone else backs away slowly.*_

**Locke:** I had an orange and I eated it. _*grins*_

**Kate:** It freaked me out! A man eating an orange and _smiling_! Oh, it's just _unheard of!_ Everything else I could deal with but that…that was the freakiest thing I'd ever seen. _*grins*_ I can be so silly and yet so AWESOME at the same time.

**Sawyer:** Hell yeah, you can, Freckles. _*catches Juliet's expression*_ I mean…you most certainly can _not_.

_*Kate raises an eyebrow at him and he smiles sheepishly at her, sneaking in a quick wink whilst Juliet talks to Jack.*_

**Carletta:** Unless you're both secretly batting for the 'Other' team, I suggest you stop your sexually tense conversation and listen to Ben. Wow, there's a sentence I never thought I'd say. _*chuckles*_ You people are so weird; I think it's rubbing off on me.

**Ben:** Back to me?

**Carletta:** Ok. Here's a question I never thought I'd be asking. What goes on in Benjamin Linus' head?

**Ben:** Well, I usually start the day by daydreaming about owning a bunny farm. That's always fun. Then I usually come up with an evil plan of some sort – usually involving Jack and Sawyer because they've been affiliated with my girl. _*winks at Juliet*_ Richard usually tries to stop me because, you know, he's the 'peacekeeper' and all. _*rolls his eyes*_ I usually get my own way though…

**Carletta:** I'm sorry. I switched off when you said the words 'bunny farm.'

**Ethan:** Ooh, surely I'm next!

**Carletta:** You had a session dedicated to you and you blew it. It's Goodwin's turn.

**Goodwin:** S'up. DAMN IT, PICKETT!

**Ana:** ARGH! IT'S GOODWIN! _*hides*_

**Charlie:** HEY! THAT'S _MY_ THING!

**Ana:** You can't be mad at me though, Chucks. Not if I say the words 'Monkey Stole My Banana, Purple Lemons and Daisies.'

**Charlie:** That's the band name! _*grins*_ How about we just limit it a bit? Call it just Bananas and Purple Lemons.

**Ana:** Or how about just the Island Freaks? We both clearly cannot get laid – well, I did. So it's just you. Island Freak and Hot Babe?

**Sawyer:** HOW ABOUT NONE OF US GIVE A MANGO WHAT YOU CALL THE STUPID BAND?

**Jack:** Mango?

**Sawyer:** I've been forbidden to swear on account of the fact that children read this and can be, as my lawyer quotes, 'easily susceptible'. Bastards! OOPS!

**Carletta:** _*sarcastically*_ Is it just *me* or do the sessions get crazier and crazier each time we have one? The show is _over_ and yet here we all are…still.

**Ana:** We should agree to disagree. Let's just go with 'Lost Souls' and be done with it.

**Charlie:** That is _epic._ _*high fives Ana*_

**Ben:** Can we get back to my bunny issues, which, you know, were never fully addressed?

**Carletta: **No. We're going to _Goodwin._

**Goodwin: **This is the Goodwin station bringing you all the latest news and revelations from the King of the Badasses.

**Ben:** _*weakly*_ Wh-What?

**Ana:** _*indignantly*_ How were you _badass?_ You gave us the whole 'nice guy' act for like _forty_ days and then you got beaten by a _girl!_ At least Ethan got took down by a _man_, but you…you suck.

_*Goodwin scowls at her and then tackles her to the ground. They escape the cabin in a whirl of dust and smoke, much to everyone else's bewilderment.*_

**Carletta:** Well….that effectively ends _that_ conversation. They have unresolved issues I really should get to the bottom of…but oh well.

**Jack:** That's all you can say? 'Oh well?' What if Jesus had said that? Or me?

**Locke:** Nice. You put yourself in the same category as Jesus? Moron.

**Jack:** ARGH! Stop being so _patronizing, _you son of an island!

**Locke: **_*wistfully*_ If only…

**Carletta:** So…what have we learned here today? Nothing, as usual. Why do I bother?

**Ben:** Because you WUV us. You really, really, really, really WUV us. You WUV us to death.

**Carletta:** Er…yeah.

**Jack****:** SHUSH! I'm in the middle of writing a very important letter. _*turns to paper*_ Dear Mr and Mrs. My Parents…

_*Carletta rolls her eyes and Sawyer just sniggers. So…yeah, it's a typical end to yet another pointless session.*_

**Christian: **I'd just like to point out I don't know him…

**Carletta:** I don't think any of us do, Christian. Sometimes I wonder…what goes on inside his head?

_Inside Jack's head. _

**Jack: **LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!

_Back in the session. _

**Carletta: **Pfft. Figures.

**A/n: I love Jack really! Lol. I just love to torture him. It's affectionate abuse, lol. This session is for my little sister, who has been on holiday for a week and I've missed her so much it's unreal. So, thank her for me speedily updating this :P. Thank you for my new readers who've ****reviewed and enjoyed this story, I cannot believe the success of this story. 157 reviews and now 2 NOMINATIONS on yet ANOTHER award thing on fanfic! WOW! I am really speechless so, as promised, as a treat next session will be strictly based on the bloopers/outtakes and missing scenes you didn't see throughout the 25 sessions. It might be a really long one then! Ha, ha :P **

Next Session: In Which There Are Bloopers.


	25. Session 25: In Which There Are Bloopers

Session 25: In Which There Are Bloopers

(and possibly the odd missing scene)

_Session 1: In Which Death Sucks._

**Carletta: **Hello, welcome to the Island's first…only…own… _*laughs*_ What's the damn word I'm looking for?

**Sawyer:** I dunno but this is why we need autocue.

X-X-X

**Sawyer:** It's a classic case of her own frustration at her sad past being forced out on others. _*sits down where there isn't a chair and falls flat on his bum.*_

_*Everyone laughs*_

**Sawyer:** _*whilst laughing*_ Ha, ha doc, very funny!

**Jack:** What makes you think it was me?

**Sawyer:** 'Cause you're sporting an 'I Did It' badge. Moron.

**Jack:** I do numerous things throughout the day, Sawyer. How can you possibly associate this badge with one particular thing?

_*Short pause.*_

**Sawyer:** Because I know you did it. Bitch.

X-X-X

**Carletta: **_*pre-session*_ So, I'm dealing with the Lost cast? Well, I have spotted the odd issues with them, but it's nothing I can't handle. It'll take five sessions, maybe ten at a push.

**Random producer:** Oh, you just wait…They're gonna give you hell.

**Carletta:** Like I said, it's nothing I can't handle…

_*One very manic session later…*_

**Carletta:** IT'S SOMETHING I CAN'T HANDLE!

X-X-X

**Charlie:** _*makes a random face*_

**Claire:** What are you doing?

**Charlie:** _*puts finger on her lips*_ Sssssshhhhhhhhhh…don't speak. I'm not gonna say anyway…

_*Claire bites his finger.*_

**Charlie:** OWWWWW! Fine! I was pulling a face for the bloopers.

**Claire:** The whoopers?

**Charlie:** The bloopers.

**Claire:** The what-ers? Otters? OTHERS?

**Charlie:** Are you deaf or something?

**Claire:** What?

**Charlie:** What?

**Claire:** Come again?

**Charlie:** Ugh….Why bother?

_*Long pause*_

**Claire:** What? _*giggles*_

X-X-X

**Jack:** O.M.G.G. Water is…Oh damn. Did it again! _*laughs*_

**Kate:** O.M.G.G?

**Jack:** It makes sense!

**Kate:** Right… Oh my God God?

_*They lean in together and laugh. The rest of the group look pretty unimpressed.*_

TAKE 2

**Jack:** O.M.G! WATER IS LEAKING FROM HIS EYES! CALL A FAN-AMBULANCE!

**Sawyer: **WHAT? _*roars with laughter*_

**Jack:** It's a fanambulance. _*giggles*_

_Session 2: In Which Ships Are Bashed_

**Jack:** It's obvious, Kate. You're dating Saw-me because Juliet is dating Sawyer…oh.

**Kate:** Saw-me? Really?

_*Sawyer whips out a chain saw*_

**Sawyer:** You got it, Jackie and Freckles.

**Carletta: **Wanna restart that sentence, Jack?

**Jack:** Please. Otherwise from the look of things, me and Kate will lose our heads…literally. _*whimpers*_

X-X-X

**Carletta:** Now let's dress Sawyer first. _*stops, then laughs*_

**Sawyer:** Damn it! Am I naked again?

**Carletta:** _*giggles*_ I said 'dress' instead of 'address'… I feel like such a moron!

**Sawyer: **No comment. _*grins*_

X-X-X

**Charlie:** Much as I appreciate the elves…DAMN IT!

**Claire:** Elves? Charlie…have you been watching Elf with Aaron again?

**Charlie:** NO! NO! NO! Well, maybe.

**Sawyer:** _*points at him*_ I KNEW IT!

**Charlie:** I'm going to take that saying and beat you to death with it.

X-X-X

**Ben:** Oh for Jacoby's sake! I hate the…

**Jacob:** JACOBY? WHAT?

**Ben:** IT'S HARD TO SAY JACOB WHEN YOU'RE RANTING, OK? Too many damn consonants.

**Man In Black:** Then you do not want to attempt saying _my_ name.

X-X-X

**Juliet:** Oh for _*beeps*_ sake! _*walks out of room then slips*_

_*From out of the room…*_

**Juliet:** DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT! Stupid mother fu –

**Sawyer:** WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT, POTTY MOUTH!

**Ben:** Sawyer…I…you…Do you not understand the _irony_ of that?

**Sawyer:** No, but I do understand the gold-y of that. Dunno what iron has to do with anything.

**Ben:** And people say you aren't stupid. _*shakes head*_

X-X-X

**Charlie:** You utter, utter _creep!_ I so was not! Just because you get your orders from a bush collection, leaves…I'm gonna start that again. It sounded so much better in my head.

**Sawyer:** Yeah, think of this as proof that you should never, ever speak!

**Charlie:** …. _*lips wobble*_

X-X-X

**Aaron:** Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle…CRAP! Sorry, messed up. My bad.

_*Everyone looks stunned.*_

**Claire:** How has my _baby_ made a blooper?

**Jack:** LOL! Baby blooper! I love it.

**Carletta:** Seriously? I'm the one who's going to have to point out that your baby just _spoke_. Ugh…You all are seriously messed up.

**Ben:** Not to be the voice of reason, but isn't that why you're here?

**Carletta:** No one likes a smart arse, Ben.

X-X-X

**Desmond:** Charlie, brotha, you're gonna die.

_*Charlie stares at him, and both are dying to laugh.*_

**Charlie:** Really? Is that so?

**Desmond:** Yep. You'll be sleeping with the fishes. Doing workouts with the sharks…Generally, you know, you'll be dead…Good luck with that.

_*They stare each other down until they end up laughing.*_

_Session 3: In Which Jack Fixes Everything but Himself_

_*Jack is having a crazy moment, like always.* _

**Jack: **Come on, Mowgli! Get with the beat!

**Richard:** I find that very offensive. Get out. Get out of my cabin.

**Carletta:** Oh boy…

X-X-X

**Kate: **He thinks that by blowing on a damn bomb…Oops, my bad.

**Ben:** Now that's a new one…blowing on a bomb.

**Sawyer:** How does _that_ work then, Freckles? _*leans forward* _Do ya make a wish on it or something? Do tell.

**Kate:** Shut the hell up. It's one-nil on the major screw ups so far. You'll make a mistake and then I'll laugh my pants off.

**Sawyer:** Can't wait. _*leers*_ OW! _Juliet!_

**Juliet:** That'll teach you not to be a massive pervert. _*grins*_

X-X-X

**Sawyer:** Super, Loser and Majalalala…I can't speak. Got a frog in my throat.

**Kate:** Yeah right! FAIL! _*laughs*_

**Hurley:** Don't squash this frog, dude. Please…

_*Sawyer just scowls.*_

X-X-X

**Christian: **Don't you see, Jack… _*in a high pitched voice*_ WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

**Jack:** That is the booze talking, Dad. Can't you even come into _therapy_ sober?

**Christian:** _*smiling, clearly drunk*_ Don't you recognize an Ice Age quote when you see one? GOD! I hate this place!

_*Jack looks clearly disturbed and backs away.*_

X-X-X

**Jack:** You died of a FREART ATTACK. _*Stops*_ What is a freart? I dunno…maybe I'm drunk. _*laughs*_ There was a 'friggin' meant to be in there somewhere…

X-X-X

_*Jin rocks back and forth on his chair as he sings 'Tomorrow' from Annie, and falls backwards leading to everyone laughing hysterically.*_

**Jin:** _*referring to the ceiling.*_ What a pretty view I have of the dirty ceiling of this dirty cabin. And can I just say…OWWWWWWW! _*laughs*_

X-X-X

**Charlie:** ARGH! IT'S HIM! _*runs out of room and trips over*_

**Sawyer:** That. Is. Too. Funny! _*laughs hysterically.* _

**Ethan:** What? My face? Are you making fun of my face? Or are you just amused by falling hobbits?

_*Sawyer finds this too much and buries his head on Juliet's shoulder and cries with laughter.*_

**Carletta:** Can somebody please tell me why falling hobbits is funny?

_*The whole room laughs*_

X-X-X

**Kate: **…he thinks by blowing on a damn bomb he will… DAMN IT! Said it again.

**Sawyer:** Nice going, Velma. Starting to think there'll be a birthday bomb in season five.

**Kate: **SHUT. UP. YOU!

**Sawyer: **_*extremely sarcastically*_ Ooh…burn.

X-X-X

**Jack:** Well, it all started when my mom – dad …

**Richard:** What is this…momdad? _*scrutinizes Jack*_ I see you have much to teach us. _*bows*_

**Jack:** I made a mistake, you…you…PILLOW!

**Sawyer: **Yeah, 'cause we all know Jack's a secret momdad himself. He likes playing Mr Mommy.

**Jack: **Look, I FOUND those dolls, so you can't…

**Sawyer: **_*interrupting with a look of delight*_ Whoa, whoa, WHOA! I was just taking the piss but you…you're actually admitting you play with dolls? HA HA HA HA HA HA!

**Jack: **Look –

**Sawyer: **HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

**Jack: **You're not…

**Sawyer: **HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

**Jack: **_*scowling*_ You're so mean. I hate you.

**Sawyer: **In all seriousness…that was pretty damn hilarious, so don't expect peace for the next however many sessions.

_Session 4: In Which Family Trees Grow_

**Charlie: **To answer your question, Kate and Sawyer are 'canoodling', Jack's talking to Sayid about a very cunning plan and Locke's either hunting, talking to the sand...no, trees...no, _island_...I dunno. _*shrugs* _

**Jin: **_*to Sun*_ How did Kate and Sawyer end up with a canoe?

**Sun: **Huh?

**Jin: **The hobbit one said something about canoodling?

**Sun: **Oh, he means they're screwing.

**Jin: **What? They're building things?

**Sun: **No…they're banging.

**Jin: **What, with hammers?

**Sun: **_*frustrated*_ THEY'RE HAVING SEX!

_*Everyone turns to stare at them, Charlie hiding a smirk.*_

**Jin: **Oh…Ew.

X-X-X

**Ben: **I can answer all these questions just as shoon as I… _*stops*_

**Carletta: **_*with a smirk*_ Shoon? This counselling session doesn't tolerate failure, Mr Linus.

**Boone: **OOH! OOH! OOH! SHOONE! THAT'S US, SHAN! _*falls down with excitement*_

**Ben: **?

**Ben: **Why am I here? I'm not insane enough to be amongst the insane. WHY AM I THE FIRST TO BE DRIVEN MAD BY THIS INSANE LOT?

_*Goes, predictably, insane.*_

**Sawyer: **Now there's something you don't see every day – an evil genius going mad. _*rolls eyes.*_

X-X-X

**Juliet: **Where in God's name did you go? I sear your sweet… _*coughs*_ I swear your sear was empty a minute ago. Damn. _*giggles*_ 'I sear your sweet?' What am I on?

**Ben: **Only the love of a good man… _*bats eyes*_

**Juliet: **ARGH! _*falls over*_ MY EYES! MY EYES!

**Sawyer: **…..Ha!

_Session 5: In Which Sawyer Nicks Names_

_*Everyone is bouncing on a giant bed which has randomly appeared.*_

**Charlie: **BOUNCING ON THE BED! WHOOPEEEEE!

**Desmond: **I CAN FLY!

_*He does a spectacular leap and crashes through the wall of the cabin and gets lodged there__**.***_

**Desmond: **Alas. My night vision of me flying was a lie. _*begins to cry*_ WHYYYYYY?

**Jack: **A 'night vision'? I know I'm not exactly Professor Intelligence…

**Sawyer: **I'll vouch for that! _*grins*_

**Jack: **…but I'm pretty sure that's called a _dream._

**Desmond: **So I won't be chased by glittery pink ponies underneath a night rainbow and be reunited with Penny as we lovingly pet gold and silver puppies? Damn…

X-X-X

**Charlie: **Munchkinrunt… Oops. _*laughs*_

**Sawyer: **Going for the ol' 'saying them all at once' tactic? Or did you just, as usual, screw up what you meant to say?

**Charlie: **The first one. Sawyer called me MunchkinruntJiminynapper. That is my name, apparently. _*laughs*_

**MunchkinruntJiminynapper: **Damn it! I told you, someone would already be named that. But no…you said it would be so out there, so unique that no one else would think of it!

**Munchkinlimeylittlecricket: **My bad…

**Carletta: **These sessions just get more and more screwed up each week.

X-X-X

**Dr Evil: **I'm _ev-ile. *gasps*_ Wow.

**Ben: **What? What is it now Dr Lameass?

**Dr Evil: **Did I just get my very own blooper?

_*Everyone wearily nods.*_

**Dr Evil: **Cool! Do you mean I actually get my own frickin' line with my very own frickin' blooper attached to its frickin' end?

**Sawyer: **It's not **that** exciting, Saruman. How about calming down there a little?

**Dr Evil: **_*wheels over to Sawyer*_ How 'bout no? You crazy Southern bastard.

X-X-X

**Hurley: **Don't forget I whipped your white ass…What's that noise?

_*The earth finally crumbles around Hurley and he falls through the floor. Sawyer chokes with laughter and, as Juliet hastily rushes to pat his back, he knocks into Jack, who knocks into Kate, and it's the domino effect. The only one unaffected is insane guest Dr Evil who is dealing with a possessed chair.*_

**Carletta: **Oi vey. [Translation – What am I doing with this stupid, hopeless, insane bunch of people?]

_Session 6: In Which There Are Others_

_*Pre-session.*_

**Ben: **What happened? How did you get up there?

_*We pan up and see Richard is hovering up by the ceiling.*_

**Richard: **I'm not sure…I think it all started when SOMEBODY asked what it would be like to drink helium. Now I'm stuck.

**Mikhail: **Ha, ha! _*giggles like a girl*_ I'm just hilarious.

**Ben: **You idiot! Go fetch me the problem stick – this could be tricky.

**Richard:** Ooh this sensation is funny. It tickles in all the wrong ways.

**Ben: **_*sigh*_ This wouldn't have happened if you weren't so fat, Alpert.

**Richard: **Oi!

X-X-X

**Carletta: **QUIIIIIEEEEEEE-EEEEEE-EEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

_*Sawyer walks up to camera and stares into it.*_

**Sawyer: **Yeah, that's right. You've just witnessed an extended scene of the most pointless moment ever. You just wasted thirty seconds of your life reading that. You'll never get those seconds back. If I were you…I'd sue. Sue them good…whoever 'they' are.

_*Juliet chucks a shoe at him and he falls to the ground.*_

**Juliet: **James! Stop being an ass!

X-X-X

**Jack: **What do you mean "trying?"

_*Kate stares at him.*_

**Jack:** What?

_*Kate continues staring.*_

**Jack:** Have I got something on my face?

**Kate:** No… _*laughs and then kisses Jack's nose.*_

**Jack:** Ok… _*giggles like a girl*_ Ooh, that tickled.

**Sawyer:** _*in background*_ SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE!

**Juliet:** _*also in background*_ JAMES! PUT A CORK IN IT!

_*We hear the sounds of Sawyer having a cork being shoved into his mouth. Ha.*_

X-X-X

**Tom: **Enough of the glay jokes ok? Glay…Glay…Gay. _*coughs*_

**Jack: **I'm sorry; did you want some ice cream?

**Tom: **Is that a joke about my sexuality? Are you inferring that because I'm gay I have a secret affliction with ice cream? Is that it? Huh? Nah, just kidding, you're alright…

**Jack:** I don't understand any of the words you just said.

X-X-X

**Ethan: **I have an issue I'd like to raise and it's to do with that guy there…Wait. Where'd he go?

_*He notices a box in the middle of the room. The sounds of quiet snickering can be heard from it.*_

**Ethan: **Oh, gee. I wonder where Charlie went. He must've left. _*rolls eyes*_ And look…there's a box in the middle of the room. If only he was here to help me open it.

**Charlie:** _*popping out the box.*_ BOO! _*giggles*_

**Ethan:** _*EXTREMELY sarcastic*_ Gee, you *almost* gave me a heart attack.

**Charlie: **It was really hard not to laugh in there…

_Session 7: In Which Charlie Just Says No_

**Jack: **NOW HOLD ON A LOCKE KILLING MINUETTE! You're lumping me in…

**Sawyer: **Made a mistake…

**Jack: **You're lumping me in with…

**Sawyer: **You fail on epic proportions…

**Jack:** SHUT UP! YOU'RE SPOILING MY EPIC LINE!

**Sawyer: **Ha – fail.

_Session 8: In Which Juliet Swings Both Ways_

**Locke: **Time to become an island hero…

_*He stands on a table and we suddenly hear a massive ripping sound coming from his trousers.*_

_*Locke sits quietly back down.*_

**Locke: **Maybe in a little bit…

X-X-X

**Claire:** No, it's called Pregnant Women Never Give Birth On The Island When They Need To. Or something like that… _*giggles* _Oh dear…

**Ana: **Honestly, have you no self control?

**Claire: **_*glares at her*_ You're about three years late on the lecture. Is that right? _*Leans over and whispers in Kate's ear.*_ YEAH, THREE YEEEARRRS!

**Ana: **Lol.

X-X-X

**Ana: **Tum-te-tum-tum.

**Charlie: **WTF?

**Ana: **Dude, I'm just trying to speak your language.

**Charlie: **That WOULD make sense…if I was blind and could only communicate in 'tums'.

**Ana: **There was a 'te' in there too…

**Charlie: **What are you doing?

**Ana: **Dude, stop snorting and chill. Thought we were having a moment.

**Charlie: **_*turns to camera*_ If you think this is the most WTF moment ever, go to www dot Carletta's counselling session dot com and vote for it now. Otherwise, just vote for any of Jack's moments.

**Carletta: **Not a real site, I have to add.

**Author: **WOULDN'T THAT BE AWESOME THOUGH?

**Everyone else: **WTF?

**Ben: **Mommy?

X-X-X

**Sawyer: **Holy Chow Mein! It's Chicken Cricket! _*pauses*_ Or is it the other way round?

**Kate: **YE-ES! Not screwed up yet!

**Sawyer**: You screwed me whilst in love with the doc – that's a major screw up full stop.

_*Everyone gasps, stunned by the remark.*_

**Sawyer: **_*sarcastically*_ Oh, what? Too soon?

X-X-X

**Kate: **You could be…erm…Middlies? Not even on the plane-ies? Blondie who tries to steal Kate's man-ies? Ben's obsession-ies? Blondie we love to hate than like than hate than love-ies? Person who fell down a hole –ies? Woman who can't decide what man she wants-ies?

**Juliet: **No, I think you own that last category all by yourself.

**Sawyer, Jack:** BURN!

_Session 10: In Which We Unlock Locke_

**Ben: **I'll kill you like a dog on the street.

**Locke: **WOOF! WOOF! BANG! _*proceeds to howl like a dying dog*_

_*Ben stares confusedly at Locke, before caving in and bursting out with laughter.*_

**Ben: **This is so screwed up!

**Carletta: **_*flatly*_ Welcome to my world.

X-X-X

**Carletta: **Well, I was going to dedicate the next session to the freimer…blah, blah, blah. _*shakes head*_ Brr… Ok start again.

TAKE TWO.

**Carletta: **Well, I was going to ded-d-dicate… _*laughs* _I can't speak!

TAKE ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE.

**Carletta: **Well, I was going to dedicate the next shession… DAMN IT! Why can't I say that?

**Ben: **Because you fail?

_*Carletta chucks her shoe at Ben – it misses and knocks out Hurley instead, who seems to fall in slow motion.*_

**Carletta:** Oops…

X-X-X

_*Post-session.*_

**Hurley:** I want to write a letter of complaint about being hit by a shoe. How do I word it though?

**Ben: **Read what you've put so far…

**Hurley: **'Dear InjuryLawyers4U…'

**Ben: **No! That sounds far too creepy. Try 'Darling fascist bullyboy.' _*watches Hurley write it down*_ Now, what do you want me to say?

**Hurley:** Well, basically, I want to apply for compensation after suffering a grievous injury at work but I know there's gotta be a better way of wording it than that.

**Ben: **You disgust me with your sycophantic-ness. Let me edit it…

_*Ben proceeds to edit the letter with fury.*_

**Hurley:** What does it say now?

**Ben: **'Darling Fascist Bullyboys. Give me some money you bastards. If you don't, I will crush you. May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman.

**Hurley: **That sounds a bit strong…

**Ben: **Yeah, but Hurley, people like that respect strength.

_*Hurley looks blank…as usual.*_

_Session 12: In Which Smokey Smokes On In_

**Charlie: **ARGH! THE SMOKE MONSTEEEERR!

**Ethan: **Well, that makes a change from hearing _argh! It's Charlie _all the time.

_*Everyone sniggers*_

**Ethan: **WHAT? _*snarls at Libby*_

**Charlie: **_*whistling innocently*_ Nothing…Just didn't know I had a habit of being frightened of myself. _*roars with laughter*_

**Ethan:** _*sourly*_ Oh you are just the worst type of person…

X-X-X

**Kate: **...their whispers are their voices. _*clears throat*_ Wrong way round.

**Sawyer: **WOOOOO! YOU SCREWED UP!

**Kate: **Sexist pig.

**Sawyer:** Bitch.

**Kate:** Jerk.

**Sawyer:** Selfish witch.

**Kate:** Stupid moron.

**Sawyer:** I love you.

**Kate:** Love you too!

_*They proceed to make out. Juliet just growls and sulks in her seat. Jack just opens and shuts his mouth like a goldfish.*_

X-X-X

**Hurley: **RANDOOOOOM DANCCCCIIINNGG!

_*He proceeds to dance with Charlie and the two of them bop bums – a little too hard.*_

**Charlie, Hurley:** OW! OW! OW! OW!

X-X-X

**Smokey: **WOOOOOO!

**Carletta:** What was _that?_

**Smokey:** I was being a ghost. Was that not clear?

_Session 16: In Which It's the Freighter Folk_

**Carletta: **Oh yeah…happy belated Christmas everyone!

_*Charlie bursts into tears and then runs out of room. He slips and skids, sliding all the way into the middle of another session.*_

**Ross: **…and then I said we were on a break, which we were…

_*Everyone stares at Charlie.*_

**Carlotta: **Who are _you?_

**Charlie:** I'm Charlie? From Lost? Which session is this?

**Chandler: **Could you _be_ any dumber? This is the FRIENDS counselling session.

**Charlie: **Coooooool. Anyway….gonna leave ya to it.

_*He flees the room.*_

**Phoebe: **Did anyone else find him really cute? I'm gonna write a song about him.

X-X-X

_*Daniel and Miles start dancing as Blink 182's All The Small Things comes floating through the air.*_

**Carletta:** _*agog*_ What _are_ you doing?

**Miles: **BONDING! WOOOOO!

**Carletta: **This wasn't part of the session! HOW DARE YOU ACT OUT OF CHARACTER!

**Sawyer: **_*to Jack*_ Er, has she not seen our behaviour the last 15 sessions?

**Jack:** Evidently not.

_*They glance at each other, briefly grin, before remembering they're supposed to hate each other and start bitch slapping each other….because they're just that manly.*_

X-X-X

**Daniel: **I should've warned you though that once time is reset, there will be some, er, slide effects. _*laughs*_ I meant side effects.

_*Kate and Sawyer are halfway up a slide when he corrects himself.*_

**Kate:** What? So all this time and effort it took us to climb three steps of this slide was for nothing?

**Daniel:** Er…yes?

**Kate, Sawyer:** Awwww.

_*They climb back down, disappointed*_

**Carletta: **_*censored comment.*_

X-X-X

**Ana: **This isn't a marriage! This is the world's worst hangover.

_*Gets tackled by a random brunette.*_

**Rachel: **THAT'S MY LINE, BITCH!

**Sawyer:** So hot…

**Joey:** Dude, I agree! Let's throw some Gello on them!

_*Sawyer goes to agree but then turns round slowly to see a strange man sitting where Jack should've been.*_

**Sawyer: **Who are you?

**Joey:** A better looking version of you.

**Sawyer:** WHAT?

**Joey:** Naw, just kidding. I'm Joey. _*stares at Juliet*_ How you doin'?

**Sawyer:** Why you -?

_*He proceeds to tackle Joey to the ground.*_

**Carletta: **Yep, you've actually just witnessed a crossover, with so many copyrighted characters and quotes I wouldn't blame you if you sued. But don't. _*pulls cute face*_

_Session 17: In Which Kate Runs and Runs and Runs…_

**Jack: **WE'RE BLACK, BABY! _*blushes*_ Oops…I meant to say 'back'.

**Michael:** RACIST ASS! _*scowls*_ Don't diss the 'hood.

**Sayid:** You said it bro! _*bumps fists with Michael.*_

**Walt: **DAAAAAAAAAAD! You embarrass me.

X-X-X

**Desmond: **I'll drink to that box man. _*drinks and leans back until he falls off.*_ Oopsy…. *_giggles like a girl*_

X-X-X

**Jack:** I thought it was a gruel…a cruella… LEAF PLANE!

**Sawyer: **_*singing and swaying.*_ I'm in love with a jackass who can't speak…

**Juliet:** Er…what?

**Sawyer: **What?

**Charlie: **I KNEWWWW IT!

X-X-X

**Boone**: Could've done. I've had a lot of free time as you know and I've thought about this carefully and I have an interesting theory. Has anyone actually considered that you guys are on a continuous loop? Think about it. We crash on the island and live there for a bit and then sooner or later we leave, come back then try to reset time. Once you've reset time, we'll re-crash and the cycle begins again. HA! I got a whole minute of talking in without being interrupted…. _*pants*_ Man! That was such a big speech and….and… _*faints from exhaustion.* _

**Charlie:** Lol.

X-X-X

**Jack: **It just circles back to the whole Kate – Sawyer – Jack – Juliet – Desmond – Carletta – Ana – Hurley – Libby- Michael – Charlie – Claire – Nikki – Paulo – Boone – Shannon – Sayid – Mr Eko – Ben – Goodwin – Ethan nonsense.

**Carletta: **Ok, a) how did I end up in there? And b) why have you named the entire cast in that little speech of yours?

**Jack:** Meh, I dunno. It just seems like we've all had relations with each other at some point. Lost, it's all about the fling things.

**Carletta:** Now that's an advert to watch it if ever I heard one.

_Session 22: In Which Plot Holes Devour Lost_

**Ben: **Damn… _*starts to choke*_

**Mikhail:** Master! Don't choke! _*rushes over to Ben and attempts to administer the kiss of life.*_

**Ben:** DU-UDE! I just had a momentary cough! _*pushes him away*_ I don't think we should see each other any more. And since when did you start acting like Gollum?

**Mikhail:** PRECIOUS! PRECIOUS!

**Ben:** Riiiiiiiiiiiight.

X-X-X

**Juliet: **_*all in one breath*_ Walt was Michael's kid who didn't like him first… _*starts again*_ Walt was Michael's kid who didn't like him at first and hung around Gollum… DAMN YOU BEN!

**Ben: **What did I do _now?_ God, women! Such a pain in the ass.

**Juliet: **You always spoil everything. Sawyer – kill him!

**Sawyer: **What am I, your evil minion?

X-X-X

**Carletta: **We can discuss the wave of Facebook crime later…

**Jack: **Quick! She said Facebook! Everybody log on in – let's mess with the system!

**Carletta:** _*confused*_ What?

_*Everyone logs onto Facebook at the exact time, causing it all to collapse thus destroying it forever. If you want to change that, I suggest you find yourself a hydrogen bomb.*_

_Session 23: In Which Hurley Loses Weight (Ha, ha, just kidding!)_

**Sawyer: **My fort? I don't have a fort. That would be cool if I did. I WANT A FART!

_*Everyone nervously giggles.*_

**Sawyer:** Oh…real mature, everyone! I hate you all! _*sulks*_

X-X-X

**Jack:** I've decided to become a badass! _*cue thunder and lightning* _Cool!

_*The lightning randomly strikes him.*_

**Mysterious voice:** That's for being something you're not! Oh, and for your various crying episodes. Man up.

**Kate: **NO! TAKE ME INSTEAD!

**Mysterious voice:** Hm, ok! _*strikes Kate*_

**Kate: **Ooh! That tickles. Ha, ha! Stop it! Ha, ha! _*giggles*_

_*Mysterious voice implodes.*_

X-X-X

**Ana: **Bigger than us too.

_*Ana and Sawyer attempt to high five, miss, and fall off their seats. Immediately, they rise to their feet and dust themselves off.*_

**Sawyer: **Nothing happened.

**Ana:** Absolutely not.

**Sawyer:** If you think you saw us fall, you're mistaken!

**Ana:** Very much so.

**Sawyer:** We didn't fall…we just thought the floor needed a hug.

**Charlie:** Some-body's in den-ial.

X-X-X

**Ben: **You ask us to be Shane…no sane.

**Carletta:** Wow. You're all screwing up. There must be something in the water.

**Locke:** CALIFORNIA GIRLS WE'RE UNFORGETTABLE, DAISY DUKES, BIKINIS ON TOP!

_*Everyone shuffles backwards on their chairs in alarm.*_

X-X-X

_*Jack pulls a face*_

**Charlie:** Well…that accomplished a lot.

**Jack:** Yes, it diddddd.

_*Charlie taps Jack's head.*_

**Charlie:** SLEEP!

_*Jack obeys.*_

**Charlie:** When you wake up, you will have better diction. AWAKE!

X-X-X

**Hurley: **Well, if you had the _common decency_, to go out and get yourself a proper Dobby… _*laughs*_ I said Dobby.

**Boone:** LOL! Harry Potter reference FTW!

**Dobby: **Master called, sir?

**Carletta:** Oh boy… All I want for Christmas is for us to go a session without saying something which will make us end up in court. _*sobs into hands*_

X-X-X

**Sun: **_*yawns*_

**Jin: **_*pops finger into her mouth*_ YAWN RAPE!

**Sun:** Jin? What hell?

**Charlie:** Ooh that looks fun! I'll try it! _*spies Claire*_ Honey?

**Claire:** Yes…honey?

_*Charlie shoves finger into her mouth, causing her to choke.*_

**Charlie:** YAWN RAPE!

_Session 24: In Which There Are Others 2_

**Charlie:** Yay, male bonding time!

**Jack:** Yes…that's why I brought you out here…not to do anything else. _*shifty eyes*_

**Charlie:** You're not here to ravage me are you? I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE? WHY AM I THE FIRST TO GO?

**Jack:** Relax… _*sighs*_ I saw this video on the Tube of You and needed to emulate it. I'M TAKING A HOBBIT TO ISENGARD! I'M TAKING A HOBBIT TO ISENGARD!

_*Long pause.*_

**Charlie:** Oh, you just plainly suck.

X-X-X

**Sun: **KUNG FU SUN! _*knocks herself out as she hits her head against a chair.* _Ugh…Mummy, will you hold me?

**Jin:** Wimp.

X-X-X

**Carletta: **PEOPLE NEED THE CHAIRS! _*pants*_

**Sawyer: **Jeez, don't make a song and dance about it…

**Carletta: **_*to tune of California Girls*_ California chairs, we need them in one piece, stop hogging them, Jack, you greedy goldfish.

**Sawyer: **…Ok, you did. That's just disturbing.

X-X-X

**Carletta:** GUYS! Why are you carrying Charlie off?

**Sawyer, Jack, Sayid:** We're taking the hobbit to Isengard! We're taking the hobbit to Isengard!

**Carletta:** _*sighs*_ I had to ask didn't I?

**A/n: Sorry guys for not uploading sooner! Big news – I passed my A-Level results and got into Uni! That's why I've not updated in like…*checks watch* forever! This was a bitch to write. Seriously. I didn't end up doing all the sessions. Why did I think this was a good idea to write? But hope you like it! If you don't get the hobbit to Isengard joke, go check out on the tube of you (YouTube) lol. Then you'll understand all… **

**If you want to check out another funny story as I update this, check out LostInLost18's story "LostBook" where the Losties have Facebook, it's well worth a read. Thank you for the reviews, you guys are seriously awesome. Seriously! **


	26. Session 26: In Which Claire Loses Her Ba

Session 26: In Which Claire Loses Her BABBBBBYYY!

* * *

_Carletta enters the room, looking unusually cheerful. The rest of the room are silent, which is even more unusual. She looks unnerved by this and sits down in her chair and waits for someone to speak. No one does._

**Carletta: **Ok…stop it. This is freaking me out.

**Jack: **_*politely* _What is wrong, Carletta?

**Sawyer: **Yes, what has you upset?

**Carletta: **This! You! Why are you all so…so… NORMAL? I don't understand!

**Charlie: **We all simultaneously made a New Year's resolution to be sane and quiet and then some sort of fiery explosion occurred outside the shack.

**Carletta: **_*thoughtfully* _It did look rather apocalyptic. I wonder why that was…?

**Locke: **I KNOW! I KNOW! _*jumps up and down holding his hand in the air*_

_*The whole room, like normal, ignore him*_

**Claire: **We're going with the theory that because we've all suddenly become normal, the whole world has exploded because, you know, that was more likely to happen than the whole group staying normal for more than five minutes. _*giggles.*_

**Locke: **_*mutinously* _Bitch.

**Claire: **What was that?

**Locke: **You heard…bitch.

_*Claire stares sat him for a moment before hissing like a wildcat and throwing herself at him so that they suddenly become engaged in a dust cloud as they fight. Immediately, everyone starts to become their, er, normal selves and start to bicker amongst themselves.*_

**Carletta: **I NEVER thought I'd say this…but PHEW! I was almost out of a job for a second there. _*looks visibly relieved.*_

**Charlie: **Which loser are we screwing with today? How 'bout Desmundo?

**Desmond: **And the survey says… NO, YOU PSYCHOPATHIC LITTLE DEMON!

**Carletta: **Actually, I was planning on Claire being the first case of the new year. Yeah. Thanks for all the cards and presents guys. NOT! I gave you all presents!

**Jacob: **You gave us all cheap presents from the 99 cent store! BITCHHHHHHHH!

**Carletta: **Jacob! What the HELL are you doing here? You can't be in the same room as the Man In Black.

**Jacob: **_*defiantly* _Why not?

**Man In Black: **YEAH! WHY NOT?

**Jacob: **Hey! Stop copying me!

**Man In Black: **Or what? You'll turn me into pink smoke?

**Jacob: **I'LL TELL MOM!

_*The Man In Black looks horrified by the very idea.*_

**Man In Black: **Aw, man! If I get into trouble, she's gonna jack my Connect Four Million set! YOU ARE SUCH A SNITCH!

**Carletta: **… You just effectively answered your own question there, Jacob. Clearly, you both have issues and we will address them in the next session.

**Sawyer: **How in the name of all that is sweet and good does the _mom _threat still work on you guys?

**Jacob: **_*pointing a finger* _Stop with your inane questions, mortal, or I shall smite you where you stand, candidate or no candidate!

_*He pauses, clearly expecting a reaction that never comes. Sawyer looks stonily at him, highly unimpressed.*_

**Claire: **_*removing herself from the dust ball* _Right, I'm ready for action now!

**Charlie: **And I'm right here for you, love.

**Carletta:**_*looking down at notes* _Right. Ok, I guess first thing's first…your mother?

**Claire: **Oh, look a tree… Is that the time? I best be off… Got a turkey in the oven. I have a paper to write. I lost my pen. My house is on fire… I AM NOT JUST MAKING EXCUSES!

_*Wordlessly, Sayid and Ben rise from the seats, fling Charlie from his seat, and take the seats next to Claire in order to restrain her, if necessary.*_

**Carletta: **_*flatly* _I'm sensing some resistance here about the subject of your mother.

**Claire: **_*flailing wildly* _Nope! I genuinely have lost my pen. It causes me great distress because it's the family pen, y'know? Oh, and I have a conference to go to…for parents and children. HA! HA!

**Sayid: **Can I slap her?

**Carletta: **Eh…not just yet. Give her a moment to calm the HELL down! Charlie! Why are you being useless as usual?

**Charlie: **_*his voice muffled* _Um, I could be of some help…if Ninja boy over there hadn't FLUNG me through the bloody roof!

_*They all peer upwards and see the lower half of Charlie sticking out from the roof.*_

**Jacob: **AW MAN! MOM'S GONNA BUST ME FOR THAT! _*sulks*_

**Sawyer: **Are we really stuck with _that _view of the munchkin? I don't wanna be looking at his ass the entire session.

**Carletta: **WELL, TOUGH! YOU'RE GONNA!

_*Sawyer looks alarmed, then loses the expression as he sulks.*_

**Juliet: **_*patiently* _James…we've talked about your temper tantrums. I don't want to have to get out the stick again…

**Jack: **Stick? You get whipped by a stick? James, you really are life's bitch aren't you?

_*Sawyer growls and goes to lunge at Jack, but Juliet, who has thought ahead, tugs at the lead she's fastened onto him and he comes flying backwards.*_

**Carletta: **Dare I ask…?

**Juliet: **He's been getting vicious lately. He only lets me get away with the lead if we use it for…other purposes. _*turns red*_

**Carletta: **Oh…that gets sorted into the TOO MUCH INFORMATION desk!

**Danny: **Seriously? These are the people we torture and screw with? Ben…they are utter nutters!

**Ben: **_*giggling* _Lol.

**Ethan: **_*admiringly* _Oh, Danny…anarchy!

**Carletta: **OK! Let's stop with the anarchy before all you homo sapiens discover fire and invent the mob. Claire…have you settled yet and stopped making excuses faster than it takes for you to lose Aaron?

**Claire: **_*sniffing* _Yeah…Sorry, it's still a sore subject for me. I don't know if you could tell…

**Carletta: **No…don't worry. No one noticed. _*rolls eyes* _Right…let's start with your mom. What sort of relationship did you have?

**Claire: **A good one. Then a bad one. Then a good one. Then a bad one. Then I put her into a coma. _*bursts into tears*_

**Ben: **THAT IS THE WORST THING ANYONE ON THIS SHOW HAS EVER DONE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER! YOU SHOULD GO SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

**Carletta: **Ben! That's a bit harsh don't you think. Not to mention UNBELIEVABLY hypocritical considering what you've done!

_*Claire wails loudly and buries her head in Kate's lap.*_

**Juliet: **I think that answers the question which one of is the more sensitive member of the group. Aside from Jack, obviously, who is in another league of his own…

**Carletta: **_*gently* _Claire, it was an accident. People in this very room have done much worse things on purpose as well. You shouldn't punish yourself for it.

**Charlie: **_*from the roof* _Yeah, Claire. I mean, we've all done terrible things… OOH LOOK! A PIGEON!

_*Ana snorts with laughter, something which is so unexpected and unreal it actually breaks time… But, you know, we fixed it…with some duct tape and a kiss, the way all things SHOULD be mended.*_

**Carletta: **Your mom's alive, you know that?

**Claire: **Well, yeah…I know that now. But the guilt is just too much to bear… I have to end it… _*reaches for a box of suspicious looking pills*_

**Carletta: **NO! CLAIRE, DON'T!

**Claire: **Don't what? Take some tic tacs so my bad breath goes away? God, you guys are overly dramatic. _*takes some tic tacs*_

**Carletta: **Ok, your relationship with Thomas… _*sees Claire's aghast look* _Oh come on! I have to cover all grounds here. It's not your job to like what I bring up, it's your job to listen, talk, and then GET BETTER! Now…Thomas…

**Ben: **It just occurred to me how many Toms we have on this show. Do the writers know there are other names in the world?

**Carletta: **_*shrugging* _I don't know. It's my job to psychoanalyse you lot, not the writers. Thank heavens…I'd love to know what they were high on when they came up with the random polar bears and the smoke monsters.

**Locke: **_*angrily* _HEY! They made WTF television cool again!

**Carletta: **Whatever. Claire, talk! Share with the group, bearing in mind they are just as screwed up as you are. More so, I'd argue.

**Jack: **HEY! That's my sister!

**Carletta: **Irrelevant. I'm coming onto that issue anyway, so butt out Shephardella. Go find your fairy Smoke Mother and quit bothering me.

**Sawyer: **_*grinning* _Ooh, Carletta just got her claws out. Me like.

_*Jack looks stunned and doesn't, for once, know what to say, so he does a combination of his three most common activities; his eyes well up, he looks longingly at Kate, and he stubbornly tries to fix something to take his mind off the hurt. Oh, and he does a bit of heavy breathing into the bargain*_

**Claire: **What do you want to know that wasn't made abundantly clear with my centric episode? He was a jerk, end of.

**Charlie: **YEAH! GO CLAIRE! I CAN SEE OUR TENT FROM HERE!

**Carletta: **Is anyone going to get him down? He's rather distracting…

**Ben: **NO! HE'LL LEARN HIS LESSON BETTER IF HE STAYS UP THERE! THE HOBBIT BALLOON!

**Carletta: **Ok… Well, this is awkward. Claire….please tell me you can add something to that very vague answer! Share a memory of Thomas. Any memory.

**Claire: **Um, he knocked me up and left me. There? Will that do?

_*Carletta sighs; Charlie laughs; Ben prods Charlie's legs with a large stick.*_

**Jack: **Look, you can take the piss out of us, if you like, just leave Claire alone.

**Carletta: **_*raising an eyebrow* _That's very noble of you, Jack. This isn't going to turn into another 'Leave Britney alone' type of fiasco is it?

_*Jack lowers the camera, looking wary.*_

**Carletta: **Right…You just took idiocy to the next level.

**Danielle: **Claire is a nice woman. Very nice. You leave her alone or I'll set off one of my many, many, many, many, many, many, many…

_*Ten minutes later.*_

**Danielle: **…many, many traps!

**Ben: **S'true. The woman has many traps. _*rubs head and winces* _

**Desmond: **_*laughing at Charlie* _I saw a vision of you like that, brother, but I thought I was just drunk again! I feel like a….like a God!

**Charlie: **That's funny, because I was just thinking what a complete and utter twit you are. A monkey would be a refreshing step up from you. A monkey wouldn't tell me I was going to die every 108 minutes.

**Hurley: **Ha…a reference to the button. That was…that was pretty cool.

**Carletta: **Can we get back to Claire here? Ok, fine let's ignore Thomas then. Who would you say are the most positive influences in your life at the moment?

_*Claire looks at Charlie's legs, then at Carletta, then at Charlie's legs, and then sighs.*_

**Claire: **I was going to say Charlie, but what kind of man allows himself to be flung through the roof of an old shack like a rag doll?

**Charlie: **A unique one!

_*Claire rolls her eyes but hides a smile.*_

**Claire: **And of course there's Aaron, who's…not in this room. _*starts to panic* _WHERE'S MY BAAAABBBYY?

_*Most of the men duck for cover. Ana uses Eko as a shield, as you do, and Kate tries to reason with the wrath of Claire, before she gets blown away.*_

**Carletta: **How on earth, good woman, do you keep losing your child?

**Michael: **Ha! I'm not the only one! TAKE THAT, SUCKERS!

**Charlie: **Michael, I like you and all, but if you don't stop being a twit, I'll wriggle free and crush you with my EN-OR-MOUS buttocks.

**Carletta: **Claire…stop tipping up the chairs like that…he's unlikely to be playing hide and seek is he?**Claire: **Where, oh, where is my BABYYYYYYY?

**Carletta: **And to think…I actually _wanted _this madness. _*shakes head* _Ugh. Nothing has changed with this loony lot.

**Jack: **Actually…we're no longer on television. That's something that's changed. _*bursts into tears* _WHYYYYYY?

**Ben: **They COMPLETELY rejected my new spin-off show: Two and a Half Smoke Monsters. I tried Lord of the Island, but likewise, that proved to be an utter failure. And I won't even go into how much they hated the idea of Lost and the City. _*sighs dejectedly* _I have been reaping nothing but failures as of late and nothing can cheer me up. _*pokes Charlie's legs and then giggles.*_

**Carletta: **Ignoring Aaron's absence of presence, and Ben's absence of a brain, let's get back to you, Claire. _*smiles* _Your relationship with Charlie has obviously been something we've all found interesting.

**Miles: **Speak for yourself!

_*Claire chucks a shoe at him and looks dangerously close to becoming Crazy Claire again.*_

**Miles: **_*sarcastically* _I'm sorry. Did my one tangible contribution to this discussion cause offence? Whoops. My bad.

**Ana: **_*to Miles* _Hm, I suddenly find you appealing.

_*She glares when someone starts singing 'Can you Feel the Love Tonight?*_

**Claire: **To follow up on your point, Carletta, Charlie has - or was, I don't know if he'll ever come back from there - been the best part of my life, as well as Aaron. When he's not, you know, doing drugs, or trying to drown babies…

**Charlie: **That was ONE time….And I wasn't trying to drown him!

**Claire: **…he's pretty sweet. And I know he cares about me. Just not enough to get his ass down from the damn ceiling…

**Charlie: **IF I COULD GET DOWN, DO YOU THINK I'D BE HANGING AROUND HERE?

**Sawyer: **YES WE DO! WE THINK YOU'RE JUST HANGING AROUND FOR LARKS. Pun definitely intended. _*snickers*_

**Carletta: **I thought your story was very touching the way it wrapped up… _*sniffs* _I mean…you were there…at his show…and you grabbed his…hand…_*bawls like a baby* _OH MY GOD! IT WAS THE BEST REUNION EVER!

**Sawyer: **_*sourly* _Guess we know which ship you're captain of, then.

**Claire: **SERIOUSLY, GUYS! WHERE THE HELL IS MY BABY?

**Michael: **_*hopefully* _Maybe, if you shout his name for a while, he'll come to you. And I won't look like such a twit for shouting Walt all the time.

**Claire: **I'm desperate, but not that desperate, Michael. And yes, that was a touching moment, Carletta. Very moving, uh-huh, now surrender my child!

_*She tears apart the cabin trying to find Aaron and everyone becomes terrified.*_

**Ana: **This chick is freakin' nuts!

**Charlie: **HEY! Don't make me drop down on you!

**Ana: **Just try it! Just try it and watch me whoop your butt!

**Charlie: **_*grunting loudly* _Ok….just…let…me…Ok, I may be on the stuck side of things.

**Claire: **_*angrily* _Oh, ANA, you try to get out for! Not me. YOU MEN ARE ALL THE SAME!

**Charlie: **_*pausing* _I wasn't aware it was a frequent habit for men to be wedged into a gap in the roof, and then only trying to come back to earth for another woman. This is the weirdest way of accusing me of cheating ever!

**Jack: **Is Carletta still crying?

**Claire: **Yep. God, she calls us a bag of emotional wrecks but when it comes down to it, she's just as bad as us… WHERE ARE YOU, YOU DEMON CHILD?

**Sawyer: **_*ironically*_ Ah, the touching love between a mother and her child…

**Carletta: **_*recovering* _Right…on with the s-session. _*laughs nervously* _Anyone would think you lot had driven me to a breakdown.

**Ben: **Wouldn't surprise me.

**Carletta:** Claire…Ah, what's the point? We might as well wrap this all up and just maybe do a part two or something. Claire's not gonna concentrate whilst she's in the middle of…holding Walt hostage? Brilliant. That's all we need…

**Claire: **I will harm the boy unless you surrender my child.

**Michael: **My boy! My Walt! WALLLLLLLLLT!

_*Kate suddenly appears and rugby tackles Claire to the ground. The two women wrestle, to the delight of the men.*_

**Charlie: **_*agonised* _What's going on? I can't see!

**Sawyer: **Er… Kate has got Claire in a headlock and I…I am a little turned on, if I'm brutally honest.

_*Juliet hits him over the head with a wet fish.*_

**Hurley: **_Dudettes_…chill!

_*Neither of the women pay the least bit of attention to him and actually growl at each other like lionesses.*_

**Hurley: **Or don't. That's cool too…

**Ben: **_*abashed* _At what point did it stop being funny that we took her son?

_*The entire room stares at him - with the exception of Kate and Claire - unable to say anything.*_

**Ben: **Anyone for the dark side? We have cookies.

_*The room continues to stare at him, with only Hurley slowly raising a hand before Sawyer smacks him hard, forcing him to lower it.*_

* * *

**A/n: Hey, I'm back! This chapter was interesting, to say the least, but it seems like these are getting harder and harder to write. So I think I'm gonna draw this to a conclusion soon. If I get more ideas, naturally I'll keep posting but I'm actually running out of issues to feature, believe it or not lol. I have the next five chapters planned though, so that's all good! Thank you so much for the reviews! They overwhelm me, and the quoting of the best bits makes me chuckle all over again. You guys are seriously awesome. I wish I could give you all a hug. Ah, well, a virtual one will have to do for now, right? **


	27. In Which Jacob & MIB have a smokedown!

_Session 27: In Which Jacob and the MIB have a smokedown!_

_Carletta tries to dominate the session, as usual, but her voice is drowned out by the noise. Michael is chasing Walt around the room…for no properly explained reason. Locke hurls a box towards Ben screaming 'My box is better than your box!' and everyone else is arguing…_

**Carletta: **This is just beyond silly… _*blows whistle loudly*_ SILENCE!

_*The room obeys, each person returning reluctantly to their seat, enjoying the momentary conflict.*_

**Jacob: **Ooh yay! It's our session isn't it? _*smirks at his brother* _Told you!

**Man In Black: **_*sourly*_ You are _so_ unfunny.

**Sun: **_*frowning*_ Why do you two hate each other so much? Surely the reason you can't get off the island is because it's an _island_. You should get a boat.

**Man In Black: **It's a lot complicated than that…although that was never explained on the show that well… In fact…where did they get the idea I was evil from? I don't think I did anything worthy of the title of being evil?

**Carletta: **You killed your mother…then your brother. _*hesitates*_ Was the island really that bad you couldn't stick it out for the rest of eternity?

_*The Man in Black rolls his eyes and doesn't dignify that with a comment.*_

**Jack: **_*complaining* _Why were these two considered _fascinating?_ I don't get why they're so interesting. All they do is feud and fight and try and get off the island. BORING!

**Man In Black:** _*heavily sarcastic*_ Right…And _you've_ not done _anything _like that, whatsoever… God, you sicken me. You always have to be right, don't you?

**Jack: **_*uncertainly*_ Er…not _always._

**Carletta:** _*scanning her notes briefly*_ Can you guys describe your relationship growing up? Was it…happy?

**Jacob:** Er…mostly. We frolicked amongst the flowers, held hands, and made daisy chains… _*smiles dreamily*_

**Carletta:** _*snapping her head up*_ What?

**Jacob:** Er… we went _hunting_ and…rock climbing and…manly stuff. You know…manly stuff.

**Carletta:** Right… Of course I'll know all about _manly_ stuff, being a woman and all.

_*Sun giggles immaturely; Jin hits her with a battered copy of Twilight.*_

**Charlie: **Can _I_ ask a question? Seeing how I wasn't around when the whole Jacob-Man In Black scenario came about? _*scowls*_

**Carletta: **Fire away, Charlie. So long as it isn't the one about where babies come from…

**Charlie:** HEY! I was morbidly curious, ok? _*clears throat*_ Ok… I want to ask…

**Sawyer:** QUESTION STEALAGE! _*smirks*_ What's your real name…you? _*looks pointedly at the Man In Black*_ You gotta have one. Is it Paul? Rodrigo? _*winces*_ It's not Leslie is it?

**Arzt: **HEY! I'll have you know only the manliest of men can sport the name Leslie and still be secure about their sexuality. _*starts flirting with a spider*_

**Man In Black: **It's Samuel, actually. The writer's confirmed it…I forget how many days ago. Not Esau, as some people believed. _*snorts with disbelief*_ Do I _look_ like an Esau to you?

**Jacob:** _*snickering*_ Nope…but you could carry off the name Edna.

_*Man In Black scowls at Jacob and grips the chair tightly, clearly trying not to transform into black smoke.*_

**Carletta: **_*patiently*_ So, I believe you are adopted? You weren't too pleased with that, Samuel, obviously, but what did you think about it Jacob?

**Jacob: **It was a shock, sure, but I got over it. _I_ can handle my baggage.

**Man In Black: **_*enraged*_ And what's _that_ supposed to mean?

**Jacob:** You fail. End of story. _*smirks*_

**Man In Black: **Very mature, Jacob. We're not kids anymore.

**Jacob:** Then why do you throw like one?

**Carletta:** Ok…you two need to stop. Is there no chance of reconciliation between you guys? Like at all?

**Man In Black: **When Hell freezes over.

**Boone: **Don't say that to Jacob! He's Lucifer, just FYI.

_*Everyone turns to stare at Boone, who holds up Supernatural in his hands.*_

**Shannon:** So, what, you've just completely forsaken your show now? Traitor.

**Boone:** _*impatiently*_ If a seventh season emerges, _Shan_, let me know and I'll _unforsake_ it but whilst that remains under the category of _unlikely_, give me a break, buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours.

**Richard: **Which of you is the devil? I am confused. In my centric episode… _*flashes a smile*_ …you both claimed the other was evil. Who turned out to be the good one?

**Jacob, Man In Black:** Oh, that's easy. It's me!

_*They turn and glare at each other.*_

**Jacob, Man In Black:** No…it's ME!

_*Their glares intensify.*_

**Jacob, Man In Black: **SHUT UP! It's me, not you!

**Carletta: **Will you guys shut up? You're infantile arguments are giving me a headache.

**Jacob: **Sure… _I_ can behave. _*smiles angelically*_ I was always aiding the survivors…

**Hurley:** _*angrily*_ Aiding? Dude, you were like _Yoda_ for heaven's sake! You were mysterious and…and…cryptic and had less than helpful advice!

**Jacob:** Still I helped.

**Man In Black:** _*rolls eyes*_ Yeah, you were an _awfully_ big help. Remind me not to skip down the yellow brick room and ask _you _for help anytime soon, _bro_.

**Charlotte: **I have a question…assholes. _*glares*_ Wanna explain how the friggin' island can move in time? I've been itching to ask ever since, I dunno, I _died_.

**Daniel: **N-Now, Charlotte…let's not bother these gentlemen…

**Charlotte:** No…let's!

**Daniel:** Ok…I was about to remark what a good idea it was anyway. _*looks scared*_

**Jacob: **IT'S MAGICAL, CHARLOTTE! _*waves arms around*_ THE ISLAND IS MAGICAL!

_*Charlotte looks unimpressed.*_

**Man In Black:** It's a sci-fi show, genius. You figure it out.

_*Charlotte growls but leans back in her seat and sulks.*_

**Jacob: **I think my explanation was better.

**Man In Black:** You would.

**Carletta: **Ok… _*rolls eyes*_ Let's move on. Jacob…the cryptic-ness…would it have _killed_ you to be a little more open?

**Jacob: **Er…

**Michael:** He has to _think_ about it?

**Ben:** What a first class douche!

**Juliet:** Shut up, Ben.

**Ben:** Yes, wif – er, Juliet. _*looks abashed*_

**Locke: **So…let me get this straight. Was I dead all along then? The dude walking around in season six wasn't me?

**Carletta:** _*sadly*_ Nope. You were dead.

**Jack:** Sorry, bud…I died too, if it helps.

**Locke:** You're sorry? _*scoffs*_ At least you made it right to the bitter end. Literally. Your stupid eye was the last thing we saw! And the first!

**Jack:** _*grinning*_ It is an awesome eye.

**Man In Black: **I was rather cunning when I found my loophole. I killed you good, Jacob. You burned in Hell where you belong!

_*Boone scowls at the Man In Black but doesn't say anything.*_

**Jacob: **Now I'm hurt by that remark. I didn't _mean_ to kill you and then turn you into black smoke. It was an accident. Could've happened to anyone!

**Liam:** I once told Charlie if he climbed into the washing machine and I switched it on he'd go back in time because it was a time machine.

_*The room absorbs that, whilst Sawyer smirks in Charlie's direction.*_

**Jacob:** That's lame…I once told Samuel if drank a bunch of seawater and killed a seagull, he'd turn into a warlock. _*sniggers*_

**Liam:** LAME! I mixed dog food in with Charlie's cereal, pretending it was this secret recipe which would give him magic.

**Jacob:** _*looks impressed*_ Not bad…I once told Samuel he had a terminal disease and the only way to cure it was to do a naked dance for twenty four hours on the top of the cliff. _*smirks*_ If only cameras had been invented…

**Liam:** _*smirking*_ Younger siblings are awesome to have, aren't they?

**Man In Black:** _*haughtily*_ There's no empirical evidence I'm the youngest. We both arrived at the same time…to a different woman, I might add…and so we'll never really know who exactly is the oldest. And it would only be by a few minutes anyway.

**Carletta:** _*sighs*_ Let's skip all the brother issues for a moment. I suppose spending an infinite amount of time with the same people _would_ drive you mad…

**Jack:** How'd you figure that one out?

_*Carletta gives him a wry smile.*_

**Carletta:** I learned a lot watching _you_ hooligans, that's how. Bearing in mind you started attacking each other on the second or third _day_. _*shakes head*_ Talk about acting like savages…

**Michael:** Dudes…at least you didn't have a son you got to know and then lose frequently over a short period of time. _*shakes head* _Man, was _that_ a challenge…

**Man In Black: **You suck, Michael. That's why you never ended up 'moving on'. You just ended up a whisper like the failure you are.

**Carletta:** HEY! There'll be none of that here. This is a supportive environment…

**Charlie:** SAWYER SUCKS EGGS!

**Sawyer:** _*mock gasping*_ Like that even makes sense! Least I don't try to drown babies 'cause of a _dream!_

**Jack:** WHERE'S KATE? ME NO LIKEY WHEN KATE NOT HERE-Y!

**Locke:** _*at Ben*_ YOU SUCK! I wasn't MEANT to die!

**Richard:** _*confusedly*_ Yes, you were. That's what you told me when you were pretending to be you…Oh no, I've gone cross-eyed. _*falls backwards of his chair*_

**Man In Black:** That was me! You eyeliner-wearing, puffy eyed, immortal freak!

**Ana:** HEY! _*snarls*_ Nobody insults Richard Alpert!

**Man In Black:** _*incredulously*_ Hey, before these sessions you had no _clue_ who Richard even was! Why? Because you were six feet under, that's why!

**Carletta:** _*wailing*_ Why has everyone devolved into cavemen and started yelling? THIS IS MADNESS!

_*The Man In Black and Ana rise to their feet and start yelling. Michael looks from one to the other with wide, uncertain eyes. Jack overturns chairs in the search for Kate. Carletta blows off steam by yelling at the person next to her, who just happens to be a frightened Jin… It's utter madness.*_

**Jacob: **_*serenely*_ Peace, my children, peace…

_*No one listens.*_

**Jacob:** _*huffily*_ Or not…whatever floats your boat.

**Man In Black:** I don't have a boat! That's the whole _problem._

**Jacob: **Well boo-hoo! I don't have a gold house on the beach but you don't see _me_ crying!

**Man In Black:** _*sarcastically*_ Yes, being stuck on an island you hate and not having a gold house is really the same thing. Idiot!

**Carletta: **Whoa! Can you guys just take a _time_ _out_, for heaven's sake? _*turns to the Man In Black*_ You said something in the season five finale that resonated with me. You said 'they come, they fight, they destroy, they corrupt…it always ends the same.' Yes or no?

**Man In Black:** I may have said that…what's your point?

**Carletta:** Isn't that what you guys have done? So…you're kind of hypocritical. I mean, you guys were born, you fought, you destroyed and you kind of corrupted people. Not necessarily _you,_ Jacob, but… _*looks pointedly at the Man In Black*_

**Jacob:** YES! Off the hook!

**Carletta:** No…you're not.

**Jacob:** _*sulkily*_ Aw, man! _*kicks a chair*_

**Sawyer: **Well, _that's_ mature. To think, this guy was keeper of the _island_ and here is he throwing tantrums like a toddler.

**Carletta:** You can't talk, Sawyer.

**Sawyer:** _*confused*_ My lips are moving…and words are coming out…what does that mean on _your_ planet then? Feeding time?

_*Carletta removes her shoe and executes a well aimed throw as the shoe hits Sawyer's head and knocks him out of his chair. Rubbing his head and scowling, he returns to his seat, muttering darkly underneath his breath.*_

**Man In Black:** _*looks at her with mild interest*_ Why were you never on the show? You would've made a formidable opponent, or at least a sassy sidekick.

_*Carletta shrugs, not looking particularly bothered.*_

**Carletta: **My job is to _counsel_, not to act alongside a band of babbling band of buffoons. _*under her breath*_ Though you wouldn't know it from looking.

**Ana: **I object to that!

**Carletta:** You object to everything, Ana, that's why you're unlikable.

**Ana:** That's true!

**Carletta: **So…Jacob. You were very cryptic in most – if not all – your scenes. Wanna explain why you didn't just share all?

**Jacob:** _*considers the question*_ Because it wouldn't have been very Lost-y if I'd blabbed everything. And, really, who would listen to the word of a strange man in the middle of a jungle, wearing clothes that are so old even time has abandoned them?

_*Jack and Ben – who both clearly would do that – start to slowly move backwards in their chairs.*_

**Man In Black: **What he really means is that he's happy to tell all if it'll get me into trouble but not if it helps anybody else.

**Carletta:** _*angrily*_ This is silly now. Come on, you're both grown men. Can't you see that conflict is the real conflict here?

**Man In Black:** _*blankly*_ Huh?

**Jacob:** What?

**Carletta: **You argue for the sake of arguing. I mean, years of repressed emotions and lack of communication has led you to this point!

**Sawyer:** Hey! That's actually a useful thing to have pointed out. How come you've never given any of _us_ that kind of speech?

**Carletta:** Because you never give me chance to speak! Usually, I'm busy solving disputes which are completely irrelevant! If it's not Sun throwing a tantrum because she's bored, or Jack crying because _something_ in his world has gone terribly, horribly wrong, then it's Charlie getting stuck in the damn roof, Claire losing her baby or you flirting with everything and anyone who bats an eyelash in your direction! _*pants*_ Man, that felt good to get off my chest!

**Ana:** Well, maybe if ya grew a pair, you'd be able to handle us hooligans.

**Carletta:** _*losing her temper*_ And, maybe, if you weren't so trigger happy, you would've actually kept someone alive long enough to make a _friend._

**Ana:** Bitch.

**Carletta:** Well, Ana, I learn from the best. _*gives a mock salute*_ Guess what my New Year's resolution was? To be a tough ass therapist.

**Charlie: **Yay….

**Carletta:** Don't be a kiss ass, Charlie.

**Charlie:** Oh…ok… _*quietly*_ Yay…

**Jacob: **So? Are we cured yet?

**Carletta:** _*laughing quietly*_ Sometimes, Jacob, I wonder about you…I want you to turn to your brother and confess something to him. Anything you like. I just need you guys to _communicate_ again.

**Jacob:** Ok…brother. I'll tell you a secret. I've always been mom's favourite.

**Man In Black:** Have not!

**Jacob:** Have too!

**Man In Black:** Have not!

**Jacob:** _*thinking fast*_ Have not!

**Man In Black:** Have too!

**Jacob:** HA!

**Man In Black:** DAMN IT!

**Carletta:** _*flatly*_ You know what…this isn't worth my time or effort. _*leans back*_ I need a holiday.

**Ben:** How about the island from Lost?

**Carletta:** No thank you…I don't wanna hear Matthew Fox's heavy breathing…

**Jack:** Matthew Fox is the actor who plays…OH YOU SO DIDN'T!

**Sawyer:** HA! HA! HA! _*chokes much to Charlie's delight*_

**Jacob:** I can solve all of this with just a click of my fingers.

_*He snaps his fingers and all of a sudden they're absolutely nowhere. For miles and miles, there is absolutely…nothing.*_

**Carletta:** Ok, I'll be the one to say this –guys… where are we?

**Charlie:** ARGH! YOU STOLE MY LINE! I'LL KILL YOU!

_*He gets angry and starts to turn into…a puff of smoke. A rather pathetic and laughable puff of smoke. The Man in Black laughs and blows him away.*_

**Carletta: **_*stares*_ Ok…that right there…was messed up. I'm not gonna…I'm just…I need to… Oh screw it. I'm going to lie down…

**A/n: This was hard to do. Hopefully you'll find humour here and laugh… *crosses fingers* :P Anyway, thanks for reviewing guys! Really means a lot that you continue having faith in this story. **

Next session: In Which Libby Adlibs (Get it? Huh? Huh?)


	28. Session 28: In Which Libby Adlibs

Session 28: In Which Libby Adlibs (Get it?)

**Hurley: **_*loudly* _I don't!

**Carletta: **Don't what?

**Hurley: **_*pointing to title* _I don't get the title! Is there a pun or something? I don't like not understanding things.

**Carletta: **So, why on earth were you in _Lost_? Ugh, never mind. I should know by now not to ask inane questions like that. It's more pointless than teaching Jack about any number after 5.

**Jack: **True…I do have a certain…fondness for counting up to five.

**Carletta: **Ok…enough with the distractions. Let's concentrate on Libby.

_*The entire room creepily turns towards Libby, who shrinks (no pun intended) into her chair, looking intimidated*_

**Libby: **I know nothing! I shall reveal nothing!

**Carletta: **_*pauses* _Yeah, but you do, and you will, isn't that right?

**Libby: **Yes.

**Ben: **I have no respect for people who cave in so…so…easily! You'd never find me caving in like a… _girl_.

_*Ana and Kate exchange a wry glance before making their way over to a now nervous looking Ben. The three of them then disappear into a dust cloud, and only the odd squeak of submission from Ben can be heard.*_

**Kate: **Say it!

**Ana: **SAY. IT!

**Ben: **_*weakly* _I am a weenie who is a sexist pig and who should go live under someone's stairs.

**Kate: **And….? _*glares*_

**Ben: **I don't wanna say it! I refuse to!

_*Ana grabs Ben's ear and twists it sharply.*_

**Ben: **Alright! Alright! Juliet is not, nor ever will be, my wife. And Kate is definitely NOT my backup girl. She is, and always will be, Jack's girl.

**Kate: **_*approvingly* _That's better.

**Jack: **Ha…

**Carletta: **Have you finished?

**Kate: **Not by a long shot! I still have to get that evil swine back for making me have breakfast with him! _*pretends to vomit* _THAT. WAS. TORTURE!

**Sayid: **YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TORTURE IS! STOP BEING INSENSITIVE TO TORTURERS!

**Jack: **_*sarcastically* _Yeah, because they have it SO rough…

**Carletta: **I'm gonna stop this before Sayid starts a charity campaign for torturers. So…Libby. You're a mystery. Explain.

**Libby: **That's oddly direct and to the point.

**Carletta: **I kind of have to be direct. I am a tough ass therapist now, remember? So. Tell us something about yourself we don't already know. Seriously. We know diddly squat about you.

**Libby: **I was married.

**Desmond: **I knew that already. PAH! _*starts to drink his way into oblivion*_

**Charlie: **Oh, Desmond…why are you an alcoholic?

**Desmond: **_*puzzled* _Because I drink a lot. That is the word for people who drink a lot. And it's not easy being an alcoholic you know. _*stands up on his chair, addressing the room* _It's not just a hobby! It's not just for Christmas… It's a way of life. This land is littered with failed alcoholics! Well not this boy…no!

**Carletta: **Fascinating stuff, Desmond…Congratulations. You've just volunteered yourself as the centre of the next session.

**Desmond: **Did I? Oh, crap…

**Libby: **_*interrupting* _Er…well, my real name is Elizabeth. My husband was called David. I was in Santa Rose… I remember Hurley being there…

**Hurley: **OOH! OOH! LOST CONNECTION! _*faints*_

**Sawyer: **TIIIIIIIIMMMMBEEEEEER! _*chuckles* _I really am being great.

**Juliet: **_*sarcastically* _I'm surprised your ego can fit in this room, James. Put a leash on that, will you?

**Sawyer: **And the dog can bite. Bitch.

**Juliet: **Jerk.

**Carletta: **How do you two have issues? You two are perfect. The online world has already proven that!

**Sawyer: **_*shrugging* _Meh. It's not worth going into. Juliet still thinks I'm into Kate, let's just leave it at that.

**Kate: **Purrrr…

**Sawyer: **What?

**Kate: **Er, I said… poor you.

**Carletta: **_*sighing* _I can't believe how sane the first session sounded compared to all the sessions which took place after it. Let's go back to Libby, who, so far, has failed to tell us something we didn't already know.

**Libby: **I'm religious. I know I don't strike you as the type but I have faith there's something greater than us out there. I used to go church a lot, even after David died. _*shrugs* _I wouldn't go as far to say that everything happens for a reason but I do believe in a form of destiny.

**Locke: **BOO YEAH!

**Carletta: **_*frowning* _Didn't that saying come up in one of the other sessions?

**Ana: **Since I've got nothing better to do, I'll check.

_*She sidles over to a random computer and absorbs herself in her task.*_

**Carletta: **_*turns to Libby, smiling encouragingly* _Thank you for sharing that information, Libby. Did you have any siblings at all? Any deep dark family secrets?

**Libby: **No, I was a single child. _*smiles sadly* _No kids either, if that's what you mean. I would've loved to have children.

**Michael: **_*shoving Walt forwards* _Take this one! I'm fed up with him!

**Libby: **Er…

**Walt: **I have a mouth of my own, Dad! I can speak my own mind!

**Michael: **I know…That's the problem! You're such a problem child.

**Jack: **KATE, JUST MARRY ME ALREADY!

**Charlie: **I lost my shoe… _*sad face*_

**Miles: **I think I'm a God…

**Carletta: **_*faintly* _That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. Ok, here we go… Michael and Walt…sort your differences out now! You can't replace family so don't even try. Jack, stop spontaneously proposing. You're dead, dude, get over it. Charlie…the less said about you the better. I think you lost your shoe somewhere between 'I don't and 'care'. Miles…why do you think you're a God?

**Miles: **I dunno…Just do.

_*There's a brief pause. Carletta sighs in exasperation.*_

**Carletta: **Well, that's…clear. _*sighs*_ Oh my days, this is one hell of a job. Ok…Libby…

**Frank: **Is it ok that I've also changed my name to Libby?

**Carletta: **Hell no! And where the hell have you been?

**Frank: **I've been drinking with my good bud, Desmond. _*hiccups* _Also…trying to discover gold…Accidentally discovered green in the process.

**Carletta: **_*flatly* _Green? As in the colour.

**Frank: **HOW DID YOU KNOW? We must alert the media… _*passes out*_

**Ana: **_*from the computer* _HA! If you read these sessions from the point of an outsider, it actually makes our antics seem hilarious!

_*This fic comes dangerously close to breaking the fourth wall…Oops. We've broken it. Sorry…*_

**Libby: **Am I not being entertaining enough for you to concentrate on, Carletta? _*stands up in protest* _Speaking as a clinical psychologist I…

**Carletta: **You try working under these conditions! This must be what war is like, only instead of people dying, we have utter loons doing whatever the hell they like!

**Libby: **Have you ever tried, I don't know, a patient approach? Because this lot, in case you haven't noticed, thrive on mischief and chaos.

**Carletta: **How am I getting psychoanalysed by one of my own patients?

**Ben: **I would jump in and say it's because you fail but Kate's looking at me funny… I'm scared.

**Juliet: **_*smugly* _You should be. She dislocated my shoulder without a problem. She's one tough bitch.

**Carletta: **Can we direct this mindless stream of rubbish in the direction of Libby please?

_*Sawyer and Miles proceed to fling rubbish at Libby.*_

**Carletta:**_*scowling* _I didn't mean literally, guys. Thanks for adding to the global warming crisis.

**Jacob: **THERE'S A CRISIS? Brother - to the Smoke Mobile!

**Man In Black: **By that, I take it you mean you want me to turn into smoke and allow you to climb up on my back?

**Jacob: **I always said you were the smart one. Let us fly…Well, let's let YOU fly.

_*He disappears along with the Man In Black. A stunned silence follows.*_

**Jin: **What…happened?

**Sun: **I have _no_ idea…

**Carletta: **Two nutters down… _*she chuckles ironically* _Back to you, Libby…How did you find the first 48 days of surviving the island? Any traumas or challenges you wanna share?

**Libby: **Other than Ana, no. _*giggles* _I'm joking…

**Ana: **Better be…bitch. I've just discovered the power of fan fiction! And I can write you a violently successful death if you continue to besmirch the good name that is…Ana Lucia Cortez! _*cackles evilly*_

**Miles: **She. Is. Awesome! I wanna marry this woman!

_*He realizes what he's just said and looks momentarily stunned, before trying to laugh it off, staring at his lap.*_

**Carletta: **_*hiding a smirk* _I hope you both live happily ever after. _*coughs loudly* _Is there anything else you'd like to share Libby? Anything at all?

**Sawyer: **WHY DID YOU GO FOR TUBBY?

_*Libby blinks, startled by the question.*_

**Libby: **Excuse me?

**Sawyer: **Why. Did. You. Go. For. Tubby? Must I spell it out with Alphabet soup! Oh, my life is just a meaningless string of sordid affairs. No one understands… I am such a troubled shadow of a human being. _*pauses* _That was my impression of a patient in therapy. Was that not clear?

**Carletta: **Yes….Well, no.

**Sawyer: **Nevertheless, my question still stands! Why did you fall for Tubby bear?

**Libby: **Hurley?

**Sawyer:** No, I was on about Jack, funnily enough.

**Libby: **What?

**Jack: **I'M FAT? _*wails and runs out the room*_

**Hurley: **_*waking up* _Dude…I'm not fat, ok? I just have big bones.

_*Sawyer rolls his eyes. Jack's loud sobs can be heard from outside the cabin. Kate rushes to comfort him.*_

**Libby: **I fell for Hurley because he's sweet and kind and a perfect gentleman. We have a lot in common.

**Sawyer: **You both like food?

_*Hurley pokes Sawyer in the stomach, winding him.*_

**Libby: **No, silly. Because we were both lost souls trying to find some ground to stand on. We both used different things to hide our struggle, but the struggle was there all the same. Hurley ate because he was unhappy…

**Sawyer: **…and hungry…

**Libby: **And I sort of became a shadow of myself as I tried to find myself after David's death.

**Carletta: **Hate to ruin the beautiful moment but…you're kinda stealing my thunder here, Libby.

**Libby: **Three words: suck it up.

_*Sawyer looks gleeful and leans in for a high five, only for Hurley to push his chair from underneath him so he falls to the ground.*_

**Locke: **I think it says a lot when one of us actually manages to get themselves to talk more than our therapist.

**Carletta: **Thanks for that observation, Locke. Now…let's see if your bald head can successfully deflect a saucepan…

_*Angry, she hurls a saucepan at him and it knocks him out.*_

**Juliet: **Apparently not…

**Libby: **This has been unproductive…

**Carletta: **Not really… We've found out a lot of things today. We've found out Miles and Sawyer have egos the size of Britain. We've found out you'll always be a mystery because that's just your "character". ANDDDD, most importantly, we've learned Locke's head is not able to successfully deflect objects. _*nods wisely* _

**Ana: **I've located the chapter where Ben says Boo Yeah! We were talking about families and Ben came out with it.

**Carletta: **Thanks, Ana, but I no longer care.

**Ana: **You bitch! _*starts typing away* _For that…I'm going to write a one-shot all about how you set off each and every one of Rousseau's traps!

**Carletta: **Okay…You do that.

**Ana: **I'm gonna do that, and you'll be like 'Oh Ana! I should've paid more attention to Ana instead of blowing her off all the time!'

**Carletta: **We won't know that until you type it up!

**Ana: **I'm gonna do it!

**Carletta: **There's the computer.

_*There's a brief pause before Ana shuts the computer down and goes back to her seat.*_

**Ana: **I'll be good.

**Libby: **Was I the only one who GENUINELY liked Ana? I thought she was… _*struggles to find a positive adjective*_

**Sawyer: **I tapped that. Literally.

_*Juliet wrinkles her nose in disgust.*_

**Juliet: **And I'm hearing about this _now? _

**Sawyer:** What can I say, sweet cheeks? Therapy just brings out all my dark secrets. _*laughs* _

**Carletta: **I seem to recall in your session you were very unhelpful and mean.

_*Sawyer gives her a 'So?' look and she retreats, sensing there's no point in provoking him.*_

**Carletta: **_*sigh* _Let's wrap it up, folks. This has been unproductive.

**Libby: **_*outraged* _I said that and you totally shot down my argument!

**Carletta: **Oops…Well, I'm in charge here and what I say goes.

**Ben: **Now, that sounds familiar. _*flinches as Ana gives him a death stare* _IT DOESN'T! I WAS LYING! DON'T HURT MEEEEEE!

**Carletta: **_*sigh* _Why do I even bother?

* * *

**A/n: I've got some good news and bad news. The bad news is that I've picked a number to end the story on, but I'm not gonna tell you because otherwise it'll be a countdown and it'll ruin your enjoyment of the collection. Please keep the death threats to a minimum lol. **

**The good news is that there's still a while to go. And I've got a fantastic and surprising thing planned for the last ever session. I think you'll enjoy it. Also, for those of you who are interested, I've made a banner to sort of promote the fic. I can't post the link here but if you're interested in seeing it just inbox me. :) Google Michaela MacManus and look at the pictures of her in a suit, because that's how I imagine Carletta to look. You might have your own ideas. **

**Thanks again for the brilliant reviews! I see new readers have hopped on board so thank you! *hugs* **


	29. Session 29: In Which Desmond Sees All

Session 29: In Which Desmond Sees What's Coming

_Carletta is drinking what appears to be an alcoholic beverage as she watches the room with disapproval. Charlie and Claire are playing tug of war with Aaron; Locke is arguing with Jack about the pros of trying to clone the island - don't ask - and Ben jumps out of his seat every time Ana or Kate glance his way._

**Desmond: **Am I drunk? Or does that title have my name in it?

_*He points at the title and, in the process, accidentally hits Charlie in the face.*_

**Carletta: **Don't you remember, Des? We clarified last session that you were going to be the centre of this week's session. Or were you too busy drinking yourself to death?

**Desmond: **I'd like to say it was the first option…but I'd be lying. _*lowers head in shame* _

**Locke: **_*in disgust* _Have we ever seen Desmond without a drink in his hand?

**Jack: **Have we ever seen _you _without your hunting knife?

**Locke: **Hmm…touché.

**Charlotte: **Who's Desmond? Did I even, like, meet him?

**Miles: **Briefly…for like a five second scene…I don't you think you ever interacted…

**Charlotte: **Oh…cool.

**Carletta: **_*sighs* _Ok, Desmond. Let's get this session started. These loonies do raise an interesting point. The drinking…

**Desmond: **Aye?

**Carletta: **Has it ever made you violent?

**Desmond: **IF I HAD A BOAT AND A GUN, I'D SHOOT YOU! Oh, wait…I don't have a gun…I have a boat though!

_*Carletta pulls a bitchface but doesn't respond.*_

**Carletta: **Okay… Has the drinking ever made you do something you'd never ordinarily do?

_*Desmond is sitting on Hurley's lap, playing with his hair and looking lovingly into his eyes.*_

**Desmond: **I - I love you…

**Penny: **The drinking stops the nightmares. But then he becomes a nightmare himself. Do you know how many bottles end up on the window sill by the end of the night?

**Sawyer: **Major. Joke. Opportunity. Must. Not. Screw. It. Up!

_*He breaks into song and starts singing one million green bottles before Desmond, in a blind rage, speeds over and smashes a bottle over his head, resulting in the conman sliding to the floor unconscious.*_

**Desmond: **My bottle! _*sobs*_

**Carletta: **I've seen people form attachments to weirder things… Penny, how do you cope when he's like this?

**Penny: **Well, I tuck him into bed and try and coax him into drinking water. Water, however, just makes him scream out Charlie's name and then he starts drinking some more… it's a vicious cycle.

**Charlie: **Aw, Des! I'm touched that my death has you all psychologically messed up! I'm so proud!

**Desmond: **Don't be…It's a long and dark road ahead. I wish I could just block out…everything. Why do you think I drink all the time? It helps me forget.

**Carletta: **Actually, statistically, alcohol usually brings up all the stuff you try and hide rather than repress it. Do you actually feel any better once you're in a state of drunken obliviousness?

**Desmond: **Ah….no.

**Carletta: **There you go. Drinking isn't the solution.

**Christian: **_*outraged* _It's the perfect solution! Why do you have a drink in your hand right now?

**Carletta: **It calms my nerves.

**Jack: **Dad…leave it!

**Christian: **_*eyes bulging* _Leave it? Leave it? Is that what you do when things get rough? You _leave_ it? Yeah, because you're such an expert on letting go!

**Carletta: **Is this a therapy session or an AA meeting?

**Desmond: **Bthoth.

**Carletta: **I'm sorry…? What was that?

**Penny: **_*sighing* _When he's drunk, he needs subtitles. He meant to say 'both'.

**Carletta: **Ah… Right, well, now that we've established drinking is not the answer, does anybody have any FREAKIN' idea how this man can survive cataclysmic explosions?

**Miles: **Pfft. Easy. He's a God…like me.

**Carletta: **WHERE DOES THIS GOD IDEA COME FROM?

**Locke:** Yeah… Come to think of it how did a show which only had about two characters with religious beliefs end with everyone in a church?

**Carletta: **I have no idea… But it's a nice thought, isn't it? That we'll all meet up with the people we love again in some other life? It's not quite Heaven…not quite Purgatory but just simply…another life.

_*The room absorbs that in silence. Kate and Jack exchange a quiet look. Charlie and Claire are still wrestling over Aaron…*_

**Miles:** I have blue hair…

**Charlotte: **What the _hell? _When did you get that done?

**Miles: **Somewhere between sessions 20 and 25. I don't remember. No one pays much attention, and the show is finished, so, really, it's not like they can sue me, or fire me or something.

_*In another room…*_

**Damon: **Well…that settles it. Lost will NEVER have a season seven now. Everyone can just blame Miles for that.

**Carlton: **Yeah, and we were going to give him his own spin-off as well. Oh well!

_*They proceed to tear up their scripts.*_

_*Back in the session…*_

**Miles: **DAMN IT!

**Kate: **You're a God, Miles. Fix it yourself.

**Miles: **I'm a special TYPE of God, Kate. Get it right!

**Kate: **You mean, the kind of God who isn't really a God?

**Miles: **….yeah.

**Carletta: **Idiot. Desmond…care to explain about how you can survive explosions and no one else can?

**Ilana: **I too would like to know! I have an irrational hatred of you right now..

**Arzt: **Me too! Although my opinion apparently doesn't matter so…

**Desmond: **I have NO idea. Maybe I've drunk myself to a state of invincibility? I'm a superhero? Er….I am God?

**Charlie: **Whaaaaat?

**Jack: **Bull. Shit.

**Desmond: **YOU try coming up with a plausible theory then!

**Jack: **I can't. I'm very busy…er…fixing things!

**Desmond: **Clearly.

**Penny: **I wished we saw how Desmond got back to me again. Assuming he did, of course.

**Hurley: **He did! I fixed things so that he did…Ben was most unhelpful though. He kept suggesting stupid stuff like a sand scooter!

**Charlie: **OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I WANT ONE! I WANT ONE!

**Claire: **GIMME AARON!

**Charlie: **NO! HE'S MINE! YOU KEEP LOSING HIM!

**Claire: **_*glares* _You son of a -

**Carletta: **DESMOND! Did you, or did you not, get home alright?

**Desmond: **I got home just fine, sister. Me and Penny had another baby!

**Everyone: **Awwwwww!

**Penny: **_*beaming* _It was a girl! We called her Eleanor.

**Carletta: **Eleanor Hume…It has a lovely ring to it. But then again you two are just the epitome of loveliness, aren't you?

**Miles: **_*glaring* _Why did I never get any hot chick action? Naomi died and we like only had ONE scene together and it was a FLASHBACK! There's nothing I can do about a flashback!

**Carletta: **I have no clue! Now go yell in a corner and vent there! We are focusing on Desmond today!

_*Miles mutters mutinously but goes to sit in the corner.*_

**Hurley: **Er…I don't mean to alarm you guys…but Sawyer looks kind of white. Like _not alive_ kind of white.

**Carletta: **So, Desmond, you're a pretty complex character. Let's talk about the visions of Charlie…

**Charlie: **Let's not…

**Hurley: **Or you guys can ignore me. That's cool too…

**Desmond: **Okay…I don't think everyone else here knows though. Apart from Claire and Hurley, that is.

**Ben: **What are we talking about here?

**Ana: **YEAH, BITCHES! What's the word?

**Juliet: **Just spill.

**Carletta: **Desmond had visions of Charlie dying and then he died. What else is there to say? Have you never gone back to watch the show?

**Juliet: **We've just been so busy…

**Carletta:** Doing what exactly? Actually, don't answer that. Just…make time, okay? Anyway, Desmond, why do you think you started getting these flashes?

**Desmond: **It goes back to me surviving that hatch explosion but, see, what I don't get is how John and Charlie survived it without anything happening to them?

**Eko: **Don't forget about me!

**Ana: **Where ya been, man?

_*Eko stares at her with those deep, wide, unfathomable eyes which makes you forget… Er, what was I talking about?*_

**Eko: **I escaped into the realms of another world. But no matter. I am back. Hello, Charlie.

**Charlie: **Er…hey. _*waves uncertainly*_

**Kate: **So, Desmond knew Charlie was going to die? Before it happened? And he let him die anyway even though he'd seen it happen?

**Desmond: **Yes, sister.

_*There's a brief pause…*_

**Kate: **Get him!

_*Everyone forms a mob and starts to walk threateningly towards Desmond who looks nervous and tries to hide behind one of his bottles.*_

**Carletta: **What are you guys doing?

**Kate: **He essentially killed one of us. We cannot let this pass.

**Gandalf: **HE SHALL NOT PAAAAAAASSSSS!

_*Everyone blinks rapidly, processing this.*_

**Gandalf: **Oops, thought there might've been a Balrog in here…Sorry… _*spots Charlie* _Merry…what are you doing here? You no longer look like a girl!

_*The floor opens up and he disappears, Charlie looking vastly confused. Claire takes this moment to take Aaron back…*_

**Sawyer: **That was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. And I mean that quite literally. What the hell's a Balrog anyway?

**Everyone: **_*relieved*_Sawyer!

**Miles: **_*disappointed* _You're alive… I was hoping to steal your spot as the lovable but rough character. DAMN!

**Sawyer: **Love you too, Miles. _*groans and sits up* _What happened to our brotherly relationship? Why is your hair blue?

**Miles: **If you must know, I was going for a Hades type of look. You know, the guy from that Disney film?

**Carletta: **Oh….we didn't get that.

**Desmond: **Who are you, brother? The janitor? I don't remember you…

**Miles: **GAH! The janitor? _*looks huffy* _If you need me, I'll be in the counselling session for the Vampire Diaries.

**Boone: **OOH! I'll join you!

_*Boone and Miles - the unlikeliest team EVER - walk out of the room amidst a sea of confused faces. Carletta sighs, but lets them go.*_

**Carletta: **Why am I always surprised when people go out this room to pursue pointless activities? Why?

**Jack: **Because you care. You might not think much of us, but you care.

**Carletta: **Thank you, Jack!_*scowls* _When I want my own head examining, I'll be sure to ask you for help!

**Jack: **Well there's no need to be hurtful!

**Carletta: **_*eye twitches* _You try running one of these sessions, Jack, and you tell me at the end that you don't feel like punching someone in the face.

**Jack: **I thought therapists had to have a lot of patience. You seem to have none!

_*Five seconds later… Jack is facing the corner like a naughty boy.*_

**Carletta: **_*loudly* _So, Desmond! What other theories do you have about your unusual habit of surviving explosions?

**Desmond: **I have no idea… I also have no clue as to why I'm the one who had the visions. I'd say I'm special but then I'd be like all of this ghastly lot here… _*gestures* _I have more dignity than that!

**Penny: **Aw, come on, Des! They're not…all…bad.

**Charlie: **Cheers for that, Penny.

**Claire: **Really feel great about myself now.

**Juliet: **I am so depressed now.

**Ben: **I thought we had something special!

**Penny: **_*flatly* _You raised a gun and threatened to shoot me. How is that something special?

_*Ben thinks for a moment, which turns out to be twenty five minutes.*_

**Ben: **I don't threaten to shoot just _anybody_.

**Keamy: **S'true.

**Ben: **GAH! YOUUUUU!

**Keamy: **Yeah, me. What of it?

**Carletta: **_*raising an eyebrow* _The ENTIRE cast of Lost is here, Ben. Did you not know that? I guess you wouldn't 'cause all you main Losties keep yelling and shouting and bitching all the time.

**Frogurt: **Yeah…we never get to talk and you never get any Neil time because of it.

**Sawyer: **And that's a bad thing because…?

**Frogurt: **Oh, you are just the worst type of person…

**Desmond: **WAIT! EVERYONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

**Ana: **Why? You got a rescue boat up your ass or something?

**Desmond: **NO! I just wanted to let you all know that this is MY session and you've hijacked it, as usual. _*Pouts* _I thought I was lovable.

**Locke: **You are, Desmond! Just…let's have less of the 'Box man', 'kay?"

**Desmond: **No. That is my endearing nickname I have for you. I will die before I call you by any other name.

_*Locke pulls a WTF face but doesn't say anything.*_

**Carletta: **Jeez, you two argue like an old married couple.

**Locke: **What you on about? We've had like ONE conversation during these past 28 sessions. And this was it! Fool!

**Carletta: **Hm…we've checked to see if your head can deflect flying objects. How about your face?

**Locke: **NO! I'LL BE GOOD! I'LL BE GOOD!

**Desmond: **I can survive explosions, so that threat doesn't work on - OW!

_*Carletta throws her bag at him and it knocks him off his seat.*_

**Charlie: **YOU CAN'T ABUSE THE PATIENT!

**Eloise: **THERE ARE RULES, YOU PSYCHOPATHIC THING!

**Richard: **_*under his breath* _Please stop the fighting, please stop the fighting…

**Carletta: **CALM the HELL down! _*pants* _I was aiming for Jack, if you must know.

_*Instantly, the room relaxes, as though a major crisis has been solved.*_

**Eloise: **That's alright then, dearie. To think, if you'd done that deliberately…Oh my, we'd have all been in trouble.

**Daniel: **Moooooom. Don't embarrass me.

**Locke: **It's her destiny to embarrass you. By that I mean, she's a mother. What do you expect?

**Carletta: **Eloise is an issue I want to tackle next session. _*rubs hands together* _We're gonna get some proper answers next session. Despite everything, I am a fan of the show.

**Eloise: **Oh, my…I don't think that's wise. My main job is to send people to where they need to be, right Desmond?

**Desmond: **YOU STAY AWAY!

_*He starts to throw Haribo rings at her in a pathetic attempt at destroying her.*_

**Penny: **I know you…

**Eloise: **Who doesn't know me? _*smiles*_

_*Half the room raise their hands.*_

**Carletta: **Riiiiiiighhht…Okay, any other questions for Desmond.

**Jack: **Can we get back to the issue of his visions? Why did he see Charlie die and where was I when all this shiz was going down?

**Kate: **Shiz? Oh NO! He's speaking in tongues! _*panics and flails wildly*_

**Rousseau: **He's sick…

**Sawyer: **_*in a girly voice* _Oh no! Jack is the devil in disguise! What shall we do? Let's do what we always do and talk and panic and fire guns randomly.

**Sayid: **Lol….that is what we do.

**Rousseau: **He's sick…

**Desmond: **Um, I have no idea, Jack! I guess because he's like the guy who nearly dies the most times. Seriously, Charlie, how many near death experiences have you had?

**Charlie: **Er, seven…

**Desmond: **That's not so bad…

**Charlie: **…thousand.

_*Desmond's jaw falls to the floor.*_

**Rousseau: **He's sick…

**Desmond: **I miss the guy a lot 'cause… _*shifts nervously* _we were like friends, you know? And I had to…watch, helplessly, I might add, as he…drowned. _*bawls like a baby* _OH NO! ALL MY PAIN IS RESURFACING! GIMME BOOZE!

_*He spies a bottle by Carletta and lunges for it. Unfortunately, Hurley stands up at this very moment and Desmond flies into Hurley's stomach before being bounced back out.*_

**Carletta: **We should wrap things up. Desmond, booze doesn't help, remember? And we're no closer to finding out why you can survive explosions and nobody else can…so… _*kicks a random chair* _This sucks.

_*She turns and almost jumps as Rousseau stands there, her face barely inches away from hers so that their noses are pressing against each other.*_

**Rousseau: **You're sick… And since no one will listen to me…I'm going to prove my sanity by shooting you all in cold blood.

**Carletta: **_*faintly* _I think we need to run…

_*And, without warning, she bolts out of the room at lightning speed, thus concluding another unproductive session.* _

* * *

**A/n: Thanks for the reviews guys! You're all fantastic! Haven't really got a lot to say anymore since I know this story is winding down. *sadface* I really do appreciate how many of you take the time to review so thank you so much.**

Next session: In Which Eloise Makes No Ounce of Sense (As Usual)


	30. Session 30: In Which Eloise Makes No Sen

Session 30: In Which Eloise Makes No Ounce of Sense

(As usual)

**Jack: **This is the shiz. We iz getting down to some serious [censored word] here.

**Carletta: **_*impatiently* _Jack… what did I tell you about interrupting the flow of these sessions? First things first, we have an overall look at what you maniacs are up to, then someone makes a snarky comment, and THEN the session begins. _*shakes head* _Honestly…

**Eloise: **Such loutish behaviour. I find it rather vulgar and shallow.

**Sawyer: **OOH-HOO-HOO-OOOH! Looks like someone's stepped into the wrong side of the pond… _*frowns* _That sounded much cleverer and made more sense inside my head.

**Locke: **James… nothing on this show makes sense. I don't make sense. Don't be surprised when complete and utter gibberish leaves your mouth. _*grins* _Happens to all of us eventually.

**Carletta: **Locke! What did I tell you about scaremongering?

**Locke: **Um…. Do it? I don't know! You say a lot of things…. _*flails and panics* _I don't REMEMBER! I'm losing my mind.

_*Startled, he takes a running jump and flies out of the window of the cabin. There's an awkward pause, before everyone resumes their mindless chatter and utter, utter rubbish.*_

**Carletta: **So… Eloise. Let's start from the beginning. Your childhood… Was it a happy one?

**Eloise: **Yes. I was brought up in a dignified and respectable manner.

**Carletta: **So… you were never told by your mother that it was her destiny to do something different than what she wanted to do? You never had a controlling bitch for a parent, whilst the other parent went off and had a whole other life and helped conceive one half of the greatest couple ever to hit our screens?

**Eloise: **…. No.

**Charlie: **BORING!

**Miles: **Hear, hear… Let's see how many Oreos we can stuff in our mouths! _*proceeds to stick a bunch of Oreos down his throat until he chokes and falls off his seat.*_

**Jack: **I'm not saving him. He got himself into that mess, he can get himself out.

**Kate: **I don't think he can, Jack…

**Jack: **_*in Kate's face* _HE CAN GET HIMSELF OUT! Don't undermine me woman! I'll just bitch slap you.

**Kate: **What the fluff?

**Sawyer: **_*heavily sarcastic* _Aw…trouble in paradise?

**Carletta: **We finally have an interesting character to interrogate and you guys are still running riot! We can get answers people! Don't you want answers?

_*Everybody rises to their feet, immediately disputing Carletta's claim that they are uninteresting. She rolls her eyes and sits back, watching with disinterest as they bicker amongst themselves, arguing about which of them is the more interesting.*_

**Carletta: **It's like natural selection but for morons. _*sighs* _People who think they have difficult jobs obviously haven't dealt with this lot before.

**Miles: **Hey! We may be fighting amongst ourselves in yet another irrelevant subject matter but we are not deaf!

**Carletta: **Back to you, Eloise… The rest of you… SIT DOWN AND STOP YELLING!

**Jack: **But you're yelling…

**Carletta: **I CAN HEAR MYSELF, JACK! I CAN DETERMINE THE VOLUME OF MY OWN VOICE FOR MYSELF THANK YOU VERY MUCH!_*Jack's face seems to shrink inwards as he cowers. Beside him, Sawyer is in hysterics, until Juliet hits him.*_

**Sawyer: **I'M GETTING ABUSED OVER HERE! CALL CHILDLINE!

**Miles: **You're not a child, though, boss…

**Sawyer: **CALL THE RSPCA!

**Miles: **That's for animals.

**Sawyer: **CALL SOMEONE! STOP BEING A USELESS BLOB OF PLASTICINE FOR ONCE AND CALL SOMEONE!

**Miles: **I know! I'll call the pizza man.

**Sawyer: **WHAT GOOD IS THAT GOING TO DO?

**Miles: **If I'm going to watch you getting battered by a girl, I'm going to need something to eat. I haven't had anything since breakfast.

_*Sawyer glares wordlessly at Miles but doesn't say anything.*_

**Eloise: **This session is utterly pointless. It has already happened. So, why not focus on a less important character?

**Jack: **Why did you look at me when you said that? _*visibly panics* _

**Carletta: **_*determinedly* _Eloise, can you not be cryptic for like five seconds of your freakin' life? Give me a bit of honesty. Tell me something none of us know. Make us understand you. How did you know all that crazy stuff you told Desmond?

**Eloise: **_*sighing* _As you know, I was born and raised on that island. I've lived there my entire life. The only man I ever loved was Charles Widmore.

_*Ben, who'd been drinking at that point, accidentally sprays Richard with juice.*_

**Ben: **WHAT? You mean someone… _loved_ that thing? _*gestures to Charles* _Really? Oh my days… This is an even bigger surprise than when I learned Richard wore eyeliner.

**Richard: **Not this again! Haven't we put that ridiculous rumour to bed yet?

**Carletta: **Ignore the buffoons. Keep talking.

**Eloise: **Fine. I fell pregnant with Daniel and had to leave. We had no idea the ramifications of giving birth on the island, especially whilst the Dharma folk were doing their experiments.

**Daniel: **And a FINE job you did of raising me. You know, I still have no idea how you managed to incorporate destiny into all of my lessons. Science, I get. Religion, understandable. I even understand how you managed to incorporate it into math. But how you managed to incorporate it into English, I'll never know.

**Eloise: **I had to make sure you followed the exact path you needed to follow.

**Daniel: **Which resulted in me dying. Cheers, Mom. Remind me not to bother getting you any more birthday presents.

**Carletta: **Yes, why did you send Daniel to the island when you 'knew' what would happen to him? You could've changed fate.

**Eloise: **_*tearfully* _Nobody understands. Daniel was deteriorating off the island. Something happened to him that meant his memory was hazy. He would forget things soon after they'd happened. Whether I sent him to the island or not, I would've lost him. Sending him there would buy him a little more time to be alive.

_*Daniel stares at his mother, shocked. Miles and Sawyer share a one armed hug. Carletta reaches for the box of tissues…only to find Jack has hogged the box - as usual.*_

**Ben: **_*grudgingly* _Okay… She regains a bit of respect for that beauty of a speech. _*turns away so no one sees him crying*_

**Carletta: **Now that's what I call a therapeutic breakthrough! Wonderful stuff. Now, Eloise, can you please tell us how you know the things you know?

**Eloise: **It's complicated… It would take a long time to explain the quantum mechanics of it all… Oh, don't go to sleep just because this is the technical stuff! _*she throws her shoe in Sawyer's direction.*_

**Sawyer: **People have got to stop throwing stuff at me! It makes me angry and you don't want to see me when I'm angry!

**Jack: **What a clichéd and oddly inappropriate line to come out with.

**Carletta: **Er… have you not seen the sessions we've endured? Isn't that what we generally do - spout clichéd and inappropriate lines?

**Eloise: **Um, hello? Did you, or did you not, want to learn about the quantum mechanics of time and space?

**Carletta: **Maybe that was a little too much to ask. I doubt many of this lot have the intellectual capacity to handle it. We'll just accept the fact you're an enigma within an enigma and move on… Your relationship with Charles… what was that like?

**Ana: **Men suck!

**Carletta: **Your miniscule amount of input is appreciated, Ana.

**Ana: **YEEEEEEEEEEEAH!

**Charlie:** _*to Ana* _Yeah, I don't know you.

**Ana: **So, what, staring at my ass was, what, a misunderstanding? Were you looking for the other half of your nonexistent brain?

**Charlie: **I wrote a song for you, Ana. Here it goes.

_In my life, so far  
__I've encountered a few bananas  
__But none as dumb and obnoxious  
__As the one and only Ana _

**Ana: **Nice… You combined the skills of sucking and being a total loser all into one. _*applauds sarcastically*_

**Carletta: **What happened to you two?

**Ana: **We grew apart due to artistic differences. It's just one of those things.

**Eloise: **_*coughing impatiently* _To answer your question, Carletta, Charles was rather sweet when we met. He was still stubborn and quite frightening when he lost his temper but he was kind and generous. At least when I knew him he was. Apparently that's not a shared opinion.

**Ben: **Too right! It's because of him Alex was murdered.

**Alex: **And yours, Dad. Remember?

**Ben: **Yes, yes, yes… Whatever! The point is he's a nasty piece of work and I hope he has a piano dropped on him.

_*Carletta looks nonplussed; Jack tries his hand at thinking and gets nowhere.*_

**Carletta:** I'll bite. Why do you want that particular fate to happen to him?

**Ben: **I want him to die, but I'd like some dramatic music in the background. I figure you can't get much more dramatic than the sound of all the keys on a piano being crushed to a pulp on the skull of an insane man.

**Carletta: **Right…. _*still looks nonplussed* _

**Juliet: **May I ask, Eloise, if all our fates were pre-determined? Was my … death necessary?

**Eloise: **Ah, that's the big million dollar question. There's a certain element of fate involved - you all being on the island definitely being part of that - but the choices you made, the people you bonded with was all down to you. Falling in love isn't necessary something fate plays a hand in.

**Boone: **What about MY death? I was clearly meant to stay alive but there was a lot of misunderstanding with the producers… They put BOONE DIES instead of BOONE LIVES. Easy mistake to make…

**Sayid: **It wasn't a mistake.

**Boone: **Oh, shut up, you - you wolf in a torturer's clothing!

_*Sayid looks confused; Charlie and Sawyer snicker immaturely.*_

**Charles: **Oh, Eloise… We had a beautiful future together. We were in love.

**Eloise: **Yes but judging by the number of pointless and repetitive sessions we've sat through, you can see the premature disintegration of love isn't an uncommon theme!

**Charles: **Some people have theorised the show was all about love. How can that be when no couple - if you ignored the final scene - had a happy ending? Really, who got off the island and managed to reunite with their loved one?

**Desmond: **Um…. Me?

**Charles: **DAMN IT! I ask the producers specifically to keep you apart and they didn't deliver! _*looks thoroughly annoyed*_

**Desmond: **What is your problem with me, Charles? I'd really like to know.

**Charles: **I think it's just the fact you're younger, handsomer, wittier than me, Desmond. Nah, just kidding - I don't really know. I just never thought you were good enough for Penny.

_*Sitting beside Desmond, Penny rolls her eyes and pulls a face, prompting Eloise to hide a small smile.*_

**Carletta: **Charles actually raises a good point for once… I mean, apart from Desmond and Penny, no one else got their happy ending with their loved one. Sun and Jin died. Charlie died. Jack died. _*She steadily gets more depressed*_ Juliet died. Shannon and Sayid died. Alex and Karl died. Libby died.

**Hurley: **Dudes, cheer up, we all managed to reunite in the end.

_*No one looks comforted by this.*_

**Libby: **Wow… this really sucks. I've never left a session feeling this depressed before.

**Eloise: **I'm so sorry… Charles has that effect on people. He just tends to ask horrible questions that makes everyone want to commit suicide.

**Carletta: **Is it because he's bitter about you guys and how your story ended?

**Eloise: **No, he's just that sort of person.

**Carletta: **_*shuddering* _Well, let's not get depressed. Come on, someone do something stupid and moronic to cheer us all up… _*no one responds* _Oh, so when I ask you to do it, you don't do it, but when I ask you to behave, you all go wild? I will never understand you lot.

_*Juliet throttles Kate out of a momentary fit of madness, resulting in a cat fight. Everyone quickly gathers around, with a wild look emerging in Sawyer's eyes.*_

**Libby: **Should we stop them?

**Sawyer: **Are you kidding? Let's throw some jell-o on them!

**Jack: **KICK HER, JULIET! PUNCH HER! SHOW HER WHO'S BOSS!

**Kate: **_*emerging* _WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHO YOU END UP WITH, BUDDY?

**Jack: **Ah… well I have a frosty eternity ahead of me.

**Carletta: **_*rolling her eyes* _When I meant doing something stupid and moronic, I meant something less savage and primitive. Honestly, do you not have any creative outlets you can vent your stupidity out into?

**Charlie: **I play guitar?

**Claire: **I alternate between playing lengthy games of hide-and-seek with my son and then devolving into a crazy woman who hunts and kills Others.

**Sawyer: **And I take my top off at any given moment.

**Carletta: **Okay, then. You all are insane. I officially declare it.

**Eloise: **Any more questions? I'm actually liking therapy.

**Sawyer: **Lady, you're weird.

**Eloise: **Manners don't cost a penny young man. And in about thirty seconds, you're going to get a nasty surprise.

**Sawyer: **_*frowning* _What the - ? _*gets a custard pie in the fact* _WHAT THE HELL? MILESSSS!

**Ana: **Ha! It was me! That was for not calling me back!

**Charlie: **I wrote a new song! Anyone wanna hear it?

_In the jungle, the mighty jungle,  
__The survivors go insane tonight.  
__In the jungle, the mighty jungle,  
__Juliet and Kate are having a fight_

**Ana: **You stole a song and made it your own. You're going to get sued to death. But I'm mildly impressed.

**Charlie: **Does this mean…?

**Ana: **Yep. Our band - Purple Bananas and Loopy Fruit Delights - is back together!

**Carletta: **What is your obsession with inserting fruits into the title?

**Ana: **WE WANT TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE GET THEIR FIVE A DAY! YOU GOT A PROBLEM?

**Carletta: **No…. definitely not. I actually would like to know, Eloise, what your relationship with Ben was about? It was quite intriguing, and something we never really learned about.

**Eloise: **It was strictly professional. You can't get involved with the island without knowing a few tricks. Ben found me through Richard, and was actually the one who told me about Charles'…other family.

**Charles: **God damn it, Eloise. I wanted to see the boy, you know I did, but you became a recluse and damn near impossible to track. I had to wait until the boy was in his twenties until I found him again.

**Daniel: **Er… 'the boy' has a name you know.

**Eloise: **I made my bed, Charles. _*looks sad* _You've been preaching to me for years about destiny and fate, I'm surprised you didn't see our separation coming.

**Daniel: **This guy's my father? Seriously? Why can't I have normal parents?

**Sawyer: **HEY! We all share that wish, Hosse but - TAKE HER TOP OFF, JULIET! - we just gotta get on with it. Oh, this fight is HOT!

**Juliet: **Shut it, James!

**Sawyer: **Yes, Blondie….

**Carletta: **We've sort of made a breakthrough today…ish.

**Jack: **Yeah…and my middle name is Muriel.

**Carletta: **I wouldn't be at all surprised if that was even close to being true, Jack. _*sighs* _Well, Eloise will always be a mystery. And you guys will…not. Why is it that I always come away from these sessions feeling like I've gained less knowledge than I had at the beginning?

**Charlie: **We send you insane and it wipes your memory?

_*Carletta flashes him a dirty look but otherwise doesn't respond.*_

**Juliet: **Me and Kate are done fighting now…

**Carletta: **I just don't care. Ah… are we done? I might retire to the drawing room to relax.

**Boone: **The what?

**Carletta: **The drawing room.

**Boone: **I don't think I've been there…Do you mean we have an entire room just for drawing in?

**Jack: **Seriously…this place has a drawing room?

**Carletta: **Shoot me, shoot me now…. THAT WASN'T A SUGGESTION MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, ROUSSEAU! _*panics* _

**Rousseau: **What is the point of having a gun if I never use it?

_*Throwing it down, she storms out, thus ending a very confusing and slightly productive session.*_

* * *

**A/n: Thank you guys for reviewing! Your reactions to this fic winding down have been wonderful. I think I may actually cry when this ends lol :P For now, know I appreciate each and every review and I am sending virtual hugs your way. Let's bring this fic to 200 reviews! WE CAN DO IT PEOPLE! **

_Next session: In Which Parents Officially Suck. _


	31. Session 31: In Which Parents Suck

Session 31: In Which Parents Officially Suck

**Carletta: **I'd just like to state for the official record that Jack was the one behind this session. Something about daddy issues or whatever… _*shrugs* _I don't know about you but I haven't heard him mention _anything_ about daddy issues before…

**Jack: **_*narrowing his eyes* _I don't care for your tone…

_*Sawyer and Miles are hovering around a nearby television they've managed to locate from somewhere. They've found some channels and are currently on ABC, the current show being 'Lost'. Being the lovable_ _idiots that they are, they don't register their own show…*_

**Sawyer: **I hate this channel. _*switches over*_

_*Carletta looks gobsmacked. Charlie snickers, whilst even Desmond's face contains a mixture of horror and bemusement.*_

**Ben: **Are his parents brother and sister or something?

**Carletta: **_*patiently* _Sawyer… You do realize you've just insulted the channel which is the home of your show, right? I mean, please tell me there's an ounce of intelligence underneath that gorgeous set of locks. Is there?

**Charlie: **Is that a trick question?

_*Miles looks strangely impressed. Sawyer glares menacingly in Charlie's direction, who immediately hides behind Claire.*_

**Carletta: **Well, I suppose we better get started with this session which, oddly enough, makes me nostalgic for the earlier sessions.

**Claire: **What, when we were even crazier than we are now?

**Carletta: **Considering you're a parent, Claire, and can safely be slotted in this category, I'd suggest you watch your tone. You left your son in the middle of the jungle! That hardly earns you Mum of the Year mug.

**Kate: **Mom.

**Carletta: **_*blinking* _Er… what?

**Kate: **It's _Mom_ not _Mum_… Are you British?

_*Carletta looks stumped by the question. Charlie edges closer, eager to hear the answer.*_

**Carletta: **Maybe. But I don't feel like it's any of your business where I'm from.

**Kate: **Well, there's no need to be huffy. _*looks huffy*_

**Carletta: **_*shrugs* _I know my past is a mystery to you guys but I like it like that.

**Sawyer: **That's not fair! You know everything about us! Why can't we learn something about you?

**Carletta: **Because I make the rules…. Yes, Jacob. I am aware of the irony before you even say anything.

**Jacob**: DAMN! I like irony as well…

**Carletta: **So…. Parents. Raise your hands if you have a child.

_*Charles, Eloise, Christian, Michael, Pierre Chang, Claire, Penny, Desmond and Sun and Jin all raise their hands. Charlie and Kate alternate between lowering and raising their hands.*_

**Carletta: **_*sighing impatiently* _Okay, it counts if you've raised a child for a while.

_*Kate pokes her tongue out at Charlie and raises her hand. Charlie looks even more confused and settles on leaving his hand halfway in the air.*_

**Christian: **I've raised two.

**Carletta: **…. Thank you for that. I kind of already knew that. _*thinks* _Actually, if we're being technical, you fathered two, yet raised one. You weren't really a part of Claire's life were you?

**Christian: **Well…. No. I tried to be.

**Carletta: **And Claire… would you say it's a fair assumption to make that you followed your father because of some deep, concealed desire to forge a connection, a connection you may have subconsciously missed?

**Claire: **…. NOOOOOOOOO!

**Carletta: **_*without missing a beat* _Fair enough.

**Locke: **I would've loved to have a son. I think I would've looked good with a child.

_*Michael bites back a sarcastic response, accidentally biting his tongue in the process. He tries to call for Walt but cannot, much to the joy of everyone else.*_

**Jack: **Yeah… and Sawyer is a secret father.

**Sawyer: **_*smirking* _Well….

**Jack: **OH DEAR GOD, NO! THERE'S A MINIATURE SAWYER SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD! ARGHHHHHHHH!

_*He proceeds to run and crash through the wall of the cabin.*_

**Sawyer: **I s'pose I should've mentioned the fact I have alittle girl. Might've put his mind at rest…

**Carletta: **This session was his idea! He even came up with the title. _*sigh* _That man is about a reliable a person as the writers are when it comes to solving every loose end this show has.

**Hurley: **Hey! He's a good man… He was the first person to speak to me after the crash and we kinda stuck.

**Sawyer: **Only 'cause you needed him in case all the food ran out and you had to resort to cannibalism.

_*He snickers at his own joke, until Hurley flips his chair upside down and he ends up crashing through the floor, emerging minutes afterwards with a piece of wood through his head.*_

**Sawyer: **_*panicking* _OH GOD! DO I TAKE IT OUT, OR DO I LEAVE IT IN? DO I TAKE IT OUT OR DO I LEAVE IT IN? My beautiful face…. _*faints*_

**Carletta: **_*rolling her eyes* _Someone help him otherwise he's going to be insufferable for the next god-knows how many sessions.

**Richard: **I'm confused…. Isn't that what he's like anyway?

**Ben: **BOOM!

**Ilana: **ARGH! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!

_*She runs and jumps out of the Jack-shaped hole in the wall of the cabin.*_

**Penny: **I think parenting is the greatest adventure anyone can embark on.

**Ben: **Oh, God. You're just nauseatingly sweet aren't you? Time for me to make a Ben-shaped hole in the cabin.

_*He runs at the wall, intending to break through it, but just knocks himself out, proving he really does fail at everything.*_

**Penny: **What a [censored word].

_*The entire cabin explodes with delight. Penny looks confused, until Desmond explains that they're cheering at her swearing.*_

**Penny: **Huh… so you all get your ya-yas from hearing good girls swear and make a complete twit of themselves?

**Miles: **Yes and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself but they cost a little less.

**Carletta: **Why is it that the general consensus here is that parents suck? Surely someone here must have had a great relationship with both parents?

**Claire: **Aaron could technically count, but he's too young to have a say in anything.

**Charlie: **Does that mean…?

**Hurley: **Dude! Don't be thick! We all know you're the closest that baby dude has to a father. And don't well up… don't be a Jack.

_*Jack slides back in*_

**Jack: **_*sarcastically* _Nice to know there's finally a name for the condition of _crying._

_*He promptly slides back out*_

**Eloise: **Can I just step in and say that parenting is harder than it looks. When you have children, you will understand.

**Daniel: **Bit hard to do that, mom, when we're all dead.

**Carletta: **_*extremely half-heartedly* _What about purgatory?

**Miles: **Purgatory babies… Swell.

**Charles: **Are we really being ganged up here?

**Eloise: **Seems so, Charles. It appears we are being targeted because of our mistakes.

**Kate: **_*stroking an imaginary beard, trying to appear wise* _Indeed.

**Claire: **Why are you joining in this discussion, Kate? You didn't go through labour! You stole him and raised him for three years!

**Kate: **And? Still made a hell of a mom.

_*Claire goes to lunge at Kate but is held back by Charlie and Michael. Kate looks confused and a bit hurt.*_

**Carletta: **You can't blame Kate for your mistake, Claire. Whether you liked it or not, she took your son and gave him a better life. And even when she didn't want to, she came back to get you so that you could raise him.

**Claire: **_*sniffs* _I know… but I just want those three years back.

**Carletta: **Now you can. You have both your baby back and the man you love.

**Miles: **Me. _*smirks*_

**Charlie: **In your dreams, punk!

**Miles: **HEY! That was a phase, okay? Don't judge me, man!

**Carletta: **_*sinks into chair* _When will I stop being surprised by people's revelations?

**Jacob: **_*smugly* _Looks like Mrs I-Make-Up-The-Rules is having a meltdown.

**Carletta: **Hey. I can toss your ass out of here in two seconds flat, immortal or not.

**Man In Black: **Technically, he's a dead immortal now. _*Snickers* _Oh the irony!

**Jacob: **I'll be good.

**Carletta: **From what I can decipher from your whinging, the main problem between parents and children seem to falls down to personalities clashing. If Jack were here, I would inform him he and his dad were too similar, yet the lack of acknowledgement meant the differences between them stood out too much.

**Christian: **Makes sense. Jack is stubborn. I'm… not.

**Carletta: **You've inadvertently proven my point, Christian. Hell, you're so stubborn you can't even admit that you're stubborn. How many times did you and Jack butt heads over something you could've just solved by sitting and talking?

**Christian: **A lot. I don't know how many, but like a whole lot.

**Charles: **To be fair, in hindsight, a lot of us could've resolved our differences by talking. So your point is a moot one. And what's a TV show without conflict? _*Silence* _SOMEBODY TELL ME!

**Carletta: **Fair point, but yelling it isn't going to make it acceptable.

_*Charles sulks in his seat. Ben wakes briefly up to yell 'HA!' in his face, before succumbing back to unconsciousness.*_

**Sawyer: **_*waking up* _Is it still in? _*feels it and faints again*_

**Walt: **As the only child here – excluding the baby – can I just say…?

**Michael: **NO! AARGDSHSHJH!

**Walt: **Er… what?

**Michael: **Ierge beotnfs myssn tonessk.

**Daniel: **_*flipping through various language guides* _WHAT IS HE SAYING? IT COULD BE THE KEY TO SOLVING LOST!

**Carletta: **_*flatly*_ Steady on there, Einstein. He's just telling you – well, Walt – that he's bitten his tongue. Unless the island is a giant mouth, or a giant metaphor, I think you can safely discard that as being the answer to the most mysterious show of all time.

**Eloise: **See. We might be irrational and do stupid things but our children refuse to listen to us. They are rash and looking for answers all the time.

**Carletta:** Because they're human! What do you expect?

**Locke: **Patience.

_*Carletta rolls her eyes in Locke's direction but doesn't say anything.*_

**Jin:** I never got to see my daughter. _*pulls a sad face*_

**Sun: **It's your own fault. I wanted to call her Renesmee but you rejected it because it was an affiliation with Twilight!

**Jin: **And as punishment, I got the death sentence. Does that make sense to you?

**Sun: **Yes.

**Jin: **RIGHT! I'M WEARING THE TROUSERS AGAIN! _*he stands and his trousers fall down* _WE ARE LEAVING!

_*With a surge of strength, he lifts Sun over his shoulder and storms out the room. A stunned silence follows. Charlie's jaw hits the ground, whilst Daniel frantically tries to find some sort of math equation which can explain Jin's unusual behaviour.*_

**Carletta: **Strictly speaking, I don't condone violence, or violent actions. But I have to say she kind of had that coming.

**Kate: **If we're talking about crap parents…_*glares at Diane, her mother*_

**Diane: **Easy, Kate…

**Kate: **Easy! EASY! You sold me out! You cut contact with me! And when I tried to make it right, you sold me out again! What kind of mother choses her violent boyfriend over her daughter? _*in tears* _Tell me!

**Carletta: **I know I'm supposed to be professional and unbiased but _*cough* _What a bitch! _*cough*_

**Diane: **I'm sorry, Katherine. I really am. But what you did wasn't just a case of chasing him away. You _murdered _him in cold blood. I didn't know how to protect you.

**Kate: **Bah. You didn't want to protect me. You snitched on me like I was a piece of trash.

**Charlie: **GASP!

**Boone: **SHRIEK!

**Charlie: **SHOCK HORROR!

**Carletta: **You guys done killing a moment?

**Boone, Charlie: **Nah, not really.

**Diane: **I'm sorry…

**Kate: **No. You know what? I would do what I did again. I don't regret it. What I do regret is trying to make you understand that. When a little girl sees her mommy getting beaten up, all she wants to do is make it stop. And I did. And when that mommy would rather see her daughter thrown in jail than protect her there is something seriously wrong.

**Desmond: **I actually don't know what to say…

**Charles: **I feel so awkward…

**Carletta: **That was a powerful admission, Kate. Are you sure there's no way to resolve your relationship?

**Kate: **I'm done. Now, if you all excuse me, I have to go find Jack. It's been five minutes and the fact we're not in the same place is EXTREMELY disconcerting…

_*She promptly exits.*_

**Diane: **_*sadly* _Is it cliché to say I wish I knew what I had before it disappeared?

**Carletta: **_*coldly* _Yes. I'm not condoning what Kate did. Murder is never the best option but she tried to make it right, hell she even came to see you when you were in the hospital. Could you not have given her the benefit of the doubt just once? Just to hear her out at least?

**Juliet: **I've lost many children, Diane. Okay, they weren't my own, but I still felt the pain as if it were my own. It's amazing to produce life. Life is so complex and each one is unique. You should've protected the one you brought into this world, or at least have made sure she went to a safe home.

_*Sawyer is awake at this point. Looking shocked, he goes to sit next to her and holds her hand. She smiles at him, looking weary.*_

**Miles:**_ *screaming* _JELLY! ICE CREAM! WIBBLY BOTTOMS! You guys are freakin' depressing me!

_*He proceeds to angrily storm out, followed by_ _a tentative Daniel and Charlotte.*_

**Carletta: **People have got to stop pointlessly exiting in the middle of an IMPORTANT SESSION!

**Christian: **Parents may suck…but you can't tell me children don't suck too.

_*Michael nods fervently, prompting Walt to glare at him.*_

**Carletta: **_*throwing her hands up in the air*_ Families in general suck. But you stick together no matter what because at the end of the day you only have one! You… What is it Locke?

**Locke:** I'd just like to point out my father stole my kidney. And you would have me resolve that? BITCH!

**Carletta: **_*staring* _Alright, alright… Some parents are just malicious and cruel. But still, move past the issues and deal. That's basically my message at the end of every session only we never actually get to that point.

**Sayid: **Hurray for us failing to get to a point!

**Locke: **Shut up, Sayid! It's not funny anymore! Nonsensical and out of place remarks are only funny when they come from my mouth!

**Jack: **Or mine! _*cheers* _Hello again. Hold the cheering, tell the president to stop blubbing. Jack Shepherd is NOT dead.

_*There is utter silence.*_

**Claire: **Hey, Jack… Were you gone?

**Shannon: **Yeah, weren't you, like, here all the time?

**Jack:** Very funny.

**Shannon:** I'm actually being serious. Weren't you like sitting next to Jacob?

**Jack: **I have never sat next to Jacob in my life. That would be Richard you're talking about.

**Shannon: **Oh…. Then I have a new question. Is Richard your son?

_*Jack gives an incredulous laugh. Richard just looks bemused. Carletta is eyeing Rousseau's gun a little too much…*_

**Jack: **I hate to burst the bubble you live in, Shannon, but just because two people have hair the same colour doesn't make them related.

**Rousseau:** Clearly, she's sick.

**Carletta: **Stop trying to force the sickness down our throats! No one is sick!

**Rousseau: **Fine. Well, then these sessions have been a big waste of time.

_*And she, like half the room, gets up and walks out.*_

**Carletta: **Okay, I know I'm not supposed to endorse negativity but she really sucks. And she's a parent. So parents do suck!

**Alex: **Is mom coming back?

**Carletta: **Doubtful.

**Alex: **Should we follow suit?

**Carletta: **No. I don't know if you've noticed but she's a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

**Locke: **I'm really confused about what this session has been about.

**Carletta: **And that's a new feeling? Well, I suppose I should wrap this up. First, I need to coax back a few of the others, otherwise the next session is just going to boring as hell.

_*She promptly exits, leaving the room in chaos. Ben leaps to his feet and starts tasering random victims. Sawyer takes Charlie's guitar and runs riot, causing the Briton to sit on the floor and cry. Claire starts having random panic attacks every time Aaron moves. In short, it's been the craziest session to date.*_

**Hurley: **All I can really say to all of this is dude…what the hell?

* * *

**A/n: Thank you all for your great reviews! I honestly think each of you are brilliant, whether you've reviewed just the once or whether you've reviewed all the chapters. You are awesome and you just inspire me. There's only so many times I can write these sappy authors' notes so…thank you. LOL.**

Next session: In Which Rousseau Runs Riot!


	32. Session 32: In Which Rousseau Runs Riot!

_Session 32: In Which Rousseau Runs Riot_

_Since last time the group convened, Carletta has, miraculously, managed to coax back the members who walked out rather pointlessly (as they all do at some point during the various sessions). She glares around the room, as if trying to fix everyone to their seats, and everyone has noticed Rousseau's gun is by her side._

**Carletta:** Right, you horrible lot. Closeeee….up!

_*In true pantomime style, Sawyer rises to his feet and lifts his shirt up, much to Shannon and Juliet's delight.*_

**Carletta:** Not like that, you arse head! Ugh, you lot make Charlie Sheen look like completely sane.

**Sawyer:** What a winning thing to say.

_*Miles snickers at his comment, and Hurley snickers too even though there's about a ninety percent chance he doesn't get the joke and is merely laughing to keep up appearances.*_

**Rousseau:** Can I have my gun back now?

**Carletta:** Are you mentally cured? Can you see a person without wanting to trap them in a net, or skewer them with arrows, or turn them into a human kebab?

**Rousseau:** _*pauses for thought*_ Well, um, no.

**Carletta:** Then you don't get the gun back! Simple as. Now, you… _*she points violently, causing Nikki to shriek and fall off her chair backwards*_ Not you, you diamond hogging tart!

**Paulo:** HEY! She's not a jam tart! How dare you imply she looks like pastry!

**Jack: **Oh, sweet Jesus…. _*rolls eyes*_

**Charlie:** A few casual episodes was just too much for you guys wasn't it? The world wasn't ready for a Nikki and Paulo. _*shakes head*_

**Carletta:** So, Rousseau…. Tell me about your childhood.

**Rousseau:** I am not sick. I do not need to do this. This therapy lark _*air quotes*_ is ridiculous. I am perfectly healthy.

_*Carletta stares at her before bursting out laughing.*_

**Carletta:** You are using the classic method of diversion to avoid answering the question! You're just afraid of learning about yourself.

**Rousseau:** _*extremely sarcastic*_ Yes, after surviving on an island, having my baby taken away from me, hearing nothing but whispers and loud clunking noises from the monster, the epitome of my fear derives from _learning about myself._ _*snorts*_ Are you sure I'm the one who needs therapy?

**Alex:** Mom, maybe you should just answer the question. We can all go home then.

**Rousseau: **Um, try no, and then try SHUSH! I am a big girl, with big dreams.

**Alex:** Big dreams? Mom, last I checked your greatest ambition was trying to put traps in every tree so no one would ever take me again.

**Rousseau:** Alexandria! Do not undermine me! It's just good parenting to booby trap all possible areas to prevent kidnapping.

**Claire:** No it isn't!

**Rousseau:** Oh, so you're the expert on parenting are you? According to you, it's good practice to leave your child in the middle of the jungle!

_*Claire hisses and leaps forward with the intent to attack. Instinctively, Charlie lunges and grabs one of her legs, whilst Sayid grabs the other. Jack, feeling left out, also lunges forwards and grabs Claire's arm.*_

**Carletta:** STOP TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER, OR I'LL KILL YOU ALL! NO VIOLENCE IN THE THERAPY SESSION PLEASE!

_*Ben looks like he's going to point out the hypocrisy in Carletta's threat, but leans back in his seat, deciding not to bother.*_

**Miles:** WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? _*sobs into his hands*_

**Sawyer:** Yeah! Why can't we?

**Jack:** Because you suck, Sawyer.

**Sawyer:** BITE MY ADORABLY PINK ASS, JACK!

_*Jack's jaw falls to the ground.*_

**Kate:** This is being unproductive, as usual. But I kinda love that we can let out all our craziness here.

**Carletta:** THESE SESSIONS HAVE AGED ME ABOUT FORTY YEARS. I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO HAVE FUN!

**Charlie: **Let me show you! F is for Friends who do stuff together, U is for U and me….

**Carletta:** NO! NO! NO!

**Charlie:** I see how it is. _*sniffs*_

**Rousseau: **I want my gun.

**Carletta:** _*sigh*_ No. Believe it or not, Rousseau, the others aren't coming after you anymore.

**Rousseau: **I'll believe that when I see it.

**Ben:** Um…hello? We're right here, and do you see us attacking?

**Rousseau:** Yes. WAR HAS STARTED!

**Ben:** No… STOP WITH THE IRRATIONAL WARS, WOMAN! WE COME IN PEACE!

**Charlie:** _*to Boone* _Always said he was an alien…

**Boone: **This would be funny if I knew who he was.

**Charlie:** _*bangs head against chair*_ I thought you were up to speed man?

**Boone:** Um, I kinda lost interest after like I died. I only tuned in to MAJOR episodes…like when they found Shannon's inhaler.

**Carletta:** _*sarcastically*_ a truly pivotal moment on Lost indeed.

**Rousseau:** If I'm paranoid, it's because he made me that way. _*points to Ben*_ He told me if I hear whispers, I should run the other way!

**Ben:** Funny, I don't think I ever mentioned anything about setting up booby traps and nets randomly in the jungle.

**Rousseau:** I read between the lines. Sue me.

_*Ben contemplates that, but eyes the manic look in her eyes and then wisely decides not to.*_

**Carletta:** _*taking a different approach*_ So, Alex, how has your relationship with your mother been? Any problems?

**Alex:** Well, she panics if I disappear for more than five minutes at a time, but can't complain really. And she approves of Karl, and hasn't brainwashed him unlike SOME people I could mention. _*glares pointedly at Ben*_

**Ben: **We voted on that, I'll have you know! You cannot blame one man for this! It was all of us!

**Juliet:** _*sourly*_ Yes, she can. You came into that meeting threatening to beat us with erasers if we didn't vote yes on Proposition Karl.

**Karl:** Aww, you guys named a proposition after me? Bless..

**Alex:** That's not a good thing, Karl!

**Carletta:** _*clearing her throat loudly*_ So… Rousseau! What else would you like to talk about? This is your session.

**Rousseau:** We could talk about you giving me my gun back.

**Carletta:** Not going to happen. Anything else?

**Rousseau:** Um… Nope! I'm not talking about anything else.

**Carletta:** Well, that's not a helpful attitude to have! We finally focus on you and you have nothing to say? Nothing?

**Rousseau:** As they say in your country…. HELL NO!

_*Carletta looks frustrated – as usual – and Alex tries to cajole her mother into saying something helpful.*_

**Sayid:** As Rousseau's – to this day – only friend, I'd like to point out she's shrouded in mystery anyway, so why do you expect her to talk now? I could make her…

**Everyone:** NO!

**Sayid:** You guys are killjoys, you know that? _*puts the feather duster away*_

**Jack:** We could talk more about me….

**Everyone:** NO!

**Jack:** _*sulkily*_ Okay, are you just used to saying that now?

_*Locke and Desmond suddenly stumble in, both clearly wrecked as they drunkenly sing 'Don't stop believing' before collapsing in their seats.*_

**Carletta:** Where have you two been?

**Desmond:** UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARDE!

**Carletta:** _*stone faced*_ Seriously, where were you two? The pub, obviously, but where?

**Locke: **WE TOOK THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN GOING ANYWHERE!

**Carletta: **Fascinating.

**Jack:** Great, they were out getting wrecked, and we were in here listening to somebody talk about nothing. I hate this!

**Carletta:** It's therapy, Jack – nobody likes it.

**Jack:** THEN WHY ARE WE DOING THIS THEN?

**Carletta:** BECAUSE IT'S COMPULSORY IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE LIVING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE FAIRLY SANE AS OPPOSED TO COMPLETELY INSANE!

**Rousseau: **A-ha! Got the gun!

_*Carletta knocks it out of her hand.*_

**Carletta:** A-ha! Too slow!

_*In amidst the gloating, Rousseau knocks it out of Carletta's hand and smirks.*_

**Rousseau:** A-ha! Too cocky! _*stands up on table*_ I announce you are all sick and need to be put down. Starting with you!

_*She takes the gun and fires at Nikki and Paulo, blowing them out the cabin.*_

**Carletta:** _*flatly*_ No, stop the madness!

**Claire:** MY BABY! _*shields Aaron*_

**Charlie:** My guitar! _*shields guitar*_

**Sawyer:** MY GOD! _*glares at everyone*_ You are all such pansies!

**Desmond:** _*standing up, using a bottle of whiskey as a microphone*_ Nobody knows the troubles I've seen, NOBODY KNOWS MYYYYY SORRROWWWWWW!

**Charlie:** _*raising hand*_ I do!

**Desmond:** Don't interrupt me, Chandler.

_*Charlie makes a WTF face and rises to hit him, but is restrained by Hurley.*_

**Rousseau: **See, this is my kind of environment – pure, utter chaos.

**Carletta: **What a sad, sad story.

**Sawyer, Jack:** IT'S A SAD, SAD SIT-U-ATION! _*grin at each other*_

**Rousseau:** I don't have any of these happen moments you all seem to have. I had one happy moment and that was finding Alex. _*smiles at Alex*_ I was always alone.

**Jack: **B'awwwww!

**Rousseau: **SHUT UP! I don't need your sympathy.

**Locke:** SHE'S JUST A POOR WOMAN…SHE NEEDS NOOOO SYMPATHY!

_*Carletta's fingers twitch by her side__but she restrains herself.*_

**Ana Lucia: **I thought you were a creepy loner when I first saw you… Thank you for proving me wrong. _*rolls eyes*_

**Sawyer:** Kinda the pot calling the kettle black there Lucy.

**Ana Lucia:** WHO THE HELL CARES?

**Sawyer:** _*in a quiet voice*_ I do.

**Locke: **I – I love Rousseau.

**Rousseau:** You've barely said two words to me. In fact, I don't remember you talking to me at all. Why the sudden love?

_*Locke looks startled and stumbles back, inadvertently tumbling into Eko's lap. An awkward silence follows.*_

**Charlie:** I CALL NAMING THE NEW PAIRING!

**Sawyer: **DAMN IT!

**Miles:** I HATE YOUUUUUU!

**Charlie:** I shall call 'em Leko, and they shall be mine, and they shall be my Leko.

**Carletta: **I'm sure that gag's been used before…

**Juliet:** By this time these sessions have finished, we'll have used every good gag imaginable and COMEDY WILL BE DEAD!

_*Thunder booms over her head as she folds her arms.*_

**Claire:** Gee, that was kind of a downer…

**Charlie:** I'm all depressed now.

**Ana Lucia:** Thanks a lot, bitch.

**Sawyer:** Yeah! You've RUINED this for us…. _*proceeds to storm out.*_ RUINED IT!

**Carletta:** O….kay.

**Juliet: **I was just trying to fit in. _*pouts*_

**Boone:** People like us are best staying quiet, Juliet. _*pats her on the shoulder.*_

**Juliet:** You don't know who I am! Why do you care?

**Boone:** Because…

**Desmond:** YOUR SHADOWS ARE SEARCHING IN THE NIIIIIGHHHHT!

**Locke:** BA-DA!

**Carletta: **I don't know what's more shocking – the fact they are singing the Glee version, or the fact I'm strangely enjoying this screwed up version even more than the other two versions.

**Rousseau:** Alright, I'm fed up of being ignored… _*takes gun out*_ Who has the sickness?

**Jack:** As if anyone is suicidal enough to own up to that!

**Frogurt:** I have a tickly cough…

_*Rousseau turns on him and fires without thinking.*_

**Shannon:** Hasn't he like died already?

**Boone:** I'm not sure…. I don't even know who he is.

**Sayid:** I briefly used him as a piñata one time. ONE TIME. Don't judge me! _*glares at the room*_

**Carletta:** What is the point trying to do these sessions? It's like poking a corpse.

**Kate:** Lovely image. _*starts eye flirting with Jack now Sawyer is out of the room.*_

**Rousseau:** You are seeing things? _*turns gun on Kate*_

_*Kate panics and runs out of the room followed by a manic Rousseau.*_

**Claire: **IF SHE DIES, I GET HER SON!

**Charlie:** Claire… her son is YOUR son.

**Claire:** Thanks for the support, Charlie. _*kisses him on the cheek*_

**Jack: **NO! KATEEEEE!

_*Runs out the room after her*_

**Carletta:** And on that note, we'll call it a day.

**Locke:** NO! LET'S CALL IT A NIGHT!

_*Everyone stares at him in bewilderment.*_

**Locke:** Don't stare at meeeeeee…. _*shields face with hands*_

**Carletta:** Eh, we've not got anything better to do… _*stares at Locke.*_

**Juliet:** Un-freakin'-believable. _*shakes head in disbelief.*_

* * *

**A/n: Sorry I've not updated this in, like, forever but I'm very grateful for all the reviews and amazing support. Thank you so much! :D **

_Next session: In Which Faith Pwns Science _


	33. Session 33: In Which Faith Pwns Science

Session 39: In Which Faith Pwns Science

_We revisit the gang, who, like usual, are being completely insane and moronic. Locke is repeatedly trying to explain the difference between himself and an actual man made out of boxes to a drunk looking Desmond, whilst Jack and Kate alternate between kissing and giving each other cold looks. Jin and Sun argue fiercely in Korean, whilst Daniel throws Charlotte the odd look of longing. Just your typical day in the Lost universe then..._

**Carletta: **May we begin, dare I ask?

**Sawyer: **NO YOU MAY NOT! Begin, that is...

**Carletta: **Don't be an arse, Sawyer.

**Charlie: **_*amused* _Such a task is impossible, I'm afraid. Sawyer can no more stop being such an arse than Jack stop being such a control freak.

**Jack: **YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

_*Carletta sighs, but, used to this, she continues nonetheless.*_

**Carletta: **This session we're going to explore the differences between faith and science, and your own personal beliefs. I feel this is important so that we may grow and develop as – Desmond... may I ask what you're doing?

**Desmond: **You may, but I won't answer.

**Locke: **I believe he's doodling my face onto my carefully sculpted box man...and labelling said face... box man.

**Desmond: **I'M DRUNK!

**Libby: **Bit obvious.

**Ana: **Yeah...It's not like you've been doing that all the time or anything...

**Eko: **I will pray for you.

**Desmond: **What is this, a Tailie intervention?

**Ana: **No...but that would be SO cool!

**Carletta: **So, who here believes in a God, or a higher power of some sort?

**Locke:** I believe in the Island... Or at least I did until it killed me.

**Ben: **Technically – TECHNICALLY – that was me...on the island's behalf.

**Man In Black: **_*grinning* _Your body certainly came in handy... Thanks for the loaner, mate.

_*Locke looks like he's going to throw up. Jacob randomly chucks paper airplanes at people. One hits Shannon, who runs out of the room followed by Sayid...and, randomly, Miles. After a few moments, Sayid returns, much to the confusion of everyone else.*_

**Carletta: **One of these days, this might just be a pipe dream here, I'm actually going to ask a question and get a straight forward answer.

**Man In Black: **Dream on!

**Jack: **Yeah, dream on. I don't answer questions anymore.

**Carletta: **Oh...why?

**Jack: **I find they're very... _*sees Carletta smirking* _DAMN IT!

_*Sawyer snickers, prompting Juliet to lightly hit him on the arm. Kate snickers at that, prompting Jack to hit her on the arm. Charlie snickers...and you get the idea with that.*_

**Carletta: **I was trying to enquire about your own religious beliefs because, psychologically, there's a correlation between religion and your own actions.

**Hurley: **Huh?

**Carletta: **Translated, what you believe in effects the things you do, the things you say.

**Locke: **You don't say...

**Hurley: **_*to Locke* _Um, dude, she just said that...

**Locke: **Go away talking watermelon.

_*Hurley looks confused...as are we all.*_

**Sayid: **I've not said anything in a while... _*everyone waits for him to say what he wants to say* _That was all I wanted to say.

**Charlie: **You're a bigger let down than a let down machine.

**Sawyer: **Nicely articulated.

**Charlie: **Thanks!

**Sawyer: **...is what I would've said if I liked you.

**Charlie: **Oh...

**Sun: **...is a letter!

**Sawyer: **Yes...Yes it is, Sun. Well done.

**Sun: **Thanks!

**Sawyer: **...is what I would've said if I was a nice guy.

**Juliet: **Can you not be sarcastic for once in your life? In fact, I'll bet you can't go the rest of this session without being sarcastic.

**Sawyer: **_*doesn't even blink* _What are the stakes?

**Juliet: **If you lose – and you will – you lose Kate privileges for the next three sessions.

_*The entire room goes still, everyone watching Sawyer for his reaction...*_

**Sawyer: **But – But I like Kate.

**Juliet: **I'm aware of that.

**Sawyer: **And she likes me...

**Juliet: **Might be debatable...

**Sawyer: **And – And we belong together!

**Juliet: **_*frostily* _Is that your final answer, James? Do you really want to leave that statement as it is, un-amended?

**Sawyer: **_*in a small voice* _No...

**Juliet: **You won't be able to talk to her, flirt with her, do all the random things you guys do during these sessions – that'll be it!

**Sawyer: **And if I win?

**Juliet: **_*snorts* _Doubtful, but I suppose if that possibility arises, you get this...

_*She leans in and whispers something in Sawyer's ears. He contemplates this, before promptly fainting.*_

**Sawyer: **_*quickly reviving after hearing Jack walking towards him* _CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

**Carletta: **Okay...Can we get back now? Is there a possible chance we might be able to steer this silly ship of insanity back to the shores of successful therapy?

**Daniel: **Statistically, the chances are probably less than... _*deflates under Carletta's icy gaze* _Um...never mind.

**Carletta:** Okay... _*gives a sigh* _The point I was going to make was that two of the biggest themes of the show were science and religion – or faith, I should say. I was just interested to hear your thoughts about the matter.

**Locke: **Faith wins. End of.

**Jack: **NO! NO! NO! NO! There's no such thing as faith. Science clearly defines everything.

**Rose: **Jack, can I just interject for one -

**Jack: **THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FAITH. SCIENCE IS A PROVEN CONCEPT.

**Charlotte: **The fact you're an ass can also be classified as a proven concept.

_*The entire group laughs, prompting Jack to look like he's about to cry...again.*_

**Boone: **As a non-religious, non-scientific individual, I think I can cast an unbiased view on the matter...

_*He rises to speak, but Locke and Jack – working as a team for the first time ever – rush to knock him out, only to bang heads quite violently in the process, knocking themselves out in the process*_

**Carletta: **_*flatly* _Is there a doctor in the house who _hasn't _knocked himself out?

**Juliet: **Yes, and you'll find _doctor _is not a masculine word, so be careful what you say next.

**Sawyer: **You're really a - _*falters at Juliet's triumphant look* _Congratulations, Juliet. I wish you all the best in that...career.

**Hurley: **You're so whipped.

**Sawyer: **No comment.

**Hurley: **Is this a – Is this the first time you've backed away from a verbal battle of wits? _*is stunned* _Am I through the looking glass here?

**Jin: **He was nice when we were in the Dharma barracks.

**Boone: **Holy crap! You speak English?

**Jin: **I think we established this several billion sessions ago.

**Carletta: **Yeah...we established a lot of things several billion sessions ago...

**Locke: **Like how faith rules everything!

**Carletta: **How are you awake and Jack isn't?

**Locke: **My head's had to develop a sense of defence since numerous things have hit it during these so-called "several billion sessions". I'm surprised I've not gone insane by now. _*laughs insanely, rocking back and forth on his chair*_

**Carletta: **_*shaking head* _Alright, I see where you stand on the subject, Locke, but where does everyone else stand?

**Ben: **Technically – TECHNICALLY – I'm sitting.

_*There's a long, uncomfortable pause*_

**Claire: **I think faith, as a concept, is something we all need. It doesn't necessarily have to be about God. I think faith was what kept us sane for most of the time...

**Carletta: **Very thoughtfully put, Claire. I like that.

**Claire: **Then when we didn't have faith in anything it sort of...drove some of us into the jungle, forcing us to abandon the concept of brushing... _*clutches at hair* _OH GOD, I CAN STILL FEEL THE KNOTS!

_*She flees the room, leaving Aaron with a very confused Charlie.*_

**Daniel: **There's nothing wrong with science... _*falters under Locke's gaze* _except that it's everything that's wrong with the world... Don't hurt me. _*cries*_

**Carletta: **Locke...stop intimidating people. They've a right to an opinion you know.

**Locke: **So am I! But that doesn't stop people flinging saucepans and other such trivial items in the direction of my head!

**Carletta: **Stop making up false accusations, before I hit you with this saucepan.

_*Locke's jaw falls to the ground as he struggles for a comeback.*_

**Frank: **May I make a point?

**Locke:** No!

**Frank: **Why?

**Locke:** Because you look like a worn down version of Gandalf.

**Frank: **You so did not just say that.

**Carletta: **Locke – I swear if you don't shut up and stop intimidating people, I will use a certain area of your body where the sun daren't shine to store this entire Lost boxset.

_*Locke gulps, and retreats into the corner, muttering something about insane therapists always bullying him*_

**Carletta: **You can make your point now, Frank.

**Frank: **Good, 'cause I ain't sayin' this twice. Seems to me you folks are always looking for something to reach out to when times get hard. Now I haven't been playing this game as long as you have, but seems to me the best thing to reach out to when times are hard is each other, and not some bogus personified version of fate or destiny.

**Desmond: **HEAR, HEAR!

**Frank: **Shut up!

**Desmond: **NEVER, NEVER!

_*Sawyer opens his mouth, about to make a sarcastic comment, but catches Juliet's eye and quickly mumbles something about hating bets and making them without thinking things through.*_

**Carletta: **Frank makes a good point. Why did you all not talk things through, and rely on each other, rather than always blaming fate and yelling about random things I couldn't really give a damn about?

**Kate: **Because that's the way we like it!

_*Entire room murmurs their agreement much to Carletta's exasperation.*_

**Charlie: **I don't mean to alarm everyone...but Jack hasn't moved in, like, forever.

**Carletta: **It's been about five minutes, Charlie.

**Charlie: **Oh... Well, in that case it's not serious enough that I can't write a song about this.

_*He whips out a notepad and starts scribbling away. Jack, during this time, has opened one eye, looked at Charlie in disgust, and then closed it again.*_

**Penny: **I know I don't speak a lot, but if I could just interject, it seems to me the show has pretty much been about faith from the start. I mean, you guys had faith you would get rescued, and you had faith in Jack... It's like Claire said – faith doesn't have to be religious. Everyone has faith in something.

**Locke: **ABSOLUTELY! _*falls off chair in excitement* _Ow...

**Carletta: **_*looks approving* _See, when you guys put your mind to it, you are perfectly capable of reasonable debate...

_*Something flies across her head, immediately bursting into flames...*_

**Carletta: **And, not for the first time, I've spoken too soon...

**Rousseau: **Maybe you're sick...

**Carletta: **WILL YOU STOP GOING ON ABOUT THIS BLOODY SICKNESS? IT'S NOT REAL!

**Rousseau: **…. Maybe if you think that you're even sicker than I thought.

**Alex: **Mom, this is getting a little embarrassing now...

**Sayid: **Embarrassing? No, I believe the word you are searching for is 'mortifying'.

**Jack: **_*sitting up* _WHY ISN'T LOST ON TO PROVIDE THESE ANSWERS?

**Charlie: **_*mildly* _It ended almost two years ago.

**Jack: **Did I get the girl?

**Charlie: **Depends which timeline you're talking about.

**Jack: **Flash-forwards?

**Charlie: **You had her, then you lost her.

**Jack: **Flash-backs?

**Charlie: **Didn't know her then.

**Jack: **Flash-sideways?

**Charlie: **Yeah, you got her.

_*Jack fist pumps the air in triumph. Kate rolls her eyes, and Sawyer squirms on his seat, dying to make some sort of sarcastic comment.*_

**Carletta: **Right...now Jack's back with us, can we get back onto discussing your own personal beliefs? In terms of these sessions, it helps me know your individual mindsets, helps us get to the heart of why you lot are so freakin' insane.

**Desmond: **S'not very nice... What if, horror of horrors, we aren't insane? How would you feel then? OOH A BUTTERFLY!

_*He proceeds to chase said butterfly out of the cabin.*_

**Carletta: **Riiiiight... Actions speak louder than words, so I'll just...let that...go.

**Sayid: **May I put my own personal input into this session?

**Jack: **That depends...

**Sayid: **On what?

**Jack: **On whether torturers get the same basic human rights as we do.

**Sayid: **RACIST!

**Jack: **How was that racist?

**Sayid: **I dunno... When I get backed into a corner, I tend to play the race card...which in itself might be a bit of a racist thing to do...

**Locke: **Mind. Blown.

_*By this point, Sawyer has stuffed his fist in his mouth, sweat beads pouring down his face as he tries to control the urge to say something sarcastic and vehement...*_

**Jack: **Got something to say Sawyer?

**Locke: **Something about what I said seem...funny to you?

**Sawyer: **No... It's perfectly normal to say those two words...like that.

_*Jack and Locke exchange a smirk.*_

**Carletta: **So, I know we've touched on this before, but who here has some kind of faith? Religious I mean?

_*Rose and Charlie raise their hands, followed by Eko. Liam raises his hand, then lowers it, then raises it, prompting Boone, who somehow ended up sitting next to him, to stick out his tongue childishly. Frank looks confused by the question, whilst Daniel shakes his head.*_

**Ben: **Most of us have never actually had a flashback to answer that question, so I declare that question to be utterly futile.

**Carletta: **I'd class you as a believer.

**Ben: **I'm not a believer!

**Charlie: **Well, that certainly would've put a damper on the song 'I'm A Believer'.

**Ben: **If I wanted the opinion of a tiny, insignificant creature, I would've consulted Jiminy Cricket.

_*Charlie blinks rapidly, processing this.*_

**Charlie: **Bit harsh really.

**Sawyer: **Yeah, I'm the one who should be saying these things.

**Jack: **Incidentally, what did Juliet promise you you'd get if you won the bet?

**Carletta: **Not strictly relevant guys...

**Sawyer: **I'm not at liberty to discuss the terms of the wager, Jack, however, if you're really interested on learning what it is, I have doodled the prize in question on the back of your chair.

_*Jack immediately runs around the entire room just to get to the back of his chair – no comment – and then examines the doodle with interest, before his eyes bulge out of his socket and he staggers back, stunned.*_

**Carletta: **_*flatly* _I don't know why I start these sessions believing I'm going to get something out of it. We've not really even had a chance to examine science.

**Locke: **That's because faith pwns science... The title even confirms it.

**Daniel: **It's a misprint. An anomaly.

**Locke: **That's denial right there.

**Charlotte: **Look, does it really matter - ?

**Locke, Daniel: **YES!

**Charlotte: **_*sulkily* _Geez, you say one thing, and you get your head ripped off...

**Carletta: **Welcome to my world! It sucks... but the booze is free!

**Christian: **Can I - ?

**Carletta: **Former alcoholics not welcome.

**Christian: **Damn it. Well, I tried...

**Carletta: **I might as well sum it up by re-iterating what Penny and Claire said – faith doesn't have to be religious. In fact, a lot of you relied on faith a lot more often than you think.

**Jack: **_*stubbornly* _The only thing I have faith in is that science is better than faith.

**Carletta: **_*jaw falls open* _Do you want to hear that sentence you just said, Jack? Really think about it.

_*There's a long pause...*_

_*...followed by another long pause. Someone coughs nervously.*_

_*Another long pause follows the other two pauses before...*_

**Jack: **NOOOOO! WHAT HAVE I JUST SAID?

_*He proceeds to crash through the cabin which, let's face it, has suffered a lot worse damage at this point. Locke sits back, looking smug until he realizes someone has superglued him to the chair prompting a silent and violent struggle.*_

**Carletta: **And on that bombshell, let's close this session.

**Juliet: **I'm proud of you, James. You've really reigned in your sarcasm.

**Sawyer: **You don't say? _*gasps* _NO! NO! THAT DOESN'T COUNT! SHE ENDED THE SESSION! SHE ENDED THE SESSSSSSSIOON!

* * *

**A/n: Poor Sawyer lol. Thanks again for all the reviews. Been re-reading some of the older chapters and it amazes me it still makes me laugh. Hope you enjoy this. My reasons for not updating are outlined in my profile but I am really sorry for not updating sooner. Thanks for sticking with me all this time.**

**Next session: In Which We Play Where's WALLLLLT?**


	34. Session 34: In Which We Play Wheres Walt

_Session 34: In Which We Play Where's WAAALLT?_

_Michael is searching for Walt under various chairs. This is a funny sight to see on its own until he gets to the chair Walt is actually SITTING on and looks under it, not registering the sight of his own sun. Locke actually looks confused. Jack smirks. Sawyer makes some sort of inappropriate joke in Juliet's ear, until she swats him away, unamused. Carletta just groans loudly, cursing under her breath._

**Carletta:** Can we end this madness now? Lost has ended you know!

**Jack:** DON'T REMIND ME! _*sobs into hands*_

**Ana:** I'm back, bitches.

**Miles:** Nobody cares.

**Ana:** THAT IS SO NOT... Actually, it's true. I'm just here so I don't have to hang out with him again! _*nods to Lucifer...Ahem...Jacob*_

**Jacob:** I find it ironic I'm a good immortal in this show, and yet in another I'm Satan, in a nutshell.

**Man In Black:** Since you're a dead immortal now, I'm going say your statement is redundant.

**Jacob:** SO'S YOUR MOTHER!

**Man In Black:** WE HAVE THE SAME MOTHER JACKASS!

**Jacob:** YOUR FACE IS REDUNDANT!

**Man In Black:** THE TIME FOR COMEBACKS IS OVER! I WIN!

**Carletta:** _*flatly* _Oh, goody. They've started talking again. As if there aren't enough inflated egos in this room already...

**Desmond:** WHERE? _*looks around in alarm*_

**Charlie:** I miss Lost. _*sniffs*_

**Claire:** I'm a princess now. _*smiles belligerently* _SUCK THAT ASSHOLE!

**Sawyer:** Um...

**Jack:** Yeah, that's kind of... Yeah, she couldn't have phrased that worse.

**Miles:** I'm now extremely attracted to her. _*looks at an unhappy Charlie*_ Don't judge me. You had your shot with her and what did you do? You went and died on her!

**Charlie:** I suddenly have an urge to make a wildly racist statement, based on the fact I was just insulted by someone of a foreign persuasion.

**Miles:** Then why don't you?

**Charlie:** _*quietly*_ I don't want to be told off again.

**Michael: **MA BOY! MA BOY! OH HE'S DONE GONE AND RUN AWAY AGAIN!

**Kate:** Why is Michael talking like that guy from Back to the Future?

**Jack:** Why does Michael do anything? I'm vaguely aware he has a son...but I don't know how I knew that.

**Sawyer:** Wow... Doc cracked a funny. I'm impressed.

**Carletta: **MICHAEL! SIT!

_*Michael obeys, and sits where there isn't a chair, resulting in him falling to the ground and landing hard on his rear, earning a loud chorus of laughter from his friends.*_

**Walt:** Oh dad...

**Michael:** THERE YOU ARE!

**Walt:** Yeah. Kind of been here all the time.

**Michael:** But your voice...It's deeper.

**Walt:** Called puberty, Dad.

**Michael:** And you're...taller.

**Walt:** Called growing.

**Michael:** And you're...tanned.

_*Walt makes a WTF face. Jack laughs so loud, it sounds like a shriek, and falls off his chair. Claire giggles, tears streaming down her face.*_

**Carletta: **I thought we'd use today's session to talk about you, Walt.

**Walt:** Me? Why? I've barely had any screen time in...ever.

**Carletta:** Well, now's the time to talk. What do you want to talk about?

**Sawyer:** HEY! You never asked us what we'd like to talk about. RACIST!

**Carletta:** The only reason I did that was because the one and ONLY time I tried to ask you that, you reeled off a long – and, might I add, dirty – list of topics you wanted to talk about, all of which strangely revolved around women and sex.

**Sawyer:** I just think we're losing a good deal of readers by not appealing to that demographic. I mean, who wants to hear about Charlie being flung through the roof when you COULD learn what Juliet's bra size is?

_*Juliet hits Sawyer over the head with her shoe, then pauses, then hits him again.*_

**Juliet:** Pig.

**Sawyer:** OKAY, I WON'T SAY ANYTHING! Ow...

_*Mimes suggestively to Miles and Jack, who grin and bump fists. Juliet doesn't miss this and hits him again.*_

**Walt:** Um... can we get back on track here?

**Locke:** You'd get the same answer if we asked the question, does anybody know what the island really is?

**Walt:** A big fat no then.

**Desmond:** I thought it was an island because it was an island.

**Carletta:** That was very insightful, Desmond.

**Desmond:** _*beaming* _I'm smart.

**Carletta:** _*under her breath*_ I really don't get paid enough to probe these idiots' minds. _*Aloud* _So, Walt... Give us a little insight to your character.

**Walt:** This is lame. You're all lame. Therapy sucks.

**Libby:** No... _death _sucks. That's what the first session established. Then after that, came thirty three sessions of gibberish.

**Sawyer:** Story of my life.

**Juliet:** What? The story of your _life _is thirty three sessions of gibberish? How – How does that even make sense?

**Sawyer:** Oh, it wasn't meant to make sense. It just gave me enough time to draw a naked picture of you and pass it around.

**Daniel:** _*blinking at the page he's just been passed* _How come she has two sets of eyes, one bigger than the other and located on her...? Oh...

**Miles**: I've seen bigger...

**Juliet:** Yeah, I'm guessing that's a response you're used to hearing from women.

_*A slightly awestruck Sawyer high fives her. Jack gives a roar of approval. Ana fist bumps the air. Miles sulks.*_

**Carletta:** _*fights to hide a smirk* _Right, Walt... Let's at least hear what you thought when your dad confessed he killed Ana and Libby.

**Ana: **Oh...that's where I know that guy from...

_*Libby facepalms*_

**Walt: **First I was mad. I mean, really angry. I didn't wanna believe he was capable of doing that. I mean, this was the guy who got himself injured chasing boars, so how he could've used a gun is beyond me.

**Michael:** HEY! Boars and people aren't the same.

**Jack:** _*sarcastically* _No...

**Kate:** Well, I just learned something.

**Claire:** I'm a princess. Doesn't anybody care about that?

**Locke:** You also kissed Robert Pattinson, a.k.a. The Sparkle Queen. End of discussion.

**Charlie:** I was a badass scientist.

**Jack:** I was... I did... I kind of did other things.

**Sawyer:** Writing threatening notes to the producers begging for ten more seasons don't count, Doc.

**Kate:** I'm an elf. Apparently...

**Charlie:** COOL. I'M A HOBBIT.

**Michael: **I'm...somewhere. Looking for Walt I presume, because I hardly think anything else is more important.

**Walt:** _*rolls eyes* _This man should not be allowed to have any more kids. I mean, it's a wonder I turned out so well.

**Locke:** Yes, you did. You have a spectacular Inner Eye.

**Sawyer:** INNER _WHAT?_

**Desmond: **I want pie.

**Walt:** As much as I love my dad, he did drive me crazy.

**Carletta:** To be fair to Michael, he did try. You were a stubborn kid.

**Walt:** I was ten!

**Locke:** With a strong Inner Eye. That should be highlighted.

**Mikhail:** I wish you wouldn't brag about Inner Eyes when one of my outer eyes is defunct.

**Ben:** _*laughs for a good few minutes* _I'm so putting that on Facebook.

**Mikhail:** I hate you.

**Ben:** Meh...most people do. I don't particularly give off a loving vibe.

**Carletta:** I don't know how to respond to that without putting on my Captain Obvious hat. So I shall stare intimidatingly at my least favourite person. _*stares at Locke until he bursts into tears*_

**Walt: **How could you kill people, Dad? Why?

**Michael:** I could tell you, but I'd rather show you... THROUGH INTERPRETIVE DANCE!

**Jack:** NO! HAVEN'T WE SEEN ENOUGH HORRORS?

**Sawyer:** Clearly not. We're still stuck with Chuckles here. _*motions to Charlie*_

**Charlie:** I resent that.

**Sawyer:** I resent your mom.

**Charlie:** I resent your face.

**Sawyer:** I resent your resenting of my face.

**Charlie:** I resent your resenting of my resenting of your face.

**Carletta:** I resent you both. Now quite resenting things and resent this session in silence while we pretend to care about what Walt has to say.

**Walt:** You're not a very patient therapist are you?

**Carletta:** Duh...

**Jack:** What was your first clue, Sherlock?

_*Walt pulls a face and sits back in his seat, looking sulky.*_

**Carletta:** Getting back on track here, Michael... did you have any lines in season 2 which didn't involve the words 'my son' or 'they took' or the name 'Walt'?

**Sawyer:** I can answer that!

**Carletta:** So can most of us, but I want to hear Michael's take on this.

**Michael:** _*shiftily* _Um... Well...

**Carletta:** Thought not. Moving on...

**Michael:** By that logic, why aren't you telling Jack off for his 'live together, die alone' crap! Or scolding Locke for banging on about fate all the time? Why do I get all the hate? Why meeee?

**Carletta:** We already have... Michael, have you not been LISTENING to the last thirty three sessions? That's all I've ever done, tell these people off. Kinda my job, you know.

**Ben:** I thought being a therapist involved dedicating a portion of your time listening to people's problems, then spewing out some generic crap in order to make them feel better.

**Carletta:** Considering the number of deaths I've prevented from happening here – because you guys try and murder each other on a daily basis – I think I can be excuse from following protocol here.

**Walt:** Isn't this session supposed to be about me?

**Kate:** Is this kid for real? Like any of us get our own sessions dedicated entirely to us!

**Michael:** Now I know he's related to me. He comes out with stupid questions too.

**Walt:** I hate life.

**Carletta:** I don't know about you guys, but I think Walt was one of the most under-developed characters on the show.

**Walt:** I am right here you know...

**Locke:** Yeah, we never did get to explore his Inner Eye...

_*Michael glares at him.*_

**Michael:** Pervert.

**Shannon:** Why are like talking about a kid here? Does the kid even, like, therapy?

**Boone:** Shan_non_ stop being such a diva.

**Shannon:** What? I just asked a question. What happened to the Freedom of Speech?

**Jacob:** My brother ate it.

**Man In Black:** Oh that is just – You're so immature. I might've been murderous, but at least I had goals.

**Jacob:** I had goals! I wanted to be immortal and you took that away from me!

**Man In Black:** YOU WERE IMMORTAL!

**Jacob:** UM, NEWSFLASH, BUTTWAD, YOU CAN'T ENJOY IMMORTALITY IF YOU'RE DEAD!

**Man In Black:** BUTTWAD? WHAT ARE WE, TWELVE?

**Carletta: **Oh just _grow up _guys. You both are brothers. LOVE EACH OTHER!

**Dean:** So they're tormenting each other. What's new with that?

_*Carletta turns to find Dean Winchester on her right, Sam Winchester on her left. Stefan and Damon from the Vampire Diaries also appear to have turned up. She scowls.*_

**Sam: **Yeah. That's normal.

**Stefan:** I concur.

**Damon:** Gee, did you swallow a dictionary there, brother? Could've just said 'agree' and not come across as a pretentious prick.

**Carletta:** Just cause your individual shows have themes which overlap with this show does not mean _you get to screw up my counselling sessions with your immature comments!_

_*There's a short pause.*_

**Dean:** I've seen some tense chicks in my lifetime, but you, lady, are a whole bag of stress.

**Carletta:** _*in his face* _GEE YA THINK? _*hurries to the door and flings it open* _GET OUT!

_*Grumbling, Sam, Dean, Stefan and Damon hurry out of the door, Boone gazing at his doppelgänger with a mixture of curiosity and wariness.*_

**Walt: **Back to me now?

**Carletta:** Yes. So. Walt. Continue talking about your father while I count the amount of sanity cells left in my mind... Okay, I've done.

**Walt:** Well... I guess I can accept the fact he tried to bond with me at the beginning. We did share a few nice moments.

**Michael:** A few? I put up listening to you talking about ninja turtles for an hour! That's not nice...That's dedicated!

**Locke:** No dedicated is when you spend your entire time believing in fate and the island...and then it kills you off.

**Jack:** I disagree. Dedication is putting up with all you people even when you ignore me and write stupid messages in the sand. FYI guys, you write them too far up for the tide to reach.

**Sawyer:** We want you to see 'em, dumbass. Kinda the point.

_*Jack pouts*_

**Jack: **Well, you're off my Christmas card list this year then!

**Sawyer:** _*sarcastically* _Oh...the humanity. No Christmas Card from El Doco. How will I survive?

**Carletta:** Walt... Here's a question. Your powers... What the hell are they and where do they come from?

**Walt:** My other therapist suggests I have a very vivid imagination.

**Carletta:** What other therapist?

**Walt:** The sane one.

_*Carletta spends the next few minutes spluttering and looking outraged. Boone goes over and puts a tentative arm on her shoulder.*_

**Walt: **I dunno where my powers come from. I can only suggest I came into contact with some sort of radioactive chemical as a child... Ooh! Maybe I was bitten by a spider!

_*Sawyer rolls his eyes; Locke looks thoughtful; Jack throws a paper ball in the direction of Walt's head, but miscalculates and it ends up hitting the one good eye of Mikhail, who screams and runs out of the room.*_

**Michael:** I did kind of drop as a child. Maybe that was it.

**Walt:** WHAT? HOW COULD YOU?

**Michael:** To be fair...you were always wriggling. And your first word did happen to be magic.

**Walt:** Did it?

**Michael:** No. We never got much of your back-story, so I figured I'd make random crap up.

**Sawyer:** Worked for the producers of this show. _*sniggers immaturely*_

**Carletta: **_*after finding her voice again* _And how did that make you feel Walt?

**Walt:** Angry. Hurt. I mean, I wasn't the most exciting character, but I did feel like I could've developed a bit more as a person.

**Charlie:** To be fair, Walt, you didn't want to end up being a beloved character. We all got killed off one way or another.

**Walt:** _*fairly* _Good point. But I still wanted to end up back on the island.

**Locke:** THAT'S MA BOY.

**Michael:** DON'T TALK LIKE I TALK! YOU IZ DISRESPECTING ME!

**Locke:** No, I think you're doing a good job of that all by yourself.

_*Everyone falls silent, stunned by the fact Locke has actually come up with a decent comeback for once.*_

**Jack: **This may be the greatest moment in the history of great moments.

**Claire:** Don't cry, Jack...

**Jack:** _*sniffs* _I wasn't planning to...

**Carletta:** To be fair... you probably did end up going back.

**Walt:** Then why wasn't it shown?

**Carletta:** Presumably because the producers didn't want a season 7 which would've only featured you, Ben, Hurley, and possibly Kate, Sawyer, Miles, Richard and Claire, because those are the characters they haven't killed off yet.

**Rose:** What about me and Bernard?

**Carletta:** Yes... I'm sure season 7 wouldn't have worked without the two of you. _*rolls eyes* _I thought you two had retired anyway?

**Bernard:** We had. It's just nice to be included, that's all.

**Carletta:** Back to Walt... Where's he gone?

**Michael:** _*rises to his feet*_ WHAT? HE'S GONE? AGAIN?

**Jack:** Michael...don't...

_*Sawyer doesn't even comment. He retrieves several packs of headphones and passes them around the room. Juliet and Ben fight for the last pair, with Juliet being the victor much to Ben's displeasure.*_

**Carletta: **Oh...damn!

**Michael: **WAAAAALLLLLLLLT? WALLLLLLT?

_*Walt walks back into the room.*_

**Walt: **So it turns out I can't go for a bathroom break without people freaking out? You guys are all insane.

**Carletta:** My verdict precisely. Can we just call it a day and just be done?

**Jack:** Do we get a choice in the matter?

**Carletta:** Not really. You might as well bring in the booze, cause there's no way I'm handling the rest of the forty five minutes we have left of the hour sober.

**Kate:** So...each session is an hour...and we cover about fifteen minutes of it before you give up and declare us all to be insane?

**Carletta:** Yep. That's right.

**Kate:** …. How are you still a therapist?

**Carletta:** No idea. Haven't you some running to do?

**Kate:** Ooh, so I have! Bye!

_*She dashes out of the room, which gives Michael time to run over and kidnap his own son , leading Ben, ever the comedian, to jokingly call out Walt's name. This, naturally, doesn't go down well with the others, who choose to ruthlessly ambush him, thus ending yet another ridiculously insane session.*_

* * *

**A/n: Thanks for reviewing guys. :) I know this is updated rarely but it wasn't something I intended to update regularly :) Next session focuses on the flashbacks of the show so look forward to that. :) **

_Next session: In Which We Flash Back (Geddit?)_


	35. Session 35: In Which We Flashback geddi

_Session 35: In Which We Flashback (geddit?)_

_We enter the session with the same noise used to signal a flashback. Locke looks excited by this; Jack starts to well up; Sawyer just yawns, blinking rapidly as the sound of the yawn produced makes the same noise as the smoke monster. Carletta taps her fingers impatiently, waiting for the noise to stop before beginning the session._

**Carletta:** As beginnings to sessions go, this wasn't that ba -

_*She's interrupted by the sound of fiery explosions, planes crashing, and the odd blood-curdling scream in the background. She rolls her eyes, but resumes the session.*_

**Sawyer:** You were saying?

**Carletta:** _*rolls her eyes* _I'm really going to have to learn not to do that. Anyway. The flashbacks. We need to discuss them.

**Hurley: **Um...why?

**Carletta: **Because as most – sane – therapists will tell you, the past is often vital in understanding the present and the future. Oh, yeah, getting really serious now, bitches!

**Juliet: **How will understanding the flashbacks help us progress? Unless they're flash-forwards? No... maybe we need a new _thing_, like flash-diagonals.

**Michael:** How would that work?!

**Juliet:** I don't know... maybe it could've shown us in different dimensions...

**Sawyer:** Yes, because being in 3D has been the height of my misery. We should just make our living as 2D drawings, for all the good it'll do us.

**Juliet: **_*scowling* James. _That is not what I meant and you know it. I mean, maybe we could've seen all of us in different situations, see if we'd ended up together or something. Like...maybe Jack wasn't a doctor...

**Jack:** BUT I WAS. DADDY... I WAS!

**Christian:** I know... We _worked _together. You got me _fired_. I think we know who the HBIC was in _our _family.

**Carletta: **HBIC? I feel like that should be a term I know...

**Christian:** It means Head Bitch In Charge. Or, if you want to be kinkier, Head Bitch In Cuffs.

_*Miles and Sawyer howl with laughter at this, much to Juliet's annoyance. She hangs a sign on her chair labelled 'This Doctor Won't See You Now...or Ever' and turns away, making a noise of disgust.*_

**Carletta:** So, flash-diagonals huh? Hm...could've worked as a concept, I suppose. Maybe it'll end up in a fanfiction or something.

**Ben:** OH NOT THE FANFICTION COMMUNITY. _*randomly grabs a rabbit from nowhere and strokes it violently* _They are JUST the WORST type of PEOPLE.

**Carletta:** Do explain...

**Ben:** May I do it in rap?

**Carletta:** Um... if you must? I feel like this may be the most surreal thing ever...

**Ben:** _*proceeds to rap to a very familiar theme tune.* _

Now this is a story all about how

My life got flipped, turned upside down

And I'd like to take a minute, just sit there girl

I'll tell you how I became the joke of the fanfiction world...

**Locke: **I've changed my mind.

**Jack:** About what?

**Locke:** Staying on this island. I want to leave. Now. Forever.

**Ben: **_*ignoring everyone's stunned looks proceeds with his rap*_

In the Dharma Barracks, born and raised

**Roger: **Um...no you weren't.

**Ben: **

Wandering around lost was where I spent most of my days

Chilling out, relaxing, getting beat up by my dad

Hanging out, swinging there with a chick who was rad

When an Iraqi torturer, who was up to no good

Started making trouble in my neighbourhood

He shot me in the chest, and I nearly died

That's when I became the one always victimised

**Charlie: **Somewhere in the real world, Will Smith is currently hanging himself.

**Ben:** _*looks outraged* _I HAD THREE MORE VERSES TO GO! HOW DARE YOU SLAP MY RAP?!

**Juliet:** Slap my rap?!

**Carletta:** Did you actually use the word _rad_, like it has ever been a cool thing to say?!

**Ben:** I didn't even get to tell you why fanfiction people suck...

**Carletta:** I think we can guess. I reckon it's because most make you a whiny little bitch in them, right? _*smirks*_ Good thing you don't uphold that representation in these sessions at all.

**Ben:** EXACTLY. AND YOU RUINED THE RAP. _*looks sulky* _

**Charlie: **Um, Bunny Boy, hate to break it to you, but you ruined the rap when you opened your trap. OH SNAP!

_*Gleefully high fives every one in the entire room, accidentally slapping Daniel in the face as he goes around._*

**Carletta: **Moving on...very swiftly... who wants to hazard a guess as to why the flashbacks have their own focus this week?

**Kate:** Because you're running out of ways to mentally break us down?

**Carletta:** …. That is _one _of the reasons, yes...

**Boone:** Is it because you dread focusing on a specific person, because you never get round to psycho-analysing them anyway?

**Carletta:** ….and that's another reason, yes... buuuut, the main reason is that examining the flashbacks can help me determine how best to help each one of you. Let's start with Locke's flashbacks...  
**Locke:** Oh God...

**Carletta: **You had a very interesting back story.

**Boone:** You did. Before you crashed here, your legs didn't work, and then on the island they did. That was magic.

**Carletta:** Interpreting Lost for the five year olds are we, Boone?

**Boone:** Sorry. But you try sitting between Shannon and Nikki without losing a few dozen IQ points in the process.

**Locke:** Yeah, yeah, I got to walk again. You didn't hear me make a big deal out of it though, did you?

_*The room falls silent. Jack coughs nervously; Sawyer whistles nonchalantly.*_

**Claire: **Well...actually...

_*Eight years ago...*_

**Locke:** I CAN WALK. I CAN WALLLLLLK! I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE. WOAH-OH!

_*Six years ago...*_

**Locke: **Still walking. Haters gonna hate... YIPPPEEEEEE!

_*Four years ago*_

**Locke: **LEGS ARE LEGCELLENT. _*laughs hysterically* Oh my god! _I should be a stand up comedian. STAND UP – HA HA HA. I DID IT AGAIN!

_*Two years ago*_

**Locke: **_*slightly less cheerful* _I owned those stairs outside the church like a boss! They see me walking, they hatin'...

**Everyone:** SHUT THE HELL UP! WE GET YOU CAN WALK!

_*Back in the present*_

**Locke:** I just wanted everyone to know I could walk... It was a surprising revelation, that was all.

**Kate:** _*snorts*_ So was the revelation that I was a criminal, but you don't see me rubbing that in.

**Jack:** Um... Kate – my fate – you have just gone round the room, handcuffing yourself to everyone and everything.

**Kate:** Huh... _*notices she's handcuffed to Miles, who grins, and rolls her eyes*_ Well, at least I wasn't running around!

**Carletta:** No...you saved that for every other freakin' session!

**Charlie:** I'm done with my album! It's titled 'Lost In The Music'.

_*Everyone looks mildly impressed by the title of the album.*_

**Claire: **What are some of the tracks?

**Charlie:** _Monster Eats the Pilot._

**The Pilot: **Naturally...

**Charlie: **And then there's _Rumble In The Jungle, _inspired by Kate and Sawyer's epic love scene.

**Sawyer:** I am so blogging about that.

**Kate:** _*looks mortified* _You wrote a song about that? What is wrong with you?

**Charlie:** Oh they get steadily more personal. Wait until I reach track 12 – _We All Drown In A Dharma Submarine._

**Sun: **That is... That is just awful.

**Jin:** No wonder my people are invading your country...

**Charlie:** What?!

**Jin:** ….what?

**Charlie:** And then there's track 8 which is _Baby Blues, _which I wrote to sort of encompass the tragedy around Aaron and Claire's separation.

**Claire:** Awww...

**Sawyer:** Wait for it, Mamacita...

**Charlie:** And it starts with a quite catchy verse of _you've lost your baby, baby, baby, oh, how could you, baby, baby, baby, oh... _It's sort of, if not completely, ripped off from that kid with the hairstyle like a mushroom... Justin Fever? Is that right?

_*Claire bursts into tears and runs out of the room, dragging a startled Walt out with her.*_

**Sawyer: **...and there it is.

**Charlie:** There's what?

**Sawyer:** The reason you were killed off.

_*Charlie looks as though he's going to pull a Jack and cry, but instead, with an eerily calm manner, he lifts up his guitar, and hits Sawyer over the head with it._*

**Carletta: **NO VIOLENCE IN THE SESSIONS!

**Charlie:** Technically that wasn't violence. That was simply a long overdue response to Sawyer and his big book of hurtful comments.

**Miles:** I loved that book...

**Ana Lucia:** Me too...

**Sawyer:** _*groggily* _My insult book brings all the bitches to the yard, and they're like...MOMMY, WILL YOU HOLD ME? _*passes out_*

**Carletta:** _*after a moment's pause_* Right... let's go back to the flashbacks...

**Hurley:** That sounded funny. _Back _to the flash_backs_ _*giggles*_ It's like wordception or something.

**Carletta: **Huh. Guess it does. ANYWAY. Back to this session. So we've established that learning from the past can help with the present and the future...

**Locke:** Um, did you not see season five? We learned absolutely NOTHING from skipping around in time.

**Jack:** That's not true. I learned all about variables and things.

**Sayid:** Apparently it's not okay to shoot a kid in the chest. I learned that the hard way.

**Kate:** I learned that apparently even in a different time, it's still not cool to come back and try and recreate a love triangle. Apparently that's _*air quotes* _being awkward.

**Carletta:** Right... those lessons should've been instilled in you anyway, but disregarding that entirely, if we focus on your own pasts, not the pasts you decided to spontaneously create whilst skipping around in time...

**Charlotte:** Hey, it was time travel, not the bloody Sound of Music. Although Miles constantly singing _Time Warp _certainly made the entire experience as draining as sitting through a musical.

**Miles:** Hey! I kept things entertaining. You had to spoil things by getting a nosebleed and dying on us.

**Charlotte:** I do apologise. In future, I shall restrain myself from dying. How about that?

**Miles:** I sense sarcasm, which I will ignore and say 'thank you, Charlotte. That would be nice.'

_*Charlotte rolls her eyes, but otherwise ignores the comment.*_

**Jack:** I'm confused about the point behind this session.

**Boone:** I think I've said that about EVERY session.

**Jack:** I know, but why are we even talking about this? What's done is done.

**Juliet: **Apparently not for you assholes, who just HAD to come back and meddle. You shouldn't have meddled, because me and James then had to unmeddle the very thing you meddled with in the first place! BY MEDDLING, NO LESS!

**Hurley: **Dude...that's a LOT of meddling. Couldn't we all just...I dunno...sit down and share a bucket of chicken. Except I'd eat all the chicken. You guys could, I dunno, eat fruit?

**Charlie:** That is the weirdest thing you've ever said.

**Hurley:** What, even compared with your _the baby is a chocolate lollipop _speech?

**Charlie:** I was demonstrating sarcasm, mate. SARCASM. By the way, I don't genuinely believe Aaron is a chocolate lollipop.

_*Outside, we hear Claire screeching 'HE SAID MY BABY WAS A WHAT?' and Charlie sinks in his seat, whimpering nervously.*_

**Carletta: **My point is – and I actually have one this session – is that by understanding who you _were _we can begin to understand who you _are, _learning in the process how to develop each of you to a point where you can begin to cope with the multitude of traumatic experiences you've all had to endure.

_*There's a long silence after that, but it's one filled with awe. It even has the power to revive Sawyer, who slowly sits up like a zombie.*_

**Ben: **Who are you, and what have you done with the real Carletta?

**Hurley: **That was some intense advice, dude.

**Locke:** I'm sorry... did we just get some actual therapeutic advice? For real?

**Jack:** _*sniffs*_ I promised myself I wouldn't cry during this session. _*bawls like a baby, much to Juliet's disgust.*_

**Jacob: **Now THIS is progress. Take that, brother!

**Man In Black:** This proves nothing!

**Jacob:** I wish you'd grow up.

**Man In Black:** I wish you'd get stabbed...HA HA, YOU DID!

**Carletta:** Was it not enough that you guys got your own flashback episode? Do you have to continue to bicker like two year olds?

**Jacob:** Technically, our flashback episode was supposed to be two episodes, one for me, and one for Smokey over there. But we fought about which was going to be aired first, so in the end the Lost producers said we had to share one instead.

**Man In Black:** Which is the word every sibling in the world hates to hear... _share. _Ugh.

**Carletta:** Moving on... _*looks warily around* _I know some back stories were dropped...

**Michael: **WALLLLLLLLT … I know for a fact didn't get much of one.

**Libby:** I apparently didn't have one altogether apart from losing a husband and giving a boat to a stranger who I'd never ever meet again.

**Desmond:** IT'S YOU! _*drops from his seat in shock* _

**Carletta:** I know we have addressed this before, but there are character connections between some of you that none of you seemed to know.

**Jack:** Like the character connection between me and Shannon where I let her dad die... Oh crap.

**Shannon:** YOU BASTARD! I HAD JUST BEEN IGNORED ENOUGH LONG ENOUGH TO FORGET THAT! _*goes back to painting her nails*_

**Boone:** And, like always, Shannon chooses to ignore the bigger picture entirely whilst addressing her own vanity.

**Shannon:** Shut up, Boone. You had no back story. You can't judge me.

**Boone:** _*scowling* _Oh yes I can. See? Doing it right now. JUDGING YOU.

**Ana Lucia:** I sort of almost, kind of, not quite ran into Sawyer once. And that was only because I was shacking up with Jack's dad.

**Jack:** WHAT?

**Christian:** WHAT?

**Sawyer:** And then I had a drink with him.

**Jack:** THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!

**Sawyer:** 'cept I told ya about it. Jackass...

**Ana Lucia:** Oh and _shacking up with _might've been a poor phrase to use...

**Miles:** Ya think? I have no cool character connections. In fact, what is the use of me even being here? I contribute nothing. NOTHING! I get no respect... NO RESPECT. And I have developed a fascination with cheese.

**Carletta:** Cheese?

**Miles:** _*nods glumly*_ I make it into little shapes during everyone else's sessions. See... I made a cheese island... _*demonstrates it to the group* _I even made cheese characters, but then I got angry with them all and ate them, which, strangely enough, seems to summarise the entire show.

_*There's a long pause after that. So long a pause in fact that Stephenie Meyer wrote three more Twilight novels within that pause, and they got turned into blockbusters.*_

**Carletta: **_*in a vain effort at changing the subject* _You had quite an interesting backstory, Miles...

**Miles:** Not really. My dad left my mom. I grew up a punk. I ended up going on a freighter to an insane island, and followed some equally insane people into the realms of time and space. Everybody's been there right?

**Kate:** Not everybody...

**Charlie:** Ooh...this would make a great bonus track. _The Cheese Man. _

**Miles:** I'm out of here. This is too insane, even for me.

_*He walks out, followed by a still dizzy Sawyer attempting to show solidarity.*_

**Carletta: **Oh, brother...

**Desmond: **THAT'S MY CATCHPHRASE!

**Carletta: **I try and have ONE sane session where I try and come out with some actual useful advice, and where does that leave me?

**Jack: **Still on this island?

**Carletta: **Thanks, Captain Obvious! The sand and the ocean and the fact no bloody phone works here didn't give that away at all!

**Daniel: **Technically, now that Charlie unblocked the signal, mobile phones would probably...

_*His explanation gets drowned out in a chorus of mobile phones, as people desperately dial random numbers, including Carletta herself, who tries to order a year's supply of alcohol for delivery.*_

**Daniel: **Hm, should I use my invisibility powers to fight crime or for evil?

_*And thus ends another really pointless session, where, once again, nothing has been accomplished. Outside, Sawyer and Miles start a poking war, which quickly turns into an aggressive fight, and they roll away in a cloud of smoke. Once again, you have wasted your time reading this, and Carletta has probably lost a bit more of her own mind trying to fathom the endless mysteries of this show...like we all have. Until next time...*_

**A/n: Okay, so this is winding down soon. I mean, really soon. But a quick question guys, if I was to bring Carletta into another Circle-of-Trust type of therapy session, which fandom would you like her to come into? Supernatural? Glee? Vampire Diaries? Or something else? Thanks for reviewing guys. Appreciate it. **


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